I can't get the crazy squirrel out of my car. It won't leave.

(It was the truth, and I wasn't going to have a batshit crazy squirrel run across my body while driving.)

Once while working around Sacramento, CA. I missed about a weeks work. So I went by to get my money and the boss asked me what happened. I asked him" well you want the truth or a lie?" I'd been on a BIG drunk. He put me back to work and I lasted about another 2 weeks and missed more time. I had coonass country on my mine. Been gone about a year. I've never called in sick or anyother reason. If I miss over a few days, I'm sick of the job! Get my time.

There are two reasons that I'm late typically. The first is because my girlfriend is dropping me off that day and she is physically incapable of leaving on time. The second is because the 8-mile bike ride some times takes longer than I anticipate.

how 'bout Plantar Fasciitis? that really hurts, Charlie.

Takes me a good half hour of hobbling in the morning just to get a cuppa; so, I'm late due to hobbling.

The excuse I used today: I forgot to turn my clock forward so it was an hour behind. Hehe.....Yeah, I was an hour late to work today. :p And that was my real, total honest reason. The clock in my bedroom is still an hour behind. :D

"I was having 'lady problems'".

"But you're a guy..."

"And my boss is female. Any more questions?"

When I pulled into the parking lot, there were only 10 minutes left to go on my audiobook, "How To Backstab Your Coworkers And Totally Ruin Your Boss' Career," so I sat and listened to the end.

[Paul Thorn]
Well I was running late for work so I grabbed me some coffee to go
Just before I had a flat tire I spilled it all over my clothes
When the highway patrolman pulled up
I thought that help was on the way
But when he saw that tire tool in my hand
He shot me with the pepper spray

...

When I finally made it to work I was fifteen minutes late
I told my boss about the flat tire but he fired me anyway
So I'm sitting out here in the parking lot waiting by his Corvette
I'm gonna give him a good-bye present he never will forget [/Paul Thorn]