It's so sad.
But it's a chapter closed and something that had to be done.

At least your children will never question why Dad wasn't interested in them or didn't want to be a part of their lives. That's so sadly often the outcome of divorce and separation. Being able to stay a part of the children's lives is something you seem to be managing well.

Now I know why I've been procrastinating on my divorce. I'm not even sure of my long term plans. Everything is completely gnarled up.

Congratulations, though, Jim. I'm really glad to hear it had turned out so well, all things considered. Just don't ever remarry.

I didn't contest my divorce and it went through purely on paper.
No children and my name wasn't on the mortgage, even though I paid it.
I left him, and the legal side of things was painless, but I still cried when it went through.

And I kept his name. Because I will never marry again, and it's a good reminder.
That and it's a nicer signature.

I find myself to be oddly ambivalent about the whole thing.

I guess it is life as usual really, so that makes sense if I think of it that way.

You've moved on, the legal system, dragging it's feet as usual, is just catching up.

Money can buy you happiness. Last week I bought a snow blower. Used for $350. Today I was very happy that I did.

So I delivered my proposal for a 3-2-2-3 (i.e. 50/50) parenting schedule, formerly known as custody.

Not surprisingly, it didn't go over well with the control junkie. I'm now steeling myself for what will probably involve lawyers, guns, and money...

~Gravdigr

.

good luck to you Jim, and to your kids, and to jinx.

this is an important milestone.

BT,DT;GTTS.

I, too, decided that a 50/50 parenting schedule was in the best interests of SonofV (our only minor child at the time of the divorce). He loves his mother, and that is right and good and I encourage that. 50/50 let him spend time with her, though I would have been happy for an unbalanced schedule with more time with me. Regardless...


My point here is twofold:

1 -- The whole divorce was a big fucking deal in my life, and it impacted me in many ways, including my ability to think straight from time to time. When I could tell that shit was getting bad, it was EXTREMELY HELPFUL for me to keep in mind this test: Was the decision I was making *in the best interest of SonofV?* My interactions with her ran the gamut; they were not consistently or even reliably good. So when something like the residential schedule came up, my emotions might lobby (loudly) for one plan, but that might not be in SonofV's best interest, like spending time with his mom.

This is **MY** choice, my priority, you will, of course, choose your own priorities, though I know you love your children as I love mine. Having this kind of test was really helpful in guiding my interactions with her.

2 -- Keeping in mind this prime directive, and trying to figure out a suitable 50/50 schedule that jigsawed (dovetails are too simple) with the rest of my life, I worked through many, many different schedules, including that one. We tried a few different ones too. Here's the most important thing I learned: SonofV loves his mom and likes spending time with her. He loves me too and likes spending time with me. But there's a biiiig difference in our households, unsurprisingly. The transition from one to the other (and back, and forth, and back...) was ... sometimes jarring. The transitions were always (and continue to be) the most reliable (that's not the right word... dammit...) the time that was most consistently stressful for him. Both in the anticipation for the move/swap/handoff/... and in the decompression when he landed here for his next "shift" with me. Really.

Changing, the unavoidable, necessary changes he had to make when transitioning from one home to the other has a cost. Once he was here awhile, hours sometimes, everything was cool. And in the other direction, I could often see him spinning up, getting less relaxed as the hour of the transfer approached.

Well, long story long, it was these transitions that were the major points of stress for him **that I could control**. By that I mean I could have an impact on the quantity of them. 3-2-2-3-2-2- is two weeks, with SIX swaps. But 7-7- is two weeks with only TWO swaps. And the same amount of time with each parent. This represented a big reduction in the amount of stress he had to face, and a big improvement for his quality of life. My schedule was kind of weird with it; some weekdays were open, some were booked, etc. And SonofV was old enough to be a latchkey kid, so there was some simplification to be had there. In the end, it worked out (as well as could be expected; given that she still isn't speaking to me).

So, second point is, I think 3-2-2 is "neat" but will have a lot of unnecessary transitions, and that those transitions are hardest on the kids.

That's my experience, I hope you and yours can do as well or better.

Good luck footie.

That's an interesting point.

Transitions are always an issue, the flip side is 7 days is too long for a six year old to be away from either parent and vice versa. Transition stress can be minimized by the adults getting the kids’ shit in one sock before the transition, having a checklist and a routine makes the transitions more predictable. There is evidence that more transitions can lead to mix ups, but the way things are now is very chaotic. Chaos is something that she craves and creates.
My neurotic tendencies tend to have a greater affect on me with those around me being indirectly influenced. Hers have an effect more like a Claymore mine.

Neither is ideal, in my opinion the less time they spend with her the better for them psychologically in the long run because she is cray-cray.

I've mentioned before her family history of "pissing on your shoes and telling you it's raining", well, apparently there is a term for that:
Double Binds:The funny thing about that quote from the article is that is exactly what our friends used to tease her about, they'd say, "Hey Mrs. Foot, why don't you plan to be spontaneous this week." And she would, missing the joke entirely.

You are right on the money on all counts.

You're clearly thinking about their best interests, and you sound well prepared for the difficulties the transitions represent. You're all gonna be fine.

I especially love your recognition of the specific elements of the whole situation. You're skilled at meta-communication and you and your fractions benefit thereby. Great article, btw. "... also known as crazy making".

No shit.

It also helps if you can reduce the amount of shit that actually has to go in the sock. My back-and-forth schedule with my parents was not only every couple of days, it was completely different every week. Every so often my dad would give my mom a list of dates when he was going out of town for work (their agreement was, whenever he was in town, we were with him, which worked out to about 50/50 anyway) and she'd print up two copies of a nicely-formatted calendar, to be stuck on the fridge at each house. We always knew who was picking us up from school, and when we grew older we always knew which bus to take home. Transitions were never on weekends, so there was never any face-to-face confrontation, or impatient car sitting on the street.

There was no "return the clothes that I bought to my house," whatever we were wearing just went with us. Same with books and other personal possessions. We either had two of things, or it was all ours and the parents didn't take ownership of the transfer. In the decade of living like this, only maybe three times did we happen to end up with no nice clothes at one house, or no athletic shoes at the other. Then we'd just pack a small bag to even things out.

This is probably not going to work with a control freak involved, though. My stepkids' mom once accused us of deliberately stealing a pair of shorts, so I understand what it's like to try to work with lunacy.

Here's a great example from today.

The inch was invited to his pal's birthday party to be held at a local family run ski area. The pal has been skiing and snowboarding since he was a fetus, the inch just began snow boarding this year.

Mom of inch tells him the other day "I have some bad news, pal and others are skiing and not snowboarding, but you can go to the party after." Tears.

I say "Look, skiing is easy, you can learn it in a few minutes, I'm sure they are not all going to be skiing on black diamonds."

Mom of inch: "No, pal has been skiing since forever and all his friends have too, they're going to spend the whole day on suicide missions."

Me: "Let's call and ask what the story is." Still tears.

I ask her WTF is her problem? (Why I need to ask that question is a question in itself)

Today I pick up Pal of Inch for a playdate and ask him about the party and if he thinks Inch can handle sking and would Pal be willing to show him the ropes and hang with him on the easy slopes.

Pal answers affirmative to all and then adds, and here I shit you not, "You can ski if you want to, Inch, but I'm going to be SNOWBOARDING all day."

Way to go Mom of inch. Typical typical typical.

I fucking hate her

So, I'm curious. Even if the marriage is not good, getting a divorce is a hard thing to do?

I get my kids every other Saturday night..keep them until Sunday at about 8. on off weeks, I get them on Sunday morning at 10am, until 8p. And then I come up most Wednesdays and get them after school and have them until 8. The weds is kind of tough...I drive 3 hours to see them for 4.... so sometimes I beg off, so I can get some things done. It's pretty much my only time to myself.... cuz I work most of the rest of the week 9-9. I get the odd Tuesday morning or Friday afternoon to myself....

The best is when I have them Sat night, and Amanda picks them up from jinx and brings them to my house, then takes them home. I burn 2/3 of a tank of gas going up and back. Jinx has been super easy to deal with in this one area. I try to be as accommodating as possible too.

I really enjoyed having them 3 days solid over christmas.... these little short visits are cool, because I see them twice a week usually... but it's hard to get into anything but a day trip... and in winter... we just kind of wind up hanging out, being lazy. maybe go bowling, or out to eat...

I've learned that kids are very adaptable. but also...to pay attention to how they are reacting and to ask them occasionally if they are bothered by the arrangement. I found that Ripley was getting resentful when I would skip a Weds... or if I didn't pay enough attention when I DID have them. so we talked about it, and she let me know how she felt. ..and I let her know that sometimes I need some free time. She's 13, so most things are mostly a big deal. Spencer just rolls with it. as long as he has his laptop, tablet, phone, and a wifi connection, you can't piss him off.

Still... our relationship has definitely changed a bit. I wish I could be the one that has them 5 days a week, but it really is better for them to be with their mother. As far as I can tell, she is still an excellent, caring, and smart mother... not the kind of crazy you're dealing with foot. I still don't think she'd spit on me if I was on fire... but she seems to like my kids, so... hey.

getting divorced is unbelievable heartbreaking and painful. shitty, confusing, humiliating, gut wrenching, etc. I remember Spencer asking me on the phone, a few days after I moved out, if me and mommy didnt love each other anymore. how the fuck to you reply to that? you can't lie to him... you can't NOT answer. I told him I still loved her, and I was unsure about how she felt, but that we were going to be apart for some time until she could figure it out.

that was the worst thing ever.

HOWEVER!

BEING divorced is awesome. I can do whatever the fuck I like. And the voice in my head is now my own voice, not hers. ha!

Thanks, Jim.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

Kids make everything harder even when the marriage is good.

Gaah. Crazymaking behavior is so bad for kids. Glad they have you, foot.

It can be all that without any kids in the picture.
Sometimes they alternate with relief, euphoria, hope and affirmation... all in an afternoon. ;)

Add guilt to the party. Constant and nagging, sometimes flaring up until you can't actually see and all you can do is breathe and hope it passes.
Waking up every morning and remembering what's going on and feeling it like a physical blow.
And the dreams... I still have dreams that make me so sad. Some I'm glad to wake up from and realise I don't have to go through it all again. Some where I wake up and am sad because I did go through it.

Put me off relationships for good.
I haven't had anything more serious than a fling since.
Although my fling with the Evil Ex did last seven years, we never actually shared eachother's lives. When I finally knocked it on the head for good (the fling, not him) there was no-one in my life who even knew about him, let alone anyone who'd met him. Oh I lie, he met my parents once.

My actual divorce was just a piece of paper.
It went through without me contesting it because we'd been separated for three years.
It was the separation that hurt, and I count those months as equivilant to the process of divorce being discussed here.

Even without having to go through divorce, ending a long term relationship is hard.

J and I lived together for 13 years. Our entire adult life at the point we separated. It was painful and messy and full of mixed and confused emotions.

And, much as I loved, and still love, him, and as many wonderful times as there were, as a whole that relationship pretty much put me off relationships altogether.

Had a fling with Dave, but it was never going to go beyond that. I know I prefer to be single.

Divorce is like putting down an old dog. You know it's time, you know it's the right thing to do, but it's always full of painful mixed emotions.

I agree with everyone's perspective on divorce/ ending a LTR. It's freaking awful. Though my ex and I have remained the best of friends (which really freaks people out for some reason) the pain of what happened, of all that we went through, will never go away and I am still haunted by who those people were (by people I mean me and him.) It changed me. Not for the better. I'm just now learning how naïve I was when I was younger. I thought the world held great things, full of laughter and fun. Maybe I was a bit sheltered, I don't know. Maybe I never grew up.

But I remember all the really good things. That's why we are still friends. We're damn good at being friends, not so good at marriage. I doubt I'll ever get married again.

The world is full of everything, shaw. Laughter, fun, pain, doubt, etc...

The wolf you feed grows stronger. Dwell in misery, or starve it the Fuck out. You choose.

I starved that wolf the fuck out.
No-one to obsess about, get jealous about, cause misery to, emasculate.
And on the flip side no-one to cheat on me, hurt me, compare me to other women.

I win.
Or at least no decent guy loses.

Oh, I agree. I get that. Sorry if my post sounded like I'm miserable. i'm not. Not at all. I have good days and bad days like everyone else.

I was just thinking about the girl who sometimes gets all hidden inside the things that happen that are miserable. Certainly I've learned that there is good and bad. I just don't have the wide-eyed wonder I used to have. I suppose that's a good thing. One learns to not sweat the small stuff, when one has finally faced real pain and sorrow.

I'm still me. I'm not miserable. I'm starting to feel 'fun' again. It'll all be aight. :)

That's good news.

Are you telling us everything? :haha:

Well, now you know everything.

:rotflol:

I killed another bat. by accident this time.
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/02/25/eqasusy6.jpg

He or she must have crawled in through the shitty siding on my laundry room wall, and got that green thread tangled around it's wing... Then somehow got into the washer. It was a very clean and fluffy dead bat. Bummed me out.

I'm just glad I found him before he went through the dryer.

Did you wash your clothes a second time, or just shrug and throw them in the dryer?

They were mostly already in the dryer. I was lucky I didn't scoop him up in that first big handful of clothes. He was tangled in the last sock to come out of the washer. I think my clothes would have been doomed if I'd dried him with them. All stinky and covered in bits of hair... Bleh.

So yeah, I said Fuck it and dried the clothes. I'm lumberjim after all, not prissy Jim.

I think he was scuba diving and that was his guide rope. he didn't realize there was a whirlpool :(

Poor bugger.

He was a miserable bastard that would suck the life outta ya given half a chance.

Fuck him, I'm glad he's dead.

I thought bats eat fruits and insects?

They eat mosquitos. Lots of them. Grav is just being a wanker.

In ten years time, thousands more people are going to get bitten because of your reckless laundry habits!

His washing machine is probably a mosquito ranch and the bat thought it had won the lottery.

THERE'S NO FREE LUNCH!

They do all three, depending on the species

Grav is a fruit

And is he a batty man or merely batty?

There are few things that I am not.

A fruit is one.

:D

I'm divorced
 

Officially. I just heard from my lawyer. It became effective as of March 25th.

So, I've got that going for me.

onwards!

Huh. Tapatalk does not show post titles. For those using it, it says 'I'm divorced' .

Woot

Bugs me how long that stuff takes. Says nothing about the currently involved parties, as my parents were as amicable as could possibly be, and presented an already-agreed-upon settlement to the courts without even using lawyers, yet theirs still took a year to get finalized.

What bugs me is how little my lawyer told me about the process. And the lack of any kind of alacrity in replying to my questions. I don't know if she just wasn't interested in my case because there was nothing being argued over...but I basically had to kick her along in front of me the whole time. When we settled on Jan 29th, she said it would probably all be done by the end of Feb. No delays... no unexpected issues... just 2 months of I don't know what went by between the two dates.

whatever. it's all behind me now.

Yeah, my experience is that that's how all family-law lawyers are. In a good number of cases one or both parties is extremely irate and out for blood, so they are calling every day asking for updates and demanding that their lawyer pummel their ex into the ground and burn the remains. The high-maintenance clients get the attention, and everyone else just sort of waits around wondering why they haven't heard back yet.

*taking notes*

Like Jim said, they don't tell you shit, and in PA it's lack of laws covering divorce. The judges and divorce lawyers sit down and decide how it will be done, which varies greatly from county to county. For instance whether property settlement comes before or after the divorce.

You have no choice, the rules they agreed on in the back room has the court's power and becomes coatroom law. :mad:

Congrats Jim. Now that I type it out loud, it sounds weirdly wrong.

Whatever.

Huge milestone, huge. You sound good, that makes me happy.

Ya gonna go again?

I've been mulling over how to respond, but I'm going to borrow V's post, 'cause it pretty much says what I was trying to find a way of saying :p