haaaahahahahah!!

I like a blond joke that is about men.

Typically all you hear are blonde jokes. A blond joke is rare, but better.

What, you assumed women?

A blond walks up to the counter and says in a loud voice, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke."

The woman behind the counter says, "Umm, this is a library."

The Blond leans closer and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a large coke."

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life....
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...
I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.

There were three men and a woman who all died and met with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first man steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, "What do you want?"

The man says "I want to come into heaven."

So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you wanted was money. Money, money, money. You were so fond of money that you even married a girl named Penny!" So the first man left and the second man stepped up and St. Peter said, "What do you want?"

The second man replied, "I want to come into heaven."

So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you did was drink. Drink, drink, drink. You were so fond of drinking that you even married a girl named Brandy!"

So the second man left but before St. Peter could ask the third man what he wanted, the third man says to the woman who died with him, his wife, "Well, let's go Fanny."

And his wife said, "ok, Dick. After you."

and then Saint Peter fainted.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

A small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

My sister's plane crashed into an Irish cemetery and she died on 9/11 you insensitive bastard.

Your sister was a terrorist?

Terror, Terror, Gay Marriage...be afraid.

I bought a strobe light today but when I got the thing back home it refused to work on any of the different settings.

I went back to the store. "Have you tried switching it off and on?" asked the assistant.

from Private Eye magazine

:lol2:

One day a five year old asks his dad "Daddy, can I have new bicycle?"

The father responds "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

Confused, the boy says "No.", and the dad says "Well, there's your answer."

At 12, the boy again asks "Dad, can I have new bicycle?"

Again, the dad responds with "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

And again, the boy says "No.", and the dad says "Well, there's your answer."

At eighteen the boy asks "Dad, can I have a new car?"

The dad asks "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

The boy responds "As a matter of fact, it can."

The dad says "Good, now go fuck yourself."