You want some more material to choose from? Nun tops this list.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

The difference between oral sex and anal sex? ( I know that this is a repost, but for the new guy...)





Oral sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole weak

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Oh HALE no! That is so funny! :lol:

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This one is kinda like a Far Side strip.

Snicker.

25 Signs You Are Getting Old

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m . is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6.You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good sh!t.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh sh!t what the hell!”

Ouch ! I qualify for enough of those to single handedly override a veto.

I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

Where does a King keep his armies?











in his sleevies!

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”