A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now
on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion,"
she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

Believe it or not, South Africa has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup.

They have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil. :rolleyes:

Oof!

From SonofV this weekend camping:

Did you hear about the blonde that was so dumb she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept?

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGEFACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

$4 gas?

4 Years Ago
 

You might remember when this accident happened . . . four years ago this past March.

This Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at
Burbank . The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and then, finally, has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a golden retriever, the second is a man.

thats not funny Bruce, thats just true.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?































































Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

30 hail mary's and $40 in the tip jar to atone for that one.

Last night I got so drunk I blew chunks.
For those of you who don't know chunks is my dog.

Thanks toranokaze. That one tickled the hell out of me.

your real name is Chunks?

Damn. Thats horribly sad because its to true.

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

Something that is also true

This reminded me of cellar/dwellar conversation with the newbies. It usually ends well. :)

Nubee V TW

hehe, yeah

Never tell a woman she can't cook - she'll only give you a mouthful!

.

Attachment 18729

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State...

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes. those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,
'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'

Attachment 18730

I don't get it :(

It's a tin of "chaw." Chewin' baccy. Snuff. Stuff they like to snort. Reminds me of HS prom. :3eye:

Maybe SG doesn't get it because that's a normal sized condom in the UK.

Are there any rentals in your area, SG? How's the job market? :rolleyes:

I knew it was too big to be a condom
I have blue hair now, not blonde ;)

But I couldn't work out what on earth it could be - I assumed it must be something common or the joke didn't work.

I'm sure there are plenty of people in this country in the same boat. ie, would know it was too big, but didn't know it was snuff. :thumb:

wait... too big? what kind of dwarf condoms are you guys used to?

pssst. the rest of us don't put them over *that* head.

Why do you think he shaves his head? :haha:

Looks normal to me.:right:

what? you don't cover your whole body? ewwww. fluids!;)

I just thought it was an anal wart.

Dave Barry and Dancing Queen!

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, Reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the
boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

jib jab

http://sendables.jibjab.com/

What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the

Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.

Did you hear about the Chinese

couple that had a blonde baby?


They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

Two little boys are in Auschwitz.
One walks into the shower and finds the other rubbing his erect penis vigorously with a bar of soap.
"Hey, what are you doing?" he asks.
The other little boy replies "I'm fucking your mother!"

True story.

-----------

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fucking asshole!”

-----------

Two guys are walking down 5th Ave.
One is dragging his left foot, while the other is dragging his right foot.
The first guy looks at the second guy, says "Landmine, Viet Nam, '69."
The other guy says "Dogshit, half a block ago, 10 minutes ago."

No worries SG. It is known as dip, or snuff, chew is a bit different as that is usually chewing tobacco. Most boys in their teens start using it, sort of like smoking cigs (fags), without the smoke, hence it is also known as smokeless tobacco. Very habit forming, just like smoking. Most common in the rural South, Midwest, and Western states. Kids in New Jersey would have little experience with it. Things have changed a bit from when it was popular in the 70's and 80's, but people still do it. You could alway tell people who had dip because even when the can was not in their pocket, the outline of the can wears out the material on the back pocket like the pic, so it sort of marks you as a cowboy, or from a more rural area. Kids who start do it for the purpose as a status symbol, esp the kids who lived on the farms. That is my experience anyway.

http://loscuatroojos.com/wp-content/...al-apology.jpg


umm merc. do people use the word 'fag' anymore when asking for a smoke? Me thinks not. :P

well ok if your an old guy asking for a fag maybe you'd just get laughed at ( behind your back ) but a young teen asking for a fag? nah, not these days humphery.

They do in England where SG lives. I'll bet he used the term intentionally because he was addressing her. ;)

Still in common use here Sky.
Someone taking a cigarette break is more likely to call it a fag break than anything else.

I run a tuck box here at work and was asked if I could put cigarettes in it by the artists. I'm often asked, "Any fags left in the tuck box?" Okay we don't have any teens working here, but the 20-somethings still use the term.

Whenever I open my mouth I just end up showing my naïveté. oh well, it's a curse.

The only person I ever heard use the term was an retired baby rapist airforce man, alcoholic yonkers italian who had a thin thread relation to the mob.

There should be some mob code of ethics.

...it's those darn anglo/american differences again... :lol:

I once knew someone whose head was so far up his ass he had to open his mouth to see where he was going. Does that count?

Sounds like "Nuke a gay whale for Christ", only won't fit on a bumper sticker.

Only when I think of 'Fox News' does it help.


http://www.wordsoup.com/blog/Roll.gif

What's the difference between

a girlfriend and wife?



10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between

a boyfriend and husband?


45 minutes

Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can't stand criticism.

Subject: Economy


The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that
money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it
will go to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase coffee it will go to Colombia or Brazil. If we purchase a
good car it will go to Japan or Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will
go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes
and beer, since these are the only products still produced and 'made in the
USA'.

I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help and support.

Regards,

Governor Eliot Spitzer

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'

hehehe jester.

http://media.tumblr.com/oPap2s9W54ra...C4xWoC_500.jpg

This has probably been posted before.

I seem to be the only one with a funny bone lately.

Hope you have not seen already....:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is..
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is....
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign
saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the
parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you ! My son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing
business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun
instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it
shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

I LOVE this, Cloud. Here's to me sleeping through my as yet unscheduled butt probe and the subsequent flying colors with which I hope to pass. (pass pun unintended but too good to omit.)

The colonoscopy itself is pretty easy to take. It's that "Go-Lightly" crap they make you drink a gallon of the day before that almost killed me!

Yeah, that will be the best part.

I wonder if you can really mix the stuff with vodka? :p