Ohhh shuddup radar - its a friggin joke.

A pretty fair description of a guy with 143 days of actual senate service.

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Dear Abby:


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville, and is married to a transvestite. My
father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who
are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers. One is currently serving
a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.
My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.


I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'.


All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.


Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?


Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

LOL. saw it coming and still made me laugh.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad ! because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she'd had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:


I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the
correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,
V. Gina

#1 was originally Liz Taylor and Evander Holyfield, but ok.
#2 pretty cute, I smiled rather audibly.

.

What's funny about that? Sounds like a pretty normal conversation around my house. (Well, OK, we don't have a cat.)

That is great!

A Little Bit of Fry and Laurie.... Dedicated to those of you who didn't realize Hugh Laurie (House) is a Brit.... :lol:

Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC
sports commentators during the Summer Olympics. They would love to take back; but alas!. . .


1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said... 'Look at that... you aren't getting anything between those legs.'

Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999.

Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

Mitchell and Webb: The Green Clarinet

That's oddly reminiscent of Mr. B Natural.

The Day Today, a british spoof news show: September 11th


Audio only.

Breaking News!

This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.



A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' that to Alabama.

http://www.canucklehead.ca/_Media/gr...er1_large.jpeg

I was flopping on the kitchen floor at O dark thirty when I read this.

Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

Liquor Store | Willimantic, CT, USA
(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)
Me: *walks out of the cooler*
Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.
Me: “I don’t mind it.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”
Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”
Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”
Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Noel Fielding:



A very strange young man. Best known for being half of The Mighty Boosh.

[eta] the Mighty Boosh Live vid which is on the menu is very funny. Funnier than the one I've posted lol

ah, shaddup it's a joke sundae girl.

I live in an Islamic Republic, jokes are banned

don't talk to me unchaperoned woman.

Gonna have to cut off one of your hands. Not for any particular reason, we just like to do that. Besides, we're pretty sure you've masturbated at least once, and that's a sin.

>2000 posts in this thread... possible that this is a repeat. if so, I contend it is a worthy repeat.

**********

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:lol:

:D

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, 'Picabo, ICU.'

:snort: hahahahah!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Houston Chronicle, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Alvin, Brazoria County, Texas, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Texas A&M, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

I did lol at that one

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

child custody case
 

The Boston Globe
August 28th 2006

Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his

Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not
capable of beating anyone.

Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers
 

EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
Enlarge Image Mountain Lion

The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.

The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.

Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.

"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone."
Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault

Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.

"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.

The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.

Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.

"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."

The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.

Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock. :cool:

Wonderful marriage story
 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed side every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him as he whispered, his eyes full of tears,

'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side'...

'You know what?' he gently asked....

'What dear?' she gently replied, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


'I think you're bad luck,....... get the fuck away from me.'

Expected effects of forthcoming predicted recession in Britain

.

it doesn't end there...:

,

....and finally:

.

:lol: Who wants a full tank of petrol. Love it.

LOL!!!!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "what's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2: AM. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin". Cinderella agrees to be home by 2: AM.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.finally at 5:AM Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demand the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!"
"I met a prince Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other."

A seemingly intoxicated cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

...."The balcony".... ..

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 " high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

'No kidding!!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

How is it that Jester made 1625 posts and I'm just now reading of them?

That's because I took a long break. I drop in once in a while. Also, maybe it's because whatever I was posting at the time, you had no interest in.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period,' he replied.

'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so 'exciting' about a period?'

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy got mad, and the boy next door joined the Navy..

Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair. They begin talking.



After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.



Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.



A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.



Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.



But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"



A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.



George snickers but they continue talking.



A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.



They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.



Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.



"Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"



George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

Excellent one Brian - great way to end the day

Nursery rhymes we missed as kids
 

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one often.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Blame StumbleUpon and too much free time.

Humor=me drunk in chat
SRSLY

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thoughtfor a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars",

and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with two sluts and a queer"

I left before I got too unfunny...I think. Dunno. Kinda fuzzy on the details this morning.

Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm gonna go down on you...

And you're gonna love it...

But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it...

Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time...

Lots of love,



Fuel Prices

Quick Sex
 

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so
frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend,
She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him
for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get
his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What
happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

McCain gets Barackroll'd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TiQCJXpbKg

hmm i tried embedding it but it didn't work (so i edited it to just put a link), any ideas why?

just use the number from the youtube url, not the whole url. click quote to see what i did.

Got it, thanks!

ob-humor...
Here is ninja-cat stealthily creeping up on you when you are not looking.