Yes I do!

... with pictures :D

Thank you...thank you very much. My heart needed a hug jolt in the middle of the night. :greenface

hunglikejesus,
up your ass with a red hot poker.
That hurt.

I just finished the world's hardest jigsaw puzzle.

It was completely blank.

But when you finish, you can turn it over and there's a picture of a garden on the back. That was nice.

ZG

You one crazy Zen Master, you sure you not the Monkey King?

LOL @ Zen... very nice

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Two nuns, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar...

...and find the Cellar brawl

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country, to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze? :rolleyes:

THAT ^^^^^^^ is not funny.

Sorry, couldn't find the irony thread. :haha:

It's here. Wait. What?

OFFICE OF THE TREASURER GENERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
DESK OF: ALHAJI. IBRAHIM. H. DANKWAMBO
E-MAIL:
TEL: +234 7023186029

I AM SECRETARY OF MINISTRY OF TRESURY OF SMALL AFRICAN NATION.

I MUST SHARE MY CONFIDENCE WITH YOU IN TRUST:

I WAS PLANNING TO SEND AN EMAIL TO RIP OFF RICH AMERICANS LIKE YOU.

AFTER LAST WEEK OF FINANCIAL NEWS, I NO LONGER HAVE THE HEART TO DO THIS.

CLEARLY AMERICANS HAVE ALREADY BEEN SCAMMED ENOUGH BY BEST IN WALL ST - MUCH BETTER THAN ME AND MY FRIENDS.

I CAN NO LONGER COMPETE WITH SUCH CLEVER AMERICANS WHO HAVE RIPPED OFF FELLOW COUNTRYMAN FOR TRILIONS OF USD.

PLEASE ACCEPT OUR SINSERE CONDOLENCES ON YOUR LOSS OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS.

BEST REGARDS,

ALHAJI. IBRAHIM. H. DANKWAMBO
TREASURER GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION OF NIGERIAN REPUBLIC

2 funny

What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.

hee hee :sheep:

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

How many zeros in a billion?
 

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.


Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
is asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... i f you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orlea ns
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO?
Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage T ax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Us age Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

It took a long time for it (credit crisis) to thaw and now it's going to take awhile for it to unthaw - GW Bush

Cindy McCain is so icy Eskimos have 150 different words for her. - Jon Stewart (The Daily Show)

SG, I really want to understand this, but I feel like I am trying to read a joke in Russian. :confused:

I'm no Clodfobble, but let me try.

Sundae Girl is saying that she tricked her mother into watching a video that had been posted here on the Cellar. The video shows a girl riding a bicycle, and at the last minute, a scary face pops up into view and a loud screaming noise is heard. It's a video that is designed to startle the viewer.

At first, Sundae Girl had a good laugh because she tricked her mother. But then she felt guilty about it.

Aaaaah! Now I remember that video (thanks glatt!) Sorry, SG. That wasn't a translation problem, just my faulty memory.

Now, were did I put my spectacles and hearing aid?

How some dads would have handled it.
.
.

It's alright to do that at Halloween.

How to be cruel to old guys...
Attachment 20060

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Pfft... my eyesight's so bad, I could barely see the one at the top.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

A contribution to the "humor" thread...

Enjoy...

.............................................................................................
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------

lol jester! Your poster. What a good find :)



http://www.myspaceanimations.com/ima...ehalloween.jpg

I don't how funny ya'll will find this, but in a time of grief I found it hysterical.

My grandfather died recently without making any pre-arrangements. The difficulty that has made for our family has had my dad tellin us his own plans. He wants his ashes to be sealed in a tin can, then we are to go to his hometown and play a game called Tin-canny-oh in an alley. This is a game like Hide-and-Seek where the "it" person spots a hiding person, calls 'em out, then both "it" and "found" person race to the can. If the found person gets there first, they kick it and yell "tin-canny-oh" and "it" person has to stay it.
At my g-pap's funeral were all cryin our hearts out, even my dad who wasn't close to him (i think he was cryin for my mom and nan more so.) Dad's leans over to me during the tears and whispers "Think about how fun it will be to kick me around in a can."

Your Dad sounds wonderful.

Kick the can - a great game. Played it a lot as a lad.

I can only hear Kick The Can in Scatman Crother's voice, from Twilight Zone the Movie. I watched that on VHS so often it began to warp :)

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her upper inner thigh.



Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.



She responds "It's really cool.



If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

:lol2:

LMAO MTP!

A blind man walks into a fish market.

He tips his hat and says "Hello, ladies."

A beautiful fairy appeared, one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Office. "My good man" the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in, on the water with eight bedrooms for my family. I bring them all over here."

-PING!- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ pit, pool, in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", the fairy said waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. I want white skin like the Americans."

-PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back, the mansion disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where's my new house!?" The fairy said, "Tough stuff, Mac. Now you are a white American, if you want something you have to work hard, earn the money and get it yourself!"

Excellent one xoB.

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need-- the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

......or, you could have tipped the waiter $8 and given $2 to the homeless guy.

better still, since you're affluent enough to eat out, tip the waiter his $10 and give the homeless guy a few bucks of your money :P

You *could* do a lot of things, until you give away the power to decide.

Abortion = My body, my choice ... Taxes = My money, my choice.

Damn, this is the fucking humor thread, folks. sigh... I'll be glad when this election is over.:rolleyes:

That's what she said.


Oh wait, that only works in Japan.

You are correct xob - I didn't realize that till just now - feel free to delete my post.

Dana started it. :p

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

That sir, is disgusting.

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, 'Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing'.
'What do they say?' the priest inquired
'They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'yawanna have some fun?'

'That's terrible!' exclaimed the priest, 'but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead.'
'Thank you' the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said 'Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?'

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims 'Put the bible down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!

A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

Top Ten Signs A Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Grass! :p