Sarge, Sarge ...

:facepalm:

So I've been going to get my brain tightened once a week now for a while and learning how to negotiate the split, she just began seeing a counselor of her own and the idea is that after a while we go see someone together who has spoken with each of our shrinks.

So my homework for the week is to think about who I am taking care of in our interactions and learn to take care of me. OK sounds good, very hard to do or even notice at the time.

So today a friend of ours stops by and invites us to a thing tonight; music and dancing. I don't really dance, or I should say I really don't dance. I do dance but not to the beat everyone else is hearing. I find it very hard to pick out the bass in most music as I have a figure/ground hearing issue. So for all intents and purposes I don't dance with other people.

And, I really hate last minute invites to things sometimes. It depends a lot on who and what, but this was one of those times. These were are hippy friends who believe in extra terrestrials, chemtrails, and other really really out there conspiracy theories. They are a lot of fun in minute doses, not whole evenings worth.

And, I really am not so into going on a "date" with my wife especially when she thinks it would be an antidote rather than some sort of nostrum for our slowly poisoned marriage.

Here's the mind boggling part that reminds me of how out of it she really is. After asking me if I want to go out with her on a date (Not really, I don't dance and I don't want to sit next to mr hippy who doesn't dance and listen to him drone on without a pause about ...) she then proceeds to explain to me that the purpose of going on a date is for me to look at her and admire her and shower her with lots of attention, more admiration, desire, and longing.

So based on that it would seem that she thinks the reason our marriage is on the rocks is that I don't worship her enough. That is true because you can't fill a well with snow, but why would I be leaving her if all I needed to do to make everything better was to worship her? I can see how she's trying to change the problem in her mind to one she can win at. It isn't that she was so nasty to me over the years that she killed any warm feelings I had, it's that she's leaving because I am not paying her enough attention and here's my chance to make things better.


I am deep in WTF territory and putting the full court press on full time job hunting so I can either buy her out or move out.

Not sure how much sense any of that made.

Made perfect sense.

yeah. perfect sense.

The only part that didn't make sense is where you see a counselor together who has talked to both counselors. WTF is that bullshit? Is that something you think YOU need, or was it dictated to you? Just take care of your own bad self, her surprise is coming down the road when there's nobody putting her pussy on a pedestal.

Foot - If you haven't read Gone Girl, I recommend you do it very soon. Your situation reminded me of the book.

I agree with UT. Unless it gives you leverage with the court, fuck it.

Its impossible to really know what's going on in someone else's head. We all paint our worlds to our own needs and tastes. And we never really know what old hurts and grievances our partners may be holding on to. Your wife may be blind to the hurts she has inflicted and see only those sustained. And who knows, maybe vice versa. Or she may be reaching for reasons that make it not her fault.

Doesn't matter either way. What's important now is protecting your self. Emotionally, financially and any other 'ally you want to add.

I also am a tad cynical about relationship counsellors and the like. I think you know when it's over. Might take a while to allow that thought real headroom, or recognise it for what it is, but I think there is a point of no return in relationships. Once you go past that point it's the endgame.

Anyways. Them's just my thoughts. I feel for you, I do. It's a shitty place to be right now. But this too will pass, and at the end of the journey is resolution and change.

If I may echo Dana with an Aussie accent...

Dates? Counsellors? Fuck that shit. It's OVER. The only thing now is to complete the extraction with a minimum of further damage. Avoid being suckered into mind games.

I think the counselors are to help make the split amicable, not to keep the marriage together. At least that was my interpretation. Although it does seem that the Mrs. is not seeing it the same way.

Once again, Her Fobbulousness hits it on the head. The point of the counselors is to minimize damage control and make the split as amicable as possible.

I am seeing my guy because he is helping me see when I am being manipulated or subjected to crazy logic and also to learn how to take care of myself rather than adapting to someone else's needs. Believe it or not this has been something I've been completely oblivious to for most of my life. (Mom was a hard core narcissistic borderline personality who made sure we understood we existed to make her happy and look good)

So my counselor has already been very helpful to me already by teaching me when I am being baited and how not to get sucked in. I suspect my emotional IQ is hovering around 60. Probably less. There's just a lot of stuff I don't see mainly because I can't be arsed to play games, I just assume everyone is bargaining in good faith. I can be a real tool.

The point of us seeing a counselor together is mostly so I can get a witness, I really doubt that hearing what I've been saying from a third party will make any difference but at least I will have that shit on record if it comes to that. The other part of that is it is truly impossible to have a rational conversation with her, so that would preclude any type of "Let's hash this out ourselves like a couple of grownups" conversations.

Her seeing a counselor independently is mainly for her to get her side down and perhaps reveal to her person how nutty she is or when our counselors talk to one another and compare notes they will be aware of the disconnect.

This scenario was proposed to me by a friend who is a therapist. It's no skin off my teeth as insurance is paying for it. And I don't see how it could backfire on me as I know for a fact I am not crazy, depressive, yes. Crazy, no.

At my first session with my counselor he said "It sounds to me like you don't need a marriage counselor, you need a divorce counselor. So that's basically what he is to me, and has been amazingly helpful to me in seeing things about myself and my adaptive behaviors that I've never really seen before.

I will read Gone Girl, Thanks for the tip, Pete.

I have been patiently lining up my pieces and doing my homework, Thankfully, two years ago my state enacted no fault divorce which makes things go much quicker assuming both parties are amicable, otherwise it can drag on for years and thousands of dollars.

I have been focusing the rest of my energy on full time career change trading what I've done historically for a new pasture. I've also been spending a lot more time with the kids who know something is up but have not been told. They frequently bring up divorce as a subject, the younger one, the mm, is very clingy and has taken a few steps backwards in the potty department, cries a lot when her mom goes out and so forth.

Thanks for all your feedback.

OK, dat splain it. Glad you've got your head on straight.

Oh, and you're far from a tool. :smack:

hanghanghang in there. You're on the right track.

Stay strong ... no fault is great if things can stay amicable.

Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. Stay strong, you'll be through this before you know it.