To try to give you a kid's perspective since i dont have a married one:
My dad is endlessly cranky. My mom still puts up with it and makes excuses for him. To me it just makes me sick and has driven me away from both of them. He's not physically abusive, and I'm not sure I would call him emotionally abusive but it's pisses me off how he treats her sometimes. Not to mention he does the same damn thing to me. I don't really want them to divorce, but I do wish that I didn't have to deal with him all the time and could just see my mom. That's awful I know. Your kids might have similar feelings about your situation, but then again I'm older.

At this point:
42 y.o. no menopause that I can see.
visits mom ~ every 6 weeks
visits last 2-3 days
reaction lasts 2-4 days
unreasonable, irrational, and in denial.
She is sort of working on seeing a therapist as a prelude to counselling. Been that route before with middling results.

Things have calmed somewhat, but I know it is just an ebb tide. Waiting to see if the therapist actually happens before I make ultimatums.

Hot flashes are not the only sign of the change. I feel sorry for men just when they think they have the woman monthly thing figured out menopause happens. Asking her to have some blood work done for a hormone check will probably be taken as an insult and possibly another verbal assault to follow. :thepain:

Maybe you can suggest at an opportune moment that you both have blood work done just to make sure everything is A OK.

IMO Something happened to her. Childhood abuse maybe. Everytime she goes to her mom's its coming out... it may be getting harder and harder to control. Chances are, she will resent you and anyone who tries to help her ( for a while) Chances are, she hates what she is doing as well.... hence the anger and denial. Pretending nothing is wrong is her defence.
Help will hurt her at first.... but it will be a good thing for all of you. One way or another. All you can do is strongly suggest councelling. If she wont go, you go... and the kids if possible. They need to know its not their fault.
Sorry you are going through this... hugs to you.

Update of sorts.
Things have cooled down enough to where we can begin a dialog. Very cautious.

Mutual friends have been enlisted and I've been told she is aware, to a great extent, of her behavior. Less so of my being at my journey's end.

I am cracking the cover of "No more mr. nice guy" again.

Thanks to all of you for your emotional support. You are all a peach.

That's for women. For divorced men it's great... the best booze, drugs, cars, and lots of hos...
oh wait, that's millionaires I'm thinking of. nevermind

*grins*

:grouphug:

Kumbaya, my Lord...

Sorry to hear about it.

Take your time with it. Get a babysitter and take an overnight trip to reconnect and talk it out away from the kids.

Even that small piece of generic advice is presumptuous of me. There is so much I don't know. Still, alone time and communication are almost never a bad idea.

Good luck with everything.

If I'm really tired and scanning, I sometimes miss the point.:eek:

Griff's edit ain't half bad, but would probably cause more trouble than it's worth. Plus, I'd feel guilty as hell if I didn't also bring mrs foot...

A threefer?

:lol:

Sorry for lolling in ur serious thread.

hell, I started it.

I have a question:

What is Mrs Foot's degree of dedication to the union?

I realize that you might (probably) want to ignore this question here, STFU, perfectly fine responses. I ask from my own experience. As plain as it is to say out loud, it was surprisingly easy to overlook in my own thoughts at the time. I might want to keep the marriage intact, but if Tink wanted to end it, it was over. Each party has the right and the ability to end it (passively, consciously, actively, neglectfully, etc etc.). It takes two to make it work.

Do you want it to work?

Does she want it to work?

Is the desire of each explicitly known to the other?

Unless you have three yes answers in a row there, you absolutely have a deal breaking problem.