You posted while I was typing.
It does look weird in that order.

Ah well, I just couldn't shut up about it after the repeated stuff. It riled me. Silly me, to get riled.

Anyway, with the utmost sincerity, you are going to be OK. I suppose you don't need that validation anymore than you need the naysaying, but I feel for your situation.

I ain't makin' any new friends, though, I'm sure. Imma put on my 'shut up cap' now. ;)

You're fine. Thank you for calling things the way you see them. The world is not always a 'make friends' contest.

The truth is I felt that we were broken up when I moved to Austin, but she kept fucking me. Moving back to Portland was two different things for us. For me it was being reunited with my family after being away, and being at the lowest point in my life. Returning home with no job and no self esteem. For her it was realizing that she didn't want to live with me anymore. So I've been burying my feelings for six months, because it's to painful to talk about, and there's nothing more to say about it. I've been focusing on being here for my children, and she's been "sorry" but focusing on her new relationship. It would have been easier if everyone could have been more honest, if she could have told that what I thought was happening was, in fact, happening. We discussed it, she told me she could never leave me. Then she did. I've been in this house living with it for six months. I've turned down multiple women's advances on me because, despite how lonely I am, I can't trust anyone to get close to me--I don't remember how. I finally got a job, making $85k doing remote IT work which will be in incredibly easy for me. I can afford to do whatever I want, I'm in a beautiful city where I fit in for the first time in my life, and the realization is setting in, I don't know what to do with myself. I have every possible option that most people might never have access to, and it's all just ashes in my mouth.

And you're still living in the same house as her? After 6 months? While this other guy lives there? Do you sleep on the couch or something?

What's it like with the kids? Are they confused?

six months?

ok, you know in the PM where I said, don't go get laid tonight? I changed my mind. go get that thing wet, stat.

don't fall in love, or act like you love her. just get you some affection and comfort. ashes. pah. you've seen the blue screen of death. you've wiped your drive. You've flashed the CMOS. reinstall the new OS, and fire that thing up.

One way to know if you can't trust someone is, also, to trust them.

I tried that, and, yes, that worked, too.

She cannot be trusted.

@ Grav: you guys break up?

'Fraid so.

Ah damn. Sorry to hear that.


[eta] her loss, mate.

aw flint, sorry to hear that. I kinda like LJ's advice, but be careful -don't do anything she can use against you to limit access to the kids.

Pics or it didn't happen.

(that's legal talk)

opening up your heart to trust someone only leads to dull blade slowly being twisted in to your back. it is far better to play a role and never reveal the inner self

That's what she said ...

The other guy has lived with us for two years (back in Texas, we had all been friends for years), and moved up here with us as a roommate so we could all help with the bills, because none of us had jobs lined up here--I was working a travel contract in Austin, so initially nothing changed except where I was traveling back to. When my contract was up, I finally moved back 'home' to Portland. The last time I kissed my wife was the moment I stepped out of my car after driving for three days. But it was a strained, awkward reception. We clearly weren't getting along.

Within the first few days it was clear we were not in a relationship any longer--less than a week earlier she had reassured me she could "never" leave me. Within my first week in Portland she tentatively admitted she "thinks she might like" her friend. At this point, yes, I was sleeping in the couch. Some nights she never came up from downstairs, she "passed out" and "nothing happened" so what's the big deal, and why is it my business anyway? She ordered a futon and we turned my office downstairs into a bedroom / apartment for her. Her friend lives on the other half of the basement. I have a bedroom upstairs, and the kids share a room with a bunk bed.

I've been living here six months, drawing unemployment. I've been able to spend time with the kids again, more than in a long while. We've been trying to get along, for the kids sake, and because it took all three of us to pay for the house. In a nutshell, the most fucked up arrangement you can imagine. But worse for nobody than me, stuffing my feelings down inside so I can stand to speak in a civil tone. She kept thinking I'm going to get over it and we would all get along. I asked her, if you were writing a novel and this thing happened to a character, how would you as an author think it would be realistic to write his reaction, his feelings? I'm not sure if, to this day, she has ever understood what this has done to me.

Six months later, explaining this to the Cellar, I feel exactly the same. I feel 100% as hurt, betrayed, and rejected. I can't imagine what could change so that this isn't an injury I never fully recover from, and in some part of me, carry to my grave. On dark nights, years from now, won't I remember this? Part of me has died.

Well, fast forward to the present, I finally found an awesome job. High-paying, all remote IT work. I don't have to worry about money anymore, but it doesn't solve anything, really. My life is still turned upside down.

Are the kids confused? I'd be worried if they weren't.