SG, it's Memorial Day on Monday for us merkins. Remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice for citizens and country.

Ah, thank you. We do all that in November, when it's suitably gloomy.

We have a Bank Holiday on Monday because it's the end of May.
It's usually spent complaining about the weather.

So do we, November 11th we honor veterans, but Monday we honor those that died in the wars.

And if it's sunny, we spend the entire weekend dicussing the fact that it isn't raining.

Or stuck in traffic, trying to get to some tourist trap on the coast.

memorial day weekend is all about the outdoor pools opening :)

Taking advantage of the drift... we are having cracking Bank Holiday weekend weather. I took some pics with blue sky in to prove it (Aylesbury thread).

I've used the weather to hang out some washing to dry.

Rock and roll lifestyle...damn right.

and here comes the next phase in the stages of loss: hello, anger.

So sorry, disenchanted.

Take that energy and use it constructively. Thats all I can offer. Build something demolish something chop firewood work out... create, destroy, construct or repair. It keeps your mind and body active.

good luck.

In this situation, anger can be good. Its a form of self-preservation for the psyche.

I say grab another pony and saddle up. Don't waste time wanting someone who doesn't want you.

As soon as I think one thing, she sends me a text message out of the blue that makes me reconsider everything I thought I knew.

Head games? :eyebrow:

So I sent her a text at lunch saying "Do you have some free time this weekend so we can meet somewhere to talk?"

Her response was that she was busy, with the added "You need to give me more time and have a little patience."

I don't know what to make of that in the grand scheme of how I'm supposed to live my life, other than "Air traffic control to airplane such-and-such. We're going to need you to stay in a holding pattern for a while." Fuel be damned, right?

I figure the answer is something like "Just try to live normal, if she calls, she calls, deal with that as it happens."

If it's well and truly over, then, I know I'm going to go into a period (of ill-defined length) where dating isn't part of the equation. Granted, I thought this was the one, so ratios with past relationship lengths might not apply, but I'm sticking with my concept of "it'd be ridiculously unfair to drag this shit into a new relationship"

So if she gets back in contact, I'll have to assess that as it is.

I can help you with that: it is.

You gave it your best shot and she didn't bite. She obviously likes something about you but its not nearly enough for her to commit without reservation. You do not have the strength or the will to break it off and she doesn't have the guts or the decency to cut you loose to recover and move on. So that leaves you in an indefinite emotional holding pattern. You cannot live your life like that.

When a girl won't see you but asks you to be patient, you are dead in the water.

I wish the news were better and I do sympathise - we've all been in that spot and it sucks mastadon balls but there's no escaping the reality of it.

Take the keys away from your heart and give them back to your brain and ignore the pleas coming from the trunk. Make a U-Turn and get the heck outta there.

You will look back on this when you end up with the right girl and say "dayum that would have been a disaster." Trust me on that.

Translation: "Stand by for me for a while and if things don't work out between me and this other guy, I may use you for fill in again. And stop trying to figure out if it's over or not. I will tell you that when I'm through with you."

What Cap and Beestie said.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with the Cap'n on this one. After reading your last post, all I saw was I'm seeing this other guy and if it doesn't work out maybe I'll give you another shot. Eff that! As Beestie said grab the keys to your life and get away from this "woman" ASAP.

You owe it to her to wait for HER text message welcoming you back into her life...

...at which point you can text back, sorry I'm seeing someone else.

Maybe that woman at work? The one with that sun dress?

ETA: you're being victimized. Text her saying that if she doesn't want to meet with you, you will go ahead with that woman in the sun dress.

Another vote for the "Turn around and run, RUN, run like the wind" treatment here.
"Hang on while I figure this out" always seems to me to mean "Hang on while I justify this to myself and get to feel a little better about dropping you, then I can drop you more comfortably [for me]", even if there isn't anyone else in the wings.
Sorry, disenchanted.
Do other stuff for a while. Be self indulgent in whichever way works for you.

You've seen the movie War Games right? Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game. I think this is one of those cases. Back away now and save yourself.

Also, try to learn something from this experience. If you didn't see this coming, you didn't know the girl well enough to propose to anyway.

"Till death do us part" is a long time. You want to make sure you're compatible in addition to being in love.

This was my first thought, too. She is testing out the waters with someone else, I am sure.

I know it is hard to move on, but for your own sanity, you need to. Be done with her.

Her request for more time is a very bad sign for the relationship. It means she's done. If she wanted to marry you, she would have said yes, and been happy and enthusiastic about it and not changed her mind.

She's already given you her answer with this whole crazy affair. Time for you to move on. Don't wait for her any more. In the unlikely event that she comes crawling back to you in a couple months, you can deal deal with it then. But don't wait for it to happen, and don't expect it to happen. It almost certainly will not.

Alternatively, he did see it coming and rushed the proposal to 'lock her in'. That's what it sounds like to me, anyway.

If so, bad idea. Bad, bad, bad.

If that is the case, at least it didn't work. If it had, they would both be miserable in a matter of months.

Not necessarily another man, could be another woman... or group of women, girlfriends saying, "You can do better than him".

It's possible, but I imagine if that were the case, she would not still be stringing him along.

I don't personally think there's anyone else. I think she's just a coward. She knows it's over. But she's not willing to just say that. She's doing that stupid thing where you just wait and maybe you'll feel differently in the morning... except no one ever does. But if she just keeps waiting, maybe you'll get tired of bugging her, and then she won't have to be the bad guy, right?

I'm really sorry things have worked out the way they have, disenchanted. But seriously, listen to what every single person is telling you at this point: it's over. And even if she did come crawling back at some point, you need to have the ability to recognize that this is not, nor will it ever be, the makings of a marriage. Not. At. All. And Beestie's right--you will look back on this when you really meet the right girl and say, "Holy hell, why was it so hard to see what a bad idea that was at the time? I'm so glad I got out of that one."

No matter what her actual intentions are, she's a game player. Surprise me, don't surprise me. I would like to be with you, oh I never want to be with you again, oh maybe if you just wait longer. This is not the stuff of healthy relationships.

at this point, I'm not looking to take heroic measures to save the relationship. I think it's got doom-stank all over it.

But one conversation. Maybe get a few questions answered so they don't have to haunt me, you know?

Granted, I'm oscillating pretty rapidly between wanting clarity and closure, so tomorrow may bring a different opinion.

Oh, and Undertoad, I work with a bunch of engineers, if any of them show up in a sun dress, I'd be running away. ;)

don't bother asking her the questions, here are the answers:

It's not you it's me, I just want something more, something.... else
the time just isn't right for us
I need more time to find myself
no of course there isn't anyone else
i wasn't lying when i said i loved you it's just that....oh i don't know
this is exactly the problem, you just won't give me enough space

here, have a beer and stop being so damn sexist

monster: you missed "It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I'm not in love with you."

i wasn't sure if you were ready for that one...

here, have another beer. it's OK, it's Bud, I'm not trying to get you drunk

Yikes! OK trust me on this, eat lunch with the marketing folks from time to time. Marketing chicks know about the importance of quality packaging!

That's the one the bastardexfiance[spit - ding!] used on me.

I believe in honesty, but I also believe in trying to preserve someone's feelings. Having said that, what does everyone think is a GOOD way to approach blowing someone off? I tried to let a guy down easy once and he was on his knees bawling and begging and I thought "Um, this is part of WHY..."

You can't really say:

1) When you walk into the room, I become very disappointed
2) When you kiss me, I feel I might heave
3) If I hear you say "I seen him/her at the store" one more time I might kill you
4) Sometimes I visibly roll my eyes when the phone rings and I see it's you

Brutal honesty is always best, but there's a fine line between tact and honesty sometimes. Give the girl a break. I would say, however, that "she's just not that into you."

I say this with my usual sarcasm drizzled over truth.

Aw c'mon, just once? :rolleyes:

:muse:

At my last company, it was Finance or Business Development. Yee-haw!

Here is the solution. :D

Monster may well be both the funniest dwellar, and the wisest dwellar, all in one.

My apologies if this has already been covered...I've only read page 1 and page 15. I'll be going back to read through pages 2-14, but it's gonna take a while to read everyone's replies and your responses.

Relationships at this stage (preparing for possibility of marriage) should NOT be so hard or require this much work, and if one person is having to do all of the 'work' and/or compromising...it isn't very much of a partnership, IMO.

Get your answers from her if you wish, but cut your losses and run. Myself, I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of thinking I thought enough of them to even want to know 'why'. It is enough if *I* know it is done. I don't need to give them an opportunity to think they had me so wrapped up in them that I had to keep coming back for 'answers' I already knew.

Best of luck,
hh

The big question for me right now is "So how long would you have me waiting around to see when you're ready to even talk?"

Whether I'm suffering the loss of my life or dodged a bullet is a function that takes the answer to that question as an input.

The answer to that question has been answered repeatedly. Let it go let, cut her loose and move on. There is no point in waiting for her for one more second, she has answered you already.

I think you are addicted to her, Dis. Having withdrawals maybe? Just saying.

I did once have a guy come back and give me the "good reason" four years after he dumped me... Turns out he was gay. Who knew?? :blush:

Would you also ask "how tight do you need to squeeze the vice on my balls before you're ready to let me go?" or would you just take the vice off yourself and walk away.

you don't need to know how much she intends to torture you -she's already done enough to demonstrate that you're dodging a bullet.

I think Pie's right. she's gay. :D

I don't have the distance from this to be able to see whether or not it's as cut and dried as the popular sentiment would suggest.

But I also know that I spent a lot of time getting to the point that I was. There was a lot of thought behind the idea of "Am I ready to commit myself to this person for life?"

So right now, I'm faced with the question of "Do I move on?" (even knowing that "moving on" doesn't mean "go find a new relationship tomorrow") I'm grappling with the disconnect of "I was ready to give her my life to share. My whole stupid life. What's that mean if two weeks later I'm to walk away from the whole thing?"

I guess for my own satisfaction, I might need to be a torch-bearer for a bit, even if it doesn't amount to anything but prolonging my being screwed up.

I think you are doing an excellent job of staying as level-headed and objective as you can, dis.

Its not that you are walking away - she is, or rather she has.

I agree completely.

D'oh! :smack:

It means you had not completed the vetting process. Like a lab experiment or building a house, expectations rise as you get closer to the end, but nothing is certain until it's completed. It doesn't make you a failure just because it didn't work out.

I agree with these people. Good luck, disenchanted. You seem to me to be a really great guy - I hope you will find a really great woman to share your life with, when you're ready.

Oh and if you have some pent up aggression or whatever.... just visit the politics forum.:right:

Dis, have you found posting your thoughts here helpful at all? On an intrapersonal level if not that you've had some pretty good advice.

aliantha: Most of the advice seems pretty geared toward the negative. It's over. She's probably found some other guy. There's no way to solve this. Go find someone else. Oh, and from earlier in the thread, I'm probably as bad as she thinks I am, if not worse.

Doesn't seem like there's much hope in this crowd, and maybe it's because I still want to hang on to a little of that but don't have the distance to see it. Or, maybe there's a lot of people here that have their own scars...

I guess it's just giving me a chance to work out the daily nonsense without burning out any one person. Crowd therapy.