Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot to me.

Those of you who have my contact numbers probably won't be able to use tem to get hold of me short-term while I make decisions and try to come to terms with all this. Please don't picture me in any danger if my phone is off or unanswered, or worry unduly.

I'm once again trying to start from scratch by being honest and not papering over the cracks. Who knows, they might even be able to fix me this time ;)
So I'm reaching out to professionals, not making any desperate gestures. I promise if I feel in genuine danger of self harm I will go to A&E.

In the mean time I might or might not talk about everything here.
My mood swings from abject terror and horror at the effort of simply living, to feeling I can deal with things to wanting a little giggle. This is not simply a case of depression - of course not, you know I have to be special. It's at least a dual diagnosis, which is why the initial suggestion is to suggest I should be under supervision for such a long time.

I promise to make you aware if I am able to take this route and how and where my best point of contact is.

My dear Sundae, let me add my voice to those saying you are most definitely NOT letting me, or anyone down. I can only imagine how overwhelming this must seem to you, but please be assured you will always have my continued support and friendship. XXX


Sent by thought transference

Just take care of yourself. PLEASE!!! If all goes as planned, I will see you next year at the place I mentioned in the email. We both can get jobs there. It wouldn't be as nice as life on the bank of the old sewage lagoon, but we'd have fun.

Echoes to especially the

PLEASE!!!

Take care. You will have pride in it tomorrow.

Count me in to all of the above good wishes.

If you haven't already read your PMs, one awaits you.

BTW I posted the John Betjeman DVD this afternoon. With a bit of luck should be with you tomorrow.

Just saw this. *hugs* I don't know the tale, but it sounds a sad one.

Sundae, please do what's best and right for you. And be secure in the knowledge that everyone who loves you and cares about you is right with you, not let down or disappointed.

Your parents have always been right there with you, and that means they're on for the voyage. As are we here.

Sending you good wishes and strength. There are many tomorrows to enjoy. :hug:

I've been asked by Cherry to say " to say my laptop is down. 100% true." So please do not worry about her current silence.

At least that's better than "The cat ate my posts." :)

Cherry came to my place yesterday and spent a few hours with me and Carrot :) Went to the park with Ma and Nellie too. had a lovely time - and then went for lunch at a nearby inn.

She took loooooaaaads of photos but wasn't able to get her laptop working when she got back - she'll post them when she can.

:thumb2:

AhHa, the dogs!:idea: Coming home with dogs smells on her, caused her evil roommate to retaliate against her laptop.

Just an update to let you know I am still alive and still waiting for admission.
It's two weeks tomorrow since the official paperwork went through and have heard nothing yet. I'm in a holding pattern and hating it.

I'm in touch with Limey and DanaC and I do drop by here to read.
Sorry to other people I am genuinely close to, I just can't face saying the same thing over and over, and I don't always have the opportunity to express here how I am feeling.

I can only do so when I'm out, which means it's a good day. Then I compose posts which are bright and breezy, but don't fully reflect my life.
Or I try to describe my life in its various aspects and that brings the clouds down on a day I'd felt capable of brushing my teeth.
So my attempts are usually deleted.

My jaundice is on and off, but there's no point in going back to hospital; I know why and once the hospital did they patched me up and released me into the wild last time.

So it's better to stay at home and watch the post and hope my admission date comes through.
And wait for various appointments with benefits agencies to come through for me to take buses I can't afford.
And listen to Diz's wheezy breathing and know he'd be better off with someone other than me, even though in a cat way he loves the very bones of me. And has done for eight years. We've been the only given in eachother's lives that long...

Raining here today. Well it is Otley. Wish I could share the photos I have with you.
Do whatever you deem likely to bring me luck, whatever that means, to get me into treatment soon. I'm at peace right now, but if you ask the girls on the quiet they know that The Horrors don't lie far under the surface. And a word about them. Two very different people, two very different approaches. Two very caring and beautiful people.

Better go now. Have pigeon poo on me, and a fat cat at home waiting for dinner.
Hmmmm, may stick it out another half hour before filling his catgut.

Thank you for posting Sundae. I was wondering how you were doing.

I hope things start happening for you soon.

Thanks for posting, Sundae.

Best wishes,

N.

Nice to hear from you, Sundae. I had noticed a certain lack in the Cellar lately.

:fingerx:

Hang in there 'dae!

I'm so happy you chose/are choosing, to do the best thing for your health.
Posts don't fully reflect my life... wow.
We banter back and forth with, not people, but constructs we've put together from clues in their posts. I think while we bitch about annoyances, when life gets really dark we tend to hold that close to the vest. Could be waiting for it to play out so the whole story is told. Could be not wanting to be a dark cloud, bumming people out. Maybe not wanting to appear a weakling, not able to handle adversity. I guess there's as many reasons as people, but I still believe it's common.
Good, serves you right for feeding the flying shit factories. http://cellar.org/2012/bwekk.gif

Oh yes and

I believe it. I also believe they can care so much with ease, because you are worth it.

Very common for me at least, for any combination of these reasons and more.

For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with posts that don't fully reflect your life, in and of themselves. I find that, for me at least, sometimes the bright and breezy posts can to a certain degree trick me into feeling that my life is indeed bright and breezy. Some people find putting up a facade to be even more guilt-inducing and distasteful than just feeling bad in the first place, so it's not for everyone. But for some, the facade can be meaningful and useful.

Love you Sundae! XXX

Hi Sundae,

Please take good care of yourself.

Thanks for the update, Sundae. I'm glad you're still working toward treatment, even if the process is slow. Take care of yourself; this world still needs you.

Okay. Off to Leeds tomorrow for the assessment.
Doubt I'll sleep tonight, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
As usual what I really fear is fear itself. I am so scared of bad news, delays, censure, rejection and the fall-out when I come "home". Which is really not home now, just a place I doss down in.

Reading Kenneth Williams' diaries, which probably doesn't help.
He was so unhappy so often, and could see no way out of his own situation, isolation, self-loathing. But so much of it chimes with my mood.

If I ever get accepted to the Unit I will keep a diary.
I even bought a lovely book to keep it in, but it's useless while I'm like this. Carruthers has so very kindly offered to try to help get the laptop back up and running at home, but in some ways I am emotionally reluctant to do so, because I'm so worried what I will publicly expose. And obv I don't mean body parts because I've done that sober with no regrets.

If I regret anything it's posting unfairly about Mum when I've been in a temper, or feeling hurt. Both bring out such vitriol and unpleasantness and it is still there years later. If I sound off on the phone to someone I can say afterwards, "Sorry, you didn't need to hear that, I don't feel the same today".

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

Right. Back to the flat. Diz has been fed, I'm just out to quietly kill time before the the long dark.
And Winter is coming, fools :cool:

If you get a place in the Unit, will you be without internet access?

It's on my list of questions.

One thing I've been trying to do more of lately is forgive myself. I'm my own harshest critic. I think we all are. You are a good egg, Sundae. Forgive yourself.

^WHS^

WSSHS ^

Keep hanging on, Sundae.

don't sweat the small stuff, baby. you know you will be accepted. one way i use to overcome fear, is to become angered. you know, you get that king kong mother-fucker attitude and can do anything.

stupid advice, but it works for me

In rehabilitation I think they often want you to not have much contact, or relationships which will cloud the whole process of getting better.

If that's what it is, and it's for the best, you and we will simply have to wait it out.

Or we will set up a system of codes, and Dana can sit outside your window and you can close and open the blinds according to what you want to say.

Whut?[ahemem]I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

:unsure:

I take it then that it's not TARDIS blue.

No, I'm not River. Sadly.

So it went kind of okay today.
I felt listened to. Nice chap. Looked a bit like Daniel Craig. And that came out of my mouth [cringe]. I hope it doesn't count against me.

Have another appointment on Tuesday, and have to bring proof of my finances.
That sounds positive. And he didn't flick through a diary or appointment book to allocate it either, which makes me trust him.

Answer to some questions.
Yes to leaving the unit/ meeting people, although not recommended until later in the stay.
Four rules in the unit: NO drinking, NO drugs, follow your timetable and respect other people on the programme. It runs from 09.00-17.30 Monday to Friday, but weekends and evenings are yours.

You get an allowance of £23.40 per week. Any other benefits are paid to the centre after your (home) housing costs and standard bills are paid. Haha, good luck, I can live quite happily on a disposable income of £23.40, but the rest of my benefits won't cover the place I'm leaving behind...
Still, they'll work that out.
They help with debt management too.

Yes to Internet access. No wifi but a computer room.

Admission date? No idea. It's not first come first served, it's allocated by this mostly, but also partly by need. I have a bad feeling about this because I mentioned my endoscopy appointment and he said I should call the hospital to explain I could not go home after the procedure as there was no-one there to take care of me.
He said the hospital should be able to come to some sort of arrangement.
And that appointment is in September.
He didn't say, "Oh we can sort that out when you check in"

I didn't ask about Christmas.
It seemed too presumptuous to assume I'd even be in there by then.

I told him about my isolation, being scared all the time, not able to take care of myself, not eating etc etc.
Did the best I could.

:) Good.

I hope the next appointment goes well and that you get in quickly.

This is required, but it is all that is required. Brava!

Well done honey! One step then the next :)

Oh well done, Sundae! I'm so proud of you x! September is only next week. One step at a time, as Dani says, and we're with you all the way!


Sent by thought transference

Agree, Sundae ... September is on Monday; never mind about Christmas. Do your best at each step, it's all you can do.

Good luck on tuesday, sending hugs and support. xxoo

Dear Sundae {{{{HUGS}}}}

Met with three people today. Nurse A at the clinic, who told me she has been reassigned to take on the workload of a colleague who has just had to leave on long term sickness. So back to square one in establishing a new relationship. Although to be fair we've really just been treading water for the last few weeks anyway.

Then to St Anne's on the other side of the city to meet with the person who handles the finances, and the rehab manager.
Both seemed to go reasonably.

My question s at the beginning of all this went from
when, originally, naively,
to am I eligible
to am I suitable
to will I get funding.

Today tipped the scales back towards when.
There are still questions re funding, but they seem satisfied I am a suitable candidate for admission.
I did ask when, again, of course.
But it was explained me more thoroughly this time and I understand the reasons it is difficult to predict now.
One thing the manager said which I feel is reasonable to repeat here is that one day you can have a waiting list of ten people (for a thirteen week course) and yet by the end of the week it's only two people.
I'm still not officially on the list though, as far as I can tell. More things yet to fall into place.
So it could be over thirteen weeks yet.

But I am feeling braver having spoken to the finance lady, and have contacted a debt charity recommended by Nurse A regarding my current financial situation. Being a charity they are not pushing a product or taking fees, which is the most you can hope for.
This evening I am feeling reasonably brave because the finance person said, "It really isn't the end of the world. Whatever situation you are in when [when!] you are admitted, trust me we'll have seen worse."

And the manager did say that she felt my goals and expectations of what the service can offer match what they are able to offer. So it's back to the waiting game, but in a more informed position than I was. I'm not saying I won't be back to panic stations and in the depths of despair tomorrow. But I have hope that even if things get really hard there will still appear to be things I can work at, a way out of this alive.

I mean there is, of course. I just want to remember that.

So glad to see this, Cherry. Keep coming back to this post in your dark moments - perhaps it will help you to hold on to your hope in the bad times. X

Even if the wheels do grind 'exceeding slow' you've got over two hurdles so things are moving in the right direction.

Do the courses start every thirteen weeks? Or are they personal to each individual, ie: are the patients at any given time at different stages of their treatment?

If the latter is the case perhaps you will be able to start sooner than you think.

Best wishes,

N

The courses start for each individual whenever they can accommodate you. In fact they use a "buddying" system for the first two days, where another patient? inmate? customer? helps show you the ropes. So there is always a mix of people at different stages of treatment.

That seems to be the case with most facilities I've read about, online and in fiction.

My particular challenge is that I have to wait for a detox followed by an inpatient stay. So a bed in a four person unit for a week, immediately leading to a private room for 13+ weeks. I'm by no means the only person who has required this, but it is definitely more tricky logistically. They feel I'm too vulnerable and lack a support network for me to leave and go back on a later date.

I don't know.
In some ways I'm feeling so much more positive because I'm in the system now. I haven't slipped between the cracks.
In some ways I feel less panicked and just more resigned, which I suppose is progress. Because the more I hear, the further treatment seems to be receding time-wise. And yet I know it's not actually a mirage.

Which I suppose is me saying SNAFU.

Shit, we know you were just blowing off steam. Someone reading it years later? If they don't get it, can't see that steam in context, fuck 'em. ;)

The important thing is, despite them jerking you around at the moment you're moving in the right direction. You'll be much more gooder after you get through this.

hahahahahahahahaha. Bruce, that's awesome.

I missed that Bruce, gave me a big laugh.

Well, I had my endoscopy this morning. It was awful. From the fact that the throat numbing spray tasted of banana to me gagging, retching and throwing up all the way through.

They gave me a copy of my report and it has three little pictures on the bottom!
A new addition to the family album...
I have three varices in my throat, both grade I and grade II. These are directly linked to drinking, at least in my case, as they are symptomatic of cirrhosis.
I have to get to my Doctor before I go into St Anne's to get beta blockers, but the most effective treatment is abstinence.

Varices will bleed if they become enlarged, and although there is no evidence that they have been bleeding yet, it is probable they will if I carry on drinking.

I also have mild, portal hypertensive gastritis in my fundus. This comes under the heading Stomach. I thought your fundus was your posterior. I suppose that's why doctors and nurses have to do all that pesky learning stuff. No-one mentioned this, so I guess it's not important.

The staff were lovely to me. The nurse even wiped my eyes with a tissue afterwards. They all kept telling me how well I was doing as I heaved bile onto the pillow and I shook like a whipped dog. Still, in the scheme of things it didn't take long, and it's all over now except for a sore throat.

Am going to insist on sedation again if I need another one.

Sorry to hear that this morning was something of a trial for you, Sundae.

Given my sleep deprived brain, I can't offer much in the way of words of comfort other than to say at least it's over and done with.

As ever, best wishes.

Another trial behind you now. Can't you hear me cheering you on from Almaty? No? X

Wishing you all the best Sundae. I know I haven't been around much, but still ... <3
Hugs ... thoughts and prayers from us over the pond.

Not easy being good, but at least it will keep you being.

Sounds like fundus is doctor code for expensive for you and profitable for them.
Hi honey, go ahead and book that Ibiza vacation, Mrs Roony's gall bladder will fundus. ;)

Okay.
Still waiting for a telephone appointment with the doctor regarding my beta-blockers. Scheduled for 09.05. Reminded me of why I hate telephone appointments so much, something always goes wrong and there is no feedback.

Apparently there has been a computer glitch.
Will call again after lunch, because I now consider myself a priority call.

Diz to be collected after 13.00.
Which will be another fun wait, as it generally means anything from 12.45 until 16.00. And I can hardly hassle this woman.

And then packing, which I'm not starting until Diz has gone because he knows what packing means and there is no point in upsetting him further.
That will give me an opportunity to see if I am missing anything, and a chance to go and get it. I've run through my morning and evening routines in my head and can't think of anything I don't have. I don't have to pack for the full 14 weeks of course, just make sure I don't forget anything entirely, because I won't be allowed off the grounds in the first week and I'm not sure if they place restrictions for the first few weekends. I would if I was them.

Early doors tomorrow, on the bus at 08.00.
Think of me if you're awake at 09.00.

Ach damn, already? Sorry hon, I've had my head in my work all week, hadn't realised we were so close to The Day.

You're doing a great job, Sundae.

We will be here when you get back Sundae, just as if you'd never left.

Diz gone. So weird going back to the flat without him.
Thought, can I make it to the Post Office or should I go home for a wee? Would be better otherwise Diz will think it's dinnerti..... Oh. May as well drop by the flat first, in case there's a queue at the Post Office. For post I mean, not for a wee.

It will be easier in an unfamiliar place.

Turns out Docs had the wrong mobile number. Glad I bothered to call back a second time.
I knew there was something hinky when I called this morning. Due a call in about ten minutes, from the patronising Doc. But hey, this time it's a direct order from the hospital, so it's not like he can do anything other than fill the prescription.

Half packed. Had to come out to look up some account numbers for companies I'm contacting about my temporary address. Looking forward to it again now, all hurdles overcome except getting the prescription which is more like stepping over a skipping rope.

Ask me again at 03.39 when I'm bolt upright in bed worrying about whether this will go on my permanent record and stop me having my 80th birthday on the moon and is that someone on the landing and what if everyone there hates me....

Onwards, upwards, already Leeds-bound in my head. Eighteen hours.

Good luck Sundae! I hope the treatment has the desired result. Xxx

Whatever illness you're suffering, it hasn't affected your thinking, your ability to convey clear, vivid images to all of us here. It's a little unsettling, the uncertainty and fear about your coming treatment, not your eloquence. But I am with you via the cellar, and I have many friends here who feel the same way. Count on that.

I feel that the mental toughness you've displayed and the medical attention you've described will carry you through this ordeal.

All the best, Sundae. Always thinking of you.

We are praying for you Sundae.