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Knock,knock.
Who's there? Ether Ether who? Ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Juan Juan who? Juan more ether bunny? Knock, knock. Who's there? Stella Stella who? Stella nother ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Justin Justin who? Justin other Ether Bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Samoa Samoa who? Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Beryl Beryl who? Beryl of ether bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey Dewey who? Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes? Knock, knock. Who's there? Consumption. Consumption who? Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies? Knock, knock. Who's there? Cargo Cargo who? Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies. Thee end |
"Ether" thtop telling that joke or thuffer the conthequenthes!
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My nieces are going to LOVE those knock knock jokes when I tell them on Sunday! Thanks.
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' |
LOL...I love that one, Nirvana! :)
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- Find the C below. Do not use the cursor to help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you found the C, now find the 6 below. 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999969999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3- Now find the N below. It's a Littlemore difficult.. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer's. Congratulations! |
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Oh- one more test.
Find the 44th USA President. |
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A Jamaican guy put a sign up in his yard "Boat For Sale".
An English guy driving by sees the sign and pulls over. He says to the Jamaican "I can see a car and a trailer but no boat...?" The Jamaican says "Yeh man... and dem boat for sale..." |
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It took me a lot longer to find the N than the other two: those popped out right away.
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The C was the hardest for me.
Now that I have a headache, can I go home early? |
Yes you may.
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Latro all - I'm outta here. Have a happy and blessed holiday - or whatever for the rest of you.
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The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!!!" FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... "BRING POSSE" |
lol its his fault he trained the horse to do that
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maybe it's because I'm they are two of my favourite movies, but the timing is spot on also. I had to stop eating chips while I watches lest I choke.
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That's one nasty snatch.
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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world. |
This might be a repeat, but I still like it....
Cup of Tea One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet? |
One day, a long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman who didn't comlain, nag, or whine.
But that was a long time ago and it was just for one day. |
ROFLMAO @ F3 :D
and A REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. *************************** (Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?) |
"Get off me pa, yer crushin' ma smokes."
or the ever popular "Oh damn! That's right, yer brother's got the truck tonight." |
Cussing at work
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: What are ya, a f__ing moron? Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. Thank You, Human Resources |
From the email rounds
Three old men are walking along when one says "Sure is windy today."
The second old man says "No, I think today's Thursday." The third said "Me too, let's go get a beer." |
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense' The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'; 'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.' |
*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...." |
Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank.
There was an Asian lady in front of me in the line who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be a quite irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??' The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said, 'Fluctuations' . The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'. |
Why is George W. Bush's semen white and his urine yellow?
So he can tell if he's coming or going. |
Men's underwear come with built-in indicators.
Brown on the back: CHANGE Yellow on the front: CHECK BACK Pink: NEVER MIND |
Subject: FW: HOT AIR BALLOON EXPERIENCE
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." |
Very good. I'll rip and use that today. thnx.
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Oh classic classic classic...that is the worst recycled really old joke rendition I've ever read. It doesn't even make sense. ;)
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sorry mom sent it to me and thought.... yeh she did that thinkin thing again. IT was late and I was tired and and and...
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Awww, it's alright...just giving you the business. [/beavercleaver]
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You're a beaver cleaver? :eek:
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No, that's you. They don't call you Hatchet Cock for nothing.
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....oooohhhh.... she said hatchet.
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I wish I could talk Shaw into harvesting *my* wood.
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Little Johnny said "Gee, he got ya right in the cunt didn't he?" |
:lol2:
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Cocktail Conversation
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." |
NSFW Carttoon
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The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. . "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good." I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds "till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..." "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!! She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?" I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick..." |
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." |
Make me feel like a REAL woman!
Ok, here. Iron my shirt. |
Italian Arithmetic
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he gives him a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Oh, Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you gotta no brain? Stronzo! Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere yo u go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Mamma Mia you freakin Blinda! Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start |
Awesome!
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''" |
Clean my house?
Sheeee-it... What a dumb joke. I would've done it for $10. :headshake |
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Can I bring my brother? http://patdollard.com/wp-content/uploads/ainbred.jpg |
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Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Whew, it's hotter than hell in here." The other muffin said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" |
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