A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?

Attachment 23383



Hope you haven't seen this before..

rerun!!!!

"What's Happenin'" ?

pssh - oh well.

Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.


What's that you say?


Did you figure out the answer yet?


Do you get it?



It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...



But I got it.






There's no f in way.

Cute.

Die Hard reenacted by bunnies in 30 seconds.

Clickie

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut


off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in


the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,

"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da
finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you

hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got

microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem

back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole

says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Variation:
Kids asks for chocolate ice cream at the store. "There's no chocolate, just vanilla and strawberry." Kid asks for chocolate again. repeat 2x. Store keeper "spell the VAN in vanilla" kids spells van. "Spell the STRAW in strawberry." Kid spells straw. "Now spell the FUCK in chocolate" There is no fuck in (fuckin') chocolate.

"That's what I've been tellin' ya, kid"

Best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian:

You know they'll swallow.

How can you kill 200 flies at one time?

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF214-Hard_Read.jpg


Bonus RL sort of humorous:

"Thank you for calling DirecTV, Mr. Dallas. I see that you've been a DirecTV subscriber since 2002. We very much appreciate your loyalty. What may I help you with today?"

"I need to cancel my account."

”Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer……

Amen”

Top 4 Adult Jokes?
 

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.



The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me.'



She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place:


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm.



The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist ap-

pointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'



The husband, rejected, turns over.



A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you

have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill

said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion

on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

that something was seriously wrong.


'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my

penis in the pickle slicer?'



'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill , what happened?'



'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'


'Oh ... she got fired too.'



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the break-

fast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'



'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-

bird fifty years ago.'



'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'



Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples

are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'



'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the

other is in your oatmeal.'

Actual Passport letter to the passport office:

Dear Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!

SHIT!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed of this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my addre ss??? What is going on???

You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!!!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be too darn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!!!!

Signed - An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security 2-0 clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.

I thought this was pretty funny

Attachment 23542

:biglaugha

Ali
that was funny as hell to me too.:lol2::lol2: thanks

I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

Damn good eye, Steve.

We tend to recognize the familiar....

:rotflol:

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Well, I wondered what he was doing like that... at first I thought.. no, no way.. I had to look and figure it out.

He's actually CRAWLING up to give it to her. What a goddam.....humph uhh.... errrr, GREAT guy..errr I mean husba.....ahhh... I uhhh.... PROVIDER? :eek:

Good joke. I will use that tomorrow at the Lodge.:D

How To Stop A Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon. .



She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank , a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..



Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
.... . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)

Game set and match

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennisball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.

I thought so too. Actually, I think someone posted this before. I sent a male friend this pix, thinking how he may roll his eyes but see the humor in it. He did not. Actually, he became rather upset. :biglaugha

@ Nirvana: HEEHEE.. good one!

Minnie Pearl used to tell a story about a hen that talked and laid square eggs. A woman asked what does the chicken say? Minnie replied, "She says OUCH!!"

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks at him and says "Hey, why the long face?"

Tarbender, my wife says I've had tee many martoonis. But, I'm not as much under the alfluence of incahol as some thinkle peep I am.

A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley.

He asks, "How much for Sex?"

"£20," she replies.

"OK," says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a Cop appears and shines his torch in their faces.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"Nothing Officer," replies the Paddy, "I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry Sir," apologises the Cop, "I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts back, "Neither did I until you shone your f***ing torch in
her face!"

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston, Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe. I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips. I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!"
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

The Law Of Unintended Consequence





John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.



"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.



"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.



The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.



"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."



"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.



"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.



"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."



"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."



The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"



The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

American Kids vs Italian Kids

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married......
Unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees.
If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done .
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done.

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish,
A choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.

American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread .
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).


American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.

American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.

I'm missing the humor in that. do you need to be one or the other to get it?

I guess so Monnie - It must be an inside joke.
try this one:

A priest, pedophile, and homosexual went into a bar and approached the bartender. The bartender asked "what can I get you, sir?"

This could be applied to greek families too. It reminds me a lot of my friends family (who happen to be greek).

In fact, when they'd just gotten married and moved into thier own home my friend and I had gone out, and I'd brought a bloke home with me. Her dad showed up at about 8am to do some painting when this guy was still there, and boy did I get some looks. Embarrassment!

SOCIALISM You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two cows.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VUQ-4Z17s4

I can't remember how to link that, but I found it rather humorous...

My wife is half Italian. It's all factual AFAICT.

My first visit to Mrs. Dar's Italian side of the family was an eye opener. We arrived at her cousin's house ~ 3pm. We were due to have dinner at her Aunt's house ~6. The cousin thought we might want to "pick a little" after our car ride. The 'snack' she prepared was two kinds of meat, three kinds of bread, an assortment of cheeses, two salads, two kinds of peppers and a pie.

well yes, but i don't see why it's amusing is all. I wondered if there was something subtle underneath that I just wasn't getting.

I think we have the same insurance plan

Three men--a Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon--are talking about their families. The Baptist says, "I've four boys. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

That Catholic says, "I've eight boys. One more and I'll have a baseball team."

The Mormon says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Not everything in life is a par four.

Fixed;)

Thanks Bruce.

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash....
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say "Da Bridge is Out"?

There's one image in this set that is probably NSFW, but otherwise OK.

Enjoy!

A couple emailed to me this week - enjoy....

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.


Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.


The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.


Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.


Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.


Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver


The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.


Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.


Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.


Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.


The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.


Abba---
Denture Queen.


Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.


Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.


Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.


And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Deciphering Academic Talk
 

"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"It is believed that" = I think.
"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

http://www.ourfunnylists.com/lang_academic.html