I said to Dani and Limey yesterday - it's like breaking up with someone.
Hurts like buggery. But this time you know it's going to go on forever.

We might only have spoken once a fortnight.
PM'd weekly.
Interacted on here every few days.
But now everything I see and everything I do I just want to share with her.
I think "Bri would love this!" or "That would make Bri laugh!"
I know I thought those thoughts before, but I also know I never thought them so continuously or consistently as I do now.

And one of the jarring things is that when things are wrong in my life I come here for advice, for comfort and the occasional slap upside the head (sometimes right, sometimes annoying.) But the situation is reversed here. Here everyone is mourning Trilby. It's not my own personal grief that I can just spill out and have everyone hug me. She wasn't mine to grieve about alone.

And at home, there's no-one I can share it with. I'm not at work, the 'rents are in Spain (although Mum has been lovely on the phone), my sister is not talking to me and my brother wouldn't understand.

Sorry. This isn't poor me, poor me (pour me another.)

As I said before, Limey and Mr Limey are letting me stay with them next week, so it will all be different. But even then I will want to document it. She really wanted to see Arran. We were going to tramp round every damned site of historical interest on that island. At least until we got tired of standing stones not revealing a gruagach to us and finding somewhere with a real open fire instead. But she won't be here to see it or read it or write one of my phrases down in her notebook for future use.

Will have to ask the Limeys of a suitable way to honour her traditionally. And if it involves a libation I'll buy a miniature and pour it empty.
If not, I'm going to buy a bloody Chinese Fire Lantern and write my love for her before it burns. She'd have laughed at me borrowing from other cultures to find some meaning.

I was thinking this morning...so many things popping into my head...

Jim you said you think bri knew you loved her...i know she knew. Your usertitle, dude! It's such a trilby phrase she said to you. Given with her witty love.

Sundae, you were so close with her. I know this hurts so much for you. I'm glad you're going to limeyville...hang out with some good souls.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. I think, for a very long time, we'll keep expecting to see a very trilby-esque post. I will so miss her.

This is very sad news. My deepest sympathy to her sons, family and each of you who cared about here, here in the Cellar.

She was honest and real. I hope that she is in a better place and enjoying every moment of it!

Ciao Bri/Trilby/Claudette...may you have peace, and be surrounded by love, beauty and grace, wherever you are.

So true.

I agree with plthijinx. Too much death. I'm still wearing a mourning button for my father, and my uncle passed a few days later. But they were both in their 90's so that is expected.

Brianna (and I will always remember her as that) was one of the dozen or so people from the Cellar that I 'knew'. I liked her spirit, and the way she argued.

I am very sorry for you loss, Danny and Taylor. I enjoyed reading your mom's posts, and I am sorry I never got a chance to meet her. One great thing about the Cellar is that it's an archive. Brianna's 'letters', the part of herself she shared with everyone, will stay here.

When my mother passed away a few years ago, her Rabbi came up and wrapped a red string around my left wrist. It turns out he also studied Kabbalah and did it to protect us from evil. I'm not much for mysticism, but I did find some comfort in knowing that someone went to the trouble to do that.

I don't propose to give you any red string, but know that I pray that you can move forward in peace. Since I pray so infrequently, maybe it will get noticed. May G-d shelter you and give you comfort.

I just read the new Cellar tagline, and I've got tears in my eyes.

That was lovely Rich.

The tagline is touching.

I just want to say how much I appreciate the kind words and the appropriate reaction you have all had toward this tragedy as it is very similar to my own assessment of the situation. My brother and I are heartbroken that we have lost our best friend, our confidant, our kind adviser, the most loving person we have ever known. She would overdraw her checking account and drive across the country if I needed to be bailed out of jail. She would cook my favorite meal all day long even if I was just stopping by for a few hours. She would research things to help me in school, even though the internet wasn't her strongest skill. She would lie to me when I needed it. She was so in touch with my feelings she could read my emotion based on the tone of my "hello" on the phone. She was AMAZING. God will I miss her. I hope to adopt and embrace all of her qualities as a person but use my experiences to overcome any destructive addiction as well, in Claudette's name. She will always live forever in my heart as the most beautiful, intelligent, and caring woman I have ever known. I treasure all of your words about my mom, thank you all again, so very much.-Taylor

PS: I apologize if you are freaked out when Trilby continues to post. Claudette's life does live on through me and Dan.

That is beautiful. Of course i am not surprised that Claudette raised such kind, caring, and smart guys. She loved you both so much. Thank you for your post. Please continue to post if and when you want to.

Fitting since she lives on in our hearts too

Well said, Sarge!

Would it be wrong or somehow seem odd to suggest that you could even make your own user name and continue to visit us Taylor and or Danny? I'm sure a lot of people would draw comfort from your presence, and you may find you feel the same.

Your Mum was very much loved on this site. I am sure you know that though. I feel very sorry that you are going through this all at such young ages. xxx

Taylor, Danny, please do continue your presence here.

A couple of thoughts:

I'm about Trilby's age and I lost my Dad when I was pretty young. I miss him terribly still, but though the heat of that grief has cooled, I do still wish I knew more about him. Things like what he said, how he was as an adult (especially now that I'm an adult), since I only knew him as Dad. I don't have a lot material to work with here, some pictures, some second hand stories. Naturally I love those, but their not his voice. Trilby most definitely left her voice here for all to see, as richlevy pointed out above. I don't know how much hanging out in the cellar you've done up to now, but I assure you your Mom's presence is considerable.

Additionally, she had many friends here. Friends who I am sure would be happy to talk to you about her, in public, like these posts, and in private. I don't know how much she talked about us, but we knew a bit about you, and from us you might learn about her. Assuming you want to. We're here, we'd love to have you here too.

I hope you and your family are getting by ok, I know it's tough. **hugs**

Thank you for posting, Taylor, it's a big help to us to know you guys realize how special she was. Sure, everybody's Mom is special to them, but you've convinced me you know she was more than just a loving mom, she was a loving human being.