I don't see why everybody got so upset when Hussein Obama won the Nobel without having done anything important..... Hell..... he was elected president by the same principals.

Thats not funny, capn.

Here's funny:
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

I'm not so sure
 

I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.:eyebrow:

For Merc. . .

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must complete before you can be accepted."



Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "I want you to take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six terrorist extremists, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi and a rabbit."



"Why the rabbit?"




"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving without risking a "sexual harrassment" charge....

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Its Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll explode!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some, there's plenty!

10. Don't play with your meat!

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin!

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when the little thing pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. That piece is so big I can't get my mouth around it!

and #20.....Do you want my left overs?

MARTIAN SEX !!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have
accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian
couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the
night and experience one another's styles!

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a
quarter inch think.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman!

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad,
passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any
good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How
about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

DONT FART IN BED

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided
to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

I should have stopped for a sec to think
Before I decided to just click that link
Hey, Yahoo is where all the fun is at
What's this thing that they call chat?
I was unprepared for what I had in store
Just as soon as I entered that little door
An adventure of sorts that was for sure
What can I say I was so innocent and pure!
Now don't laugh at me yet I just got started
Telling you my story of the world uncharted
At first I wasn't sure exactly what to think
Little did I know I would soon need a shrink
All I could see were words on the screen
Thinking to myself, "What does all this mean"
I began to hear many different voices speaking
As soon as I heard this I just started freaking
I observed these people and I started to learn
Midnight hours I was begining to burn
No one told me yahoo was so addicting
With my real life it began conflicting
Naive I was because I believed them all
I didn't know my heart was subject to fall
I can't believe the things people would say
Do they come here and act like this every day?
The cam invites came out of no where
I could accept them if I should dare
Man I wish I hadn't looked at this prick
Oh god, what is that he is about to lick?
I was asked if I would get naked on cam
Oh my lord, I think it is time I scram
I saw a Canadian not wearing any drawers
I am pretty sure they sell those in stores
The more I sit here the stranger they get
Did I just hear someone on the mic howling?
One guy asked, "Do you swallow or spit"
Must be the right time for midnight prowling
Anything can happen this is yahoo you know
But I am certain I don't want another cam show
I just heard a moaning contest on the mic
Now this kind of chat I can assuredly like
The winner even made my toes curl
She sent my sensual desires for a whirl

Hot seat is a game that they all like to play
Most assured a fun game until it goes astray
Strange things may occur in here for sure
But some of these people seem so pure
Trust is something that is hard to find
A true heart seems to be a rare find
People are real, this I learned from the start
Emotions and feelings run deep in their hearts
Personalities of many you will find in here
Some of them are close and I hold them dear

I think I enjoy this Yahoo place too much
I seem to use it as my everyday crutch
Well it is that time for me to stop rambling
Just thought I would share my bit of gambling

Taken from a screen shot I stumbled upon.

How to frustrate a perv or the wrong way to catch one.



Connecting to server....
Looking for someone to chat with. Hang on.
Now you're chatting with a random stranger. Say hi.

Stranger: u male or female
You: female
Stranger: u horny
You: was that a question
Stranger:yea
You: try one of these next time...>?
Stranger:wat
Stranger: oh this?
Stranger:you horny?
You: better ...but still not a complete sentence
Stranger:r u horny?
Stranger:R u horny?
You: so close yet so far... r and u are not words
Stranger: are you horny?
You: almost there!
Stranger: Are you horny?
You: no

you have disconnected

I may not be horny yet, but grammar is such a turn-on. Oooh yeah baby, would you like to visit my abode and parse my sentences?

The funny part was it was an screen capture of an actual conversation but I wasn't able to upload it.

poor emma
 

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have"?

The seal replies "Doesn't really matter. Surprise me. Anything but a Canadian Club".

Is this how's it done?
 

:D

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy ..

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, smeared with lipstick, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'

I'm ripping that for work today.:lolsign:

A wise man once said "THIS IS NOT THE POLITICS THREAD, PEOPLE."

So all political humor is forbidden? WTH? C'mon, thats still funny.

Really.

She's a politician?

Not only that, the joke is in a previous post with Hillary Clinton so it's not only lame, it's tired too

....which also can be said of politics in general.

I agree














:D

I thought it was a good joke. She's a newb and NOT a politician. Can we ease up, people? Hell ... I'm almost afraid to invite someone here. If we don't want any new people, somebody tell me. You want to corner the Cellar with the regulars we have? Throw me a bone.

Radar... you don't run the Cellar. Shut the fuck up and ROLL with it. JFChrist!

Q1: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.

Q2: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Q3: Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas?
Ans: Because the weather warmer there.

Q4: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

It was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner in the dock 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened'

- - - - -



Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.'

This is NOT the Christmas thread, people.

J/K...

great jokes, Mon. Mind if I use them?

Here's an old, political joke involving a chauffeur. It takes place long before her saintiness, Diana, passed away.

Diana and the Queen mum were out going for a drive in the country (HA! It's a joke, remember? Suspend disbelief for ten seconds) when they car was summoned by a woman in distress. The Queen ordered her driver to stop and ask how they could help.

As they opened the window the woman stuck a gun in the driver's face and told them all to get out of the car. She turned to the queen and said, "Give me your diamond necklace! I always see you going out and about with that necklace. Give it to me!"

The queen very calmly replied that it was at the jeweler's having a loose stone re-set.

The woman turned to Diana and said, "Give me your Tiara, Diana! I always see you wearing that tiara. I want it, NOW!"

Diana very calmly replied that her tiara was being cleaned that day and that is why she wasn't wearing it.

"Well, give me the keys to the Bentley, and shove off."

The robber drove away and the queen, Diana, and the chauffeur began to walk back home. Along the way, The queen turned to Diana and said, "I could have sworn I saw you wearing your tiara when we got into the car."

Diana replied, "Yes, I was. But when we got closer to the woman I became suspicious, so I removed it and hid it in my vagina. Now that you mention it, weren't you wearing your diamond necklace?"

"I was. And like you I became suspicious so I also secreted it in my vagina."

They walked on in silence for a while and the queen said, "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us; we'd still have the Bentley."

yeah I do actually, I stole them, they're all mine now! bwahahahaha..... :p

(you should see what passes for humor on some christmas sites.... ouch!)

:lol: @ foot3

I will refrain, then. Respectfully. heeheehee.....

A Lady once got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a tattoo of a ham on her other thigh. When her friends and family asked why she would do such a thing she replied, ''Because the best eating is always between Thanksgiving and Christmas"!

The same lady went back to get another tattoo of a dollar bill under her belly button and explained to her cheap boyfriend, ''all you can eat for under a dollar."

by the way....this one is not political. :frog:

This is some funny shit.

Well you got one part of that description right.....

Q. Why did Tiger Woods get in trouble?
A. Because he was caught playing more than 18 holes...

Tiger Woods' 2009 Christmas Card

:lol:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

How are Tiger Woods' house and the Rider Cup similar. They're both places where Tiger gets beaten by a European.

Tiger woods' wife is endorsing her own line of golf clubs. The tag line is "the club you can beat Tiger with"

This is not a sports thread folks! :p

Third use. I declare a new Cellar meme.

Haggis.

and then some

I'm glad to see you to getting along but droping X together what happened to the days when it just took kissing to make up.

The following website is like a train wreck. You don't really want to see it, but you can't look away. I spent way too much time there. And it belongs here because there is some seriously funny stuff to see.

http://ugliesttattoos.com

Not funny stuff but I felt compelled to put this up to counter that last site from Radar. There ARE beautiful tats out there, although I personally do not like them and have none myself.

May not be totally safe for work!

Wow, I don't find any of those women beautiful. Some of them might be if it weren't for the tats though.

I don't know how you can think people permanently putting stupid crap on their body isn't funny.

http://ugliesttattoos.com/wp-content...ice_anon-P.jpghttp://ugliesttattoos.com/wp-content...w_joseph-P.jpg
http://ugliesttattoos.com/wp-content...arradine-P.jpghttp://ugliesttattoos.com/wp-content...oppinfresh.jpg

In all fairness, the Pillsbury dough boy corn-holing Little Debbie is pretty good.

in the same way that you don't know how you're so unsuccessful socially?

and 'scuse me but I think this tat is damn stupid, but I ain't laughing about it.... well not much, anyway ;) The baby's quite cute, though ...and not permanent....

Oh yes, a wonderful idea.

It's how they do Snow White* that I want to see.


* originally typed: Snow Shite ... really.

Yes, a celtic cross on an Irish guy is totally stupid when compared to a tat of David Carradine as a grasshopper doing auto-erotic asphyxiation, or Vanilla Ice, or any number of other tats that those people will surely regret if they don't already.

My daughter is more permanent than my tattoo. Oh, and I'm very successful socially. I've got friends all over the world.

Because they're trying to stay away from you?



I kid. I kid.