Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says,
"did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim,
"No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"
O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says
"Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin.
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says,
"Yes may I help you?"
Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says,
"Are you the widow O'Hara?"
To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."

That's great.

That's good stuff right there, yes sir it is!! Most rednecks round these here parts knock would knock on the widow's door and simply say...'your ole man is DRT....(dead right thar)....

I haven't heard that in ages. :D

How about 'DFO'? We use that one a lot when folks call in on our EMS console.
It is used as a general call for 'done fell out' EXAMPLE...I don't know what's wrong with Bertha, she just done and fell out!

Just hope that you never 'dfo' from seeing a 'ufo' :D

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that the couple was having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.



"Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.";)

:lol:

More Irish Jokes
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxJ_l6hSzc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H_WSTv_Z48

whiskey has an e in it

Per the Perfect Drink " If it has an "e", it came from the United States or Ireland, No "e" Scotland or Canada. If the name of the country has an "e" in it , so does the whiskey.:greenface

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

very funny

non humorous comment:

yeah.. think about that.

When I was trapping squirrels, the peanutbutter was always still in the trap.... meaning the trapped squirrel knew it was fucked and eating the peanut butter was no longer a priority.

With the moustraps...i noticed that the peanutbutter was always gone. I thought....hmmm....i wonder if the mouse was still clinging to life, and some how stil ate the peanut butter. .....and then one night, I checked the trap and there was a dead mouse, and the peanut butter was all gone.... so I reset the trap, and put it back....and then 20 minutes later heard it spring. this time the peanut butter was stil there, and i came to the grim conclusion that this last mouse i caught had climbed over the dead body of the previous mouse and ate the peanut butter from the previous set. ew.

Yeah, all that shit you learned about how animals are just like humans from Disney is a bunch of crap.

ANIMALS DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I helped a friend slaughter his pigs, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other pigs came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last pig was completely unconcerned.

This is not to say that I approve of CAFO farming or mistreatment of animals. I'm just saying that animals aren't like people. At all.

That was kind of a creepy joke SN :eyebrow:

2010 Winter Olympics
 

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these aresome questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on anInternational Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watchthem die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroadtracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a listof them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here andwe'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, whichis...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday nightin Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Wherecan I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the femalepopulation is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk isillegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget itsname. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brainsof anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by sprayingyourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Nice!

Yeah, I know. Do you think it was my delivery or my timing?

Stage presence.

Its the fact that you ARE a squirrel - thats what creeped me out. Especially after Jim ....

Don't hate me because I wear fur.

And have a tail.

And hold your nuts in your mouth.

. . . and spelled squirrel uh, differently.

:lol: leave it to Sheldonrs! I wonder how many unsuspecting people pop in and their key boards and monitors are ruined by his comments ;) One way or another LOL!


Note to self: do not drink tea while reading humor thread

It's not squirrel, as in girl or cyril, it's squirell as in Tyrell.

I have vitiligo.

Why does your skin condition make you a woodland creature?
On another note I have never seen a squirrel in the woods.

There's no causation between my skin condition and my woodland status. I was making a racial stereotype joke about the name tyrell. I am bad.

Damn, dude. Get out.

Penguins
 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an

extremely ordered and complex life.



The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well

as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring

throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family

and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their

vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird

to be rolled into and buried.





The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:









"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!




You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Aww I catch that one.

Its true I have spend a lot of time in the wilderness and never once seen a squirrel there. The only time I have ever seen squirrel is in developed areas with trees.

:lol2: I was all set to call bullshit (on the penguin thing), I forgot which thread I was reading.

Missed my favourite:

P: Unfamiliar noise from number two engine.
S: Engine run for 20 minutes. Noise now familiar.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next, Chubby."

:D that's funny as hell, thanks.

HA! You better hope YOU never come home and call ME 'chubby'!! :headshake

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!!' after just a second or two the cries are repeated, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!'

All night long, the cries are repeated over and over again with no hints of the second dwarf even being out of breath. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!!, here I come again, ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!'

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf mutters, "it was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection!" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the fucking bed!!"

Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray. :rolleyes:

She can pray but not out loud. ;)

It's not funny.

Hey! Did I ever tell you about the time I helped slaughter a bunch of pigs..?

:D

In the UK, you can teach the kids to pray. You can also get paid much less. I suggest you count your blessings and STFU.

I thought it was funny

I helped a toranokaze slaughter his toranokazes, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other toranokazes came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last toranokaze was completely unconcerned.

This is not to say that I approve of mistreatment of toranokazes. I'm just saying that toranokazes aren't like people. At all.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

That's funny.

I think the most important consideration is how the toranokazes were going to be used. Taxidermy student practice? Food? Leather? Fur?

.

. . . answers

That's good! Of course, for question 2, the following answer is also acceptable.

or this?

lol - I knew you guys would come up with some alternate ones.

that's what I thought of too, pie

You do it in the corner and only use 2 lines.

Draw "a rectangle" with three lines