I heard about that on the radio this morning -wtf???

That can't be real. Can it?

According to NBC,
"It’s not an actual school play. Director Marc Klasfield, of Lady Gaga video fame, reportedly produced it probably somewhere in LA, TMZ reports."

I don't know if the play is more disturbing, or the fact that TMZ is apparently the best we've got.

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided
To pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
Failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
Was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
State of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of

Making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
Pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
It for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man. :cool:

PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"





"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...."

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..
>
When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
>
The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
>
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
>
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.

The Wedding Ring


A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...


3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! "

I'm not rated for human consumption, it says so on the label.

One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk.
"What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox.
"My thesis," said the rabbit.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox.
"It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?"
"My thesis," the rabbit replied.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf.
"It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth.

The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor!

:yesnod:

thats not funny - its true & sad.

More not funny, sad.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2793/...f29efdee_o.png

DeLuise was the bomb.

And one of his funniest movies was "Hot Stuff". Rent it or buy it. I almost died laughing during the pot smoking scene! :D

True and funny

True, funny, and practical. :thumb:

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian
woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."


With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "We Shall Gather at the River."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

Pilot Humor
 

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

HA HA HA - Good one I like that!

I first read it this way:

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009


Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you! :eek:

"none of woman born shall harm Macbeth"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

I'm using this joke tonight, if I may?

Actually there was a bunch of Obama bashing in front of that part.
I deleted it all. I think its funnier this way, but hey thats just me.

Use whatever you want.

Well, my brother will like it if I leave in the 'bama bash. I like it better this way too, though.

That whole simplicity thing. ;)

FWIW - here is the intro.

In white to protect the innocent... whoever they may be.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel
"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said,
" Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself?

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger

wrong thread ;)

Subject: To the greatest drummer in the world...



In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do.



Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world." Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake." Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich.




Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope.



He began to read the letter, "Dear Ringo...."

When I heard it, it was the greatest violinist, Jascha Heifitz, Fritz Kreisler, and Isaac Stern.

Who was it written too?

Buddy Rich could be hard on his bandmates.

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

The horn player admitted, "I just love hearing you say it."

Jack Benny?

This is not a music thread

Now that's funny.

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".




The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is
it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which
the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich..' The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you
remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still
very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him,
'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the
flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occason I
was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded
understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.
Finally,the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?'

A Romanian accountant is working for the mob and decides to embezzle several million dollars. He's caught and getting worked over by the mob but he only speaks Romanian, so they get a translator to help interrogate him.

The boss says, "Tell him if he doesn't tells us where the money is, we're going to kill him."
The translator gives the message to the accountant.
The accountant gives in and says, "I buried it under my shed."
The translator looks at the mob boss and says, "He told you to go fuck yourself."

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

Bwaaaahahahahah

oh come on...... a little repetition is inevitable, but a quick and simple search shows that at least classicman and crimson ghost have already posted this one in this thread. Is it a right-wing christian right of passage that you must tell this joke? :p:

Better than having ya bits trimmed!

Now here's this...

How many flies does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?






















Two, the trick is getting them in the lightbulb.

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

I can't remember. It was decades ago.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian.
The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Little Johnny's Sister
 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

Ahhh, INTO the mouths of babes.

For Nirvana...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with an orange cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead ?!?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
now $150."

:shock: