:lol:

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Taste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant..

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! Ând What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fucked up your hair ?"

At schoole the teacher is trying to get the young ones to pronounce words with more than one syllable.

Teacher: Can you tell me a word of two syllables ?
Sally: Teacher.
Teacher: Fine who will go for three ?
Marcus: Enemy.
Teacher: Not a very nice word, but true, it's 3 syllables. Can someone give me one with 4 ?
Jhonny: Masturbation.
Teacher (a bit shocked): Right. 4 syllables. That's really a mouthful.
Jhonny: No, Madam, that's head, one syllable, but I love the way you think.

LMFAO!

Comic puzzle.

Libertarian pets

haha good one merc

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

FTW there bruce

"f**k the world"?

For the win

Yeah, FTW was fuck the world when I was growing up, too. I still have a hard time getting used to the new usage.

Shit, I have to Google them most of the time to figure out what the fuck they are trying to say. Even that isn't conclusive, as there is often more than one definition for any given combination of letters, so I assume the worst. :rolleyes:

FTMFW

for the mother fucking win

Fuck the world has turned into Fuck my life or FML. Me! Me! Me!

And NWTF is North West Turkey Farm, or National Wild Turkey Federation.

In other news, the Wyoming Tourism Federation is considering a rebranding move.

Then, there's TWF!

And there's always this.
http://m.friendfeed-media.com/1537bc...deb0e83b165498

:lol2:

wwf wtf iff !fml

Q: What is the sexual position that gives ugly children ?

















A: Ask your mother

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"


"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff, but before she could say "Fuck!" the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

What is it with this unnecessary last line business? Kills the joke, totally.

Remedial Joke telling.

The "Humor Impaired" America's fastest growing minority.


Actually, I think it is this pathetic trope that I see often in my inbox along with other Glurge purporting to be "True" accounts "From the mouths of babes" like so much regurgitated pablum.

As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it.

fix'd that for you ;)

Actually lolled

good :D Your :lol: ing made me :) which I needed cause I'm a little :mad2:

;)

Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy."
Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy."
Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"

The King of Rap?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb_j8DScFck

or was that the King of Heavy Metal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnO7Pdm4ttc

A guy got pulled on the side of the road by a police officer.

"Good morning, Officer. What's the problem ?"

"You were speeding well over the limit. Can I see your licence ? and have you name and profession ?"

"Of course, Name's John Smith, I'm an asshole enlarger and here is my licence."

"Asshole enlarger, seriously. What's that ?"

"You see, Officer, some people think they have too small an asshole. So they call upon my services to stretch it. Then I put gloves on, a lot of lubricant and insert first a finger then two, three, and son until I get my hand in. Then, I start working to insert the other hand. When I reach that step, I begin to use tools to keep the stretching going on. When they're real loose, I start using struts for shoring. I stop when they have a 6 foot asshole."

"Unbelievable ! And what can people do with a 6 foot asshole ?"

"They give him a uniform and put him on the side of the road.""

'Cause see, I thought the joke in squirl's post was that As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it actually WAS a tagline, and therefore ironic.

I guess not.

Those taglines are dumb, but they're a verbalisation of the old vaudeville / musichall tradition of the percussionist making a drumroll+rimshot after the comic cracks a joke (and therefore a cue, for the audience, to laugh).

People like to be told when to laugh.

Not everybody.

Shawnee -that extra line has been added by someone other than the original author, therefore SN's post was not complete until fixed by me.... ;)

Ahhh, yeah...that makes sense.

Not only do I not want to be told when to laugh, apparently I'm completely oblivious to the cues. No wonder I get funny looks at funerals and murder trials.

am i supposed to laugh now?

Hang on a second:

Ahhh, yeah...that makes sense.

Not only do I not want to be told when to laugh, apparently I'm completely oblivious to the cues. No wonder I get funny looks at funerals and murder trials.

The funeral-goers and victim's families were not amused.

Better? :D

Now I get it.
He said, getting it.

And then I laughed.

:lol:

And then the laughing smilie let us know, one and all, that it's OK to laugh. Laugh my children, laugh!

bwahahahahahahahaha *snort* ...wait, what was the joke again?

I'm not sure but it was funny

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH




A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:




'I went by your grandma's house today and






I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.








Man, she is one fine looking woman!'








The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.








His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says:






'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,






the best I ever had!'




The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad






but the biker still says nothing.




The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,




'I'll tell you something else, boy,


your grandma liked it!'



At this point the biker stands up,




takes the drunk by the shoulders




looks him square in the eyes and says....................





'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

You forgot the puchline: Grandpa looked chagrined and did so.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion

And that's when the wife shot him!

Punny! :)

My new favorite joke of all time. For now.

I am so laughing as I post this! :lol::lol2:



> HAVE YOU EVER
> BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
> CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
>
>
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
> THEN, THAT
>
> UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ASS,
>
> GREY-HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping.

One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep.

While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here."

The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!"

probably not it's first appearance in this thread but reduce, reuse, recycle, right?

A young girl is sitting in the hair salon with her mother, eating a twinkie while her mother get her hair cut. When her turn comes, the girl brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.
The hairdresser is snipping away and warns "You're going to get hair on your twinkie,"
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm going to get boobies, too."

hAHAHAHA!

Might be another oldie:

A woman is thinking of putting a loved one in a nursing home. She is taking a tour of one, when she noted a male patient being given a hand job by a nurse.

What is going on? she asks. The staff member explains that if that man doesn't ejaculate every 4 hours, he will die. Rare, but it happens.

So they head down another hallway. In another room, a male patient is being given a blow job by a nurse.

"What in the world?" she asks.

"I know, it's really rare, but we have two patients who will die if they don't ejaculate every 4 hours."

"Well, how come the first guy was getting a hand job and this one is getting a blow job?"

The staff member replied "This guy has better insurance."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.....












A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Just. Wow.:cool:

Apple Does it Again


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.....
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?








Sum Ting Wong