You might not think you do but your strength is apparent. Hope you get some good sleep soon, Clod.

My brother and sister-in-law. My ex was in a motorcycle accident the day before Christmas. I went and got him and brought him here until he healed up. I found one crutch here for him to use, my sister said she found the other one. My brother just called to say he wanted his crutches back. WTF? When I tried to engage in a conversation about it, I was bitched out about a dolly that he says I lost two years ago. I remember returning it, but I still offered to buy him another one anyway. In fact, I have REPEATEDLY tried to give him money for that fucking dolly, and he has repeatedly refused the money. So now he wants to throw THAT in my face?

When we went to their house for the holidays, my ex decorated the crutches with ribbon so they looked like candycanes. How in the hell could he have gotten them from my brother's garage when he decorated them at my mom's house before we went over there?

It pisses me off, because he won't even discuss it with me. Fucking asshole. I didn't even deny they were his either, I was trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about and how we could resolve the issue.

Sounds like you oughta just let Merc kick his ass one time to hone his attitude.

FCKING CHASE AUTO FUCKINGFUCKARGHWHYCAN'TYOUJUSTTAKEMYPAYMENTWHENISENDITIN...I HAVE AUTO PAYMENTS THROUGH YOU FUCKERS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHY CAN YOU NOT FIGURE OUT YOUR OWN DAMN SYSTEM...ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Try threatening them with a lawyer. Perhaps that will get someone's attention enough to straighten it out once and for all.

HA! Asshole had to call and apologize to me because they found his crutches. I know that hurt.

A buddy of mine had transplants a few years ago. He has diabetes.

A recent lab test looks like he may be rejecting the pancreas. They are upping his immuno suppressants to try to push back the rejection.

Prayers etc. welcome.

Consider it done, dar.

Sorry to hear that, dar. I hope the drugs work. :(

You might want to look into that. Most states have a max allowable interest rate in the mid to high 20's.

I was on the phone with them today. Offered them a settlement. She'll know in a couple of days if they accept it.

Sending positive energy dar's way, for his friend.

Yeah Dar... me too.

I went out last night with... well, the guy I'm going out with. And after the movie, I wanted a beer, so we went to a bar, and there at the bar was the guy I am not at all over.

Fuuuuuuck.

Today, I am kind of a mess.

How long will it take? I am tired of being an emotional cripple.

Hey Dar, here's love and strength for your friend.

Hey Tiki - maybe you're not meant to be with the one you're with if the one you're not with had that much effect on you jsut seeing him at a bar? Just sayin. Cuz I know. Been there. Am still there. Aargh.

I know this is going to sound extremely cold and callous, but it's not meant to. If you are tired of being an emotional cripple (I know you arent really, you're just heart sore) then.....stop. You are the final arbiter of your own mind.

I know what you're saying Dana - I'm just too emotionally lazy to get out of my current situation. As for Tiki, well I can't really say.....

Tiki's situation was complicated. It's not anymore... now it's just a process of recovering. Telling me to "just stop" is about as helpful as telling someone with a pulled muscle to just stop hurting, if they don't like it.

I am "just stopping"... by taking time and trying to be kind to myself, including starting to date again. I lost my husband and my love. It's only been six months... how fast does heartbreak heal for you?

Running into him on this date was just unexpected. Yeah, I'm not meant to be with the guy I was with, but he was a nice distraction. Dinner and a movie, and then a drink before bed. Like wearing something nice when you feel bad, going out when you're sad can be a way to ease the heartsore.

I'm not a permanent cripple, but I'm hurt enough that seeing him left me shaking. I want this part, the raw and tender part of getting over it, to be over. All I can do, the one thing that I have power over, is carry on with my life and give it time.

Normal people can't just shut it off, and I wouldn't like the person I am if I cared so shallowly that I could.

If this isn't the correct thread for venting what's got me upset, let me know and I'll make a new one.

The only thing that will fix your pain is time. Oh, and try not to go where this other person hangs out. That may help in the long run.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping to not see him around! But, it's a small city, and we both live in the same neighborhood. And then of course it turns out my date knew him... they worked together... adding awkward to awkward. Sometimes, this town, it feels like there's no getting away.

Time is time. I want it to happen sooner than later, but all I can really do is wait.

Ok. Well, by all means ignore the caveat that was meant to soften that advice. I do believe that to a large extent, we have much greater control over our emotional state than we usually recognise or use. I try to remind myself of that when i am struggling with something. It helps me.

But hey. Whatever.

Like we said in another thread: one foot in front of the other. Yeah, it hurts, but it will get better.

Dana, I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but seriously, glib armchair psychologist advice usually assumes that the person it's being given to is doing something "wrong". I have a therapist. A good one.

If you believe you have some profound insights into recovering from divorce or heartbreak, by all means, offer them up. However, "stop" is patently ridiculous, condescending, and ignorant. There is no way to soften that up with a disclaimer about not meaning to sound cold and callous. It just makes you sound sheltered. I'm sure you have your own experiences to draw from, but seriously... "stop"? Did you really think about that one?

People have to grieve the loss of important relationships. It's a normal part of the process. It's hard, and it sucks, but people don't get through the grieving process by walling off the hurt.

If, six months after the end of our relationship and two months after the end of our friendship, I run into him and it makes me feel an emotional wreck, but the rest of the time I am a fully functional mother, friend, businesswoman, and homeowner, I think I'm not doing half badly in my process of getting over it.

I still love him. If I could just "stop", what kind of monster would I be?

*sighs* Tiki, my choice of words was not in order to indicate ease, but to indicate a conscious act. Like I said, telling myself things like that helped me.

But hey, what do I know right?

[eta] incidentally, I don't recall ever saying you should suddenly stop caring.

Tiki...you post in a forum and you're going to get all kinds of replies and advice. Dana was only relating her experience. I think there will come a time where you can just "stop." It's obviously not yet, but you need to realize that it's going to be OK to do that. From your last sentence it seems that you find "stopping" to be a guilt-ridden idea, but someday you will stop because it's time to move on. Who knows when that will be for you? I think Dana was offering one idea; choose to do with it what you will but don't think for a second Dana was taking your situation lightly.

You might know a LOT. But yeah, what you said didn't really convey what you know, and it seemed to assume that I'm not doing what I need to do. Stop?

I am stopping. I stopped seeing him. I stopped calling him. I stopped having things around (other than his children) that remind me of him. And, if I keep it up, eventually I will stop loving him.

But RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I walked into a bar (my bar!) last night and he was sitting there with his eyes and his hands and his smile and all the things I have not yet stopped loving.

And that was a bit upsetting.

Shawnee, clearly I misunderstood the purpose of this thread. I thought it was for venting, not flippant advice. Dana didn't relate her experience, she said "If you are tired of being an emotional cripple then.....stop." I find that ridiculous, and said so.

I don't find any guilt in getting over lost love. It's simply not a light switch, to flip on and off at will, and honestly I wouldn't want it to be.

Oh I understand that Tiki. It's bound to be. I haven't followed the ins and outs of your story. From your post in here it sounded like you were at the end of a much longer journey and that you felt somehow buried under it a little more generally than that. It was your idea of yourself as an 'emotional cripple' that I was picking up on. That made it sound as if you felt at the mercy of something that had a greater control over your life and happiness than you.


[eta] It's not about flicking a light switch. It's about recognising the powerful tool you have at your disposal and turning it to your advantage. It's possible to be utterly heart broken and at the same time detached enough to recognise ways to ease the pain.

And the advice was not flippant. I stand by it as the best way to deal with grief. But then I would.

Nope, just one little ton-of-bricks moment. I haven't really related my whole story, since it's been going on for longer than I've been here. But, that again is kind of the problem with glib advice... if you don't really know what it's about, assuming you know what someone should do is a bit foolish. Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I wasn't expecting to vent in a thread that's for venting and then have someone tell me that if I don't like the fallout from my divorce and heartbreak, just stop. LOL! Sort of like telling someone who's getting foreclosed on to just pay their mortgage.

No hard feelings.

Then I'm confused as to why you'd think that makes you an emotional cripple. Or was that just self-deprecating humour?

... and you assume I am not doing that, why?

I don't LIKE the process I'm going through, but it seems from what you've said as if your approach would be "suck it up and don't talk about it." I believe in acknowledging my feelings, in order to move through them, even though sometimes they do feel overwhelming.

Perhaps you could talk more about how you got through your grieving process, to give me some context.

I have been through grief before. I have found that the most helpful thing for me is simply knowing that it will get better. Even if it never goes away completely, it will get to a point where it's not ever-present, and eventually it will be a small part of my life, something that gives me an occasional pang, rather than a broad ache.

Because, just as someone with a sprained ankle is crippled until it heals, so is someone with a broken heart. If I was not in the midst of this transition in my life, walking into a room and seeing an ex would not have taken the wind out of me.

I'm sorry Tiki. I got the wrong end of the stick when you said:

I thought you were tired of where you were at and were looking for a way to break through it. Having got tired of where I was at, I attempted to consciously take control of my state of mind. To lesser or greater extent depending on how much I was dealing with at any one time, it helped.

I'm not talking about this with you any more. I am clearly not communicating my point very well. It was something that helped me. But it's of no use if I can't communicate it to you.

No, I was just basically tired of still being in process, and complaining about how long it's taking.

Things are getting better. I'm not wracked with grief when I get up in the morning, or when I get into an empty bed at night. I don't cry all day anymore... some days I don't cry at all. I am enjoying time with my friends. I have a crush... a small one, but to me that shows I'm healing, that I have space in my heart to feel that way about someone new. I'm looking forward to things again.

I'm not in stasis, just complaining about the process. I have a long time of loving to get over.

The hardest thing, for me, is not to hope. His face lit up when he saw me. He knows I go to that bar, and he knows I have Monday and Tuesday nights free. I think about hope, and how hope holds me back. I know that if I indulge in it, I'm still hanging on to something that's over, and I can't do that. So, I open my hand and let that strand drop. One less thing connecting me to him.

That sounds painful.

Wow Tiki. I am so sorry you are hurting. Losing someone you still love is hard, the process is hard, it takes time. Sending good healing energy your way.

Not speaking for Dana, but from what she said, it seems to me she was talking about the concept that we create our own reality, and we have the ability to change that reality. That is not saying that you aren't doing everything in your power to do that, but maybe to realize that, in the moment, you can change your feelings, your desires, your intentions, your whatever. But you have to be aware of that in the moment. It is a principle of witchcraft and other spiritual traditions. My favorite definition of magic is that of Dion Fortune, the act of changing consciousness at will. There is a saying my old AA sponsor used to say to me all the time, change occurs in the moment of consciousness. If you have ever read the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman explains that concept quite well, over and over and over in different ways.

I know for me, it is very difficult to do that with regard to personal relationships. It's hard for me to understand how some people can just shake things off so easily, because I can't. It does help me though to remember that I actually DO have the ability to do that. It doesn't mean you don't still feel, or that you turn your feelings on and off like a faucet, it just means that you can direct the energy in a different, more positive way. I find it incredibly helpful, when I'm very depressed (which I have a serious problem with sometimes) to read books that empower me, like books about magic or the occult, or self-help, spiritual books. I don't know if you're already doing that, and it might not help you, it just helps me.

hmmm, I think it sounds powerful, and healing. Maybe painful as well, but still empowering.

Thanks sugar. That is pretty much what I was trying to say (minus the witchcraft:P).

I also have an intermittent problem with depression and your AA sponsor was so right: change occurs in the moment of consciousness. But not just change, also peace. Recognising what you can and cannot change and reaching a liveable compact with both.

Thanks, Sugarpop. I grew up in AA, the daughter of an alcoholic, and went to many meetings myself.

I don't really buy into consciously changing my feelings... I believe in feeling them fully, appreciating them for what they are, and then letting them go. They may still be there, but once I'm not hanging on to it, I'm free to move on to other emotions. It's gotten me through some incredibly difficult times. I won't go into detail but I faced some challenges, growing up. I've battled despair and anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-injury and other self-destructive urges, some exacerbated by OCD. Working through them as a young adult helped gain me some pretty functional skills for coping with loss and grief. In a way, mourning the loss of a major love relationship is not all that different from mourning the death of a loved one, except for the illusion of control.

I've been heartbroken before. I know I will be OK, it's just that I want to be OK right now, and last night was one of the less OK nights I've had in a while. :) For a moment, I would have given anything to NOT have been on a date, so I could go sit next to him and talk to him and smell his smell. But that's part and parcel of the illusion of control... it would feed the hope. Someday I'll be glad to see him, but it won't be because I am hoping he will love me back. It will just be pleasure in seeing an old friend.

But not yet.

And hopefully sometimes I can come here and vent.

Tiki, if you've never read The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, I highly suggest picking up a copy. He talks all about feeling things fully and then letting them go (let it flow and let it go :D). It's a great book, with tons of useful information, but it is told in the form of a story, and a really interesting story. It's not very long either. You can read it in a day or two. Dan Millman is the author. It's one of my favorite books, and it's great to refer back to it now and then.

Dana, I'm glad I got the gist of it. :)

Thanks, I may check it out. :)

This damn rain is making my life miserable especially at work. Hanging around inside the house all day or sitting around in the shop makes for a long, long day.

Positive: It makes the scotch taste better come 1700 hrs.

We are supposed to get a one day break from it on Saturday. Sure hope we have time to finish our horseshoe tourney.

twisting my ankle monday night, shoes had no soul,:yelsick:
now i have to explain it to my boss why i couldnt come in yeserday
better still, im out of sick hours and im still limping

The guy who runs the cafe near my office is my buddy; we always pick on each other as I get coffee.

He told me yesterday that leaving on Monday his artificial leg broke into two. I said "what'd you do?" He said he hopped to his car (not a short distance,) went to his "guy" and got it fixed.

He told his boss the next day "if anyone else had broken their leg in half they wouldn't be here...see what a good hire I was?"

He's a cool guy. :)

My washer is no longer spinning with gusto.

maybe a little rumba?

I am in a rut. Mentally, emotionally, physically, socially - you name it. I went from a high stress job to a similar job for less pay but ZERO stress, almost to the point of boredom. I have been dating the same guy for two years, and I know it's going nowhere - he wants to live together, and have me help raise his kids and share expenses and responsibilities, but I have no desire - I am recently divorced (about a year before I met him - is three years recent? I dunno) have my own beautiful daughter to raise, my own place that I love - why do I need all of that extra weight? I really do love the guy for who he is, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I really don't want to be his "partner." And he is not at my mental or social level (wow that sounsd conceited) so occasionally I find myself explaining jokes or language or points of reference, which is a big turn off. But I don't know how to break it off. I'm also supposed to be re-studying for my Series Seven which upon passing will increase my pay and status, but I already failed i tonce, and I don't deal well with failure, so I have totally postponed putting myself through the torture of mentally preparing for it again.
Thank you for letting me vent. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

I took that f*$#ing thing twice - :headshake: Beat me both times by 1 damn question. I think it was a message from above for me to get out of that business... so I did. Long time ago.

After 15 years I am deathly afraid of a career change that will afford me the life I live. Unless it was into "escorting" or "exotic performance" but unfortunately my modesty is still somewhat in tact.

I've found that most people failing the 7 do so not because they don't know the answers but because the test has been built up in to such an incredible bogeyman in their mind.

You've spent time in the industry so you probably know most of the stuff already. Options generally kick people in the teeth because it is really complex and makes up more than 20% of the score. QotR, what study materials are you using?

FWIW - That was over 20 years ago for me LO123. I breezed through every other exam. That one I missed by one question both times.

I figured classic. So what did they test you on back then? I didn't even know there were equities that long ago. ;) I was really responding to QotR more.

lol - thanks ya cock.

I want to go back to school but I'm not totally sure how I'm gonna swing it financially.

Actually, by "not totally sure" I really mean "I don't have the slightest idea".

Is there anyone you can talk to for advice on funding options and so on Tiki?

Chat is empty, very upsetting to me.

Queen, drop him, you're gonna end up hurting him the longer you take to do so. You know the relationship is a dead end, he doesn't. That being said, I do understand it is hard, because you don't want to be alone, and you tell yourself you're saving him hurt by staying. Not true.
Good luck on your test. Do you have mentor or friend of similar profession that could help you with your studying?

Tiki, there is a way. What type of school are you going back for? Do you have school picked out? First step is to fill out your FAFSA, second step is to talk to your financial and school counselors.
http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

Oh my god... I just re-read this and realized how much I feel the same way about the guy I just started dating. :( Only, he has no kids of his own and wants them, bad. I can't do that for him... well, not can't, but won't. And he's bright, but not bright enough. Plus, I'm still in emotional hamburger territory from my divorce, etc etc.

He knows all this but I can tell he's still hopeful, and I should just break it off now. It's only been four dates, it won't hurt him so much.

Dana, MTP, I actually was going to go down to the American Indian Center at PSU on Monday to talk to someone... as an older, returning, single parent, minority student, I am hoping that I can get funding that will help me pay my living expenses, which are considerable because I'm raising three kids and have a mortgage. Being self-employed, I can work part-time, any hours that don't conflict with my kids' schedules... but the nature of my business is that if I drop below a certain level of productivity, I'll sell a smaller percentage of what I do make, because designers need to feel confident about being able to come to me for the majority of their needs week after week. If I work full-time I can sell about 80% of what I make, but if I drop to half-time I'll only sell about 50% of what I make because I'll lose my steady big-purchase clients.

Oh lord, Tiki. You need to bring that to a close if you're sure you feel that way. Especially if he wants something you can't/won't give him.

Yeah. I just wanted to date for fun/getting out/confidence boosting/returning to the world of normalcy, and he seemed to be on the same wavelength at first, but the subtext I'm picking up from him (and maybe I'm doing a lot of assuming, here) is that he wants to settle down, he wants kids, and he really likes me A LOT more than I like him.

But let me put it like this: he's hot, but he spits in the street. I can't deal.

The other guy I was dating, the first one I tried on after the whole divorce/breakup mess, ended up just being a really great friend... maybe I should just hit him up to take me out and tell me I'm pretty a couple times a week, and put a hold on actual dating for another six months or so. :lol: