...
friend. You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining an adult. Well, what you're watching from your distance is an adult in the making. Too soon to find out if this particular round of life lessons will have a lasting positive effect, sometimes a makeup exam is in order, sometimes more than one. But this is an experience lesson, not a tell lesson, not a show lesson. You have done your best, you must know that. You have more work to do, and it will be hard. Hard to watch your kids suffer the slings and arrows etc, etc. But that's what sticks, that's what leaves a mark to remind them...well, that didn't work out so well last time, I think I'll xyz instead.
on top of which, you can't change it for the better at this late date anyhow. I suffer along with you though, as all your friends who also parents suffer. Pass the wine, willya?
eta: A couple thoughts I've posted before. first, you've done your best, now you get to watch your work take effect:
Quote:
OC:
I have been bowling a number of times in my life. Have you ever been bowling? You go to a special place where the supplies and the equipment and the professionals are all gathered together to do it. You usually go with other people. You pay your money and then walk past racks and racks of mostly similar round-y things with holes in them, and for the rookies, picking out "the one" can be troublesome.
Eventually, you pick a ball that you like, it fits your hand, you can carry it easily, maybe you like how it looks, whatever. Finally, it's your turn to bowl. You approach the ball rack, you prepare your hand over that little blower, you carefully pick up your ball and find your best starting position. You cradle the ball near your chest and imagine the approach, the extension, the backswing, the whole roll. You're in control of that ball. The ball can do nothing without you, and you have a plan. You start your move and things begin to happen faster and more variables come into play. Is the floor slippery? Will I stop before the foul line? Can I hang on to the ball at the end of my backswing? Should I go before the guy in the other lane or is he waiting for me? Don't forget to aim for the pocket behind the 1-pin. Be smoooooth. Criminee! RELEASE!
Now the ball is rocketing toward the pins, it's out of your hands. But think about what almost always happens on the way down the lane. The contortions and gyrations of "body english" make NO difference to the ball or the pins, yet we're helpless to resist the urge to twist and lean and talk--to the ball!! But the ball is gone.
KEEEERRRAAASSH!!!
**freeze**
OC, you sound like a loving, diligent, articulate, involved, caring parent. You will certainly suffer for it, too. I can't imagine anything to add to what you've described that *might* improve the situation, including walking away from justifiable homicide (j/k good for you, and him).
When you have an exclusive choice to be the parent OR the friend, choose parent, like you did.
**thaw**
Was it a strike? A spare? A gutterball? A foul? Regardless, your body english only made you feel better, but didn't change the course of the ball.
Our children are like that too. We first get them helpless and bald, and have the most perfect plans for them. Strike! We carefully approach and swing and release--and the rest is up to them. Thankfully, the analogy breaks down a little here. You've certainly done your part to affect your son's trajectory and now it's largely up to him. I know what I'm talking about I have an 18 year old stepson at home right now myself. It's out of my hands. But your son, and mine, can still hear our voices. Continue to be reasonable (no one on one, that's not out of line) and more importantly, consistent.
But the kicker is this: find a way, some way, to learn HIS ideas and include them in the dialogue. This is imperative. I'm afraid I don't have any special clues or dumb analogies to illustrate this, but it is really important. With it, you can hope that your input can have an effect. Without it, it's all just body english.
|
second, about the three kinds of lessons:
Quote:
As a parent, some lessons I *tell* to my son. Some lessons I *show* him. Some lessons I leave for him to discover on his own. Of the three, the third one is the most potent teaching method. It's not always appropriate. "Don't play in the street" is a tell lesson--the stakes are too high to permit an error. How to ride a skateboard is a show lesson--at least at the beginning--he's way better than me now. How to get along with his peers is mostly a (series of) self discovery lessons.
The three methods are not mutually exclusive, of course. And parental temperament plays a big factor in this kind of social dynamic. I prefer the self discovery angle, but not exclusively. Others here have posted their preference for a much more authoritarian stance, mercy and Radar are a couple of examples that come to mind.
I see the parents taking this third track. They may also be doing (or have done) the others too. Where's the harm? What are the stakes, the cost of failure? Pretty low in my estimate. That's a good candidate for learning on their own.
|
|
