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Cast of characters:
Computer: xoxoxoBruce Monitor: UnderToad Mouse: Wolf Keyboard: LumberJim Printer: ? ? ? (No evil intended) Quote:
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I'll be the person banging on the keyboard .... wouldn't be the first time. :p:
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My favorite was the eyeball flopping around on the optic nerve.
Gravdigr, that was excellent. I've always said I'd rather troubleshoot/fix 20 computers than one printer. |
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Yes, Im a computer programmer... And proud of it! ;) |
I have no issues with programmers. :headshake
Just the printer that works only when it feels like it. Pretty much as described above. |
I do have issue with printers too...
Or may be with the guys who devellop the printer drivers... Why can't they come up with printers that have the same margins (top, left, right, bottom)? Nearly every time I create a report, the costumer is unhappy because it doesn't print right. |
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It seems obvious that more time is spent on things like checking how much ink is left in the printer and giving you a handy menu so you can click whether you need to print a photo, or a powerpoint presentation, or an email, etc. than is spent making sure you can actually send stuff out to the printer. It's almost enough to make me nostalgic for the bad old days of the Epson ESC codes. At least you could tell exactly how things were fucked up. |
Talk about nostalgia...
MS Word 5.0 back in the early days was about 100k and just about as good as the current version. No bells-n-whistles, but a easy-to-use word processor. But then, things were always better back in the dark recesses of my mind. |
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Awe Shel. I never knew you cared.
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I had trouble with my printer for months. Eventually, when I replaced the USB cable, all the troubles were gone :) Quote:
Oh, and I'm a programmer too. :p: |
Since MS Word replaced the WYSIWYG interface to create headers with an "easier" and "better" menu of canned options, it now takes me about half an hour to figure out how to create a headers as extravagant as the title centered at the top of the page and the page number right justified. Once they start making it "easier" it becomes impossible.
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Let me state for the record, a bunch of poor Chilean miners being trapped underground for 2-4 months while they wait for rescue is not funny.
However, this MSNBC article about said miners has been absolutely cracking me up this evening. Scroll down to the bottom (you may have to click "show more text" to see the whole article first) and find the section where they display all the miners' photos, including little personal blurbs about each one underneath. I don't know who wrote these things, but some of them are very, very weird: Quote:
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That's what they were trying to warn everyone about, that one miner "likes parties"...
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"Doesn't much matter to me what you wear, just gonna be the two of us..."
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There is me, and you're all outsiders.
minus the ones that live in my head of course. |
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A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke." So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it." |
A plane crashed in the middle of rural Wisconsin . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there,
the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?". "Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies." |
A couple living in a small Appalachian village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night. After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?" The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?" "No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?" "Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her very hairy muff. After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before. "I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!" |
One afternoon in a beginners sky diving class, the students sat attentively as the instructor lectured. During class he would take time to answer any of the student's stupid "First Timer Questions". One guy asked:
"If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long dowe have 'til we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." |
GM357, that "the rest of your life" bit reminded me of this.
"...all the way to the scene of the crash." Ah, Ron White slays me. |
"I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half an hour."
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you're a lawyer?!?!?!?! Since when?
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You know the difference between erotic and kinky, don't you?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken! |
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true....
but not exclusively so. there's a lot you can do with a cock that doesn't require a hole. But that's another thread entirely. |
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..." The End |
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" |
When the construction crew moved to their next jobsite there was a little boy who would come by and watch them working. One day he came home and asked his mom for a length of string. She handed him a length of string and he said "Help me snap a line."
"OK" she replied thinking it was cute that he was playing carpenter. The little boy pulled the string taught and eyeballed the line. "OK, mom mover it to the right just a cunt hair." Shocked, his mother let go of the string, stood up and said, "I most certainly will not do any such thing! Now you pick up that string and take it right to your room." Dropping the string, the boy looked at her saying, "Fuck if I will, that's a laborer's job" |
A perfect jobsite picture
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self-portrait
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The Adventures of God
by Lev Novak on April 09, 2010 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803435 I God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous. Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet. God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood. (pause) Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness? God: No. I’m thinking “flood”. Noah: So you’d rather just kill every- God: What part of “flood” do you not understand? II God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt. Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right? God: Yes. Moses: Awesome. God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues. Moses: …ten? God: Is there a problem? Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max? God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me. Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery. God: Yes. Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people. God: Yes. Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture? God: ... Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to? III Mary: Did you send the child support? God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah. Mary Annnnnd? God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold. Mary: That’s better. IV Job: … God: Well, this is awkward. V God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself. Abraham: As you wish, my lord. God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it. |
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^I know, lame comment, but I did laugh |
Two hikers were in the woods when a distant grizzly bear spotted them and began to charge. one of the hikers frantically began to remove his boots and change into sneakers. His partner said "What are you doing? You'll never be able to out run that bear."
The hiker looked at his friend and said, "I don't have to out run the bear, I only have to out run you." |
If it is all about humor that people want, why not try saying something onhow Mayweather gave racist comments about a boxer he cannot pug. He said he was just having fun. Any comments on this?
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Welcome to the Cellar, henzbelmont.
You forgot to include the punchline... or you're in the wrong thread. |
A neutron walks in to a bar and orders a drink.
"How much?" he asks. The bartender says "For you, no charge." |
An atom said to his friend, "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" his friend asked. "I'm positive." |
My friend told me I didn't understand irony. Which was ironic, because we were waiting in line at the movies.
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now that is ironic
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And this:
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch ! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.' |
might be a repeat but here goes:
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE. "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!" |
Q: What's the definition of a will?
A: It's a dead giveaway. |
Mass Media Theory vs Reality
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The creator forgot social networking sites.
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excellent!
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just found this, made me laugh. Probably staged, but who cares....
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00. I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for 4 hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate". I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have." |
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An irreverent poke in the eye. I thought it was funny in a tongue and cheek kind of way.
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Mother of all Jihadist Jokes
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
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