My brain still doesn't work, post-chemo. I have to use all sorts of coping mechanisms to remember everything I have to do/take with me in the morning/do before or after work. It terrifies me. I don't know what type of work to go for next year, or even if I'll be able to work.

And my older sister calls to moan about how badly off our parents are. I know, I know. I'm visiting my father at the end of this month and my mother, I don't know when. None of my sibs ever bother. Older sis recently made the effort for the first time in ten years, so now she's all in a tiz. I've seen both of the 'rents far, far more. But her moaning is upsetting.

I will be up at 3 am for the next two or three days, to get my academic work done. These days, a little voice in the back of my mind asks, why? I'll probably have mets show up on my July scan. Then I'll wonder why I did all of this.

No you wont and no you wont. Everything is going to be fine. After everything you've been through, I think it's ok to expect a little slipping in the mind for a while (mind you, I don't really think there's anything wrong with your brain considering the marks you've been getting), so stop stressing about stuff and just give yourself a break. Get on with things and stop worrying about what might be. xxx

Thanks Ali, I try to calm down and do Zen breathing every time I can. But when I forget all of my books, my case files, and my meds in smalltown and have to scramble to get meds etc. for the week - and have to make lists upon lists and then still forget things, and am too exhausted by 7 pm to do the required 4 hours of academic work, but still can't sleep ... I get to the point where I don't feel like I'll ever be normal again. I spent almost two hours tonight trying to book flights to see my father and didn't, because there were so many variables and I don't trust young pilots in small planes (how ironic, I'm the one who shouldn't care), and I ended up deciding to drive. Although based on my last long trip that may not be a great idea. But at least, if a fatal accident occurs, I'll be in control. And no, I won't kill anyone else.

I keep pulling academic stuff off and it reassures me but something deeper is wrong. However ... it'll make itself unquestionably felt when it's ready. It may be that, before that time comes, i'll have other things to worry about.

I don't mean to come off as a drama queen. I just have a deep, gnawing feeling that something is far wrong.

From my perspective, you're life has been totally fucked up for a couple of years and you've proved to be smart and resilient. I wonder, since you are much more knowledgeable than the average bear about cancer/chemo, if you're subconsciously being nagged by what could have been, rather than what was/is? Like your head was ready for the worst case scenario, and still not convinced it won't happen. Does that make any sense?

It does make sense, Bruce. I'm very relieved that it wasn't the worst case scenario, definitely. The trouble with breast cancer is that it's more a chronic disease than anything else. You don't get pronounced 'cured' at five years, you're in remission but you're never cured. Your risk of recurrence goes down at that point but recurrences or mets still happen as long as twenty, twenty-six years later. The sooner a recurrence occurs, the worse the outlook, so counting off the first five years does lead to a big sigh of relief. But it tends to come back at some point.

I'm not worried about that right now, though. My post-chemo head-to-toe scan is in July, and I'd be extremely surprised if something showed up. I totally expect to be NED (no evidence of disease). It's this chemo brain that's getting me down. I worry that it won't go away, worry about how it'll affect my work and life. But worry never solved anything, so I have to practice more Zen breathing.

I'm upset by my computer, it is down it keeps shuting off after about 30 seconds. I am pissed at Apple this thing cost $2,000.00, 3 years ago since it has gotten a new cooling fan $125.00, hard drive $500.00, and now it has a software problem, I hope. If it costs more than $200.00 we will get a new PC. I don't have the money for a new computer. I am at the Library using a 'puter. "BALLS."

I switched off apple and onto PCs in 2006. Still have the same PC, no repairs except replaced one DVD burner. Still a pretty decent machine, speedwise. I think I paid about $1300 with a monitor and a pair of decent speakers.

Hm, I've had great luck with apples. We even have an old rounded Mac, the kind that came out in colors, from - I don't know, 1996? It still works and runs the kids' educational software I bought then (that was some of the best stuff ever -Treasure Mountain, Treasure Cove, Super Solvers, Dorling-Kindersley programs, Operation Neptune, GeoSafari, Carmen Sandiego).

I digress. We also have 2 mammoth PC laptops and a tower or two that just won't die. There's always a use for them.

I'm in the Travelodge at Hounslow (London) having spent a fairly fruitless day at the archives. I've basically spent half of what I had left to do this trip (2 days) and it may just be a total fucking waste.

I came down yesterday evening, with plans to get out really early and get to the archives before they opened....

I got up in time, had a good breakfast and was out the hotel by 8:45. Not quite early enough to beat the 9am opening, but plenty time to get there for 10...not bad.

Got halfway to fucking Kew and realised I'd left my sodding camera at the hotel. Had to go all the way back and get it. Didn't get to the archives until nearly midday...realised my card expired a couple of months back and had to reregister (another 20 mins). By the time I'd booked my table, searched for and ordered some records it was gone 1pm. Then a 45 minute wait until the first records were delivered to me.

They've changed the catalogue search system. It's shit. Much harder to navigate imo. And what I thought would be a straightforward search for a set of courts martial records turned into bollocks: rather than a volume of transcribed trials (easily photographed and showing complete records) like the ones I had for the 1790s, the ones for 1813-1825 are just boxes of individual trial papers...small, difficult to manouevre for photographing, half of them are damaged beyond reading, and the ones that aren't are barely relevant to my work. - still photographed them though in case I can make sense of them when I can zoom in.

Left the archives just before they closed, having pre-ordered some docs for tomorrow. Given up on the general courts martial, gonna try and find some regimental courts martial in the individual regimental returns.

Of course tomorrow it's normal opening hours (shuts at 5) instead of the long opening day that I managed to waste. (closed at 7)

So...was feeling glum. It's all piled up on me a bit. Money has more or less run out and I currently have zero income. Gonna put in a claim this week (now that uni is officially over - though I will still be working on my PhD as a 'write up year'

Rent is overdue, dog needs vet stuff, etc etc. Claiming for housing benefit means getting in touch with the landlord which means them coming round, which means I have to try and rescue the shitpile that used to be their house. Which reminds me: Thanks for chewing the fuck out of everything Carrot, that really makes life easy.

And then....on the way home from the Archive one of the veneers on my front teeth split and half of it came away. Front and centre, looking good huh?

Which means a fuckoff big dentists bill to deal with it.

How I managed to hold back the tears on the subway I don;t know. I really felt like I was going. I just wanted to sit down and sob and not care what anybody thought.

I dunno. I think I may be due ya know? Like, expecting a visit from the stomach cramps fairy. This stuff doesn't usually make me cry.


Anways. Got back to the hotel, dumped the laptop and camera etc and went off looking for a late chemist. Yey for ASDA! Bought an emergency dental repair kit and glued the fucker back in. Yeah, well. We'll see if it stays. Am half expecting to wake up with it gone and swallowed. Which would be a pain.

There. That's my rant done. Thanks for listening dwellarpeeps. I feel a bit better for offloading :P



[eta] oh yeah, forgot to mention my broadband at home is off. Th phone went down completely for a few days then they fixed that but now the broadband doesn't work.

Oh bum!

That is one bad day. Sorry Dana, what a crapload to fall on you all at once. Offload as much of it as you want. I hope tomorrow improves.

Oh Dana. Oh hon, that's the shits.

Glad you twigged on to gluing the fucker back in yourself. That's all the dentist does anyway.

Sucky day, Dana. Sorry to hear. :(

Thanks all. :) I've woken up feelin a lot brighter this morning. I think possibly because I'll be heading home after the archives this evening.

Back to my Carrotchops and my beloved Pennine hills. Hurrah;)

Update: I'll preface this by saying I had a much better day at the archives today, found loads of stuff (had to cherry pick 'cause of time and really wish I'd stumbled on that vein yesterday! But got enough that the trip was worthwhile) and got myself to kings cross station 1 1/2 hours before train was due to leave...

Bloody good job I did! My lovely, straight through, no changes train to Halifax was cancelled. Had to get an earlier train to leeds... which itself had to stop en route for a while and ended up 45 mins late.
Original train would have got me to Halifax for 10:30 where mum would pick me up (with carrot!). It's now 10:46 and I'm on a train from leeds to Halifax ... Due to arrive at 11:15 where I shall get a taxi (no carrot) having suggested to Ma that she and the dogs shut up shop and go to bed (there was a high chance we'd miss this connection and I'd have been getting back at nearly midnight at that point).

How's that for an end to this trip? Lol