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classicman 03-05-2009 11:11 PM
no, instantly. Dead men don't steal anymore

ZenGum 03-05-2009 11:30 PM
They stole the bullet.

classicman 03-08-2009 08:19 PM
Man jumps off taxiing airliner from Charlotte

Quote:
A 26-year-old passenger on board an American Airlines jet from Charlotte to Dallas opened a door and slid down an inflatable emergency chute Tuesday as the aircraft waited to taxi to its gate at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The man, who had not been identified Tuesday night, reportedly ran into the first class section of American Airlines Flight 1343 and opened the exit door, according to an airport advisory. The plane, an MD-80, had just arrived from Charlotte/Douglas International Airport about 1 p.m. and was parked on a ramp when the incident happened.

After opening the door, the man deployed the inflatable slide and slid down to the Aircraft Operations Area, where he was held by American fleet service clerks until airport public safety officers took him into custody.

“I wasn't really paying attention until there was a scuffle upfront,” Grundy said. “The pilot called for passengers to come and help. Several guys moved to the front, but then someone said, ‘Well, he's jumped out.' You could see him running on the tarmac.”

Crimson Ghost 03-08-2009 10:09 PM
The Aristocrats!

TheMercenary 03-09-2009 08:15 AM
Party poopers! (zombie marches?)

S.F. may crack down on 'flash mob' antics

Quote:
It's not political, ideological or cultural, but San Francisco officials say they are seriously considering cracking down on one of the city's most popular events in the growing "flash mob" phenomenon.

This year's Valentine's Day pillow fight was, quite simply, a mess. Officials, only slightly amused, say the episode left the city holding the bag - or empty pillow case - with thousands of dollars in damage and cleanup costs due to mounds of wet, sticky feathers.

The promoters of the counterculture event, now in its fourth year, must take responsibility for future happenings or "otherwise we are going to have to find a way to shut it down," said Lisa Seitz Gruwell of the Recreation and Park Department.

San Francisco's pillow fight is part of an international fad, partly anarchistic, partly absurdist, in which a mob of participants suddenly materializes at a public place, engages in odd behavior and then disperses.

The events range from zombie marches to dances and pie fights, including a shaving-cream-on-paper-plate pie fight staged late Thursday afternoon at the cable car turnaround at Powell and Market streets.

They are organized via telephone text messages, Web sites like Laughingsquid.com and eatbrains.com, and just old-fashioned word-of-mouth. They often have no identified leaders or sponsors.

A Web advertisement for this year's pillow fight at Justin Herman Plaza said in part, "Rules: Tell Everyone you know. ... Arrive with pillow hidden in bag. ... Practice responsible fun and help clean up. ..."

It was the city's biggest and longest flash mob pillow fight yet: It drew an estimated 1,500 to 3,000 people and went on from about 6 p.m. until past midnight, according to officials.

As the crowd pounded each other with pillows, the cases split, releasing large volumes of feathers that the wind quickly spread.

And it was wet. Intermittent rain plastered the feathers to everything they touched, forming a gray, feathery sludge that lined the lawn, the gutter, cars and buildings.

The soggy stuff clogged drains in nearby Four Embarcadero Center, flooding the Osha Thai Restaurant, said Norm Dito, a manager with Boston Properties, which owns the center. He estimated his firm's cleanup costs at more than $10,000.

Feathers also filled the Vaillancourt Fountain and threatened to jam and burn out its pumps. Workers had to drain the cubist fountain's 12,000 gallons of water - it had only recently been filled - clean it out and refill it, said Dito.

The city had to dispatch two engineers to check the fountain along with a five-person crew that filled three pick-up trucks with feathers, all at a cost of more than $2,213, said Dennis Kern, director of operations for the Recreation and Park Department.

"It was quite a mess, much more than we have experienced in previous years," said Mohammed Nuru, deputy director of the Department of Public Works. "Everywhere was feathers."

DPW assigned three extra cleanup shifts - a total of 69 employees and an extra street sweeper truck - costing about $19,000, Nuru said.

"It was really hard raking through the grass trying to get all those little feathers up," he said.

Kern said officials want the organizers of such events to follow standard procedure: apply for a permit, pay a use fee (at least $1,750 for the plaza) and supply security, portable toilets and cleanup crews.

But he acknowledged that such conformance would be contrary to the flash mob's decidedly decentralized, anti-bureaucratic principles. Kern said Rec and Park does not even know how to contact the pillow fight's anonymous organizers.

A series of e-mail and phone inquiries from The Chronicle seeking comment from pillow fight organizers went unanswered.

However, one of the pie fight organizers, who gave his name as Herbie Hatman, seemed unfazed by the concern. Wearing a bowler hat and tuxedo and covered in shaving cream at Thursday's event, he shrugged at the suggested rules.

"That seems like a natural response from the city," he said.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...9H59.DTL&tsp=1

Sheldonrs 03-11-2009 01:56 PM
Maybe he was a Pisces
 
Philadelphia pet store gets human corpse
Mar. 10, 2009 04:52 PM
Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA - Employees of a Philadelphia pet store expecting to get a shipment of tropical fish and salt water by air cargo ended up getting a human body instead.

Mark Arabia owns the Pets Plus store in Northeast Philadelphia where the mix-up was discovered Tuesday. He says he eventually learned that the body he got was that of a 65-year-old San Diego-area man who died of early onset Alzheimer's Disease. The body was supposed to go to a laboratory in Allentown so samples could be taken for medical research.

US Airways released a statement saying the problem was caused by a "verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative." The airline says it's deeply sorry.

Arabia says he believes the fish died as a result.

Trilby 03-11-2009 01:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheldonrs (Post 544104)
Arabia says he believes the fish died as a result.
Oh sure. Blame the victim.

Shawnee123 03-11-2009 05:46 PM
Quote:
US Airways released a statement saying the problem was caused by a "verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative." The airline says it's deeply sorry.
All the way home I tried to think of what the miscommunication could have possibly been? Did the delivery driver say "Uh,yeah, I'm here to pick up a shipment of "gold molly" and the cargo rep thinks he says "old body?"

Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. There is a great joke in here somewhere!

lumberjim 03-12-2009 11:20 AM
This is kind of like the zombie street signs.


I like this part. better than the shitty response our pranksters got
Quote:
Dave Skepper, commercial director of Stagecoach, said: "Strictly speaking it is vandalism," he said. "But we have a sense of humour at Stagecoach and as long as it's not obscuring bus information we're not too bothered.

Pie 03-12-2009 11:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shawnee123 (Post 544156)
All the way home I tried to think of what the miscommunication could have possibly been? Did the delivery driver say "Uh,yeah, I'm here to pick up a shipment of "gold molly" and the cargo rep thinks he says "old body?"

Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. There is a great joke in here somewhere!
"The one on the left?"
"No, my left!"

Clodfobble 03-12-2009 02:49 PM
"This is the one we eat on Fridays, right?"
"Uh, I guess so..."

classicman 03-13-2009 03:53 PM
Quote:
The Times of India reported that Mehul Kumar had fallen on the rod while playing on his grandparents' under-construction roof terrace in Ranchi, the capital city of Jharkhand state.

The rod pierced through Kumar's body and he then fell to the ground, the newspaper reported.
http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/WO...od/art.rod.jpg
Quote:
He was rushed to a nearby hospital and then taken to the Rajendra Institute of Medical Sciences in Bariatu, six kilometers away.

Dr Sandeep Agarwal, the leader of the five-strong team of doctors who spent five hours operation on Kumar, told the Times the boy was out of danger.

"We first removed the rod following which an operation was done to repair the vital organs that had been injured,'' he said.

ZenGum 03-13-2009 10:56 PM
Idiots. He'll never cook properly with the skewer through him sideways.

Pie 03-13-2009 11:01 PM
Booking a window seat for that trip to hell, eh Zen? :angel:

ZenGum 03-13-2009 11:03 PM
Since I'm going anyway, might as well go fist class :devil:

classicman 03-14-2009 12:01 AM
save me a seat - will ya bud?

BrianR 03-14-2009 04:01 AM
Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter

By MATTHEW STABLEY


A southern Maryland woman was hospitalized after her partner attached a sex toy to a power tool.


LEXINGTON PARK, Md. -- Some sexual experimentation landed a southern Maryland woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget.

Maryland State Police airlifted the 27-year-old woman to Prince George's County Hospital Center early Sunday morning after she was injured in an incident involving a sex toy attached to a saber saw blade, TheBayNet.com first reported.

The man who called 911 about the incident admitted attaching the sex toy to the saw and then using the high-powered, homemade device on his partner, according to the St. Mary's County Sheriff's Office.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.


just... ouch!

Trilby 03-14-2009 05:50 AM
Hmmm...attaching a sex toy to a saber saw blade - brilliant!

sugarpop 03-14-2009 07:02 AM
:eek:

(Have any of you seen the new Cohen Bros movie Burn After Reading? George Clooney builds a giant sex toy...err, sex chair... :D It's hysterical.)

Just goes to show those jackass people (who I like to call Darwin's next victim) really shouldn't play with power tools. Like, that is seriously messed up. Probably got ideas from one of those websites where people make giant dildo machines.

classicman 03-14-2009 11:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brianna (Post 545079)
Hmmm...attaching a sex toy to a saber saw blade - brilliant!
Well they are from Maryland. :rolleyes:

Undertoad 03-14-2009 04:51 PM
fuckingmachines.com NSFW

Crimson Ghost 03-14-2009 05:40 PM
Using a saber saw as a sex toy?

That'll void the warranty.

Pie 03-14-2009 07:29 PM
The girlfriend came with a warranty??

Pie 03-14-2009 07:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by classicman (Post 545127)
Well they are from Maryland. :rolleyes:
Hey!

classicman 03-14-2009 10:19 PM
lol :)

Crimson Ghost 03-14-2009 10:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pie (Post 545278)
The girlfriend came with a warranty??
They never do, Pie, they never do.

TheMercenary 03-17-2009 05:18 AM
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when
two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she
tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - and shot off
their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down, and,
when she found them, she took revenge on them in her
own special way, said Melbourne police investigator
Evan Delp.
Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the
gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as
could be: 'Those
bastards will never rape anybody
again, by God.'
Cops say convicted r apist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost
both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened
fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and
former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were
holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom
come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
police said. 'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood,
'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way
he used to,'
Detective Delp told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad
shape, 'but I think they're just happy to be alive after what
they've been through.'
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her
granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad
daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town
bordering on skid row.
'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the
hospital, 'I decided I was going to go out and get those
bastards myself ''cause I figured the Law would go easy
on them,' recalled the retired library worker..
'And I wasn't scared of the m, either - because I've got
me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. 'And I wasn' t
dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about
owning one.'
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days
prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took
place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their
flophouse hotel.
'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture
of 'em anyway 'and took it back to Debbie and she said sure
as hell, it was them,' the oldster recalled..

'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked
on the door, 'and the minute the big one opened the door, I
shot 'em right square between the legs,'right where it would
really hurt 'em most, you know.
'Then I went in and shot the other one 'as he backed up pleading
to me to spare him.'Then I went down to the police station and
turned myself in.'
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to
deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong,
and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an
81-year-old woman in prison,' Det. Delp said, 'especially
when 3 million
people in the city want to nominate her
for Mayor.'

dar512 03-17-2009 09:11 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMercenary (Post 545993)
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to
deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong,
and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an
81-year-old woman in prison,' Det. Delp said, 'especially
when 3 million
people in the city want to nominate her
for Mayor.'
I'd vote for her. Talk about taking direct action.

Plus I like the fact that she checked her work and didn't go off half-cocked.

Flint 03-17-2009 09:16 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by dar512 (Post 546030)
half-cocked
. . . :::snicker:::

dar512 03-17-2009 09:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flint (Post 546032)
. . . :::snicker:::
Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Crimson Ghost 03-17-2009 09:36 PM
'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, 'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,'

If he finds someone who plays the flute, he can learn how to finger it so he doesn't piss all over himself.









Again.

sweetwater 03-18-2009 06:57 AM
Those guys should go on a circuit - willingly or otherwise - to speak against rape. I think it could be effective, comparable to the Marlboro Man's (the one with jaw cancer) anti-cigarette campaign.

sweetwater 03-18-2009 07:14 AM
Bat tries to hitch a ride to the moon. And apparently there was a "rodent" doing the same thing at the same time.:rolleyes: I know it almost certainly died, but I prefer to think the little wannabe astrobat made it and is winging around in near-zero gravity right now.

glatt 03-18-2009 08:02 AM
"The rodent was last seen clinging on the foam of the external tank of the space shuttle"

and then

"The crew of the Discovery safely docked at the International Space Station on Tuesday. It was unclear whether its stowaway was still clinging to the shuttle."

Stupid tv reporter. How can you get a job reporting technology news about NASA if you don't understand the the external tank is jettisoned during launch? It's pretty basic knowledge.

Clodfobble 03-18-2009 08:59 AM
Maybe they meant it was unclear whether its carcass was still fused to the tank that was now floating in the ocean somewhere...

glatt 03-18-2009 09:08 AM
It's unclear.

classicman 03-18-2009 12:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by glatt (Post 546477)
It's unclear.
I think thats because of the salt content in the ocean.

Flint 03-18-2009 12:35 PM
fixed
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by glatt (Post 546477)
It's nuclear.
. . . the s is silent

Sheldonrs 03-18-2009 01:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenGum (Post 545029)
Since I'm going anyway, might as well go fist class :devil:
Doesn't matter what class you fly. You still end up at a pet shop in a box. lol!!!

glatt 03-23-2009 12:06 PM
1 Attachment(s)
Flammable Water Found In Ft. Lupton Home

Quote:
A Fort Lupton, Colorado couple says they have so much natural gas in their water they can light it on fire.

On Friday Jesse and Amee Ellsworth met with energy companies to try and solve the problem.

The Ellsworths say the gas has been leaking into their water well from a nearby gas well for the last six months. They say the gas companies are working on a well water treatment system, possibly for the entire community, but that any solution will take time.

Aimee Ellsworth says their only clue that something was wrong was the pressure of the water.

"It crashed, made noises. I thought this isn't normal."

She says tests found explosive levels of the gas in her basement, bathroom and by her water well.

"I'm jittery all the time" says Ellsworth.

Her home is located in a rural area within a half mile of eight natural gas wells.

The Colorado Oil and Gas Commission leaders say it's tried to find the origin of the leak. Director Dale Neslin says "We've looked at well compilation reports, taken gas samples to look for a match, done pressure testing and we've not been able to find the well that appears to be causing the problem."

The Ellsworths say they approached Noble Energy and Anadarko Petroleum - the two companies that operate the nearby wells - and begged for help. They say the companies initially refused to do anything. But, at the urging of the Oil and Gas Commission, they have now agreed to put in a water treatment system at the home.
Since the gas comes right out of the ground, instead of through a gas pipe, it doesn't have the scent added, and it's odorless!

Pie 03-23-2009 12:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by glatt (Post 548699)
Flammable Water Found In Ft. Lupton Home
taken gas samples to look for a match...
No. No matches. Really, it's a very bad idea.
:flamer:

HungLikeJesus 03-23-2009 12:31 PM
Why complain? Water is cheap - gas is expensive.

Shawnee123 03-23-2009 12:35 PM
Hey, that's Fire Faucet!

Trilby 03-23-2009 12:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shawnee123 (Post 548711)
Hey, that's Fire Faucet!
:smack:

Shawnee123 03-23-2009 12:39 PM
snort...giggle...heeheee

Cicero 03-23-2009 05:24 PM
Or it's a new housing option for prospective OCD home- buyers.....Get them really clean....make sure.....

Sheldonrs 03-24-2009 01:30 PM
Wonder if they'd wind up on the side of a milk carton
 
http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/we...w-Breasts.html


Woman Allegedly Steals Brand New Breasts

SoCal police in search of woman, stolen implants

By OLSEN EBRIGHT

Updated 10:27 AM PDT, Tue, Mar 24, 2009

Has the economy gotten so bad, people are stealing boob jobs? Police say Yvonne Pampellonne (pictured) used a fake ID to get cosmetic surgery.

An Orange County, Calif. woman is accused of stealing a pair of new breasts and then going on the lam.

Yvonne Pampellonne, 30, allegedly used a fraudulent identity to pay for liposuction and a breast implant exchange, according to the Huntington Beach Police Department.

The Laguna Niguel woman is accused of opening a line of credit in someone else's name in September 2008, having the procedures and then never showing up for any follow-up appointments.

Employees at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery were able to identify Pampellonne as a suspect in this case after viewing a photograph line-up, police said.

She has been charged with commercial burglary, grand theft and identity theft.

Police said the total loss is valued at more than $12,000.

xoxoxoBruce 03-25-2009 02:41 AM
Do they need a warrant to search for stolen property? :blush:

ZenGum 03-25-2009 06:54 AM
It's the photographic line up I'm interested in.

"Doctor, do you recognize these boobs? How about these? These?"

Crimson Ghost 03-26-2009 12:35 AM
Do they have "Bio-Hazard" stickers on them?

Sheldonrs 03-26-2009 09:35 AM
Man gets 90 days for sex with car-wash vacuum
Mar. 26, 2009 06:28 AM
Associated Press

SAGINAW, Mich. - A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in the Saginaw County Jail.

Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing.

The 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was sentenced Wednesday in Saginaw County Circuit Court. Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.

Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Savage's attorney, Philip Sturtz, didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.




I wonder if he was the top or the bottom.

Shawnee123 03-26-2009 09:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenGum (Post 549252)
It's the photographic line up I'm interested in.

"Doctor, do you recognize these boobs? How about these? These?"
We're in tough times people. This woman was tired of waiting for Congress to pass Obama's Boob-out plan. She has kids to feed, ferchristsakes.

xoxoxoBruce 03-26-2009 11:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheldonrs (Post 549574)
Man gets 90 days for sex with car-wash vacuum
Mar. 26, 2009 06:28 AM
Associated Press

SAGINAW, Mich. - A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in the Saginaw County Jail.
What's the problem, the vacuum got paid up front?

Shawnee123 03-29-2009 11:21 AM
Vasectomy rates rise
 
Pun intended.

As the economy softens, more men turning to vasectomies, reports The Cleveland Clinic.

Quote:
"My staff came to me and said, what's happening?" said Jones, the chairman of the Department of Regional Urology of Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at the Cleveland Clinic. "Why are we suddenly having an explosion in guys asking for vasectomies?"
Kudos to Dr Jones for getting in his own double entendre.

Quote:
They looked at their statistics and realized the uptick started around November as the economic crisis deepened. October went down in the history books as one of Wall Street's worst months.

Since then, the Cleveland Clinic has seen a 50 percent increase in vasectomies, an outpatient surgery that is the cheapest form of permanent birth control. Vasectomies are less invasive and cheaper than tubal ligation, which involves blocking, tieing or cutting a woman's fallopian tubes to prevent pregnancy.

classicman 03-29-2009 02:12 PM
Guess I'm a trendsetter then :cool:

classicman 03-29-2009 08:55 PM
Dumbest Criminal...

Quote:
HARRISBURG, Pa. – A retired police chief said he was robbed by "probably the dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania," at a police officers' convention on Friday morning. John Comparetto said as he came out of a stall in the men's room, a man pointed a gun in his face and demanded money. There were 300 narcotics officers from Pennsylvania and Ohio at the gathering.

Comparetto gave up his money and cell phone. But when the man fled, Comparetto and some colleagues chased him. They arrested a 19-year-old man as he was trying to leave in a taxi.

The suspect is also awaiting trial on four previous robbery charges.

The suspect was arraigned and taken to Dauphin County Prison. When a reporter asked the suspect for comment as he was led out of court, he said, "I'm smooth."

Crimson Ghost 03-29-2009 09:52 PM
"I'm smooth."

Yup.
And in prison, you'll be ribbed for his pleasure.

TheMercenary 03-30-2009 06:39 AM
A person I know, her husband anyway just did this to himself, anyway another person posted a link which describes an experience similar to what this rocket-scientist did. Funny read. Thought I'd share it.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

wolf 04-08-2009 03:37 PM
What was he reading?

Quote:
Laughing German triggers emergency rescue

A police car and rescue helicopter were called in to save a screaming man in a German forest, but it turned out that the man was in fact screaming with laughter.


If you hear someone screaming in a forest, it's probably best to dial the local emergency hotline and do your civic duty.

That's what a German woman thought she was doing after hearing a man screaming in his car in a forest in Elmstein, a town in the western German state of Rhineland-Palatinate.

A police car and rescue helicopter were dispatched to help the poor man, who the woman said had been screaming for three hours.

When police turned up on the scene, it turned out that the man was not screaming at all - he was just laughing at a very funny book.

The man said he'd gone to the forest to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Unfortunately for all those looking for a great read for their upcoming summer holidays, police did not disclose which side-splitting novel the man had been reading.

"That's something I'd like to know too," said police spokesman Heinz Hussy.

Queen of the Ryche 04-08-2009 03:42 PM
If a man screams in the forest..........


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