To assist with the moving along:

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

...and then she hit him

FIFY

and then she shot him

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

From 51 jokes in 4 minutes:

I don't get it.

Not sure ... 5 star rating?

FIRST!!!!!

oh, there have been two thousand posts before mine all posted in the nano scale of fractions of seconds since this video was posted, and half of them say 'first' because they two were slow on the submit button and did not pray to the gods of the bandwidth for a faster connection.

I hope that helps to understand that joke.

Relative of yours, UT?




Attachment 35881

Somewhat, thanks.

Umm....you do realize this is a humor thread, right?

He's a tool. All he does is post videos to get attention for his you////tube
channel.

Yeah too bad it dosen't work. Just looked at the stats, a whole 7 views. I'm just trying to make people laugh, but I'm a failure at that. 7 views and 20 get out of our message board replies.

Hi Unca,
It's nice to see you post some words. I have to admit I don't look at videos too much on the Cellar, but I do read stuff.

So what's your game? Why are you posting videos? Are you trying to make money somehow? If you get enough people watching, can you put an ad up and make a little cash?

Yeh, I'm with glatt. Whats the deal? At least talk/type to us a >.< little bit.

He's posted that same video in several threads.

I don't mean to seem excessively judgmental, but...might it not be time to send this gent packing?

CHAOS: Chief Has Arrived On Scene

No, I'm not making any money on my videos. I dont believe I will ever make money with my videos, its just a hobby. I wouldn't sell advertising on youtube because I don't think some one would sit through an ad to watch them. I have posted several times over the last 3 years and there are many of them that not video posts. I apologize that I posted this particular video 3 times. They seemed like appropriate threads for the video. I found this video to be funny and thought I'd share it, maybe a little too over zealously. I enjoy message boards generally and I like this one specifically. I enjoy the other posters senses of humor and frequently read their posts. One of the reasons I may have gotten a little crazy with the video posts is that the Cellar has a particular way to successfully post a video that I actually learned recently and probably was trying to show off.
As far as it not being funny, I understand my humor isn't the same as every one else. If I bother to explain why I think it is funny, it loses all humor anyway, so I wont bother. Even though some of you want me banned at this point, I do appreciate that you looked at my posts and that some of you watched the video. Thank you.

Explaining a joke is one of the worst feelings in the world.

One for Flint...

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

http://us.mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
http://us.mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1
Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

http://us.mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1


.
.
.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

http://us.mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1

images are broken at least on my end hlj. the joke holds up but theres just little broken jpg boxes.

Sorry, I copied it directly out of an e-mail. I see the images, but maybe they're linked on my computer somehow.

The only important one is the last one. Let me know if this works:

oh, the iRony

The iRoning is delicious.

THE SCOTTISH COW.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

You get used to it.



Please don't ask me to explain.

These are great! Best lost and found posters.

[link removed]

That site gave me a virus - on my work computer. You might want to delete the link.

Holy shit! I didn't get anything on mine. But it is an apple. Sorry about that.

I thought my work firewall would protect against such things, but I guess not.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?














































A flat miner.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

.

This was the Google News menu today... it supports what I have known all along...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!

Attachment 36121
Attachment 36122

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crushed ego sends Newt to hospital

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt


to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a


short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic


moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her


husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

I can't help but hear Troy Landry's (from "Swamp People") voice when I read this:

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had somtin to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas an get completely smashed.

De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair.

Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are dis morning?'

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?'

Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often..'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’in g.'

'What's that?'

'Have you passed gas yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Omaha!'

These kids at NASA don't know a 45rpm vinyl when they see one. :3_eyes:

Record-sized...:p:

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
... The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Talk about a southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

So, when a girl says that you're a pig when you have sex, she's lauding you with praise :)

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Regards,
The Opportunist

Hee.

Seen on a bumper sticker:

I'm not fucking stupid...
But I used to.

Bwaahaahaahaa!!!

It's not a shark.
http://www.dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip...8239.strip.gif

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every
day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and

there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he

turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she

approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible

adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests

of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Oh, that's gold.

.

Green Eggs and Hamlet

I ask to be or not to be.
That is the question I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear sweet mother.
Would I, could I take me life?
Could I, should I end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?

Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself ot take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?

To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?

To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?