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don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something
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Letters to Santa
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ***************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa |
Handy self defense tip
Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?
A: Go for the juggler. |
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Quote:
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A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the mess. |
An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire." The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69." "Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead". The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Literate Strip Club Signs Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail The Old Man and the SEE Check Out our Trollops, Anthony The Prince and the Peeper Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet It's Ulysses to Resist Us A Tale of Two Titties Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming Leaves of Ass We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier Strippy Longstocking The Hos of Kilimanjaro ;) |
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a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.
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Why are you still here?
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Chill. :chill:
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But what if Ibram was... joking? :p
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Chill anyway. :chill: :chill:
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a bevy of blonde jokes...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" |
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