|
Have you heard the joke about the two blondes who walked into a building?
You'd think one of them would have seen it. |
how's about two Irishmen walk past a bar?
The Amish Hand Warmer: An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?" A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it." None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again. "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off." ( buh dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week.. with shows at 5, 9 and an adult show at 11:00! don't forget to tip your bartender and waitresses!) |
Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.' The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.' The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.' The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want. After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.' The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!' The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is xoxoxo Bruce?!?!' ;) |
For ZippyT
A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station and tells the recruiter "I want in, I want to fight!" But the recruiter says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old." "Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there. He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I wanna fight!" But his friend says "Sorry Buddy, you're too old." "Fine", the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again! St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought." So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him, "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter then says, "Now what?!" God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion." So St Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?" God smiles and says, "Take his balls." So St. Peter takes the guy's balls. The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..." ;) |
GOOD ONE !!!!!
Once a Marine , ALLWAYS a Marine !!!!! "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah! OO-Rah!" |
The Golf Widow
So there's this guy and he comes to work one morning only to find the boss has hired a new secretary. She's a babe, and, fortunately, for the purposes of this joke, his office opens directly toward her work area. He spends the whole morning getting nothing done, he can't take his eyes off this woman. Well, at lunchtime he decides to offer to make her feel welcome, and invites her to join him for lunch. They get to the restaurant and it soon becomes clear that the attraction is mutual. The question changes from what to order? to your place or mine? Hers, just around the corner.
They spend the afternoon feeding other appetites and the man looks up and sees it's getting dark. Frantically he rushes to get dressed and she follows him to the door. He bolts down the steps and starts up the sidewalk and then comes back to her yard and does something strange. He walks onto the grass, gets down and rolls back and forth on the lawn a couple of times, then gets back up and hurries up the block. When he gets home, the litle woman is waiting in the doorway, arms crossed, tapping her foot in "that way". "Uh-oh" the man thinks. "The office--". "Said you were out all afternoon" she interrupts. Busted. Total surrender is his only option at this point, and he comes clean and tells the whole truth: new secretary, lunch, "dessert" at her place, everything. He waits for the verdict. As she listens to the story her toe never breaks rhythm, but she does uncross her arms. She deliberately reaches out her hand to his shoulder and carefully picks a single blade of grass from his shirt. "You lying sack of shit--You've been GOLFING AGAIN!" |
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?" |
|
As your wife gets older, be patient with her.
As your wife gets older, be patient with her. It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell at their spouses. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I was laid off from my last job and took "early retirement" on Feb. 15th it became necessary for my wife to get two full-time jobs, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from golfing about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I try not to yell. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get dinner on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. Now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday boy's bar night, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's golf round, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I had a really good day of golf, this allows her to clean and polish my clubs at a more leisurely pace. My wife is starting to complain a little, occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that my ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. |
30 Things Porno Producers would have us Believe...
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent. 3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. 6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. 7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. 8. Women always orgasm when men do. 9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine. 10. All women are noisy fucks. 11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. 12. Those tits are real. 13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. 14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. 15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!) 16. Double penetration makes women smile. 17. Asian men don't exist. 18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. 19. There's a plot. 20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt. 21. Nurses suck patients cocks. 22. Men always pull out. 23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. 24. Women never have headaches... or periods. 25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". 26. Assholes are clean. 27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. 28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. 29. Men don't have to beg. and finally... 30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. |
Please don't tell me #6 isn't true. :worried:
|
How many forum members to change a light bulb
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. :lol: |
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
I understand there were particular procedures and documentation necessary to change lightbulbs in The Third Reich. My grandfather still has his Glübirnenändernschein, and it's signed by Hitler.
|
Quote:
The Google translation tool result is Gluebirnenaendernschein, which leads me to believe the word is spelled incorrectly. :D |
Quote:
|
note for the Germanically impaired (and why I was laughing too hard to post anything else)
404 has made an excellently funny joke. In German, vowels with an umlaut (that's the two dots over the U and A in our example) are spelled out as [letter]e if you don't have an output device (when I learned about them, typewriter) with the special characters. In short, he spelled it exactly the same way I did. :high five: |
OK, but what the hell is it?? :confused:
|
an opportunity to make a joke about the German sense of humor? :D
|
That's an oxymoron. :p
|
Quote:
|
Yes.
|
Quote:
|
Yes, he's a lawyer
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We do not have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said. "Sir, I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "Sir, I also have a wife and we have six children with us!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You will love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." |
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
**Spanish Cuisine**
An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the "cojones". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today." He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!" --------------------------------- **Texas Justice** A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck. ----------------------------------- **Divorce Court** Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?' Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.' 'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires. Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.' ------------------ **Dirty Mags** Dirty Magazines One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him." |
Test
1 Attachment(s)
My test are back from the VA.:smack:
|
Quote:
or was this post post dated? |
From the VA, as in veterans hospital
|
Quote:
I spent the last couple days with some folks who work in one up here ... they had some scary stories to tell that probably wouldn't surprise you at all. Just be careful your next trip over to make sure that they don't take your kidney you aren't using and let someone else have it ... |
Wolf, Almost that bad. But it's better last few years. Your DR. has to find a few folks who fit the profile, as to who needs training. Today was to test the wig pickers. :lol:
|
Please forgive me if this one got posted already, but I tried to read all 31 pages of the thread last night and had to give up because my jaw kept falling on the keyboard -
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good. |
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a
genie appeared. You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie."As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well" said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog. They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again." |
And the best baby name of the year 2003 goes to:
This Lucky Child |
All I could think was "Was this one of those e-bay baby names?" :headshake
|
No, this is one of those babies named by drug-addled parents (Icy 8...Special K...c'mon).
|
Guess I lead a sheltered life.
|
Quote:
|
No, this is one of those babies named by drug-addled parents (Icy 8...Special K...c'mon).
I think Elspode got it, as the infant is giving the "West Side" sign with his left hand. |
The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.-Enjoy. Here are this year's winners
1. Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.) - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy - Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting l*id. 5. Cashtration (n.) - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis - Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon - It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido - All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) - The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.) - Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.) - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature 18. Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an a-hole. |
Quote:
Bravo! LMAO |
Babys name. Can you picture when going for welfare. WHF you make me type al dis shit fo?
|
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began: "Red..........cherry," Yellow.........lemon," Green........lime," Orange........orange." Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!" |
A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer.
The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children." The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement. The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?" |
HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER! WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. EXCEL Woman They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! INTERNET Woman Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!! SERVER Woman Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. CD-ROM Woman She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!! E-MAIL Woman Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. VIRUS Woman Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing. |
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" |
Female golfer
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?" She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late." |
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we m ust point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.! The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?" The loan was approved. |
rules of bedroom golf
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. |
After much consideration, I think this belongs here. (Tasteless jokes Almost got it, as did the Video Clippe thread, but this is betterer.
(Link has flash content ... safe for work. If you don't have sound in the workplace, just sing the supertitles to the Simon and Garfunkel tune.) |
TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG! 3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhoooHoooo-- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous :) |
another Top Ten list
----- Begin NetScrap(TM) -----
Feel the force Mother Fuc*er The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star Wars Prequels. 10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for. 9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. 8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes. 7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine. 6. Feel the Force, motherfucker. 5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What? 4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say! 3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie. 2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? 1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad MotherFucker.' ----- End NetScrap(TM) ----- |
I think Mace Windu's light saber actually does have "BMF" inscribed on it.
|
The Pacific Northwest according to Jeff Foxworthy
I passed, 30/30. All true. Enjoy.
You know you're true blue Pacific Northwest if... 1. You know the state flower (Mildew) 2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. 3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means. 4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. 5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. 6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant. 7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal. 8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain. 9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's. 10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon. 11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and Willamette. 12. You consider swimming an indoor sport. 13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food. 14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark- while only working eight-hour days. 15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. 16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." 17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. 18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. 19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover. 20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it. 21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka. 22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. 23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. 24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. 25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time. 26. You measure distance in hours. 27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. 28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. 29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall). 30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them. _________________ |
Not 22, BigV.....say it ain't so. :mg:
|
yeah, I gotta go with xoxoxbruce on that one.. there used to be a band around here (that actually got a little exposure) I'll see if I can find the song 'wool socks and birkenstocks' by dangerbob... seattle sounds a hell of alot like lawrence, without the constant rain of course..
|
Guy walks by the petshop and sees a sign: Parrot: $20. Wow he thinks, I've always wanted a parrot, this must be my lucky day! He walks in and sees the bird, an enormous brilliant macaw, beautiful plumage [/monty python], looks completely healthy, well behaved. So now that little voice that says "caveat emptor" prompts him to ask the petshop owner to explain why the low low price.
The petshop owner says that he's had a hard time placing the bird because he's and adult and a big one, not a cute little baby to be trained, etc. The guy asks, "Can he talk?" "Um, sure" says the petshop owner. Suspicious, like. Finally the petshop owner comes clean and confesses. "Yes, he can talk. But that the bird swears like a sailor, he can make Hells Angels cry, he swears for 10 minutes straight without repeating himself, and no one wants a bird that cusses loudly all the time." Now the guy is torn. Is this the fatal flaw? Arrrrgh! Well, for $20 he decides to take a chance, they do the deal and the bird goes home with the guy. A couple of weeks pass and the guy comes back to the petshop for some bird supplies. The owner is pleasantly surprised to see the man and not the bird and asks how things are going. "Great, great, really great." says the guy. "No problems with the, um, swearing?" asks the petshop owner. "Well, at first it was cute and then it kind of got out of hand. So I told the bird that he needed to cool down." "That worked? Cool down?" "Yeah, sure. That is one really intelligent bird. Gentle as a lamb now." Petshop owner deals with animals all the time and knows there's more to the story and when pressed the guy admits it. "Actually, I put him in the freezer. After a minute or two of a helluva racket, he quieted down. I took him out and all was well after that." "He stopped talking?!" "No, he just calmly climbed onto my outstretched arm and said, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'" The petshop owner is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. so he asks "That's it?" "Oh no," the guy replies "he did say one more thing: 'By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?'" |
| All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:03 PM. |
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.