True. Time to dust off all those Nick and Nora Charles films.

I like the Sean Connery one and the pencil knock knock joke too

The drummer joke reminded me of this one I saw the other day:

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer drools out both sides of his mouth.

This pair cracked me up, too.


Here's my favorite joke ever, which Minifob is good at telling:

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Ripley told me the not Stacey joke when we were Christmas shopping. I lolled.

Attachment 42904
Attachment 42905

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.
“Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”
“Of course not, Noah. I love music.
In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”
“What happened?”
“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood.
The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation.
Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”
“How about you?”
“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

FLORIDA PERSONALS

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, so I asked him about it.
He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving, and had nicked his chin.
I thought about that during the sermon, then stood in line to greet him after the service.
I told him that I thought about what he had said.
“And…?” he replied.
I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing, and cut his sermon instead.
******************
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That's nice of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she'll appreciate them.'
Tony smiled, 'So do I, it’ll make her vacuuming much easier now.'

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

Mixed emotions:

When your wife tells you that of all of your friends, your cock is the biggest.

My late FIL claimed he had a similar exchange during his army physical. He said he heard music in his head. (He was a composer, but he left that part out) They sent him to a shrink who said, They tell me you say you hear music in your head, do you hear anything else?
Yes, I hear voices.
What voices do you hear?
I hear your voice...

The shrink didn't faint, but did roll his eyes, then sent my FIL back.

Math class...

That is a lie only the pizza can feed a family of four.

Some puns Zing #1 pointed me to:

Why were the indians in America first?
They had reservations.

We had a class trip to the Coke factory.
I knew there would be a pop quiz.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.

But really, jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?


















Breathe! BREATHE!!!

Excellent!

Luvvit!
_________________________

Attachment 43132
Attachment 43133
Attachment 43134
Attachment 43135

You mean Bahston?

Today is Douglas Adams 61st Birthday. I checked out his daughter's twitter and saw this funny gem:

"I took my dog to the park to play frisbee with him. It was rubbish. I need a flatter dog."

Flatter dog. :lol2:

The reason Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because St.Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes.
St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians).
Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish.

So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse".

Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas, the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

The End.

Skool ai'nt done learnt me nuttin.

Attachment 43247

:blush: That is a newscaster local to me. They get their graphics guys/gals from ND and St Mary's

Why is the man on the sign carrying a pocketbook?

j/k

Never took Mickey for a spelunker.

Attachment 43261

iPhone 10. ;)

And I thought I'd seen the most tasteless clothing possible on PoW ... :eek:

I thought it was a skirt but I think it is really a sweatshirt tied around her waist.

I was actually gonna go with Photoshopped, albeit rather well done. I can't really point to anything in particular, it just looks off to me.

Look at the bottom edge of it, that's the ribbing of a sweatshirt, not the hem of a skirt. And if you look closely below that it looks blue like blue jeans.

I agree. And it's still going to be utterly tasteless when worn as intended ... not quite as grotesque but still tasteless.

The image has been sharpened. It was out of focus.

:)

I guess the front of the sweatshirt has Mickey's head sticking out in the manner of a baby Xenomorph emerging from the wearer's chest.

Which raises a bunch of possibilities of wearing it as it is, with the front facing outwards, and Mickey hanging out her butt; or wearing it apron-style, with Mickey emerging from ...

.

At a half-marathon...

Attachment 43373

Hah!

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

My cows are starting to ask me these questions as the snow is starting to fall today... Spring? Really?


Attachment 43443

Poor tripod. I lolled though

Attachment 43506

I'm here all week, try the chicken rectums.

Have I said this already? According to a recent NPR program, it's possible that that the fried calamari you're eating is actually pig rectum.

^^^
Thread killer?

Not even close. :headshake

Sadly, no.

What is the difference between a Bankster and a canoes?

A canoes will eventually tip.

Did you hear about the plane crash in Canada? Every single person on board died.

At least the couples survived.

*snickers*

Cow orker T: I can't be like E or M, all gung-ho like they are.

Me: No, you have Gung Ho (points top of pop bottle in the general direction of E) and you have Attention Ho (points bottle in general direction of The Sidler.)

E rocks. T rocks. The Sidler can be so good and helpful and he can also make you want to slit your wrists.

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?
"Uh,no, I haven't," he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!" she said.