What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?


One of them says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey! McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
male stripper at a gay nightclub. "The three friends said: "What a shame...
what a disappointment.

"The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And, he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

An American purchases and moves into a very remote farmhouse in the Shetland Islands. One, two, three months go by and he sees no one. Finally, there's a knock on the door. When the American answers it, he sees a wild-looking bear of a man practically filling the door frame, rough wool sweater, rough full beard and a rough accent.

"I'm here to invite ye t' a paaarty."

"Well! That's very nice of you, I'd love to come to a party."

"But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Shetland paarty. There will be wild Shetland dancing."

"I'm light on my feet; when I was in college I enjoyed going to all the dances."

"There's goin' t' be a fight. There's aaalllways a fight."

"I can hold my own; in the army I was boxing champion of the whole battalion."

"There'll be sex afterward. Wild Shetland sex."

"I haven't seen anyone in three months; I'm looking forward to a little female companionship."

"Well, all right then. It's settled."

"It's settled. What should I wear?"

"Just come as ye are--it's only goin' t' be you and me."

Another golden oldie...

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

++++

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?






























Bob. :)

why dont black people dream?


coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated.

OK...I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud when I read that one.

I'm going to have to do pennance now.

It's an ad, but still amusing.

am i going straight to hell for laughing at that?

as an ordained minister in the church of life .... you are forgiven.

i wrote it .... you only read it. :cool:

well yeah

you're screwed;)

A Buddhist went to a Pizza-Hut. When asked by the waiter what he wanted, he smiled and said "Make me one with everything!"

Anyone that didn't find the humour in that, has a serious problem. If they thought it was funny, but were embassed they did, gotta lighten up.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.