I used to take this fat bitch out to eat at McDonald's............just so I could watch the sign change.............

Took her to a "nice" place. She googled the menu for 10 mins, then told the waiter: "Yes , this will be fine".

....couldn't take her to the bar, tho.... every time she'd sit down a barstool would disappear...........

this is just too damn funny!chemistry exam

.
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ibo...ibox050509.gif

there is a social worker, an ex-convict, 5 Boy Scouts, and a priest in
a plane. The pilot tells them that the plane is about to crash and
that there are only 5 parachutes left. The social worker says that
they should give the parachutes to the boy scouts. The ex-xonvict says
screw the boy scouts, and the priest says do we have enough time?

John's fellow golfers were perplexed one evening to see John at the Club with a pair of women's panties on his upper-arm.

Somewhat used to John's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready.
The game wore on; John sunk some good putts, the other guy's had puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties.
After the game Harry walked up to John and gently whispered to him.

"Er John," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm.

“Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," John grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."

A guy was at the JW Marriot Hotel in Paris jet lagged, couldn't sleep and was feeling lonely so he thought I'll get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books.
He decided to call one named Erogeonique, a lovely girl - bending over in the photo - young and beautiful.
So he picked up the phone and I dialed the number.
"Halloow?" the woman says.
"Hi, I understand you do massage. I'd like you to come to my room and give
me a massage. No, wait... I want sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys. Do the lot, all night
tie me up; cover me with strange substances, anything. Now how does that
sound?"
She says, "That sound very fantastic! But for outside line, you press 9."'

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lent season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customersand said,
"About 2 hours "
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How longbefore I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned a friend and said,
"Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
"Your house."

how to tell if your poor......

We sooo need to get one of those for Bruce's collection.

I know, I was wondering whether to post it here or on the doodads thread but seeing as how I almost fell out of my chair I decided here....

Abdul the Turk
 

The Brits are renowned for their preference for the long story joke, so, as not to disappoint:

Two guys were strolling round a fairground when they came across a wrestling booth. ‘Spend 3 minutes with Abdul the Turk and win $300!’ proclaimed the sign outside and above a picture of a hairy, greasy, bear-like, snarling and well-muscled individual.

‘Hmm’, said one of the pals, ‘I might give that a try – I could certainly do with the money.’
‘What makes you so sure you could win?’ queried his friend, ‘I can’t see you getting the better of that guy’
‘I wouldn’t need to fight him. I was a medallist sprinter at college and all I need to do is dodge him and out-run him. I reckon I’m quick enough to do that’

His friend wasn’t so convinced, but try as he may he couldn’t talk his foolhardy companion out of his idea, and 15 minutes later saw the two of them by the ringside, the ambitious challenger sitting on the stool in his corner of the ring and dressed appropriately for the occasion. The second appointed to the challenger gave some advice:

‘You’ll be all right so long as Abdul doesn’t get hold of you – and if he does, then whatever you do avoid his trademark hold – the double pretzel – no one has escaped it yet’

The bell rang and they were off. The Turk leapt at the young challenger who gracefully dodged his attack and proceeded to dance and sprint around the ring, dodging and weaving from every lunge and thrust successfully. Half way through the round he was still untouched and the Turk was not looking too pleased about this at all.

The Turk closed in once more, and just as it looked as though the challenger would be caught he performed the most remarkable turn and once again side-stepped the Turks’s angry grasp. But this time it had been too brave a move, for as he sought to straighten himself, the challenger’s foot slipped on a pool of sweat that had gathered on the canvas. He lost his balance and fell. The Turk was on him immediately.

The crowd roared and cheered – ‘ double pretzel, double pretzel, DOUBLE PRETZEL!’ they chanted, louder and louder.

The Turk took control. First one leg swung up, and over and down, then the other. Then an arm followed the same route, then the other. It looked to be all over as the Turk used his weight and strength to literally tie his opponent in knots. The Turk crouched down to lift the tangled mess from the floor and raise the shattered body above his head for the final blow.

The crowd roared even louder. Then suddenly, as if by magic, the challenger sprung free and seemed to have found a new strength. He slid behind the Turk and was able to hit behind his knees knocking him to the ground. Before the Turk could regain himself the bell sounded to end the round. The challenger had survived against all odds. The crowd went mad, and the brave opponent was carried from the ring to his dressing room

Some thirty minutes later, money collected and wounds dressed, he hobbled out to meet his friend.

‘My god, I thought you were done for, how on earth did you do it?

Well, I tell you, I thought it was curtains too. When he tied up my limbs my vision blurred and I thought I would pass out. Then for a brief few seconds I regained my sight and suddenly saw this pair of testicles hanging just in front of my face. I thought this was my last and only chance. With luck I could just reach them if I made a real effort, so I opened my mouth and stretched my neck forwards as far as I could, and took an enormous bite, clamping my teeth hard together and definitely into one of the them. And do you know, I would never have believed, had I not witnessed it myself, the strength that a person could generate by biting into his own bollocks!

Q: how many impressionible young catholic school girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100, 1 to change it and 99 to question their sexuallity

Why It’s Wonderful To Be A Woman
1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
3. Women can talk to members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being neglected.
6. Women are capable of doing at least two things to a passable standard at the same time.
7. Women live longer than men.
8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
17. Women are can go longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no short woman's complex.
30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
;)

that was beautiful bruce. there wasnt one of those where i thought "only for a special case"

Once again, I am soooo glad I'm a woman. Thanks for the reiteration Bruce.

False.

False.

But despite those two, I'm still damn glad I'm a woman. Having shaved legs is awesome.

Not true!!! When you are 5'1" wearing platforms doesn't really help... and it isn't very comfortable to wear platforms everywhere all the time. Trust me, I know. :eek6:

great to be a guy

1. Hot wax never gets near your crotch (not exactly true ;) )

That must be your feminine side :lol:

Otherwise, the list is right on target! RAAAAARRRRRGH!

:flexes:

But guys dig itty bitty chicks.

[hick] Wal shucks...she hardly comes up to ma belt buckle....hyuk yuk yuk[hick] :love:

perfect....walking BJ :mg:

Hey now... ;)

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating.

Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

a guy walks into a bar and slips on a pile of shlt, he says to the bartender "hey what are you going to do about this stuff?" the bartender replies "well patrons bring in their dogs and i guess the customer is always right etc etc"
5min later a big irish guy walks in and slips over too. first guy says "hey, i just did that" so the irish picks him up and throws him out the window

Can't beat a good squat joke!

Hey lookout123:

...So there's this couple on vacation, they're traveling overseas. They are kind of adventurous and one thing they like to do is try different restaurants. There's this one little cafe they go into, looks interesting, small, very clean, and boy, are they hungry. The hostess seats them at a little table for two, and a handsome, white-gloved waiter comes over to bring them some bread and take their order.

The little bread plates are on the table, and the waiter holds a large basket of fresh, delicious bread, and uses these sparkling silver tongs to artistically arrange the bread on the plate, takes their order and glides off to the kitchen.

A little while later, the waiter comes by and offers to refill their water glasses, but apparently the local custom for water doesn't include ice. When they mention this the waiter disappears momentarily and returns with a silver bucket and uses his tongs to add ice to each glass. So refreshing, such service!

The finger food appetizers arrive and once again the plates are served beautifully, with each item carefully placed in relation to the other with the tongs. They are as tasty as they are beautiful.

The main course comes and again with the presentation at the table of the assembly of the dish, with each item delicately arranged, just so. It was hard to decide if the dish was more wonderful to look at or eat! Delectable! And never once did the server's hands come in contact with the food.

This suits the couple, in fact, the husband actually makes a comment about the sanitary conditions. The waiter smiles in acknowledgement, and says that, yes, there are strict rules in the restaurant about never using your hands to touch *anything*. The wife titters, and her gaze reflexively moves to the waiter's crotch, where she notices there's a little string hanging from the waiter's fly. She mentions this to the waiter and he proudly explains that, in keeping with the policy, the string is tied on and in that way he never has to touch himself when he goes to the bathroom, and his hands stay clean.

This naturally begs the question, which she asks, as to how things get put back together. The waiter looks to the left and to the right, and with a couple of sharp claps with the tongs says, "I don't know about the other fellows, but I use these."

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers
and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the
Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer,
For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally
Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To
Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass
As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies.
Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou
Art Doing
It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt
Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be
Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With
Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and
Stop
Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just
Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once
the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining
To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your
Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting
Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before
You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In
Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor
Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague
Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough,
Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It.
Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your
Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give,
and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally
Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A
Difference.

VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not.
Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably
Get
A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who
Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time
Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will
Have
More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?

Post #488

I don't get it...

Presumably the barber's wife is at the barber's house.

When the guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks how long until he can get a haircut, he's actually finding out how long it will be before the guy who is in the chair is done. The inquisitive guy then runs back to the house of the guy in the chair, presumably to do his wife.

Not the guy in the chair's wife, the barber's.

Well, hell...looks like *I* didn't get it, either.

Guy in the chair will be there for <15 minutes ... this joke might also work for "guy at the end of the line," but since he would be the most likely candidate to be sent to go follow the dude, and the joke wouldn't be as funny if it ended in a double murder and suicide, it's got to be the barber's wife that's getting it on with the questioner.

Oh, and the Coyote thing? Loved it. Especially being one who walks with coyote.

I didn't think it was THAT complicated !!!!

It wasn't, which I why I'm so amused by the number of people who <strike>think</strike> thought they were very smart who didn't get it.

I got it right away. What does that make me? No, wait! Don't answer that!

Hang on, now! It could be Bill who's going to the barber's house. You know what they say about trusting a friend. Great opportunity to lay the blame on some guy that nobody knows, who genuinely wants a haircut but only has a few minutes to spare each time. Yeah, the more I think about it the more I'm convincing myself that it is Bill who is going to the barber's house. Neat!

i thought it was all about a government conspiracy to do with aliens being experimented on in the barbers house without his knowledge. i thought it was funny.

but seriously i got it straight away

I posted this in the parenting thread, but also here for those who don't frequent it. Made me laugh out loud.

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
>>>>>5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living
>>>>>room.
>>>>>
>>>>>She heard the train stop and her son saying,
>>>>>"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ..
>>>>>cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
>>>>>getting on, get your asses in the train ... cause we're going down
>>>>>the tracks."
>>>>>
>>>>>The horrified mother went in and told her son,
>>>>>"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
>>>>>Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO
>>>>>HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train ... but I
>>>>>want you to use nice language."
>>>>>
>>>>>Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
>>>>>playing with his train.
>>>>>
>>>>>Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say ... "All
>>>>>passengers, please remember your things, thank you, and hope your
>>>>>trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.
>>>>>"She heard her little darling continue .."For those of you just
>>>>>boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you
>>>>>will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>>>>>
>>>>>As the mother began to smile, the child added,
>>>>>"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
>>>>>please see the bitch in the kitchen .."

Oh, and thanks for the head's up about the barber joke, cute now that I get it. Was that 'people who think they're so smart' comment directed at me?? :stickpoke Or am I being paranoid? I fully admit I have no clue about a whole heck of a lot of stuff, which is why I hang out here. (to learn, not be with other dummies)

Bush on Vacation
 

:lol2:

you are so..... bad. :snort!:

So realistic

Hoping the fish is polluted

Donkey

And for those of you with a Welsh heritage:

One day the King of England was out riding with his army through the Welsh countryside. Suddenly a Welshman popped out from behind a thicket and yelled, "One Welshman is worth two Englishmen!" The King laughed and sent two of his best men into the thicket after the Welshman. After a brief wait, the Welshman stuck his head out of the thicket again and shouted, "One Welshman is worth 10 Englishmen!" Feeling somewhat irritated, the king ordered 10 of his men into the thicket. A short while later, the Welshman again came out and announced, "One Welshman is worth a hundred Englishmen!" With a curse, the King ordered 100 of his best soldiers into the thicket. Sometime later, a single English soldier, nearly dead from the beating he had taken, crawled from the thicket and exclaimed, "Your Majesty, its a trap! There are TWO of them in there!"

Ahhh, you wanted to say ass, actually. Or pyg, if you hang out with UG. But please don't say:
http://img.infoplease.com/images/party_democrat.jpg

cause he's really (really) a:
http://www.cupclings.com/shop/elephant.png

Or...maybe this--it would explain the postition of the book. :lol:
http://images.indymedia.org/imc/rich...ANT_lo_res.jpg

Do not take the name "ass" in vain! I happen to be part Welsh!

(love the dead elephant by the way - wonder when they're gonna get around to hauling it out of the White House!)

Well, they've just given FEMA Boss Brown the boot from the Katrina effort, so let's hope the revolving door just keeps on spinning!

Right, I forgot your political symbols.

Musical Joke (slightly aged...)
 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!".

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but........He's a dead ringer for his brother".

BOOM! BOOM!

From the box last night: I walked past a loaf of bread and thought I saw your name on it - but when I went back it said 'thick cut'.

You want humor.... here's my contribution. Islamic Firing Range Bloopers DOH!!!! :D

I hate to admit it... but I don't get it... Could someone enlighten me?


:o



edit: apparently I can't spell either (I fixed admidt)

Thanks Iggy, you saved me the embarrassment. :blush:

sick c*nt ??
i dunno either

Funnier because no one tried to make it funny...

that IS funny

I have seen this clip and there is actually another one floating around out there. It is the same room with the same gun, only the person shooting it looks to be a European or an American. He does the same thing, fires the gun and takes a headlong into the glass door behind him. If I find it, I post the link.

HEY! that's my BEER!