Divorce
 

It's happening. Time is slowing down, I can see where we're headed and I feel powerless to change the inevitable result: a terrible crash, horrible carnage. Years in the making, my self delusion finally all ground away. The pain of being unloved now exceeds the numbing and dumbing power of denial. I cannot decide which I miss more, being loved by others or being deluded by myself. Probably delusion, since that pain is fresher by far; I can't remember the feeling of being loved.
I wish I had taken better note of that night, I can't remember it either. When was the last time? I should have savored it. I can still hear the siren call of ... of ... of whatever it is in me that kept on trying. Liar.

One partner always knows before the other. I suppose it's possible for both to recognize simultaneously that the relationships is doomed. It's never been that way for me or for anyone I've known.

I love that song. It speaks to me of too many failed affairs of the heart. I usually felt that loss before my partner, though.

It's hard to say who loves more, but love is a two way street. It's not just another platitude popularized by song. Sometimes, I think always, I loved more and harder and completely, and I was prepared for my lover to not be able to love with that kind of ferocity. My pain over a failed relationship usually started well before we would part. I would think each time that my partner knew it was coming, because I would point out each drop of blood I shed in sorrow. Still, each lover was astonished, shocked, and hurt by my perceived capriciousness.

Take time, time to let the blood flow, time to feel the bittersweet pangs, time to touch the memories you'll fold away for months or years. It will get better. Different, certainly. You can shape your future.

feeling unloved begins with a lack of self love.

Maybe it's time to start talking about where things are going...out in the open Deuce.

If it's over, then I say go for the clean break. Don't wallow too long. You'll come out looking like a prune.

We're here for you if you need us.

A handful of counseling sessions... Not actual progress, but more like an explanation of the brochure about the road to progress.

I thought, no, I distinctly remember seeing examples of actual progress this week. I got a couple of calls, inbound calls, about stuff. Important stuff, but the progress I felt was centered in the fact that I received the calls. W was connecting with me. Never mind the fact that the subject of the call was that our child, YS, was assaulted at school, and that we had to call the police and file a report.

Another call was about another child of ours, OS, progress in school, and the developments and changes that will mean in the fall. All good news, that call.

And even yesterday, there was another exchange that showed movement toward me. W would meet and YS at the park. Good news!

Again, this morning, when I said "Good morning" I got a reply. Don't mock. That's an improvement. But I read it wrong.

I found out that the bad day yesterday wasn't about work "I can't talk about it" but about us. Feeling *trapped*. Pressured. Cornered. There were lots of tears this morning. W had cried self to sleep. What a blockhead to misread so badly.

But the interactions have been nice. My bad. W says they're trapped by me because I know that W doesn't have the resources, $7000, to get the divorce, and that I should just file!!! Shouting at me. I don't want to file. I want to stay married.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I opened this thread and included this: At the beginning of the month, I reached this conclusion, my own personal tipping point.

Hey Deuce - any update? How are things??

Sorry man.
Can't know how you are feeling because every relationship is it's own person.
But know that I, and others here, do care and are thinking of you and want the best for you.
Even if that means getting through this very hard time and coming out better for it.
Does not feel like that now, I know.
It may not ever.
But I want you to know that I wish it to.

Can't find the lyrics to Unknown Hinson's Venus Bound.
It's on his website.

My husband asked for a divorce....I think my brain exploded. I'm at work but I'm not sure if I am still functioning. Hopefully I look normal.......or maybe it's just too obvious when your brain has exploded.

Oh, Cicero, I'm so sorry to hear that. Take it a step at a time and your brain will catch up. I hope your heart will be able to do so soon, as well.

It's our 1 year anniversary today. Holy Crap!.....yep....just acting normal.....
I bet people can tell when others are trying really hard not to completely lose it and look like they still have it completely together. Yeah, I think they look sillier. Even more abnormal.
Yep, that's me right now. I am that person.

OMG - I'm so sorry to hear that - I've been going through my own situation too. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't so excited about it. Running around like he has a new lease on life....already? Can't he just look grim about things not working out?
WTF?!?
I'm not that bad no matter how you slice it......
I guess he just wants his freedom back, I don't know...All the reasons he's giving me sound like bullshit excuses.
I'm going to tell him no until I figure out whether or not he has absolutely lost his mind.
Sorry for venting...........thanks guys.

Wow, Cicero, I am so sorry. PM me if you ever want to chat about it.

Sorry to hear that Cicero. From what you say about his behavior, it sounds like he's been mulling this for a while and finally made up his mind. The longer it's taken to come to a decision, the more it would seem like a new lease on life. It's like finishing that exam, you've been dreading and had nothing else on your mind, for what seems like forever. Even if you failed, at least it's over.

The $64 question...is there someone else?

Alrighty- telling him no worked..... I told him we were also going to continue on with our anniversary arrangements that I made and he needed to be suited up and ready to go. Can you believe it?
Now he's pleased as punch with me again. Did I pull a Jedi mind trick or something? That probably only worked cuz he was full of it and didn't really want to do it.....I don't know.....
weird.
Sometimes I feel like some men never grow up.
Thanks everybody!
It helps to shout into the void sometimes and have something useful echo back.

I'm happy for you. :)

Are you two planning to sit down and talk about this?

Yep-we are planning to do a lot more talking....all the time. I think that was a major part of it. We don't have a lot of little talks about our relationship and how we are feeling. I don't usually talk about the relationship because I assume it's fine...and I usually don't talk about how I'm feeling because it's so transitory. But maybe those are the ingredients for people to feel connected?

I'm sorry you had to go thru that - for whatever reason maybe he thought you were losing interest in your marriage, and that by asking you for a divorce, he was forcing you into a position to accept or deny it. Or I could totally be off the mark. Either way, I hope things only get better for you.

(note - i was typing this while you were typing yours - i'm just a little slow trying to type what's going on in my head and making it sound right)

Shit, you sound like a man.

Never mind.....I had a long answer for you xoBruce, and one that even included an entertaining little allegory about milk written from 2 different perspectives- but instead I'll just say no- not like a man just someone who likes solutions better than problems.

Better to sound like a man than a goat I guess.....and no I don't hate goats. I love goats. Not too much though. Screw it.:D

lmao at your goat thingy.

Griff, did you see that? She loves goats, but not too much. (I think goats are cute as hell and if I could adopt that one from the Aflac commercial I would.) :)

Glad things are going better for you, Cicero!

"...not like a man just someone who likes solutions better than problems."

Even more like a man with that one. LOL

Cicero, I am so happy to read that things are better and you are gonna talk with him! I had written this long-ass reply to you... Well anyway - goats ARE cute, but the smell - Uggh.

:redface:

Maybe that's my problem in relationships....no room for 2 men.....

Without knowing the details...maybe jester has something there. He might've been just trying to get a reaction from you, intentionally or not. Sometimes people feel the need to shake things up, for whatever reason.

Whoa, that was a compliment. You are practical and pragmatic.

I was served today at work as I was leaving the office.

I was served a summons, a petition for dissolution for marriage, an order setting domestic case schedule with children, a note for motion docket --- courthouse, a motion/declaration for ex parte restraining order for order to show cause and motion for temporary order, an ex parte restraining order/order to show cause, a declaration in support of parenting plan, a (petitioner) financial declaration, a sealed financial source document, and a lovely handwritten note on the top saying that she and the boy were going out of town this weekend so I could move out by saturday night, per the court order.

fuck. guess I spoke too soon.

That must have been tough Deuce. What are you going to do now? I mean seriously, do you have somewhere to stay etc?

Thanks Aliantha. Yes, very tough. I'm still in shock to some extent.

I will be staying at home, despite her scary sounding documents if I have any say in the matter. They are quite scary, I must say. Any restraining order experts in the audience? I'm not one. Yet.

I"m sorry I can't help you with legal advice mate. Do you have a lawyer? Have you spoken to him/her yet? If not, that'd be the first call I'd be making if I were you.

From what I know, if you stay there in violation of a restraining order, even a temporary one, you could end up in the slammer.

Well, Deuce, just keep your head and move forward. You can file your own papers, if need be (find your own lawyer). Don't be intimidated by all the lawyer-speak you just got. :rolleyes:

Oh yes.

The BOLD ALL CAPS HEADLINES talk about knowingly violating a restraining order as a CRIMINAL OFFENSE. Yikes.

Isn't that what happens over there Big? I know it's what happens here.

I just went through a messy divorce and if there is anything I can do to help you - please pm me.

There can be an appeal to a restraining order - she has to have grounds and they must be proven first.

Fair enough. That's why I wondered if he'd spoken to his lawyer yet. So that he could avoid any unfavourable events.

I did have a disclaimer...

I'm sorry to hear that, Deuce. Like others have said, definitely talk to a lawyer before moving out. Moving out is a huge step towards getting shafted, in both the property division as well as the custody arrangement. If you "willingly" "leave" your son "with her" now, you will have a harder time being treated as an equal parent in the custody arrangements. Keep on keepin' on, and don't hesitate to come here to vent.

Deuce - you are NOT ALONE - there are many here who have gone through what you are now dealing with. I am just one of at least several that I know of. It is much harder to deal with because we are men and the system was specifically designed to protect and favor women. It sux, but its true. Nevertheless, you can overcome it. You have the strength within you - I know it - it is a fact.
There are many here who care and will offer their valuable insight and experience to you -
DO NOT leave this tool in the box either - USE IT.

*sigh*

going home now.

See you all tomorrow.

We'll be looking forward to it Deuce. Take it easy matey.

I have had a most unhappy education in the past 16 hours.

Lawyers are expensive, thousands of dollars. But, hey, if you're having a heart attack, do you ask for competitive quotes from three or more surgeons? Do you take the low bid? At the same time, money counts. Money is stored choices and I have a limited store. I must spend them wisely. I am willing to spend it/them, as long as I'm getting closer to my goal.

Restraining orders have nothing to do with the concept of innocent until proven guilty. They are immediately effective, with the force of law, and with the penalty of jail. Talk about reducing my choices/options. Jail is *bad*, m'kay? Good. Moving on.

This fella, Pro Se, I may hire him too, with $$$/hour consults as needed. Or, maybe I won't be stupid. Too early to tell. Right now, I'm not feeling so smart.

Everybody says it will be ok in the end, that it's all for the better, etc, etc. :hurl: Right or otherwise, I'm not digging that medicine. And I'm as pollyanna as they come.

I am not in a position of strength.

I have some friends. I am able to act. That's not nothing.

I am being slandered. I have not been able to make the transition from husband and wife to husband and adversary. I see it. I've said it. But it's like a phonetic parroting of some sentence in a foreign language. I don't *know* it. I fear I will before long, perhaps too late. I am constrained by ... grief love fear ignorance habit from acting Con Brio on my own behalf. Reeeeaaaaallly need to get cracking on that one.

My boss is a jewel. Only her lawyer recommendation answered the phone. Has given me a pass from my work duties to take care of business. And she has shown me great compassion. That is a great blessing.

My daughter... she has been calm and wise and supportive and present. Words fail me, utterly, to convey my gratitude, my pride, and my love for her. Thank God she says she understands, despite my inability to articulate the depth and breadth of my feelings.

I have y'all to listen (shut up, I can pretend you're listening if I want to) to me clarify my thoughts. I have always had success in processing complex information by repeating it, by telling it, and you're all a captive audience. *Perfect*. Seriously, I also know that there are some of you that genuinely care. And that gets me crying again. I thank you, my friends. Thank you very much.

We're always here for you, Deuce. Nobody should have to face what you do, but I hope it does ease your troubles just a little to know we think about you and want the best for you. Hold on and let help come from any source available.

How does one find an attorney? The local lawyer referral line hung up on me!

Gremlins? I'll try again....

Twice in a row now. wtf.

Noo...call everyone in the phone book until you get the right price. Leave messages they all screen their calls. Or you will butt up against their receptionist and nothing will put you in a worse mood. Leave messages.
I don't know ya but I am sad for you, especially if it was you who went to jail.

Insult on top of injury.

have called... let me count...

G & J -- appt tomorrow at 9 am $95
CL -- twice. no call back
SDS -- conflict, sorry.
JPJ -- talked for an hour. seemed competent, but lukewarm. agreed to call each other again this afternoon. I called as agreed, left vmail, 30 mins ago.
LS -- called, left message.

crap! phone just vibrated, thought it was call... nope. spam.

JH -- left message 8 hours ago. no call back.
DH -- called last night and again this morning, no call back.

very discouraged.

Hang in there buddy it sucks "buying" something you totally don't want, that is horribly overpriced. Just stay focused - I am praying for ya.

Spoke with friend, recent divorce survivor. Learned some stuff, had some stuff I already knew reinforced, enjoyed a little stinkin solidarity. woot.

fuck. I need a plan.. I think I need some food. Have had a couple of pots of coffee. last meal was.bag of chips yesterday lunch. I am not hungry, but I know that's not exactly right. I should have a reasonable meal anyway, trusting brain over mis-signaling belly.

a lull now. gonna walk around a little (carrying phone and willing it to ring....)

later.

thanks very much yman.

pm

That's it, Deuce. You keep plugging away at it; the momentum is good to maintain right now. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. I know what you mean about your appetite; after a figurative punch in the gut you just don't feel like eating. Your brain is the one to trust here. Anything nutritious will be helpful, even if accompanied by a treat. In fact, be good to yourself and have something really tasty. It might even stimulate your appetite a bit.

You will get through this Deuce. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing each of the little steps that get you to the other side of it. Brilliant reaction from your daughter, mate. Take heart from that.

Keep in mind you have this place to come and vent at any time.

Duece - call me back when you're done - don' bother to pm me. I'm here for ya, I'm not always online - two teen sons and all...Just call me when you want or need 24/7.

The divorce process is sickening, at best. I have heard females sometimes use the "restraining order" as a strategy in a divorce. I think it is often recommended, even if there isn't a good reason for restraint, because it forces the man out of the house and into a defensive situation. Not saying that restraining orders are never the best thing for a situation, I have just heard of them being abused for this purpose. My husband's ex even once said "At least I didn't get a restraining order on you." I remember thinking "What reason would she have for that?" (I was there...there was no reason for her to feel threatened at all.) But it is sometimes used as a tactic to win custody battles.

Deuce, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially in midst of the emotional turmoil you are already dealing with.

A couple of things:

- Absolutely get a lawyer. Now. Keep calling until someone talks to you.
- Keep your head on straight. Sounds like you are doing that, but just keep it that way. Your wife may try to sweeten you up for something she wants, but keep in mind that she is going to try and get everything she can and she is, in fact ending the marriage. Getting a lawyer will help with this, too, if he/she is a good one. They should be sort of a buffer for you. Not like a therapist, but they handle the stinky stuff and should do their best to clean it up before they hand it over to you. If not, you need a better lawyer.
- Get as much time with your kids as you can and don't settle for anything less than being a fully involved parent, no matter what mediators or your wife say about it. Even if they are residing with their mom away from you, stay involved as much as you can. Go to events. Take them to school, pack their lunches...whatever it takes to show them you are still their father and that you have not abandoned them (or that their mother has not pushed you out of their lives.) You should be able to get the restraining order suspended or dropped, I would think which makes being involved a lot more possible.
- Don't ever demonize their mother to them. I doubt you would do this, but people divorcing do this, sometimes as an emotional reaction, but it is a serious issue for kids in divorces, I think and damages them for a long time. My step-kids still ask questions about the crap their mother fed them about Dad.

It seriously sucks, but divorce is like that. Take heart...it will get better, but it has to get a little worse, first.

I hope I haven't come across too harshly, but I truly wish you the best with this. You have made a lot of progress with the struggles you have had, lately, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It is apparent in reading your posts. Don't let these new developments keep you from continuing to make progress. This is your next lesson and you will master it.

Attorney's are like that....you think they aren't responsive but as soon as you give them a buck they up your butt and around the corner.....(that's actually a good thing when you need one)

One of my ex- fiance's had an ex- wife that got a restraining order claiming that he was "escalating".
I saw the police report. It was strangely devoid of any writing aside from the "escalation during an arguement" comment.
Holy crap- I escalate all the time. I'm probably even doing that right now....
Yep.....remember that one everyone....say "escalating".

Wow - you totally nailed it case - Unfortunately a woman needs NOTHING other than "I'm afraid of him" to get a restraining order. I had to deal with much of it. A year and a half later I have sole custody of all my kids and my house. Men can win, it can be, and usually is, very hard, but even moreso worth it. Great advice!

Do you have to pay for the initial consultation? That doesn't sound good. You'd think since you're deciding whether or not to hire them that you'd be the one deciding if they're worth paying or not.

Effectively that's what you're doing right? Hiring them to do a job for you.

Who's ever been paid for an interview?

You're on the money there, Aliantha; it is akin to an interview. I know when my wife and I were splitting up, I was able to see a couple of different lawyers for one free consultation. Maybe we have a more competitive market for lawyers around here, though.

OK, so I'm one of the lucky ones not to have been through this, and thus may be a little slow on the uptake.

Does the order say that you have to move out, or just not be in her vicinity? Could you not use the time to change the locks, pack up her stuff and leave it at the end of the drive with a note saying "I will be out tonight so you can take this away without fear of forcing a violation of the restraining order?

You say you spoke to a friend who had been through it -did you ask him for a lawyer recommendation?

You're probably right there UB. Our society is nowhere near as litigious as yours.

Yes listening... and seething along with you.