Just getting more and more angry lately.
 

I'm really getting angrier and angrier at the holy christ how long is this going to take to finally be official? ex.

Not so much for her recent behavior, though her existence seems like she's rubbing my face in it. I can't even get started. Maybe it isn't rational. I just spent the past fifteen minutes looking through threads I'd started in /relationships/ to help remind me of how much agita I put up with. If any of you can think of a golden post of mine that illustrates what a fucking fucking fuck that relationship was feel free to link it here. I've already culled threads started by me in /relationships/ and if I had more time I'd hunt among the 15k posts for more. Shit, I forgot about nutkin. I'll have to see what he posted. Probably a lot.

My BP is spiking just thinking about shit right now.

It's fucking maddening. My long term game plan is to have the revenge of living well, but right now I'm just boiling.

Thanks for reading

The good news is I've gotten a lot done on my house.

:comfort:

just thinking out loud here...

you're my friend and I feel bad for you man. being angry can, sometimes, be a productive, rational response. I don't know your circumstances just now exactly, but it doesn't really sound like this is the useful anger...

I've been down a very similar road. I'm ahead of you in that regard. Man, let me tell you this, it does get better (cliche'). But it's true. My experience with feelings like this, man, it was horrible. I fucking hated it. I used to be all



This is my song now.

... shit, lunch break's over. back later man. hang in there.

Anger's good sometimes. Gotta sort out what and how it happened so it doesn't happen again. You know you're on the path you need to be on, just keep on keepin' on.

Not to add to the anger, but the first inkling that things weren't all rosy in footfootfoot land was that "to do" list she left you and you posted about years ago. Bullet points and all.

I remember that.

That was an early notification of crazy. I'm glad angry carpentry is an option but you know better than most how to process this.

Here's a thread with posts by you. Your friends posted here too. Oct 2012 and into Jan 2013. That seems like an early discussion. There's plenty there that reveals serious fuckery.

It gets SO much better once it's over. It's worth the pain.

When you're going through hell, KEEP GOING>>>>

I can almost taste it. I did have a recent realization of "Oh yeah, you are not only not the boss of me, you also don't have any say in what I do or don't do."

We had a go-around about Boy Scouts and the inch. She for and me against, her with all her specious reasoning. I just told her, fine you want him to do boy scouts you be a volunteer and keep track of everything. You don't get to decide how I'll spend time with my son.

No response from my email which I let cool down for a couple of days and made it less contentious. Just stuck to the facts.

Damn straight.

If Scouts means that much to her, she should do it with the inch. You're right to call her on it.

No one but you has the right to choose how you'll spend time with your son.

Been there, done that as well. Jim & V are correct. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other & the other other...

Seriously - you were with her a loooong time. She knows just where & how to push every button you have. DON'T LET HER. :)

Maybe this will make you feel a little bit better ...
My ex got married 6 months after our divorce was final to a guy she met in AA. She just divorced him last summer & is now getting remarried next year on ... MY BIRTHDAY.
Wtfff?? Is it me or is that really creepy?

Not you. Totes creepy.

I've been reading up on narcissism (so much so that I can spell it) and narcissistic abuse and PTSD from same.

reddit has some subreddits on it and as I've read through them I've been reminded of just how crazy the ex is. I do worry for the kids somewhat, not that she would directly be abusive to them (as far as I can tell) but the things she indirectly models for them. E.g. my son goes into my room and takes down my black out curtains and opens the regular curtains in my room- exactly the kind of "did I ask you to do that?" type shit that his mother does. I spoke to him and he's stopped, but the boundary problems are already evident. His mom and Oma are professional no-boundary having or respecting type peeps.

Lately I've been vacillating between being annoyed, envious, jealous, and angry about her having a boyfriend and getting laid while it's been at least 4 years for me, maybe five, and that was a perfunctory, unenthusiastic favor that she begrudgingly submitted to. Then I realize that the poor bastard has no idea what he's signed up for. Re-reading that post of mine about her assessment of our crumbling marriage being caused by my lack of worshiping her brought me back to just how deluded she is and how averse to accepting responsibility for anything she is.

A friend was recently asking me what I thought I might have done to contribute to the problems with the marriage and I said I felt it all came down to me not setting clear boundaries from the beginning and not standing my ground and or ending it right away. I tend(ed) to be too accommodating and giving her the benefit of the doubt. At first I felt it sounded like I was avoiding any real part in the problem, but the more I recognized and admitted how emotionally and mentally abusive she was, the more I felt like that question was tantamount to asking a battered woman what her contribution to getting her ass kicked was. You know, it is possible in some cases that it doesn't take two to tango. Or maybe my ever changing interests and hobbies might trigger her abandonment issues, but unlike the abuse leveled directly at me, my hobbies or interests were not in any way attacks on her.

So, definitely some PTSD going on here, I feel my sense of who I am and my worth and self image have taken a huge beating and I see the road back is going to be a long one. I've got a great therapist, my meds are working great and I'm putting mice elf first, but I still feel the rage and grief coming and going though I know, intellectually, that it won't be like this forever.

I still wonder though what sort of permanent damage has been done. I am pretty spooked at the idea of entering into another relationship; I don't trust my perceptions at all, and I'm pretty scared of unwittingly falling into the same trap.

You guys have been really wonderful over the years, supportive, accepting, inspirational and entertaining, so thanks for the eyes and ears. You are all the diggity peachy bomb.

It is far easier for a woman to get into a quickie relationship than a man. She's not getting laid; he's getting screwed.

yeah, fuck that shit

and it ain't like "he's not setting any boundaries, so i have permission to traipse right through our lives acting like a demanding child and ultimately destroying our relationship"

it is each partner's charity, to the relationship, not to try to benefit one's self at the harm of the other or to the relationship

many people break down the other person's ego so as to build their own ego up. "you dumb little shit, now you're dependent on me because obviously nobody else would ever take you. ha ha i win this game again. and yes you may kiss my ass because you like being with a big winner."

~

She may well end up in a better situation than your marriage was. She may end up with a partner that matches and maybe even combats her particular fucked-up-ed-ness. It may be that what is ultimately a destructive long-term condition to both of them seems to be a marvelous connection for a while. Or maybe... it even works! You never know.

BUT the really great thing is in 2028 when you look up and realize you haven't seen her in 5 years and TRULY don't give a shit if she ever gained krishna consciousness.

like this very much

Well said, UT.
And you are absolutely right, foot, it doesn't take two to tango when abuse is going on, it takes only one. The recipient of the abuse is not responsible for its continuance; that is the sole choice of the abuser. Different victims take differing lengths of time to get away, that's all.

Thanks peeps.

Today I am feeling angry and sad when I realize she's spread subtle lies about me with her typical double bind bullshit. I can't go into details because for all I know she reads this forum. I know she hates all my imaginary friends (you) and I'm pretty sure she knows my handle. The inch does at any rate.

I feel on the outside of my own community. I've joined meetup and I'm going to start going to things. I might take ballroom and swing dance classes. There are a lot of hiking /kayak groups as well.

One of the most difficult things is that she has family, where I do not. She's got their support, she tells them her version of the truth and they buy it. I hope I can still salvage my relationship with my BIL because he and I got along well. But I have a narcissistic/borderline personality disorder mother (actual diagnosis) who lost the plot ages ago. She's never even met the mm, and only seen the inch once, a few months after he was born. So yeah, dead to me and likewise, me to her. My sisters are budding narcissists, or at least very self involved, usually only calling me for advice on fixing their houses. So, yeah feeling lonely and alone. Lots of acquaintances, only one or two really close friends. One lives 3 hours away and the other is local but is mad in love with his wife and they hang with themselves a lot, or with other couples.

The other thing is how people have taken sides and how she's managed to manipulate popular opinion. The real irony is that my few local friends are not the type to take sides and they don't really see the non-perfect persona she shows to the world.


She is also now making a fair amount of dosh while I am working on getting signed up for voc rehab while I gut it out doing more construction making shit $. I agreed to waive spousal support from her but now I am feeling WTF? She gets to take the kids on vacations to VA, ME, NJ all over the fucking place and I am not in a position to do that.

I really don't have the skills to deal with the anger effectively but I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday so we'll go over that again. I guess the good news is I am at least feeling something instead of being numb.

My long term plan is to somehow figure out how to get my fucking life on track, become happy and successful and she can stick that up her ass.

Still hating everything.

Rather like your soon-to-be ex?

foot3, you're going to be OK. You'll stop hating every thing all the time and will only hate certain things at certain times which is actually quite fulfilling. I look forward to the day you can breathe a sigh of relief and you come on here and be all jokey and happy...because that's who you really are, to me anyway.

But right now, as others have said, be angry. You are certainly entitled to it.

There's a ton of Tou in that ché

*hugs*

Ach damn, hon, sounds like a total headfuck. You'll get through it though - and out the other side.

I hate the idea of you being isolated because of this - I especially hate the idea of you not even being able to be open and yourself on here in case she sees.

Have you thought of maybe starting a new handle, just for a little while, whilst you're going through all this?

Is there a way you could reopen the question of temporary spousal support in court? Say your head wasn't straight and you've realized it's necessary? It's one way to get the stbx to hurry up and finalize things, plus other benefits.

I wish you weren't isolated. This is hard enough, you need peeps. I like Dana's idea. Maybe we could work out a weird anon thread in which only every other, or every third, post would actually be yours, to throw her off? Or maybe that's too weird. Anyway - why not start a new handle? Be boring for the first few posts so she figures it isn't you and loses interest. Then be yourself. ;)

F3 you are giving her your power take it back !
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is nowhere to be found anywhere. You as much as anybody deserve your love and affection.
~Buddha

Don't know your deets well enough to dig deep into the unlicensed unprompted unwarranted psychoanalysis, but this sort of dramatic life change might be a good opportunity to reassess / rekindle some of those relationships. IE just cos the dominant interaction you have with your sisters is housefixing doesn't meant they don't appreciate you -- could just be that's the only way they know how to hang out with you.

Also I think it is legit to call a sibling up and say "I am going through a complicated and stressful period in life and, as my blood-kin, it is your duty to drink this beer and listen to me vent."

You've been told over and over, but would you listen? Nooooooooooooo.
Do Not Fuck Crazy! ;)

I know very little, but I know you are not ready for another relationship yet. I also know it will be tough for you and your kids -not only will they model her behavior, but they share any genetic predisposition she has for this behavior. I am horrified to learn how like my insane mother I am. It would have helped if my father had been able to guide me away from the stupidly nutso tendencies rather than hating me for being like her.

It is good that you see so early that this is not "them" but echoes of her. be patient and kind as you guide them away from it and remember that -barking though she may be- without her you wouldn't have them at all.

Sorry it's such a pile of shite sometimes. stay strong

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to change my handle, she can suck it if she's reading this, plus I've been made aware of alternatives on here.

As for the money and courts we still haven't signed anything yet and I could, if I was out of my fucking mind, tell the atty that I'm not signing and want to make more changes. But I won't. The amount of support I'd get is a bit more than 300/mo. Not worth it to me. Another aspect is how she subtly lies/double binds/push polls. It is almost invisible to the uninitiated. It's almost impossible for me to think of an example of the type of things she effortlessly says. Stuff along the lines of "I spent all my inheritance supporting us while f3x was taking a year off from work."

All of these words are true, just not in that order or the same sentence.

But today I kept reminding myself to put the focus back on what I can do right now with my life, and also remembering that I was the one who was barking up the wrong tree for so long, and it's not like she's changed in any way. The tough balancing act is navigating raising the kids while keeping my mind intact. My shrink was explaining to me about "Radical Acceptance" and I'd taken some notes. Inch was sitting next to me tonight and saw the term and asked me about it. So I explained how it can be helpful when communicating with people in such a way to avoid fights. I gave him a few examples of his mom and I at loggerheads (without throwing her under the bus. He loves her) But I was able to allude to some of the 'echo' behaviors he's picked up and how things might go smoother for him in life if he makes changes, without actually naming him. Does that make sense?

Anyway the anger only comes up when I take the focus from myslef and put it on her and imagine that she is giving someone else the things she wouldn't give me, when the reality is that she is not able to give those things to anyone because she is a narcissist. It's a one way street. I realized her new guy is still in the bright eyes adoring stage and for his sake I hope he never leaves it, because when he does he'll realize he's been filling a well with snow.

So I'm back on my plan for world domination.

And Bruce, I know enough not to stick my dick in crazy. I just wish I could recognize crazy earlier in the game.

I know you do, I was using you as a teaching aid to warn the next generation. Not that they'll listen, but so we can point and say I told you so. :haha:

One of these days it'll be signed, sealed, and over. You'll do a happy dance until you're pooped, then sit and wonder what is really different. You still have to deal with her because of the kids. It may not be apparent at first, but the yellow brick road will reveal itself, and life will need less aspirin each week.

You go, Man. :thumb:

It was a nasty divorce but the split everything down the middle.

Good luck foots. I hope it gets better for you soon. All the good advice has been given. I don't really have anything to add. x

Good luck. Hang in here. Time does help. The kids get older and they too learn...