Why is my teen-age daughter stealing?...
 

Ashley turned 14 last September. I have noticed a few of my things missing from time to time, but nothing major. I have just taken my things back from her bedroom. I should have talked to her about it then, but I didn't. Yesterday, a good friend of mine came by to tell me about last weekend. Ashley was spending the weekend at her house with her 15 yr old daughter. Before we picked Ashley up, my friend and her daughter had gone through Ashley's bag and retreived several things that she was trying to steal - 3 big bottles of body wash, new hair brush, lots of new make-up, a new comb, several CD's, and even some clothes. My friend's daughter has also has heard that my step-daughter and another friend of hers have been shop-lifting. Apparently her Dad didn't let her go to the sand drags today, I haven't had a chance to discuss this with either of them yet. I can't beleive she's stealing from her best friend! (She is normally a very nice, helpful, good kid.She has a ton of friends! A little lazy, but that's all...)
Has anybody here ever had to deal with a teen that steals? I know that 14 yr old girls have a whole lot going on with life in general, but this stealing has got to stop! She's on her way to losing friends and probably getting caught shoplifting, too.
Any advice? Please...............and thanks!!

She wants to be an actress?

Not making light of your problem. From a quick google it looks like there are a lot of different reasons a kid might start stealing - attention, passive/aggressive retribution, and so on. I think you're going to want help from a counselor if talking to her doesn't bring out the root cause.

well as someone only a few years out of their teens. i must say i use to love stealing (granted i never did from friends and family). but there is a certain excitement to it that you only get from taking something that you could get caught for.
my suggestion, talk to her about it, dont get angry with her and try and control her. that will make things worse. let her know that its out of your control and you cant stop her from doing it, tell her there will be consequences if she gets caught that go beyond any punishment you could give.
tell her to ask her friends whether they care if she steals from them. she'll want to talk to them about what you said to her, but she wont be able to because it would mean she is addmitting to stealing from them. and she'll realise that since she cant talk about it that maybe she shouldnt be doing it.

in most cases its just a phase because they realise how easy it is to pick something up and walk out with it. once they realise that someone might be watching them, they should back off a bit.

if it does go beyond this, any advice i could give would just be guessing

The consequences have probably already started. I doubt if her friend or the mother will keep it a secret. When people start whispering and looking at her sideways, hopefully it will sink in. :litebulb:

Before you approach the "stealing", ask yourself does she even realize that what she is doing is stealing? Children these days are taught to share and are given so much, it seems to me that sometimes they don't even comprehend that others might not want to share.

bullshit

*edit-were you joking? *

Does your daughter get things that she wants as a rule or is she deprived in any way? i.e. finacially, etc?

A little bank roll of her own through chores, babysitting, etc.

She may be wanting to explore and expand growing into a woman and perhaps has the need for "new and different".

My wife works as an Education Welfare Officer (EWO) - meaning she looks after children who skip school or who fall into bad ways. Stealing features a lot and it can be down to any one of a number of issues, certainly including those mentioned here. It's too early in the information stage to say what is behind this. Among the many causes not yet mentioned that my wife comes across, there's peer pressure (the need to feel part of a group that requires stealing in order to be cool), bullying, and, more than she would like to see, financing a drugs habit.

Whatever is at the root of it you do need to find out, and it may require involving your daughter's school and the services of and EWO or your equivalent. By all means talk over the problem in the way Kagen404 suggests , but if you get resistance then I wouldn't pursue the matter too heavily yourself. It's too easy to tackle the problem the wrong way and escalate rather than remove the problem. These are formative years and if there is something deeper at the source of this apparently growing habit the sooner it is surfaced the better. The EWO service has back-up from professionals in many quarters, and often the EWO. as in my wife's case, has qualifications in necessary areas, particularly counselling and psychology.

Hope above helps

Shoplifting is one thing, but in a way, stealing from a friend is far more serious. I've heard teenagers laugh and call shoplifting "shopping without money." I think Kagen is right in that many teenagers may shoplift just for the excitement of it, or because friends egg them on. But stealing from a friend is a real violation of trust. Its not the same as swiping nail polish off the shelf at Walmart.

Your step daughter may have any number of motives behind stealing from you or a friend, but her actions reveal a true indifference for the results her behavior has on others and are extremely selfish. She is showing evidence of a sense of entitlement that has no basis in reality. Just because I want what a friend has, that doesn't mean that I get to help myself to it and skate off without a backward glance.

If she is caught shoplifting from a store, they'll just slap her hands the first time. If she continues, however, she will face serious consequences up to and including jail - or in her case, time in juvie detention.

I would try to get her into counseling if I were you, and I'd also let her know that you will NOT bail her out from any consequences if she continues in this behavior. She has most likely already lost a friend over it - or at the very least, caused the friendship to become strained. Even if she doesn't get caught by the security cams at Walmart, if she continues her actions, she will quickly find herself with a reputation as someone that nobody will trust - very hard on a teenager.

Yeah, Cyclefrance, when my sister stole some stuff from me it was to get drug money. :worried:

Thanks for all of the input, I appreciate it. The thoughts of shoplifting consequences are bad enough, but the part of it that bothers me the most is the people that she stole from.
She stole from a very close friend that she's had for the past nine years. The girl's mother has been beyond wonderful to Ashley. The girls had been friends for about a year when Ashley's Mom was murdered. After she was left with a single dad, this girls' mother has always gone out of her way to do special things for Ashley, like taking her with them to get their hair cut and highlighted, shopping for a first bra, the girlie things that Dads aren't always that good at. And frequently buying her things. And she stole a ton of stuff from them!! And apparently its not the first time.
As far as the counseling, fortunately we have a great guy here at the YMCA. I have thought of talking to him, I met him when my son was 15 and he helped a lot.
She has what she needs, but not everything she wants, she's usually broke because she usually doesn't do her chores (and if we gave her any less chores, she wouldn't have any!)....
We obviously have to find out just what the real problem is, and at 14, I'm sure she's not going to just come out and tell us.

First and foremost, make your child return what was stolen, in person, and apologize to those from whom she stole.

For some reason, we have taken *shame* out of the lives of our children, and it does them no favors. Sociologically, there is a certain need for conditioning that is so powerfully provided by the sense of embarassment and shame that come from having to own up and admit to - take responsibility for - our transgressions. Our society now thinks that the only way to turn out good kids is to make them feel bubbly-goody-touchy-feely-swell about themselves lest their self-image become damaged. Well, doggone it, when we do dumb stuff, our self-image *should* be damaged, and then we should be made to repair it.

If you never learn how bad it feels to hurt someone else, you never learn to empathize with those who are injured. If you never learn to admit your transgressions, you never learn not to transgress. That being said, it usually isn't this simple, and for the child of a murdered parent, there is almost certainly some deeper-seated issue going on, and that means professional help, and darn few of us here on The Cellar are truly qualified to say much more than that. Good luck, BH.

damn wise post

He has experience.

Interestingly, one of my coworkers emailed me these helpful, instructional photos tonight.

Adult supervision is essential.

Damn , like in the Marine Corps , they would tell you to report for some stupid ass shit at 0600 ,
but you know what THEY had to be there to make shure YOU were there !!!!

I wholeheartedly agree, I have no answer but I do have a question.It sounds like she became part of their family for some time, so I wonder if she, at least in her mind, was testing them to see if she still is. Maybe trying to find out if they really cared or just pity-ed her.
You might bring that up with a professional. :confused:

Sorry you're in a tough spot........hopefully your love, effort and patience will pay you big, big dividends....all of you.

The woman sitting in that chair knows how to lay down the tough love. Is the child being humiliated? Sure. But what's more humiliating? Standing on the street holding a sign while your Mama watches, or bending over the rail with Bubba pounding your keester, while Bubba's jealous lover watches, and plans your brutal murder?

This boy is lucky anyone cares about him at all.

Unfortunately recent common practice for such attempts at discipline have involved the Department of Children and Families, removal to a foster home, and mandatory parenting classes.

That Mom is showing tough love at its best. She cares enough about her son to be out there on the street corner with him and share in his humbling experience. Children often shoplift as a cry for attention. That boy got it, although not the kind he expected, I imagine.

OK, you found out she was stealing but you just took your stuff back and didn't even say anything. ....You guess you should have talked to her then but you didn't... you didn't get a chance to.... you didn't have time to talk about it.... She's lazy and never has any money because she refuses to do any chores to help around the house, BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Yes, you definitely have a problem, but trying to solve it by finding "somebody else" to do your parenting procedures is not going to work. This kid has it made. She is doing whatever she wants to do or nothing and you just wring your hands because the negative behavior continues???? What you NEED is a Family Counselor for ALL of you, and quick.

OKKKAAYYY...

Yes, Tonchi, you are absolutely right. Thank you for pointing out the now so very obvious. I had to go through a little - what - fuck you - what do you know - damn, she's right - thing there.
Being at that tough tender age, without a mother, Ashley is hard to dal with sometimes - I get the "Be my Mom" thing, then when I act like her Mom and she doesn't like what I say or do, I get the "You're NOT my Mom!" thing. But she's the kid and I'm the adult.
We do need to re-group here. I know my husband and I are concerned about how we deal with her for reasons of our own, I am very close to my son and don't want her to feel "left out". The hubby just doesn't want her to decide she wants to live elsewhere like his oldest did at 15. He adopted her (his other daughter) when she was 3, when he married her Mom. After she moved out of our house, (because it was the WORST place to be!) she lived with her aunt, biological Dad, grandma, aunt again, and then wanted to come back home. Wasn't the worst after all! Turns out everybody has rules for 15 yr olds! We're closer with her now than ever (she's 18).
Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder. Very traumatic. But as far as that event is concerned, they are doing fantastic, kids do bounce back amazingly, but of course with scars. She just needs to be treated like what she is now - a normal 14 yr old. Who needs diciplined, of course. And I've read many places that kids with rules and structure are happier and feel more loved and secure.
Thanks, Tonchi, and everyone else, for sharing your advice and wisdom.

We are tough on our kids. Don't get me wrong - they aren't perfect, and they fuck up on a regular basis.

Whenever we catch them doing something really bad (sneaking out, smoking, etc..) we make them call everybody in the family to tell them what they have done.
I know it sounds shitty, but if my sister is going to trust my daughter to babysit her kids, she needs to know that my daughter has a habit of sneaking out. Or if I've found that one of my kids steals something from anywhere, my friends & family need to know - that way my kid knows they are being watched.
My family tends to coddle my kids and make excuses for them when they do something wrong, but I really don't think that does them any favors.

And I do honestly believe that being tough on kids does them a big favor in the long run. They are much better off if they have been prepared for that big bad world out there that they will have to face on their own soon.
My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas.
So our established parenting techniques, along with every single thing else in our lives changed. Not to make excuses, maybe we handled it badly, but at the time we did the best we could. We did spoil our son after his sister died, but he is a very good kid, very respectful, and I don't think I've ever met a 19 yr old boy who has a bigger heart. Not a day goes by without him giving me a hug and saying "I love you, Mom". Every time he sees my Mom he does the same, when they talk on the phone, he always ends the call with "I love you, Granny".
My step-daughter, however, seems to be crying out (or screaming for!) some help or attention right now.
Thanks to all of your for your comments and suggestions. The reason I asked for your help is because I wanted input from you folks, whose opinions I value and trust. I greatly appreciate the input, I read every single reply to this thread, and think about and consider every suggestion. Thanks again!!.....

That's what matters most. Even hindsight isn't always 20/20, there's no manual or crystal ball. Don't be too hard on yourself. :thumb:

Tonchi is right about family conselling, but I suspect that anyone you approached for professional help would not deal with your daughter in isolation. It's generally accepted that what is the visible problem now will doubtless have a deep-routed cause and therefore a child counsellor, welfare official or other professional is bound to involve as many people involved with your daughter as may be influential in terms of her actions - both in terms of cause and remedy.

HOLY crap.... You are living the life of Job

"Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder"

and

"My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas"

HOLY crap.... You are living the life of Job

"Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder"

and

"My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas"

(i didn't say that twice, did I?)

Perhaps the consequences you are doling out are a little on the weak side? Spanking is legal, you know!

Oh, yeah, violence, that should do it..... sorry djacq, but think you are way off course - respectfully suggest you read a bit more of the background as a physical solution is way off being anywhere near appropriate or constructive - rather it would be totally destructive.

Being a teenager myself, then I may be able to help. Since the stealing seems to not be out of neccesity, she is either A.) stealing because she has been convinced it's "cool", which means she's probably hanging out with the wrong people, or B.) she's stealing because she has a mild case of kleptomania, which isn't very likely and you should check out A first. Ask her who shes hanging out with, ask to meet her friends, and make the call from there.

I agree with Ibram. I am also a teenager, and A seems very likely. It is either those, or that she wants a thrill of some sort. I'm sure that this has already been mentioned, but just to be sure, I wanted to post it myself. Doing something wrong, especially illegal, can be a huge rush, and getting away with it just adds to the high, so to speak. A few years back, I was with some friends who were shoplifting, and I knew about it. I didn't even do the stealing, and I still felt great. If this is the case for your daughter, I suggest telling her about some other activities that might give her a similar thrill or rush. For example, rock climbling or repelling.

I was checking to get information regarding stealing and came across this website. I am working with a young man who just stole quite a bit. He could be in very big trouble if he is charged as the value is over $500.00. He doesn't know or can't articulate why he did it. So I was very happy to read some excellent information regarding this and really wanted to share it with you. For many people (kids and adults as well), this behavior has to do with "great loss" in their lives. I'm trying to remember how they phrased it - I think loss of someone "personally meaningful" and the person (who is stealing) perceives that loss as very unfair. This young man's Dad was murdered that I'm working with - so I noticed that your stepdaughter's mother was murdered as well. And that fits the definition exactly. This young man was very close to his Dad and, of course, the event changed his life tremendously for the worst. I'm really concerned about him because he's a really nice kid and going to a juvenile jail would be so traumatic and dangerous for him. I am a stepmom myself and I congratulate you for trying to help your stepdaughter! Best of luck to all of you.

Your stepdaughter has experienced the unthinkable. It is extremely traumatic to have a loved one (especially a parent) murdered. But to have witnessed it and to have been victimized at the same time is unimaginable! I am guessing that, whether she realizes it or not, or can talk about it or not - she is still suffering from all of it. I will try to get the name of the website that I was reading - a psychiatrist who has specialized for many years in "why people steal" relates his experiences and the results of his research. It's fascinating and it makes sense to me. For what it's worth, I think you are handling the situation with sensitivity - being the stepparent puts you in a difficult spot. I don't think you are ignoring the situation and you are trying to get information and advice from people who have been through it. I definitely think your stepdaughter could use counseling/therapy, but I would stay involved. Although she has done something that is very serious with serious consequences, I would not let anyone "shame" her or "humiliate her". That only makes the problem worse. I am going to see if I can find the name of that book -I'll let you know what it is. Please don't get discouraged by people who give you "cliche" advice - she doesn't have enough chores, kids today are entitled, etc. In some cases, it may be true. But, I think your stepdaughter deserves so much more. You sound like an awesome stepmom to me. By the way, I thought that mother who had her son hold the sign denouncing his father in public, was a really sad example of a parent. Again, good luck to you as you deal with your stepdaughter - I think she is a very lucky girl to have you in her life.

This thread is two fricken years old bbsocmom. I think what ever issues they had are most likely different now.

Be nice Merc, she's new here and might not have noticed.
Welcome BaseballSoccerMom

Anyone seen Brett's Honey?
It would be very interesting to find out what happened...

I have to agree with SG here Merc - An update would be interesting and many people come to the cellar by googling info and finding/reviving older threads. Thats what happened to me.

Thanks for posting this baseballsoccermom, and welcome.

While this thread may be old, anyone Googling this issue may stumble across it and find your post. It can only be helpful to them. Thanks.

ditto. Welcome :)

someone revived you?

No, he means he was was stealing someone's teen daughter and needed advice so he googled it and found himself here.

Oh My GOD! Me too!

Thanks for the welcome, you all. Next time I will definitely take a look at the date! ha ha Yes, it would be good to hear from Brett's Honey.

Am I still here? I know I let the daughter go.

you guys didn't hear what happened to BrettsHoney?

Arg! Jim!

sucker!

I hope LJ doesnt post anything interesting in his links, coz I never click on them.

I never learn!

You know, if you hover over the link with your mouse, you can see the URL it points to, way down in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. If it says YouTube, you know not to click it.

good point. I never look at that. I need to start. :)

Clodfobble is lying! She hacks your AOL with a trojan bug that does programs on your monitor!

Youtube is not the only source, though... ;) (and not all youtube links lead to *that*. Some lead to *this*

would you believe me if i promised not to rickroll anymore?

I'd believe you.

(a) it'd have to get tiring, and predictable, after a while, and b) you'll just find something else to do.)

I kind of like getting rick rolled. Is that twisted? Please don't tell the authorities.

I DO know what you are going through.
 

Hi I too have a 14 yr old who is stealing. I have tried to be understanding nice, explain the what if's to him as far as stealing goes, I explained the consequences to him, but still he steals. Things like money from his little brothers change jar, but recently like 2 days ago he stole a rock and a ring from a gift shop while we were on vacation.

Now I did not yell at him...what I did was use a firm voice and once again explained the consequences of stealing....I told him that I was not happy with his actions and for him to go to his room until I think of a punishment for his actions.......Now I would have made him bring the items back to the gift shop;however, when I realized he had stole we were 6 hrs away.....I'm thinking his punishment will be cleaning both bathroom toilets every day for 2 weeks with a cloth instead of the scrubber (gloves on of course).

So this is what I did........If you dont agree with me I am sorry but when you are all out of ideas this is where you end up looking for answers.

I called my local police station and explained my situation to a police officer with regards to my sons stealing. I asked them that if I was to take my son into the police station would they take him into a separate room and explain to him the consequences of stealing. I also asked them if they would go as far as take him to a cell and show him what it looks like, as to kinda get a feel for what his future holds if he continues to go down the path that he's on.

The officer on the other end of the phone agreed with me that I am making a wise choice as to nipping this stealing thing in the but before it gets out of hand....And yes I will be taking my son to the police station around 1:30pm tomorrow.

I am hoping that by me bringing him to the station will OPEN his eyes as to what will happen to him if his stealing continues.

Only time will tell if his trip to the police station works, but what do I really have to loose.....the answer is nothing..... it will either work or it wont.....My fingers are crossed that it does.

I will let you all know the out come.

Welcome to the cellar Mom. I hope things work out.

Hey Mom, and interesting first post there.

Is your son stealing stuff (in general) that he needs? I don't know anything much about that sort of thing, but don't kids sometimes do stuff like that for attention? Is there anything else going on with him?

MomWT, does your son have money of his own? Could you have him write a letter of explanation and apology to the store and mail it to them with the items he stole using his own money for the mailing costs? My kids are a little younger and I have no experience with this age-group other than having been that age once, but a letter of explanation/apology seems to work a treat every time. Especially when they can't find a good reason to give the person as to why they did what they did (explanations = what and why)