Do guys really care about a girls sexual history?
 

...like how many, who, how etc??

My gfs and I were discussing this last nite and it seems guys can still be a bit weirded out by a girl who has a fairly ...err...impressive? (not the word I was looking for :lol: ) sexual history.

Is it true? Do I need to dull down my resume?

Do guys just want sex from the ones that put out, or can they still fall in love with them??

I have this problem where I always say the first thing that comes to mind, so if I get asked a question...I never think..."do I answer this truthfully or should I be a bit vague?".

From my point of view, if a guy I am attracted to is going to be bothered by my past, he probably isnt the guy for me.

It depends on how that history came about... it can say a lot about someone's character.
If you are simply talking about a numbers game, then no, but it is never that.
It is always far more complicated than that, so my answer will be yes, I care.
However, it can be a good or bad thing, regardless of the numbers. The behavior is what I look at as the determinant for my reaction.

i don't really care. i have a "history" too, so i expect her to have one also.

as long as she wasn't a hooker or the likes, i think an active sexual history is great.

if she's in a good place now and we connect, then what does it matter?

Got to agree, twenty. As I see it, anything before the two got together is history and starting over from 'now' is what's important. If you stay together long enough, the facts will eventually come to light and it really shouldn't matter.

right. and like i said, i have a past too, and it would be unrealistic and judgmental for me to expect any different from her.

what side of the planet are you on?

Right now, I'm in Kansas, USA, but plan on being in New Zealand soon.

Really? What part of NZ?:D

I have some friends in different cities, but will probably end up staying in Taranaki [that's where 'HE' is:heart-on: ]

Darn...there's already a "he".....

I shall just have to go back to my life of celibacy...[on topic....would a LACK of history worry a lady seeking a prospective partner? At what point does a guy become unsaleable due to rust?]

As to the question originally posed.......A lady's history is fairly low on my list of essential characteristics. I'd have to know her fairly well before enquiring into her previous lives, and even then,I'd only ask discreetly, and would not persue the point if she doesn't give me a 'blow by blow' account[sorry, couldn't resist].Unless she talks of simoultaneous or overlapping relationships, or exes who gave her herpes, the subject is of little relevance. I've decided already that I like her for who she is, not who she's been.

i've always approached it as "you've been with at least one person, but fewer than a million? cool - me too." i don't want to know anything else. i sure as hell, won't be talking about my past.

I like the way you think, Lookout :)

Why should the sexual history of someone who LOVES sex be compared (unfavorably) with someone who maybe doesn't?

I think some guys play a double standard--it's cool for us to have fucked 20 or 30 women, but if a woman has had sex with 3 or more people, ewww!

I've been that way at times. Now, it would depend on the circumstances.

Lookout, I would hope that at the very least that if you don't talk about your past, you would at least get checked for STDs.

I think it speaks to how a person views their sexuality as part of their whole person.

Is it something that they can separate out and use for recreation with multiple partners, and little or no emotional entanglement? If so, then I would have little in common with that person, and it would raise red flags for me in the relationship.

Have they been in multiple relationships that that reached a stage of mutual commitment and trust where sexual intimacy was an integral and healthy part of the relationship? If so, what happened? do they habitiually choose bad partners and then break it off? Or is there something in them that becomes progressively revealed as they get deeper connected in a relationship that is a deal-breaker? I know these aren't the only options, but these are the questions that would come to mind if I found out that my relationship partner had been with dozens of sexual partners.

I honestly don't know that there's a healthy answer for why someone in their late 20s or so would have dozens of sexual partners. It would suggest to me that they either view sexual intimacy as a recreational activity, or that they make emotionally immature decisions about commitment to people.

flame on.

syc - past sex isn't a taboo subject for me, but I refuse to talk about the number of people we've been with. A) I'm not proud of my past, B) I don't really want to know who my potential lover has been with.

what i want to know is A) are you clean? B) how do you know? C) is it ok if I bring my swing or would you prefer the Sybian?;)

Ya know what? Just lie about it.

Some guys want to know if she had sex with someone they know or are likely to meet. You know, just to be prepared for any sniggering or strange comments. It's an ego thing. ;)

i'm far more interested in finding out how many guys they plan on being with in the near future.

Some interesting comments.

I get where you are coming from SmoothMoniker, I dont neccessarily agree but I was looking for other views besides my own and it has given me some food for thought.

The double standard thing has always puzzled me, I dont get why women are sluts if they freely admit to liking sex and have had several partners...but men are legends if they shag numerous women....even better if they do a couple in a nite :p

i think its different if the girl has had sex with guys she still hangs around and sees a lot then it can be a bit weird. if a girl said to me,
"ive had sex with 20 guys over the passed 3 years, i cant remember their names or faces". id be like "as long as im 21 and theres no 22 until we're through"

Anybody who would come right out and ask a woman how many men she has been with does not deserve an answer. That should be a huge red flag to you, and you can bet that if you are stupid enough to talk about your history to him, you are going to regret it. Another red flag is if he persists in asking "Am I the best you have ever had?" or "Who was the best lover you ever had?" Lose him, no matter what your answer is you will never hear the end of it.

Of course it is different if you are with your life partner or, at the least, with somebody who knows you so well in every other way and shares himself with you and not just his "free time". When a person has been with you for a while and you have some "history" of your own together, he or she will come to talk with you about past experiences as a matter of course, and it will not be an inquisition. Even then, each person should have the right to their privacy if they choose to invoke the privilege. If you are sleeping with somebody and do not even have a clue whether they did the entire Seventh Fleet, you might have other things to worry about. But otherwise, let it be.

I agree with Smoothtalker - The circumstances surrounding the situation are as, if not more, important than the number of partners, of course age will also have a major impact. Theres a huge sifference between being 20 and having had 10 partners whereas someone who is 40 with the same number. Then again it is a good indicator of your lifestyle choices. Either way, the past can and usually is a good indicator of the future.

What I'd really like to know is the gender of the past partners ;)

i'm jealous. my wife and i are moving to aussie soon, but new zealand sounds WONDERFUL !!!

Im glad my SO has no interest in knowing my number. I dont even know my number, I just know I dont like it. What he does know is that Ive never had more than one partner at a time (meaning I never cheated....), and I was safe, and that I get a clean bill of health every year...

Thats what is important...

I think a lot of women regret their highschool/college days... If I could ignore those days my number would immidiately drop down to 3, including my boyfriend....

Now there's a great way to start a relationship. :rolleyes:

Definition of a slut: A woman that fucks everyone.
Definition of a bitch: A woman that fucks everyone but you. ;)

As far as I'm concerned, as long as they are disease free, I'm unconcerned with the number of partners. If anything, maybe they can teach me something.

I have some questions for you all... does someone of the same sex count in your number? And what is a lot of partners for a woman to have? Is it like a ratio, where 10 in 10 years is good, but 10 in 1 year is bad type thing? What is good and bad as far as ratios are concerned?

I don't think that it should count, if you WANT it to count, then count it....but if not, don't worry about it. I'm sure some people would consider it countable...and some not...a matter of opinion.

So here's another question for the group...If someone should meet someone and they are honest with the other person about the past, and it just so happens that there ISN'T a clean bill of health, what would be your response to this person. Is there enough feelings toward that person to stay by them, or do you split? And they didn't get that "thing" from being promiscuous, but just past partners were never honest with them. Is this getting confusing yet?

Uhuh Sully, I'm confused...dont worry though, it happens easily :blush:

Anyways, Iggy, I would say same sex counts...if it was a sexual act. Dunno about a number, it seems a tough call.

It doesnt phase me in the least, so I wouldnt care or ask the number of my partner.

10 in 10 years? shit, I dont know, too many other things come into play. What if you had a partner for 9 years and 11 months, then just went out and screwed around a bit?

Too hard :right:

When in doubt, shut your mouth seems to be a good thing.

Sully, would depend on the "thing" for me and my feelings towards the guy.

I would like to say I would stay around regardless, but..well..I'm not perfect.

I didn’t really think it counted, but I wanted to know other’s opinions on it too.

Hmmm… I think it really depends on the circumstances Sully. If the person is comfortable with it, then I think that they should stick around. Also, if you are being honest with them then they should stick around. My response would depend on several things. Like how long I knew them, what wasn’t clean about them, and if there was any way I could keep from getting it.

I think that if the person got it from a dishonest partner, it would make me more likely to be willing to do something with them. But the fear of catching it would still be there. There is a huge difference between being promiscuous and having dated a dishonest person.

Not confusing at all. I can only speak for myself here. It depends a lot on waht they had...If its HIV or AIDS, I doubt I would continue the relationship. It is sad, but Im being honest. I want a family eventually and contracting AIDS wouldnt help. If it was anything else and I enjoyed the persons company, I would continue to see them but would probably refrain from any kinda real sexual contact until we were totally commited. After that...play it safe. I wouldnt end a relationship because of it.

Its a sad fact that in this day in age, a very large portion of the population has had an STD. Some are more serious than others... I just wouldnt judge someone for it and risk missing out on a great relationship.

Also, its not always promiscuity OR dishonesty. There are some STDS like HPV (warts) that are really only detectable if you have an outbreak. People can be a carrier and never have an outbreak...therefor infecting someone without even knowing it.

Thanks for the thoughts, I had trouble with this in one relationship and couldn't figure out what to do exactly. Luckily, I didn't HAVE to find out because the relationship ended on other terms that had nothing to do with STD's or anything of the sort.

So what I'm hearing people say is that if it's something extreme like AIDS or HIV, that would alter the relationship, but for the most part, if it's an STD, and the relationship is honest and good, you'd stick around? I'd hope so if the feelings are there. That was one thing that he was worried about, worried about not being able to find anyone because of this virus. I've read several articles and statistics before...and you'd be AMAZED about the percentage of people, even college aged students, that have these diseases. About 2/3 of all college students have this. Amazing isn't it?

My feeling is this: You're obsessed with the number of men/women I've slept with? Go fuck yourself.

Just my feeling on the matter.

Then tell the guy to go fuck himself. At least you're being honest. Don't lie to him.

My comment was about the lying not about whether the number of partners is important. Lying is a surefire way to torpedo a relationship.

Could I just hear about the women? :o

and see the pictures?

Funny, I've actually had quite a problem with this for the past two months. I was dating this wonderful girl for about two years. Initially, she told me she had slept with 13 guys previous (we're both 23 for the record). My feelings were, sheesh that's a lot of people, but I didn't say anything to her. I didn't want to make her feel bad or act like a judgemental prick. I was actually impressed that she was able to be honest with me about it.

Unfortunately, I found out about two months ago that she's actually been with 23 different people. YIKES! I discovered the lie when I found out that she had slept with one of my roommates good friends a few years back. It brought out the worst in me and I started quizing her on the subject and watched in horror as her number went from 13 to 15, 16, 18, 20 and finally 23.

My opinion on sexual history is this. It is history, but it if you love someone there shouldn't be lies. I wouldn't have liked hearing 23 early on, just as I didn't like hearing about 13. However, I initially loved that she was so honest. In the end, I broke up with her not because of her promiscuous past, but because the lie seriously fractured my ability to trust her. The lesson here, if you're not comfortable discussing sexualy history say, "I want to start with a clean slate and I don't think this is relevant to our relationship."
Say anything, but don't lie. My ex lied about it at least 7 times. She didn't understand that the number isn't what mattered, I just wanted to hear the truth.

the truth is ALL ways best , the lies will fall apart eventualy ( spellin )

Pman - your best response at finally hearing the magical number 23 would have been, "ok, now we've covered your family... how many non-family members have you been with."
then again, i'm not exactly the relationship guru these days.

pman-wow...I'm really impressed. That reflects on so much of your character. Compliments to whoever raised you and taught you well. Your value of honesty and integrity are high, which is rare to find in this day. I think we need more people like that, especially since this is what society has to deal with now. If more people were open and honest, forgiving and accepting, I think things would be a heck of a lot different. She would have been so lucky to have someone like you in her life, but because of her choices, it costed her. Thanks for the story..it's given hope to those of us who haven't met anyone like that before!

I never really kept count of my sexual partners but one day the girls and I were having drinks and it came up as a topic of conversation. We all ended up sitting around counting out the different blokes we'd been with and we were all amazed to realize that we'd all been with far more men than we'd have said if asked the question and the answer had been expected on the spot. I know I for one was reminded of one or two who I'd 'forgotten' about for one reason or another.

I would say that I've had a fairly colourful past as far as sexual partners is concerned, but I don't think it's really anyone's business but my own. If someone asked me how many men I'd been with - and it has been asked before by men I'm no longer with - I'd say, enough to know how to please you, but not enough to know how to please your father.

It's true though that women who have had multiple partners are viewed differently than men with the same figures. But the people that matter don't judge you for it, and that's the important thing. If someone can't accept you for who you are and where you've been, then they're not worth having anyway.

If you get into the conversation, you need to tell the truth... If you don't plan on telling to truth you need to say so. "None of your business" or "I don't want to say/talk about it". If you lie, you get what you deserve when it comes out.

I'm not a fan of promiscuous behavior for men or women. However, I know there's a double standard and that's not cool. I'll just say this -there are some reasons for that double standard. In general, women have far more opportunities for sex. By nature, men are usually the pursuer when it comes to sex (notice I said usually, there are definitely exceptions to the rule).

With that being said, men (at least those looking for a relationship and not a one night stand) prefer those ladies that show some restraint when it comes to sex. We know that most women could go out every night and find a willing guy to do the nasty with (that's a scientific term). As crass and unfair as it is, most guys I know tend to separate women into two categories: those you take home to see Mom, and those you take home for the night.

When it comes to a long-term relationship, men want to be with those women that have shared their bodies with only a few deserving people. It makes us feel like we're getting something special. Is it stupid? Maybe. Egotistical and unfair? Probably. But that's the way it is. When it comes to serious relationships, men will always prefer women that have been more selective over those women with a more promiscuous past.

Ahh , but experence RULES !!! on both sides !!!
" No I don't like to do that , BUT I do like to do this !!! "

P-Man...I don't think it's fair of you to suggest that 'men will always prefer women that have been more selective over those women with a more promiscuous past'. For one thing, I don't think you can speak for all men. That implies that you think your moral views are superior to others. For another thing, I know for a fact that your statement is not true.

Definitely not true.

I wouldn't get too pissed off at a woman who threw me a white lie on her number, early in the relationship. To do so, is admitting there is a double standard, then almost arbitrarily punishing the woman for living according to it.

The point at which the double standard doesn't apply and honesty is the rule, is the point at which I make clear, as a man, that I don't work by this double standard, and don't care if the number is 3 or 30 or 300 because the past is the past. If she still lies at that point, there is a problem in the relationship.

OK, sorry if I caused a little stir there. Among the guys I know, that's definitely the preference though. That's not to say that none of us will date a woman with a past. Just to say that given a choice (and all other factors being equal) the guys that I know would rather date a woman who hasn't been promiscuous. I also don't think that it's a stretch to say that most men would prefer a less promiscuous women.

I'm not saying that it's a deal breaker. Would I trade in a promiscuous girl that treats me like gold for a virgin that treats me like crap? Hell no. First, I don't want a virgin, secondly, that's just not a good trade. All I'm saying is that given a choice, most guys I know (there's your disclaimer) prefer to seriously date girls who have been selective. Sorry if I've offended everyone. NOt my intention.

this whole discussion supports my belief that it is ridiculous to even have that conversation. who cares who has been with how many in their past? important questions are:

1) are you disease free?
2) are you sleeping with anyone else right now?
3) monogamy, yes or no?

I agree, it can definitely be a touchy subject. The original poster asked "Do guys really care about a girls sexual history?" My feelings are, yes to a degree we do care. I wouldn't be thrilled about a girl who has slept with tons of guys and given the choice, would prefer to marry someone who has showed some more restraint. HOWEVER, honesty is WAY more important than ones past.

I would take a woman with 35 partners that could tell me honestly any day of the week over a woman with 6 partners who lies and tells me 3. Would I love the fact that the woman has been with 35? No, I (and many guys I'm sure) would prefer less of a sexual history. But honesty is one thing that I treasure.

I guess I'm of the school of thought where I don't want any subject to be off limits with the woman I marry. That doesn't mean that I need or want explicit details, just an honest answer. Trust is paramount.

I'm going with P-Man, in that most guys want to know if the woman they're with has had sex with anyone he'll be running into in his normal course of events.

Nobody wants to show a picture of his new sweetheart around at the sports bar and have them say, "Oh, we had her." or "I've got a video of her."

So if her former lovers remain faceless strangers it doesn't(shouldn't) matter.

In the same vein, I doubt many women want a guy that's screwed all her girlfriends. :2cents:

I've never dated a girl with any sexual history at all, to tell the truth, so... I guess I dont have any real input to give here at all.

Only in pursuit of revenge against a girlfriend. It's in the rulebook, page 14, third paragraph, the one under the illustration.

I want to know all - if I'm told a bit

But I'de rather not know a thing - If i'm not told anything

I have a incestrous lil group. One of my best friend married my old boyfriend, my other friend has dated 2 of the guys I have been with.

Such things dont bother me so much.

I haven't run into this at all (20yo, first year of eng. school no time for sex), but maybe I can offer a new angle. I see alot of girls who are taking the approach of "I'm in college and I've got a great body so I'm going to sleep around a bit. Later on I'll look for a guy I really want a relationship with. However, this leads to the following problem. The nice guys who treat women well and don't toss them out with the morning garbage do not take kindly to being told to wait on the sidelines till you've had your fun. Trust me, we don't take kindly to being passed over because she wanted to brag about banging the 1st string quarterback. People do not change radically in 4-5 years, and the best way to predict a persons future is to know their past.

That's not true engineer.....you're setting the "double standard" for those girls. Guys do that all the time, and what happens to the nice girls? They finish last as well. It flows both ways honey....and if you don't see that, well, there's something wrong with you! Guys in college always look for the first bang they can get, they take it even if she doesn't wanna give it. Nice girls finish just the same as nice guys. The girls that want to have the relationships are tricked by "nice guys". Guys that SAY they wanna settle down, but in all reality they just want one thing, even if that means they have to work at it or wait for it, they'll do whatever it takes to get it and when they do, they kick the girls to the curb.
And about people changing over time, it's possible, VERY possible. I've known several people, girls and guys, that were promiscuous in college, but have settled down after graduating and decided that they finally want a real relationship and be serious. Just because they decided to be free sexually early on doesn't mean that reflects what the future holds. In fact, if you ask me, it tells NOTHING about the future, maybe just that they know how to please!

I see a problem here that everyone, including myself, is painting views with broad brushes. People are individuals, all different, all unique.

Therefore the question that was first posed, really can't be answered. :smack:

:blush:

Exactly, Sully's description was insulting to everyone and not my experience at all. I married my college girlfriend while still in school, we dated for three years and are still married thirteen years later.

"Guys in college always look for the first bang they can get, they take it even if she doesn't wanna give it." (kinda sounds like rape doesn't it?)

-From my experience, that's not really true. I will graduate this Sunday from The Ohio State University and after spending five years here (I had to stretch the typical four year program), I've learned a thing or two. Almost every guy I know is looking for love. Not just a quick bang. Not just a night of pleasure.

However, most of us are incapable of turning down easy sex. Only problem with easy sex is afterwards, it takes the girl out of the running for potential girlfriend material. Me and my friends know that if we got it easy, chances are that there's a lot of other guys that are getting it easy. And that's not attractive among my circle of friends.

This is an ongoing discussion between me and my guy friends. Where have all the good girls gone? Where are the women that make you wait for sex? The ones that make you earn their respect before they give up their body? Those are the ones we want to settle down with. Guys like a girl that challenges them. Me and my friends respect those girls more and when it comes down to it, those are the ones that we'll probably marry.

ITS All About Character
 

The issues of sexuality between men and women will always be unequal. Not because of any social, cultural or inheriting condition but because of biology.

Women CHOOSE!
Men wait to be chosen

It is this 180 degree difference that gives rise to the false impression of a double standard. It’s not a double standard but a fact of our biology.

Sex does not take place unless a criminal act occurred or the women choose to agree to sex. This reproductive power is a Darwinian evolutionary response. Women have culled the gene pool for millions of years through this sexual power of choice.

A women that sleeps around is consider a slut because of the low moral character that defines there use of there sexual advantage. This reckless use of power and contempt for it is a character issues that will arise through out there life in the form of critical decision making around many other of life’s challenges and is reflective of there values and beliefs. All of us are walking billboard displays of our values and beliefs.

Furthermore, there is the issue of bonding. A woman that has many sexual partners is unlikely to ever form deep physical or spiritual bonding with a man. The divorce rate is over 50% and its rise in our culture runs parallel to women’s so called “sexual revolution.” Statistics show that 80% of divorces are imitated by women.

Men do not deserve the reputation of “players.” A small, very small, minority does but the attitude that men do it so its ok if I do it is fatuous. Most men want a deep committed relationship so they can have a steady supply of sex. Ask most men if they would choose sparse and random sexual encounters or steady tail, they will choose the steady tail 9 X out of 10. Men are vastly less promiscuous as women and have been for eons.

The biggest secret women hold is there sexual history. If men knew the real number they would be shocked. For every 1 sexual partner a women admits to, multiply that by 5. Its that sexual power thing. Women have it and men don’t. A 30 year old American woman is likely to have had 30 to 50 sexual partners. An American woman at age 25 could have as high as 30.

Think of women’s sexuality like a bank. Women own the bank. They can write checks anytime they want as much as they want anywhere they want. Men are like borrowers that have to apply for a loan. Men have to show the bank they are worthy of the loan and deserve credit.

Any bank that gives away the store doesn’t appear to be a solvent concern and the decision process of the banker displays the banker’s character and moral center. Can the banker change? Sure. But like any thing else’s we value in life your history makes a difference. Your schools wants to know the history or your academic achievements, your employer your work record, the government your civil obedience. History matters.

Sorry girls, with great power goes greater responsibility.