tired of drama
 

Did you ever just wish your life was normal?? I am so emotionally exhausted these days from stuff that is going on with my boyfriend that I just want to sleep for days. I find myself on the brink of tears half the time because I won't let myself cry when I need to so it creeps out at other times.

Wow - I just read that and realized how it sounds. Before I get questions, no he hasn't done anything to me, it is just the situation that he is in and the fact that I am the only one who is making every effort to help him. Even his mother won't do anything. She isn't even nice to him on the phone and constantly bitches at him.

I wasn't trained to be a laywer!! I don't know what the crap is going on anymore! It's like I am in this big whirlwind that I can't get out of!!

Maybe you should see a doctor? I recall a thread about your boyfriend and he's in jail, right? It must be hellish on you. So overwhelmed. If you don't have money there are Crisis Centers in every American city. Go there. What are you doing currently to keep yourself putting one foot in front of the other?

My thoughts are with you.

Currently, the only thing that is keeping me doing all this stuff is that if I don't, no one else will. No one cares enough apparently. I actually just got a letter from him that helped ALOT.

It's just that it seems like the world just wants him to rot in there when he should've been out last week. No one is really helping me at all. I never believed people when they said that the legal system sucks, but man does it ever! Meanwhile the junkie that lives next door to him that was on probation for drugs got caught with paraphanalia (sp?) in a well known durg neighborhood and was in there less than 5 days.

Thanks for your thoughts

You're on a rollercoaster. First, you are despondent and overwhelmed, then, you get a letter from him and you're fine and it's all worth it.

Good luck.

Is that because he explained things you didn't know and had filled in the blanks with your imagination? :confused:

No, I know everything that he knows. It mainly said that he really appreciated what I was doing and that even though he was in there, he knows it won't be forever and that he is actually thinking about what he's been doing and what he wants to do.

No, I got the letter before I posted. I still feel overwhelmed. I will feel overwhelmed until this whole thing is done. It made me feel better because it made me see that he did appreciate the whirlwind I am in and that he isn't planning something stupid for when he gets out. He is going to get his life into shape and grow up. I still don't see an end to this yet. I have 2 more calls to make at least if not more before I even see an end coming and it's driving me nuts.

I have backed away from a few men who were in my life and I'm just chilling. Healing up. It feels strange not to be at someone's beck and call, and have to shoulder their problems, with no appreciation.

But you could try it. Break away for a month. From where I'm sitting, I recommend it. I even feel a quilty pleasure from so much freedom!

bbro has waaaaay too much invested in him now. She is unable to break away.

You have to come to grips with reality.
You can promise, threaten, cajole, wave your naughty bits or bake him cookies, but there is no future "we" without him doing his part.

You're being ready, willing and able just isn't enough, if he can't get his shit together. He's got to want it....he's got to do it.

Remember the third part ......the part about being smart enough to tell the difference between the things you can and cannot do anything about.

Knitting, goldfish training or learning the Bagpipes, will keep you occupied in the meantime.... it'll also teach you patience. :D

It's not that I wouldn't break away, but if I do, then he will be stranded with no one to help him. I just can't abandon people like that.

this I do realize. That is why even though he wants to high tail it to where I am as soon as he can with all his wordly posessions, I told him that we are going to do this slow. He is going to wrok for a few months up there and settle everything he needs to, get a mode of transportation, then come down here for a little bit. Once he is here, he must find a job. If it all works out, we will see how it goes for a couple of months, then decide if that living situation is one we both want. If he won't do all of what I said, then it will not happen.


The basic problem now is that he is still in jail. He should have been out on August 1st, but no one can tell me why he is there. I am not paying hundreds of dollars for a lawyer, but from what I can see, that is the only way to get anything done. The pubic defenders office is unresponsive. His Parole Officer won't talk to me and the judge hasn't gotten back to me from whan I called on Friday. This is the situation that is bothering me. It just seems that when I get an inch, I am knocked back a couple of feet. The thing that I am finding the hardest to deal with is that no one seems to fucking care, but me.

No one as in his family, etc., or no one as in the legal community? The legal community are like dogs...they only hear the high, long whistle of money.

Well, his family isn't really the supportive type of family. His mother just constantly bitches at him and tells him she doesn't care if he stays in there for another 6 months. The legal community only wants money, but the public servants - judge, PO, anyone else - can't be bothered with it.

Why has his family abandoned him? He screw them over once too many, or, are they just 'bad' people?

From what I gather, they just aren't the supportive type, I don't think they abandodned him, I don't think they were ever really around. I never met most of them. His mother is just a bitch. No matter what he does, she always bitches at him. She bitches cause he didn't make dinner, then she'll bitch because he didn't make the right thing, then bitch because he didn't do the dishes.

It just seems like a bad environment all the way around.

I have chosen not to play games any longer, I give warning then stop.
There are a lot fewer people in my life now but I am much happier!

See, here's the thing. We teach people how to treat us. Our own expectations and boundaries indicate to others how far they can push us. If we don't draw the line and say here is where what's good for you conflicts with what is good for me, they'll generally assume they can keep on taking.

In addition, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we really are of very little use to anyone else. An emotionally, physically and financially drained person can't effectively help or assist anyone.

Sometimes people don't draw the line or say 'enough' because giving to others feels good, because they expect something in return, or they simply aren't attuned enough to their own needs to know when giving has become detrimental to their well being.

Engaging in other people's drama is a choice. You have the right to say no and/or to walk away. It is not your responsibility to 'fix' another person's problems. Sympathy and empathy are all well and good, but when you become so enmeshed in another person's individual issues that they become yours, you've lost sight of what is healthy.

Stormie

Amen, Stormi. Amen.

I agree Stormie. I guess my problem is that I can't just abandond someone I care about. Basically, if I don't try, there won't be anyone else to. I am not necessarily trying to fix the problem. Just help out. I guess it just kills me to know that someone is completely alone when they don't necessarily have to be.

I got way more involved when the lawyer decided to not help anymore. They had an agreement about payment and all that, but the lawyer decided that he wanted money. After two weeks of telling us things that didn't happen, he wanted paid.

I try to say no, but if I didn't help, no one else would have. I would never want to be in that position.

I guess I am just too soft-hearted for my own good.

O. M. G.

don't let that disuade you, though.. Fight! Fight!~ fight for the right of all of us..to...do...look! We warned you heathens!!!

And, so on.

I'm quoting this post because it bears reading a second time......and a third. Just short of having tattooed on your forearm.:thumb2:

OK, you're a softy, but not stupid. You've thinking, using your head, got a plan.
That's not the same as leading with your heart, and blindly thrashing about like a pinball. Good for you!

Being a "girlfriend" carries no weight with the "public servants" (oxymoron). I'm pretty sure there are actually legal restrictions on the judge about discussing his case with you.

Quite often prisoner release is delayed for no discernible reason other than they didn't get to it. Could be some clerk's on vacation. What's he going to do, say, "You didn't release me on time, so I'm staying...I won't go."?
You can inquire and remind them, but they call the shots, so don't let it make you nuts. You've got more important things to make you nuts. :lol:

Good luck and keep us posted on your mental health....ok?

Surprisingly Bruce, they have no problems giving me the information once they get around to getting it. Scary, huh?

I am trying not to let it take control. I even told him last night that I was tired of this. I am going to try a little more this week, but after that, I just physically, emotionally, whateverally, can't anymore.

He made his bed.......

His life is the consequence of his actions. He is using you.

You deserve better.

Let's see,
He is in jail.
Everyone who knows him or has gotten to know him (except you) has written him off as a loss.

He is a lowlife.

Dump him now and be done with it.

Unless of course you have been in prison?

Then stay with him, but do society a favor and don't reproduce.

Whew... that's harsh. Just because he's in jail does not make him worth the world leaving him to his own devices. Yes, he's obviously done something wrong and should be punished justly for it. But does that warrant the judgment of "lowlife?"

And as a member of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program, I've seen plenty of wonderful children who have come from families where one or both parents have been in jail at some point. They should not be written off because of the mistakes of their parents.

Bbro, keep your chin up and your eyes open. For now, you're doing what you feel is right, and that's honorable. Fight the good fight until you can't anymore, and when it's all said and done, you'll have no one to answer to but yourself.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Yeah, I admit, it's harsh. I also don't believe in third chances and it sounds like this guy has had quite a few more. Why would a (self described) caring person waste time on something like that when they can get someone better who will appreciate their caring nature?

Yes you can get good children from homes with a criminal in them but it is definitely the minority. They produce what they are.

"Yeah, I admit, it's harsh. I also don't believe in third chances and it sounds like this guy has had quite a few more. Why would a (self described) caring person waste time on something like that when they can get someone better who will appreciate their caring nature?"

Not only that, but all the expended effort and time could be better spent on someone who may be more deserving and benefit from it creating a positive string instead of a dead end.

I'm sorry, I am not sure where you get the third chance thing? He is not a lowlife criminal like you would think. He didn't murder anyone, he didn't steal from anyone, he just made a stupid mistake.

I don't think he will be a dead end. He has a lot of good chance to get a good job where I am. He has a job for when he gets out already lined up. In fact, he has 2.

His family has never been there for him, neither has his mother. And no, he doesn't have many close friends because he never gave enough of himself up to have them. The ones he did have when I met him, he has distanced himself slightly because they are not doing things that I approve of.

MsSparkie - I would say he is using me too except that when I told him I couldn't do eveything there is to do anymore, he stopped asking. Last night when I talked to him, he didn't even ask if I made any calls or anything. We just chatted.

Just don't wear yourself out, because then you can't help him or yourself.
Follow your heart and cover your ass, ok? ;)

Excellent. I may borrow this--do you mind?

bbro. There's a obviously a strong connection between you and this man. It's heartbreaking to love someone and know that they are alone in the world.

It's a terrible thing when parents have no caring for their children and it usually leads to those children having great difficulties later on: be that a difficulty in forming strong bonds as adults; a crushing sense of their own lack of worth; a determination never to let themselves be hurt again or a destructive streak that leads them to make errors in judgement which land them in trouble.

All of this can make such a person emotionally dangerous, but that doesn't mean they are not worth fighting for. You're the only one who knows if this fight is a worthwhile one, likely to result in a peaceful victory or an exercise in futility destined to rob you of years of your life and leave you wishing.

My advice, is to be careful and caring. Be there for him. But also be there for yourself. His troubles are not your troubles, but that doesnt mean you can't help him to overcome them. Just be sure that you are helping him with open eyes, you certainly sound like you are. Be ready to gently disengage, if you get the sense it is a bottomless pit.

Will do Bruce, nice saying - did you come up with that :)

Dana - wow, seems like you have been in this situation. You described him almost perfectly. That is why I want to get him away from his mother so that he can see he is worth something.

Thanks for all the replies - I do appreciate them. It helps me to think if this is a right thing I am doing or not.

Yeah, it's the reader's digest version of the two trains of thought I had. ;)

Spending a lot of time around high recidivist criminals has taught me a number of things.

A couple of posts downstream from here you post things like "he doesn't know why he is there" and "his Parole Officer won't talk to me."

This tells me two things. First, the fact that he already has a Parole (not Probation) officer indicates that he is a career criminal. He has been in prison before, and instead of getting out and being put on probation, he is on Parole, which is a higher level of monitoring, and likely on a state or federal level of crime rather than county.

Second, his not knowing why he was placed in a correctional facility is bullshit. The rules of the game allow him to claim innocence or lack of responsibility, but everybody in jail or prison knows what their originating charges are.

You may derive some type of thrill for hanging out with a bad boy, but what's this doing to you?

I'm sorry, I have not been clear and careful in my postings. He has a probation officer - I always get them mixed up (I always assumed there was no difference until recently). He was on probation for a DUI. He violated the probation and that is why he is in there, but he doesn't know why he is still in there. His PO promised him he would not be in jail past his total 90 days (Aug 1st)

Many times I have wondered what attracted me to him. It actually isn't the bad boy thing. I actually don't like it too much. He's gotten himself under control a lot since we started getting serious. I like what I see when he is just with me. He is kind, tender, loving, and makes me feel worth something. Like no one has ever done before. We have been through a lot in out soon to be 1 year together and no matter what we always seem to not be able to stay away. Everytime we may have had a fight or done something REALLY stupid (me), when we were back together it was better than before.

Sorry, I guess I am rambling now.

*smiles* you clearly love him, and he sounds like he is just a bit messed up to me. I get the impression Wolf tends to think the worst of people who have fallen foul of the system. Probably comes from working with people who really are dangerously on the edge....(or hurtling over the edge.) Don't be put out by her unwillingness to give this guy a break. I have no doubt she's seen many young women like you hurt by 'badboys' and probably seen many women attracted to those men for all the wrong reasons.

What's important is: does he treat you with kindness and respect? Do you feel like you are both equals within the relationship? do you fulfil each others' needs? is he worth it? are you?

It's always difficult to tell from forum posts, but my instinct is saying this lad is just a bit off the rails and with some pretty good reasons. Not every guy who needs rescuing is a lost cause and not every 'badboy' stays that way. Growing up is hard enough, but when your family isn't a part of that, if they're making you doubt your own worth, then sometimes that growing up takes a little longer and is more painful.

You've been with him a year you say? *smiles* the way you describe him and the way you describe your feelings for him, reminds me a lot of my first love. My only great love. We were together for 13 years. We split up but are still best friends. He was worth it, but we paid a great price at times. I don't know if I'd advise my younger self to stay the course, looking back. Then again, I don't know if I wouldn't. Of course, now we're both all grown up. He's a stable and gentle man and will make the right girl a wonderful husband :P

So you say it was a simple violation of his probation. Probation he was put on for DUI.

First - No one is caught the first time they are DUI. Many of us (me included) believe that people that commit DUI are just murderers that have been lucky enough not to kill anyone yet.

Second - What was his violation? DUI again? Something else? You haven't mentioned it. And this whole "we don't know why he is still there" is just annoying.

Oh, by the way, a good user will know when to back off and let the guilt settle in so you will continue to help and he can continue to leech off of you.

Out of interest bbro, how old is he?

Dana - There is only one time that we didn't get along (when I messed it all up), he wanted to hurt me, but when he saw what it was doing to me, he couldn't bring himself to do it, even though I deserved it (in my eyes). He has always been loving and honest with me. He didn't want to intentionally hurt me, but didn't lie to me to protect my feelings about what he saw happening with us in the very beginning of us. :) He is my first love. He is 36. When I met him, he had lost his job, had to move back with his mother, was dealing with a bad breakup and a whole bunch of stuff. I think I gave him some hope that life isn't so bad (At least I like to think so)

People that have been fucked over, and maybe even more so, for people who've provided a shoulder to others that have been damaged, tend to build a list of flags/signs/patterns that indicate bad behavior. We all do it to some extent, it's only natural. It's also natural to add to, or modify, that list by applying personal pet peeves and hot buttons.

Some people become a walking, talking, early warning system, but as someone once said, if your looking for trouble, you'll find it.

Keeping in mind that every person and every situation is unique, will temper the temptation to condemn everyone that sets off your alarms. After all, those alarms should be cautions not automatic convictions.

In affairs of the heart, use your head, but don't discard your gut. The gut feelings, sixth sense, vibes, what ever you call it, are a valuable resource when balanced with rational/logical thinking.

Besides, it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all....as long as you practice damage control. :2cents:

She wants him, so she will have him. So let her learn. She came here seeking advice, yet she is ignoring it. It's her heart and checkbook, why care.

This guy is a repeat screw up....his mother washed her hands of him for Pete's sake...that alone is an alarm that is the most loud.

She'll be here next year screaming emotional victim of a relationship gone bad or something.

Hi, Kayami. Welcome.

I agree with your post 100%. Nothing we can say or point out as Bad Omens will dissuade her--as you said, she wants him. She tells us all the things that went wrong/bad and then backtracks--oh, those wrong/bad things were HER fault! He's truly a victim! His mother is bad, not him! Poor, poor baby. She's not nearly tired of the drama. Not nearly.

First time DUI's don't go to jail (if it's a simple DUI); what condition of probation did he manage to violate?; how old are you? (you said he was 36) and how much money have you spent on him?

I think there are some possible warning signals here; however, the fact that his mother washed her hands of him may be more indicative of her being a bad mother than his having screwed up so much. The reason he is so unhappy and given to self destruction may be due to her lack of mothering. Personally I am instantly suspicious of any mother who wold 'wash her hands' of her child, regardless of their age or how much they fuck things up. In my view, your mother is the one person on the planet that you should be able to rely upon. She's the one who should love you unconditionally.

Nope, Bbro has not reached her limit of drama. Some people complain about it, but are addicted to the excitement it brings. So they continue to stay involved and even stir the drama pot themselves from time to time.

DanaC, unconditional love doesn't mean continuing to bail (pun intended) the person you love out of their scrapes time after time. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let them face the consequences of their actions and learn a lesson or two.

Stormie

That's true enough. But I know enough people whose parents just didn't love them to know that it happens. I also know the devastating effect that can have on a person's self esteem. The effects don't stop just because someone reaches their majority.

Well, we don't know what the story is with his mother and I doubt we will ever know. What bbro knows is probably filtered thru the boyfriend and he may not be a reliable witness. I know plenty of people who say "mom and dad don't love me" as an excuse to continue doing what they are doing.

*nods* that also is true of many people.

I think my point really, was that we cannot use the Mother's unwillingness to help him/love him as evidence of his being beyond help. She may be a loving mother who has finally had enough of his antics. She may be one of those women who just didn't bond with her baby and left him emotionally bereft throughout his growing up.

He may or may not be on a journey towards self realisation in which bbro can help or provide a necessary anchor, or he may be in a cycle of self-destruct and denial which will (or has) draw her in and make her part of his destruction. It's impossible to tell really, from what she has said here.

I would suggest she needs to be as self aware as she can possibly be whilst involved with this man. She may be right about him and be the one to provide him the support he's lacked thus far in his life. She may be catastrophically wrong about him in which case she needs to be ready to bail out before he has a chance to drag her too far into his destructive pattern.

If someone will not help themselves you cannot help them.

very true. But if someone has reached the point in their life where they really do want to try and help themselves, you can offer support (moral at least)

True, if they are actually willing to make changes & not just talk about it.

Change, real change, is so very difficult to maintain. As human beings, we almost always revert back to the familiar, no matter how nasty it is.

Bri, that has a horrible ring of truth to it.

glad we agree on something! ;)

Oh shug, we agree on lots! .....we aso disagree on lots and that's usually more fun :P

I never said that he didn't fuck up. I know he did, but the sentance is more than should have been dealt given the crime. It was also his probation officer saying one thing and doing another. I didn't come on here for advice on whether or not to dump him, I just wanted to be able to unload on some people I thought would be the last to pass judgement because no one here is innocent.

When I said that there was something my fault, that was in response to DanaC's questions. In that particular incident, it was my fault, and that has no bearing on the happenings right now.

And about his mother, it is not just what he tells me, it is what I see myself. She is a royal bitch. No matter what he does, she bitches at him and expects him to be at her beck and call. He has never once said that she is the reason he has made mistakes. He takes the blame for them.

But like I said, I never wanted this to be about whether or not I should stay with him.

No I won't.

Bbro - relax a little - many here are genuinely concerned and you may have taken their comments out of context. They/We have lived a lot of life and are just giving you honest, unbiased opinions. Take 'em or leave 'em its up to you. By the way - no one here is passing judgement on anyone - at least not that I have seen in my time.
By the way - you said he was 36, how old are you again??
Good luck with everything.

What did he do? You won't say. All you say is that the punishment didn't fit the crime--that's what everybody in jail says: I'm being unfairly treated. I didn't really think I'd go to jail for not following the rules! Look, you're on probation, you keep your nose spotlessly clean. (and I've been on probation--it was enough for me, thanks) It's supposed to be a wakeup call and guess what? He didn't wake up.

Stay with him, by all means. It sounds like true love.

The point is you are both where you are now, right now. Cannot change the past & we can't discuss things you are only going to talk around.
What is he going to do to change his actions from now on?
No drugs, no alcohol abuse, perfect behavior while inside, constant job while out?
If that is the case, I see no issue. If his mother does not believe he has changed, then it is time to move on.

Next time I will

So, i was right, then. You just wanted us to pat you on the head.


Consider it done.

(In the interest of full disclosure, bbro quoted a post I made and I was trying to re-quote it and it got deleted by me. I didn't mean to delete it. --but she quoted the meat of my post and I did ask her, again, to tell us her age, which she has not and, I suppose, will not)