Another Fight
 

Okay. So my girlfriend and I just got in another fight. This is like, the eighth time so far this month. The issue is always the same- She wants me to come out to my friends/family. It's not like we sneak around or anything. She lives in another city, and everyone over there knows she's gay, and her friends/family are okay with it. So when we go out, it's in her town. She sometimes comes over my house, but because I haven't officially come out as bi or anything, we just don't act like a couple over here. My mom doesn't know we're dating or anything, she just thinks she's a friend.

Normally everything's fine, but lately we keep getting in fights over this. She says things like I'm ashamed of her, or us, but I'm not! I'm just not ready to come out yet. When I meet new people in college I'll officially come out, but I just don't think my friends will be able to handle it. Mostly because I really only have friends of convenience.

We've broken up a couple times over this, but usually only for a couple days. Not real break-ups, just sort of she leaves in a huff or I do, and then one or the other calls and we apologize and kiss and make up. But I feel awful making her hide it when we're around my friends and stuff, especially since she's been out since her freshman year. (She's a senior in high school, and I'm a junior.)

I don't know that any of you have been in this situation or could offer me any advice on it, but anything would help. I'm really getting sick of fighting, but I don't want to break up with her. It's hard enough with her going to college within the next year, and I don't want to come out and then have to face it all alone once she leaves. I really don't know what to do.

If you aren't ready. You aren't ready. Don't let her pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

It's not necessarily her pressuring me... It's just that she's sick of 'sneaking around', but I don't think that we are. Well, I mean, we are, kind of. But I don't know... I just kind of wanted an objective opinion on that, I guess.

You are only a junior in high school? You are still very young yet to be making lifelong decisions. I tried the bisexuality thing when I was your age (I'm 22, so not much older now). How do you feel about your sexuality? Are you sure that you are where you want to be with it? There is still plenty of time for you to figure all that out with yourself. I never "came out" to my family because I didn't think it was any of their business. Most of my friends knew because my girlfriend went to school with me and they saw us together. Some of my friends from other schools didn't know, but if they asked I would be honest.

As of right now my attraction to women is partly physical. I couldn't be happy living with just a woman, I need a man in my life. When I am with a woman it is a friend I have known for years and it is more of an extension of our relationship then just for the sex. I have a very unique relationship with my sexuality, at least from what I have seen of others.

I think you might need more time to figure out exactly what you feel about your sexuality. She should understand that and respect it.

Your sexuality is *yours*. If this is a love thing instead of a sex thing, then your partner needs to lighten up and stop creating problems by insisting that you come out. If it is just a sex thing, then toss it and find someone to do who has a little bit better view of the proverbial Big Picture.

It sounds to me as if *she* has a problem with her self-image if she's worried that you might be "ashamed" of her. She's projecting.

We haven't gotten into anything sexual yet besides a little heavy kissing. We talked about it and decided that's as far as we wanted to go as long as we were in high school.
But I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality as far as this goes... For me who I'm attracted to isn't as much a function of gender as it is their personality. And to me, my girlfriend is amazing. The reason I don't want to come out isn't because I'm not sure or anything. It's just I don't want to deal with all the issues my friends/family will have.

Basically the issue comes down to the fact that she thinks we're hiding the relationship, and we are, but I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Grah. I don't know. I just kind of need to vent about this, and this is one of the few places I can.

What IS the problem here?

It is that you are uncomfortable and not ready to reveal yourself to your friends/family at this time. This has nothing to do with her, it is all about you and your feelings. Sounds selfish, but it isn't. When you have sorted them out, they'll be sorted out. You are a teenager, you can't be expected to know everything all the time....though many teens think they do know it all. ;)
If this person cared for you, she would respect your feelings and fears in this matter. The same way you are respecting hers. She wants to not sneak-around...you understand and feel accordingly, but you cannot change the way things are until you are READY to face the results of the announcement.

I think she is pressuring you unnecessarily. She may be comfortable, but you aren't her...you're you. She needs to love you for who you are and not try to make you change to suit her timetable.

I'd be saying the same thing if this were a boy/girl or husband/wife relationship, too. Respect and love don't try to change people to suit their ideals at the cost of the other person. Period.
hh

Read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. And before anyone asks...yes books are my answer to everything because if they don't make you feel better you can always throw them at somebody. that is all. thankyou.

You're not hiding anything because you're not doing anything.
You do things together, hang out and talk with an occasional kiss. Not much the public would percieve as "couple" stuff, just seeing you together.

Sounds to me like your friend wants to rattle some cages at your expense. has she told her family?:confused:

Maybe your g/f is proud of you and wants everyone to know that you're together. Kind of a showing off my wonderful g/f type of thing? Maybe she wants to help you 'come out'? Maybe she wants to be there for you if your family is likely to give you a hard time. Maybe she's afraid that if you don't 'come out' you might all of a sudden decide to be with a boy instead. Life is confusing and a bit of a maze at the best of time, but even more so when you're still so young. Try to be patient with one another and talk about all aspects and consequences, not just the obvious ones. That's the only advice I have...pitiful as it is I'm sorry.

I'm bi, but I'll admit I've never dated one of the boyfolk, and I am out of the closet to everyone... except my family, so I can see where youre coming from here.

Just tell your girl that its very wrong of her to try to pressure you into anything youre not ready for, whether its publicly coming out or having sex or ANYTHING. Tell her that you WILL come out, but when the time is right. And tell her it would be beyond stupid to let a silly thing like that come between you. And I'm sure youve already done all of that so this was probably no help at all.

If'n y'don't mind m'askin', 'owlong've y'two been goin'out?

How the heck do you know if you are gay straight or bi at this point of your life?? You are what 16? 17? Gimme a break - you can't come out if you aren't sure. Duh! Maybe she wants you to come out cuz she doesn't want to be the only one - the old safety in numbers thing. Or perhaps you'll be a feather in her cap as in - "I converted nother one. Who knows? Thats the point - no one. But when you do you take the appropriate action for YOU, not her. Its your life and you have to live it - especially since she'll be gone in a year and you'll have to deal with the fallout - not her. Good luck.

Be true to yourself. You have to do what is best for you and if you're not ready, then you're not ready.

I doubt if you're secure enough in your sexual orientation at this early age anyway, even if you think you are. It's too soon, in my opinion, to place yourself firmly in one camp or another. Leave your options open until you are a bit older, wiser and more experienced. That doesn't necessarily mean your feelings will be different, just that you realize that maturity can bring change.

Obviously you care for your girlfriend and want to please her. I would suggest a compromise (which you seem to be doing by default). In her town, with people she knows, you will openly be her partner. But in your town and school, you will keep your relationship a secret. That way, you both get as well as give up a little of what you want.

Someone who cares about your feelings will respect them and be willing to work with you to come to a reasonable solution without pushing to have it all their way. And vice versa, of course. But ultimately, you must do what is best for you.


Stormie

morethanpretty: I almost checked that book out from the library the other day, but then I didn't. Is it that good?

bruce: She's been out to her friends/family for a while. I think maybe one or two of her former friends reacted badly, but for the most part they backed her. It helped that she's also very much with the drama crowd, and 2 of the guys we hang out with at her school are gay, and one other girl's bi.

Ibram: October 16 will be our one-year as a couple, but we've been friends for longer than that. And yeah, my mom definitely did not take it well when she found out she was right about me being bi.

yesman: I'm 16, and I know I'm bi because I'm attracted to girls? And it's definitely not a safety in numbers issue... Like I said above, she has other gay friends. Which is why I don't mind being out around them. But my school is a different story.

Yeah, I don't think much of anything is going to change. Stuff's probably just gonna keep playing out as it has been. It sucks, though.

I agree with Bruce...a little kissing doesn't make you a lesbian. I'm not real sure if it even makes you bi. It makes you a teenager playing about, figuring things out. Therefore, there really isn't much to come out *about*, so why the fuss?

Also, it might be worth mentioning that, should you "come out", you'll both have more male attention than you know what to do with, 'cause at that age, many of them will feel like it is their sworn young masculine duty to show you the benefits of meat injection over other forms of carnal entertainment. I seem to vaguely recall having feelings of that sort before I grew up and obtained a life, anyway. I doubt that the average 17 year old male is a whole lot more enlightened than we were at that age.

Sounds to me like your galpal is, in fact, looking for attention (of some sort) more than anything, here.

Just to clarify something real quick:

When I mean we haven't done anything sexual besides a little heavy kissing, I mean -heavy- kissing. Making out. The only reason it's only a little is because the opportunity doesn't often present itself for us to be alone. Enough that we sometimes get close to going farther. But we've discussed this together and decided, for the same reasons I wouldn't have sex with a guy before college, we want to wait.

So that's not an issue.

And you're probably right about the 17-year-old male thing. x.x

I'm so damn old-fashioned. I thought the only legitimate reason not to have sex before college was because no would *let*me. Then, I had sex, and decided I liked it so much, I'd just skip college.

No one told me that college was where you wanted to be if sex was your favorite pastime. Obviously, I wasn't smart enough to get into college, anyway.

Your last statement does beg a question, though. Where are you that you can do *heavy* kissing, but you are afraid to be caught doing anything more? I mean, wouldn't someone who stumbled across you making out be approximately as freaked out as someone who discovered you having your ears warmed?

We want to wait for at least college because we'll be older, and (hopefully) more mature and stuff.

And when we make out, it's usually at her or occasionally my house, where we don't want parents/siblings catching us.

Why is it that everyone else (especially Elspode) is so much better than me at saying what I want to say? :redface:

In my case, it is a matter of being so full of shit that some leaks out uncontrollably, and some small bits of that leakage make some sense. On the whole, though, it is just shit. :)

False modesty does not become you.

At 16, you think you know a lot of things.

The truth, although you won't believe me, because that's another one of the things that you know, is that you don't.

Big V & Wolf, truer words were never spoken.

yesman...when you were 16 do you think you were perhaps confused about your sexuality? eg. Did you sometimes wonder if you might be gay or straight?

My point is that in matters of sexuality I don't think anyone else has a right to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about, regardless of your age.

I think Aliantha sums up how I feel rather well...

Coming from a bi 15-year-old, I say that nobody can tell me or anyone else what my or their sexuality is or isn't. You can think what you want, but I know I like the boy-folk and the girl-folk.

Exactly. I've liked both girls and guys, for either their personality, looks, or both. I've dated both guys and girls. I'm bi.

And there's nothing wrong with that, but isn't the question *still* whether or not you should come out as gay to make your girlfriend happy? I mean, wouldn't that be incorrect if you are bi?

In the end, you are just who you are, so why "come out" at all? Or, if you must, come out as You and leave it at that. How could she be upset with that?

I think it takes almost more courage for someone to be bi-sexual than it does for someone to be gay. For starters, if you're bi, people always say, well why can't you just choose one sex and be done with it - or something very close to, which leads then to the, 'oh he/she's just confused' argument.

As to 'comming out', I'd lay money on the odds of the g/f just wanting to not have to sneak around anymore and to be honest with people about the relationship. In my books, there's nothing wrong with that, although I can see how telling your family your sexual preferences lay somewhere outside the norm is intimidating and frightening, especially considering that chances are, this relationship is not going to last forever - if teenage romances of the past are anything to go by - and if the family goes apeshit, then where will our young lover be?

Elspode, I think the point is not coming out of the closet as much as coming out as going out with a girl. She said her mother already knows shes bi, right?

Aliantha - When I was 16, I was more interested in having a good time rather than what sex I was interested in. I was partying, playing sports and just learning to drive. Sex was nowhere near the top of my list of important things to think about. Maybe thats the problem - kids today are in such a rush to "grow up" that they miss one of the most important parts of life - just being a kid.

It is honestly the voice of experience (i.e. age) talking. There is a big difference between being interested in people of the same sex and having a satisfying long term relationship with them.

I thought I was bisexual when I was at school because I was turned on by women as well as men. I went to a gay club in my late teens and had to walk out - not because it was too full-on for me, but because I was so turned on by seeing women kiss eachother I didn't know where to look.

But I realised over the years that I would never go beyond isolated physical experience with a woman - I still find some women a turn-on, but I don't want a girlfriend.

I don't think anyone here is trying to tell anyone else that they don't know how they feel. It's just that openly labelling yourself is rarely necessary - it comes up in conversation when it's relevant.

So my answer to Renn is don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not ready for. If you're not comfortable wearing your personal feelings like a badge then that's your choice. Just try & keep the lies to a minimum. If you two do end up making a life together your friends and family won't appreciate the previous deceit.

lol

When I was 15 I would've humped almost anything that couldn't get away. And I was still 5 years away from my first sexual experience. 3 years. something like that. The girl I was "in love" with gave me a completely different set of butterflies in my stomach than those who I just wanted to make out with. Literally EVERYthing turned me on except animals, children, and Bea Arthur (and Bea had her moments). I fantasized about every single person in my class - male, female, beautiful, ugly - just to "see what it would be like" in my head. It wasn't until several years later that I realized I was suffering from raw, undirected, unbridled horniness, and not some kind of personality disorder.

Thank goodness I didn't get to act out any of my multitude of fantasies -- I'd have 20 kids, a list of STDs as long as my arm, and whatever baggage comes from a career in porn.

I don't know what the point of this is really, other than the fact that you should not make any life-altering decisions about anything until you -- no offense -- grow your brains the rest of the way. Some knowledge comes only from watching someone crash and burn...the less crashing of your own you do, the fewer scars you'll have. You might think you know how shit's gonna turn out at 15, but you just don't. Unfortunately there's no way to internalize that fact until you're 25 and look at it in retrospect :lol:

When I was in college they brought in a sex researcher to lecture the Freshmen. It was very helpful.

The first thing he taught, and underlined hard, was S.N.F. - Sex is a Natural Function. Which erased a lot of the mysterious nature of it and all the levels of crap people attach to it. Under all those levels, it's a natural human function.

Then, when it comes to determining your sexual situation there are sorta like three "levels".

1 You think about it
2 You fantasize about it
3 You do it

So I thought, on hearing this, OK, I would like to know if I'm gay. I would like to know if there's a gay part of me somehow. So, I thought about gay sex. Yes, I found, I can think about it. Then I tried to fantasize about it. And I found that thinking never crossed the line into fantasizing about it, even if I purposefuly tried.

It was at that point, I believe, that any fear or worry about homosexuality left me and I was able to then deal with teh ghey completely, which was important because I was involved in theatre which meant that 50% of my friends would come out over the next 4 years.

Can I add:

4. You carry on doing it and don't get bored

If you mean "coming out with this *particular* girl", yeah, maybe. But that really isn't how it has sounded to me thus far. Either way, pushing Vrai to do something that she isn't sure she wants to do smacks of insensitivity to me. I mean, it isn't like she's being asked to give up smack or something, which might be arguable in the other direction.

Sounds to me like a, "Prove that you love me" challenge by an insecure girl. Especially, when they both claim to want to withhold sex for a few years.
Does this girl feel if Vrai "comes out", they'll be able to "pet" in front of Vrai's parents? Vrai said this girl has "come out" to her parents, IIRC, yet they worry about being caught "petting" at her house.

I wouldn't be forced, coerced or pressured by this girl. I see no benefit to you and possibly some harm by taking a position at this point.
Like elspode said, the guys would be all over you, and if you think this girl's pressuring you, well you ain't seen nuthin yet. Of course you might be able to convince your folks that coming out is a ploy to attract the boys. Remember coming out is a declaration of your sexual preference and everyone (including parents) will assume you have to be sexually active to make that choice.

I'm rambling...uh, thinking out loud.:blush:
Bottom line ....don't do it.