Uh oh, scared him off??
 

The story so far.....

Met Mr *A* online (ohhhhhh, I hear you say!!).

He's from a totally different part of Australia and when he emailed me, I said "wtf are you emailing a chick from Victoria?".

Turns out he has family locally and may be relocating here next year.

Anyways, he's an Army dude. We've been chatting since mid October, getting along very well (natch) etc etc. He's smart, very level headed and never gets flustered about things.

He's HERE at the moment, well, staying with his family and here every few days.

First meeting, we went shopping together, got along well. He came here Boxing nite, we had drinkies and sat and talked for hours...then...ahem, well....you know.

We have just come back (with kids in tow) from a couple of nites in Melbourne. Now, boxing nite, he was all touchy feely, and it was great. First day out and about in Melbourne - nothing. Told myself it was because of the kids....thats fair isnt it??

That nite, we go out for dinner (alone) and then onto the casino. Best nite I have had in years, all touchy feely again....we had a ball.

Next day...science works and hung around the beach. Back to daytime behavior.

Now, we have still been getting along very well, but the self destructive part of me couldnt leave it at that.....no no nononono!!

I sent him *the sms* today, along the lines of:

"we've spent a bit of time together now and I need to get things right in my head. I can handle whatever this is, holiday fling or fuck buddy etc....so what do you see this as?"

he replied with "what the? how am I supposed to answer that?"

to which I said, "the truth?"

He called just before and said he never thought this as a holiday fling and was just wanting to go along, take one day at a time, have some fun and see what happens...fair. But I feel like it was a partial blow off, or I over stepped some boundary?????? did i???

I have done these slightly warped txts in the past and he has always called me, said the right (and correct things) and we have talked our way through it.

He's calling when his kids go to bed, so we will see I guess.

I'm my own worse enemy it would appear. I'm like Ally McBeal, I cant be happy.

Ack. I hate 'the sms'. I think there should be some sort of campaign to encourage people to confiscate their friends' mobile phones, the second they get involved with a potential mate :P

Thing is though Ducks, if he really likes you and has half a brain in head, he'll dismiss that message as what it was....an Ali Mcbeal moment, nothing to worry about. Clearly you need to have more of a clue where its going than he does, in order to feel comfortable. It isn't really asking so much, just knowin where you stand.

i am going to think upon this and give you my very best guess in a bit.

Keep in mind, DN, that this will only be a guess. And that lots of people here in the Cellar love you and will try to really, really help.

Now. Lemme think*


*as opposed to going off less than half cocked about one thing or another*



PPS--what is an SMS?

text message on a phone, bri.

you're being nutty. how is he supposed to know 'where this is going'?

If you have expectations about it, then you need to discuss that. otherwise, he's got no way of knowing. what he said didn't sound like a blow off, it sounded like the truth.

why do women always have to focus on where a relationship is goin? why not pay attention to what's in your hand right now, and enjoy it for what it is?

If I got that message, I'd be saying to myself, wtf...is she nuts?
Seriously, things are going quite smoothly, no signs of her being an axe murderer, or clingy/desperate psycho....looking good.
Then all of a sudden a text message demanding I state my intentions, plans for the future, level of commitment. :worried:

Now if we were having a conversation, preferably in person but at least a live phone conversation, and she says she'd like to know how I feel about her, about us, then it would be normal maybe even expected, at this point.
But that text message, out of the blue, would make me wonder what the hell was going on? Make me wonder who the hell she thinks she is, to demand my declaration of intentions this early in the relationship? What's the Rush...what is she not telling me?

OK, it's your modus operandi...blunt, to the point, say what you think. That's fine for people that know you pretty well, but for a noob, especially one that might have romantic intentions, it's got to shake him a little.

Tell him you now realize you blindsided him, and talk it out. But don't push him into a corner where he has to make a decision he's not ready to make, yet. He now knows, you would like him to clarify, so he should have no problem broaching the subject when he's ready. If he takes too long or seems to be stalling, you have the option of walking away, at that point.:D

I'm curious, he's in the military and "may be relocating here next year". Getting out of the military? How long will he be in the area before he has to report back? :confused:

I'm gonna have to agree with the lads here. You may have poisoned the well. Question: Does this kind of questioning always crop up after the relationship gets sexual? It seems like you're saying you're modern and carefree about sex but not really. Is that it? We've all got our hangups but its a damn good idea to recognize them. If you can tone it down a bit and actually let things progress naturally he may be willing to let that gaff slide. Good luck. You are among friends here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you :) can always rely on you guys to give me an honest and brutal (if need be) answer.

I did explain to him that I wasnt looking for a *commitment* level or promise of anything, I was really only wondering if this was a holiday fling in his mind, as we have both spoken about the fuck buddy thing in the past....those comments wouldnt have been too out of left field.

Bruce - point taken about my bluntness. Its one of the things he has always liked about me though, always says he loves that he doesnt have to guess with me and that I always explain how I am feeling without game playing.

Re: Relocating....he gets posted at different military bases periodically. There is the option of staying put, or relocating to a different base. He does a stint in Iraq early next year, then would relocate to a new base.

Griff - I am all modern and carefree about sex....when its just sex.

Hence why I probably asked the question anyway. I know I like the guy, and if he says "look, I think its just going to be a casual thing"...I'm good, can rationalise that in my mind and be all whatever about it.

I dont think this question crops up after a relationship becomes sexual, especially in this instance, because there was connection before we even met.

Hangups, oh yeah I have them. I think I realise I have the majority of them, I may have to add another one to the list.



We spoke briefly last nite and he says my question was *fair enough* because knowledge is power.

I know he will have thought about it over nite and will have some new insight for me this morning.

If I burnt the bridge with that little effort, it would appear is was going up in flames anyways I guess. :)

Ducks...i reckon your best plan of action from here would be to tell him WHY you sent the text. Don't apologise for it or get all mushy. Just tell him why you did it. For one thing, it'll help him know you better, and if you do it again in future, he wont feel like you've blindsided him. He'll know you're just being insecure again.

That's what I think.

DN: Sounds to me like you started feeling something, got scared as hell then made it his problem to solve.

Don't be a fraidy cat. Or worse, don't make him afraid. Of you.

Relax, enjoy. Toss the map out the window and feel the wind.

Crisis avoided for the moment!!!!

Received the following sms....

"You are such a darlin', all that just shows you care. You are perfect"

[insert collective "awwwwww" here]

But it doesnt look like we are spending new years eve together!!

Oh and Beestie - me thinks you hit the nail on the head.

DN - I'm happy for you - perhaps you should try to answer your question yourself first and then talk with him in person - I mean what do YOU see this as and then go to him with a conversation about how you feel either on the phone or preferably in person. Good luck!

I'm happy for you, but it did seem a bit like self sabotage there.
Ask yourself this... what would be a rational answer to that question?
Seriously, if you were asked that... what would you have said in the same situation, objectively?
LOL, I would have loved to have seen your face if he had said "Wedding bells next week!"
See, I'm a smart-ass and cannot help it... I would have... took a while until I found one...

Yeah, I don't think I can add to the amount of wisdom on this board.

I am happy for you miss ducky. :)

So whats been happenin Duck?

Well, he flew back to Darwin yesterday and we left things up in the air, but will talk about it over the next week or so.

Problem was this trip, he had to spread himself soooo thinly. With Iraq, there will only be one more time this year that he can see his kids, so he had to try and cram in as much as possible with them, his family that he hasnt seen since the middle of last month, and me.

We had a bit of a chat yesterday before he left, and he's kinda thinking about the big (well HUGE) picture now....like.....is it his right to uproot families to make it work?...he gets shoved from pillar to post with his postings - what will happen with that? I have a great job and network here - us being together will effect that....etc etc etc.

He seems to think *he* has to make all those decisions and decide whats best for me and the boys - why do men think that?

I'm thinking, once he gets back home and there is 4000+kms between us, he will decide that its all too hard and thats it.

My boss (in his infinite wisdom - do gooder gone wrong!!), gave me 3 tickets to Darwin at the end of this month for a week as part of my Christmas Bonus.

Problem is, Army dude will probably be away for 3 of them transporting weapons from Sydney.

.....I can see you guys becoming very familiar with my failed love life :p

It's convoluted, it may be bumpy for you, it may even change directions like a pinball machine. But it's not "failed" until the fat lady sings.
As long as it keeps you entertained, it's cool....unless you've set goals, you feel bad about not attaining. Some people do that and get quite depressed when they don't make their goals, no matter how unrealistic the goals may be.

Mind over matter.....if you don't mind, it don't matter. :D

Trip up there has been postponed till mid March, as Army dude is escorting weapons the day after I was s'posed to arrive up there.

We talk most days and I still get mighty confused, because things have changed a little (his behavior wise), but he says all the right things and I just need to stop over thinking shit and live in the moment :)

We will see each other at least twice, maybe three times before he goes to Iraq in May.

Maybe you should just chill a little - I think he must have an awful lot of shit on his mind with his being deployed and all.

Youre right yesman, I tell myself that and I am keeping my head straight at the moment.

Iraq is a whole different kettle of fish to the other places he has been deployed.

I know and what I'm thinking is that he may not to commit to you in any way - even if he wanted to, because he is going there. Perhaps trying to save you some pain or anguish - whatever. I know that this really doesn't change the way you feel, but it might make it easier for him somehow. Hang tight girl *cyber hug* sent your way.

Ohhh, a bit more info which kinda helps things fit in my head a little.

He's had a seriously shitty run with women, his ex wife run off with an 18yr old (she was 28) whilst he was deployed in Timor and took his 2 kids.

The next big relationship he had turned really nasty when she turned out to by a nutter!! Without boring you all with the details, her latest stunt was yesterday and involved police from 2 states. They have been separated since Nov 2005.

So he said, he's feeling very wary about any relationship moving past the casual stage.

“Bad timing is the reason most normal people end up single.”

- Jon Favreau, Love & Sex

It was in a movie so I'm going to believe it.

Considering his history of choosing wackos, I'd take his reluctance to commit as a compliment. If you're nuts you must be hiding it well.

I've suspected you weren't really farked in the head, now I'm convinced you're a pretty together chick. :thumb: