March 31, 2007: Panda porn
 

http://cellar.org/2007/pandaporn.jpg

Axlrosen sent the full story and 20minutos.es daily gallery has the shot of this, Chuang Chuang the panda, who has been watching panda porn on a big screen television for days and days. Tapes of pandas getting it on. Because Chuang himself isn't taking to the concept, and they hope he'll figure it out by watching.

Maybe he's gay, and they're showing him the wrong tapes. More likely pandas take in information differently than people, and the images he sees are so obviously NOT pandas that the whole thing doesn't matter to him.

We see television images as representations and can make that extra step to understand that what we're seeing is a moving image of something else, but that's a pretty complicated process. The animals I've known have not been able to process non-moving pictures, never mind moving ones. My dog doesn't care what's on TV, until the audio is meaningful - something barks - which is a more realistic representation of another dog, to her.

Our brains are set up to recognize patterns and to associate them with the abstract concept of what we are looking at; instead of saying this is a picture of UT, you might just say this is UT and the complicated process that got you from one notion to the other is so quick you don't consider it.

This obviously leads to Magritte's "This is not a pipe", actually titled "The Treachery of Images". But I don't want to digress too much further.

I've heard of "typical male" pandas before. Maybe some of them really are gay. Or incredibly fucking lazy.

Maybe he's just not attracted to the ladies they bring him.

Maybe he's into roll playing. Try dressing the lady panda as a kangaroo and see if it helps.

Then again, maybe he just prefers to Panda-handle things himself. ;)

The media isn't the message
 

Maybe he just needs a live demonstration.

Maybe he just wants his woman to use Dynadouche.

That panda is obviously gay. I'm getting horny myself just seeing the picture of panda porn. He should be sporting wood by now, what with him bein' a panda 'n' all.

Excuse me while I go change my pants...

I'm betting he likes it in the bamboo chute.

maybe the reason he's not gettin' it on is because he's locked up in a cage. i bet if he was out in the wild, he'd be doin' it with all the lady pandas.

It seems the Chinese have breeding farms where they're artificially inseminating Pandas because they are so slow on the uptake.

Couldn't you just make some panda test tube babies?

Maybe they should try hdtv!!!
More realistic images might do the thing :P

The fact is, female pandas are bitchy and cantankerous 51 weeks out of the year. They're in heat for one week. So, what's a poor male panda to make of that? Sound like any other species? They need to take him to a bar and get him drunk.

Hi, megami--very funny post!

rfoxx--not gettin' any, huh?

Evolutionarily speaking, it makes no sense that pandas are so unwilling/incapable of breeding. I can't get my head around how this would come about. I should ask one of my biology teachers after Easter. Damn pandas making me doubt my understanding of evolutionary theory.

As an economics professor told me, the companies that survive don't necessarily have to be the best, they just have to be better than break-even.
Apparently, pandas were able to keep the birthrate > deathrate, at least for the last 18 million years or so. Many animals in captivity experience decreased sex drive. Would you be able to perform in front of a room of zoologists? Okay, not you, Spexxvet. :rolleyes:

My auntie had a collie dog who loved televised football. As soon as he heard the theme tune from Match of the Day, he's hurtle in from wherever he was in the house and plonk himself right in front of the telly. His head would move from side to side like he was watching the action and he'd growl like fuck at anyone who tried to change the channel.

Welcome to the Cellar Megamiyumi.:D
You may be on to something since pandas have poor eyesight.

Did he go look for the ball round the back of the TV when the cameras weren't fast enough to follow the action?

Border collies are the one dog that I would expect to watch TV and understand it, perhaps even write important criticism.

(Although in this case I suspect he was tracking Uncle's behavior, who might also run for the telly at the sound of the MotD theme, and growl at Auntie trying to change the channel)

No they weren't. They arrived on the ark with the kangaroos.

My boys get interested in television when the camera is static and the images move from one side of the screen to the other. There was a sports trailer where a ball would bounce onto the screen and it caught their attention every time. I'm tempted to buy them a cat dvd.

Nobody knows why, or they would probably be able to correct for it, but I can think of a couple of possibilities.

1) Some sort of bamboo mold makes them horny, and it is not in most zoos, ans is dying out in the wild.

2) Their mating interest is related to their range, which is minimal in zoos and diminishing in the wild.

It's probably neither of these but there are certainly any number of ways that a species can be put in a precarious situation by evolution.

The porn failed.

And yet, this darling bird fell in love with a big old boat.

Yeah, but they won't procreate either.

How does f**k growl?

I think the panda porn would have been more effective if the reluctant panda was watching smellovision.

Well, naturally. Who can get excited about a porno where everyone's wearing fur coats?

Role playing?

Should have put another male in with the pair and let 'em duke it out. Maybe tie their left forepaws together.