Quite Please
 

there is a guy at my job who never shuts up. ever. he is literally standing over my cube right now blabbering on. he's not a bad guy, or a dumb guy, but really pathetic. i havent looked at him since i started typing and i swear to god he is still talking, what should i do?

Can you wear headphones at work? You could get some with noise cancelling and listen to music.

You could also send an e-mail to someone to call you, which would give you a temporary break right now.

Ask him to be quite quiet.

You could fake a heart attack.

Do you have a cellphone with a quick dial feature? Program your desk number into the phone and call yourself discreetly when he's talking.

HL, i was wearing headphones when he came up and just started talking just before, and the heart attack thing is good but i can't really use it that regularly...he only sits 2 cubes away from me. and i can't do the cell thing because i have no reception. i think next time he walks up im just gonna stand up, look him in the eye, and say "i have to shit, excuse me"

Jump out of your chair and say, "You're making me SO hot," and start taking off your clothes.

When he comes over to your area, just pick up your phone and start talking, even though it didn't ring. Say, "I have to take this. It's the President."

Or pretend your cell phone is on vibrate mode and it just buzzed you. Pull it out of your pocket and start talking on it. Do it every time.

Fart

you could try talking to him, and ask him nicely not to bug you 'cause you're working. Say you'd be happy to talk to him on break, but if he insists on chatting during work hours, you'll have to report him to your supervisor.

slam your fists on your desk and let him know
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"

I have the same problem. Except he's my boss...

yo you guys literally had me lol'ing at some of these responses, thanks

Then tell him you have Tourette's.

Pete has a system worked out with the cube across from her. They give a couple minutes for polite conversation then the phone rings...

Since you have no cell service, you need to make a deal with one of your other coworkers for mutual support. Everyone has to be on Chatty Cathy alert. If he shows up at your cube, your lifeguard calls your extension. You provide the same service for someone else in your end of the cube farm. Not foolproof, because Chatty Cathy may end up trained by intermittent reinforcement to only approach someone when their lifeguard is in the bathroom, but you could get a month or two's use out of this strategy.

That would be Tou-fucking-rettes.

If you just casually zap him with one of these million volt stun guns, he'll fall on the floor and twitch around a bit, but probably won't be able to talk for a while.

maybe i should slip some cocaine into his morning coffee then tell HR i saw him doing lines in the mens room.

Take off your shoes and socks. Clip your toenails and save the pieces. Make little smiley face arrangements on your desk with them.

Ask that he repeat everything since you are only listening with half an ear. When he says "What!?", ask him to repeat that.

Compliment his choice of underwear.

Take a ketchup or mustard packet from your desk and squirt it on piece of paper. Fingerpaint idly while he's talking. Extra credit for vulgar images.

Rap loudly and openly on your desk. Ask him if he heard that. Then say you have to check the door or the mail. Get up and leave.

Keep a length of cord in your desk. Fashion a hangman's noose. When you are done making it, wave the noose and tell him his time is up.

Use an egg timer.

Take a vitamin C tablet out and crush it on the desk. Cut the big pieces with a sharp knife or razor blade. Pick a straw out of the garbage and offer him a toot.

I actually had a boss who used this one with people who made their comments too slowly: Keep working and move one hand in a forward rolling circle as if to say, "keep moving keep up keep going you blithering idiot". You might try the words, too, but if you are proficient at it, the gesture is sufficient.

Off topic, but isn't it alarming, the type of people who get promoted to management positions?

Ask him if he hears the voices too.

i think there is a book about this.

if you really want to be done with it, and don;t have the balls to tell him to go fuck himself, you need to tell on him. tell the boss that he's annoying you while you're trying to read the cellar and to keep an eye on him, and let the boss be the bad guy

Fella talks that constantly, no he can't hear the voices.

Ask him to stop.

just a small update:

i came into work this morning and did my regular routine of stopping in the cafeteria, grabbing breakfast and bringing it back to my cube to chow down. just as i start eating (with my back to my cube entrance), i get that "someones standing right behind me" feeling. so i turn around and suprise-suprise there he is, just fucking standing there! he said something about my breakfast being really big and i just turned around and started eating. i just thank God i don't have to deal with this guy outside of work, if he was my neighbor, or worse related to me i think i'd end up choking this guy.

Although I liked fresh's and HLJ suggestions for the funny factor this one made me do the double take. :) lol

If he asks you if you have his stapler, I'd take action.

There is this guy who advises students part-time, the cubby across from me. He used to just stealth into my office and stand right next to me. I wouldn't see him and would get a jolt when I heard his mouth-breathing next to me. I think the namby pamby finally got the hint that I think he's a freak; he doesn't talk to me much anymore. I'm glad!

A sidler? Just give him tic-tacs.

ELAINE: Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're

symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your...

...breath smells like hot garbage juice

I think I'm an asshole...
I would have called him on it.
"Dude, what is wrong with you? Are you broken? Were you raised by wolves? Seriously, who says stuff like that, and what is with the sneaking up on me Renfield?
Leave me alone."
Something like that.
I really like most people and have a lot of friends... perhaps they are assholes too?
I wonder?
I am known for having very little internal censor, but most tell me it is a positive thing... then again, there is a contingent that do not like being around me.
I don't comment on things that have nothing to do with me, unless asked, which people do for reasons I can't quite understand... I guess it's like that urge to poke a snake?

rkz has a point. What is up with the food thing? If I go to the cafeteria and bring food back to my office, invariably 4 or 5 people check it out "whatcha' got? Is it good? It smells good. Is it lunchtime?" half the time sticking their nose near the plate or bowl to sniff it. Jesus people, walk your ass down to the cafe and see what they have for yourself. Just another pet peeve of mine.

Is this a Seinfeld episode?

Episode 162 "The Merv Griffin Show"

I'm still back in season 3.

This is some funny stuff.