Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
 

That's a blatant lie. I regret plenty. My first and most heartfelt regret: I never learned from my mistakes; I put my sons with divorce and for what? for ego.

I regret plenty. One o'clock in the morning or two in the afternoon--these things come back to haunt me, Brahm Bones-like, a spectre, but scary and real enough at the time. I've been selfish, living my life to suit me. A monster of suiting myself.

seems my insurance company is paying just a squeak of what needs paid (I owe my onco 2500) so they are going to start sending me to the hospital for treatment--the gulag, the dungeon. where they treat the indigent. they also said, "since you're having such a hard time with chemo, maybe the tumor has shrunk enough that you can just have the surgery..." meaning, we are sick of you and want you off our docket. we only want Brave Power Puff Grrrrls! NOt that I've been that bad, to say the truth. just in pain, and just a bit weeepy for the menopause---oh, yeah, and my life review, which I've failed. Satan would be proud of me---my selfish acts, my self centered way of looking at life, my inability to postpone pleasure even for my own good, lack of bill-paying acumen. my EVERYTHING. Rosemary's baby! I live!

I'm scared. I'm scared they are going to half-ass it and i will really end up dead of this pox. I hope I learn to change my ways before I die.

i don't have any good words brianna. everything i come up with just seems trivial and superficial. i'm sorry. i'm truly sorry that you have to endure this.:sniff:

You're not going to die Bri, and no one in heaven hell or anywhere in between cares if you pay your bills on time or not, and your kids love you just because you're their mum, and they would love you no matter how many times you fuck up. That's the good thing about kids. Just the fact that you are thinking of them now at this time puts the lie to your selfishness.

Stay strong. You know you can do it, and you will do it.

Regrets do nothing Bri. You can't change the past and there's no value in worrying about what you can't change.

There isn't a celestial account sheet, just keep going, keep being yourself and keep changing the world one day at a time. We love you and as Ali said your kids love you. Your family love you - and all that's a pretty big deal.

You have today and you have the rest of your life. Forget about what's gone.

Good advice from all the above Brianna. It may seem that everyone is kicking you when you're down, but it's mostly the size of your major problem that makes it seem so. Any mistakes you've made are probably the same ones we all have made. I'm sure your kids have forgiven you, if they even perceive any wrongs. Forgive yourself and others, you'll heal faster.
I know this isn't politically correct for the cellar, but God loves you and forgives you too. Ask Him.

ditto!

Of course you're going to die, we all are.
Of course you've made mistakes, we all have.
Do your best to enjoy family and friends that love you.
Your sons do, I do, lots of people do... feel the love, baby.:lovers:

We're on your side, Bri. Repondez, s'il vous plait re: PM from earlier! :)

I'm with everyone else here - if you've made mistakes, they're only the ones we all do. You made the best choices you could at the time. Cancer is giving you a hard time - try not to help it by giving yourself a hard time too.
Hugs.

Yeah srsly Bri, don't beat yourself up!
You're supposed to be fighting the cancer, healing, repairing, regenerating... letting the coolness get in to your vertebra...

I agree! This is not the time to kick the shit out of yourself. I think you are atoneing for anything you might have done, and already, are paying possibly too much. I know it's easy when we are sick to slip into a negative place full of demons because the brain is exhausted.....Just don't take that kind of thinking too seriously and let yourself, let it all go. You don't need that crap right now! Not from anyone and that includes yourself.

Think about: pink snow, rainbow colored butterflies, and giant snowflakes......etc. etc....

More stress is not the answer?!?


:)

You listen to Cicero, hear me?

:grouphug:

You're going through the dark night of the soul. This happens at least once to anyone with more intellect and sensitivity than a pine tree.

And it too shall pass. Now what you do with it afterwards will show whether you're a better person for it or not. Whaddaya think you might do?

Hey you, you have a big space in front of you, and you can do with it what you like. deprive yourself or indulge yourself. You have the power to do that which you wish. I would do what you do. Much love and you take care. Talk to me soon you hear?

I fear regrets also. Try this exercise: You know those lists of "a zillion things to do before I die?" Well, instead, start making a list of all the things you've done. When I did this, I was very surprised--first at all the stuff I'd done; and second, that this list was WAY longer than the "to do" list.

Here's a little excerpt from my list to inspire you:

Been monogamous
Made a complete and utter fool of myself
Gone camping
Met Ronald Reagan (when he was governor of California)
Sat on a jury in a child molestation case
Asked for a raise and got it
Cooked sauerbrauten. Once.
Took my kids on a surprise trip to Disneyworld
Taught classes
Met someone in person found on the Internet
Had anonymous sex
Been to the top of the Space Needle
Read a long novel in one sitting
Swam in the ocean
Bought a new car
Crocheted an afghan
Went snowshoeing in Yosemite National Park
Watched Old Faithful gush in Yellowstone
Gone skinnydipping
Ridden horses (not very well)
Played tennis (again, not very well)
Squashed a bedbug
Dyed my hair purple and red (not at the same time)
Organized and chaired a science fiction convention
Attended Grateful Dead concert (and many others)
Been searched at gunpoint by Mexican Federales
Seen a dead body
Survived serious injury
Climbed the Pyramid of the Moon in Teotihuacan Mexico

(Cloud, you sound like my kinda woman.)

Now let's be all about Brianna again.

You are really not in your right frame of mind while you are all full of poison. The chemo really goes to work on your brain,the dreams and nightmares are so different from the normal ones you are used to. Stressing and worry are about the very worst thing you can do for yourself. I wouldnt worry about the bills at all,run up as many as you can if you live anywhere near a decent sized city you whould be able to get good healthcare even if its at a public hospital with minimal or no insurance. When the bill coolectors start calling tell them never to call you again,that you will pay when you can or you wont. When the bills start coming in the mail,throw them straight in the trash,dont even open them. They cant do anything to you,they cant take any of your posessions and they wont even try. Eventually they will throw your entire account into the trash and write it off. If worse comes to very worse you can file medical bankruptcy but it should never come to that. Just live... EAT!! something,dont dwell on the past its gone,live for today,watch the sunrise go out and see the stars,read some fun books,dont turn on the news,get a puppy or a bunny,get both,put up a squirrel feeder. We are all among the dying how many of us are really among the living?

I know, sorry--almost deleted it after I posted, 'cause it's not my thread. The list was meant to be an exemplar. (didn't we already do a thread like that?)

I want Brianna to do her own list!

:) thank you, shoot.


I really liked that last bit about getting a puppy and a bunny! :) you've made me smile this morning!

Pray
that is my advice to you