For the Aussies, a plea for help
 

This vid was done by my most excellent fiance, Mick Sturdy. If any of you Aussie members know anything about his girls, please PM me ASAP! Mick lives in Darwin; he doesn't know where his ex-wife and girls live.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu5vwuI_iHQ

Thank you, so much!

~Trea

Fiance?

Yes, ma'am. As in got down on his knee (on cam, unfortunately) and asked me to marry him, and I said yes as soon as the divorce is finalized and he gets his ass to the US :)

... but in the meantime you are having sex with your housemate?

-laughs- I knew that was going to come up. Yes, I am. Mick knows about it and is perfectly comfortable with it. And housemate knows I'm engaged to Mick, so everyone knows everything and is happy with the situation at hand. And Mick knows that if he has an opportunity for a f*ck buddy in Darwin, he's more than welcome to go for it, and I'll cheer him on (and take pics?) It's one of the many blessings of an open relationship.

Yea. Long distance thingies can be hard, sometimes you have to resort to being practical about it. Especially if your plans are years in the making, and take awhile to execute.


Poor Mick. It sucks to pay in and get no arrangements made to see your children. He should hire a PI and demand visits.

He's tried to demand visits from the ex, but considering he doesn't know where she lives or ANYTHING, that's been kinda tough. And unfortunately, money is a bit of an issue for him; he works civil service and doesn't get the best pay. :(

Treas, I know we don't know each other, but please, slow down.

I know long distance romances and internet relationships can and do work, but they take a lot of work and -when international- money. it costs a lot of money to get to the USA even on a fiance visa, and you have to prove that you can support him. Have you looked into the whole visa thing?

You're not even totally out of the abusive relationship that caused you to have PTSD, you have a baby girl and you're sleeping with your housemate. Mick is older than you and has two older daughters he's desperately seeking. If he finds them, will he really be happy to up sticks and leave them on the other side of the world?

Did you meet Mick in person or on the internet?

I know I'm raining on your parade, but please believe me I mean no malice at all, I just want to make sure you're aware of how rough the road ahead is going to be, even if Mick IS "The One".

Good luck with it all and I hope he tracks down his girls. Are there Government programs/fathers' groups that can help?

Well it isn't as if she's exactly put all of her eggs..in one basket? Excuse the expression...;)

Treas, if your husband is paying into the Child Support system over here, then his solicitor will be able to go to mediation and organize visitation unless there are extenuating circumstances.

I don't want to upset you either, but seriously, the system over here is pretty good, and there's no reason he shouldn't be seeing his kids. Child support knows where the mother is if he's paying in, so his legal rep can find her or at least organize meetings.

Something sounds fishy to me.

btw...civil servants over here are paid pretty well. In most cases a minimum of $40k per annum and if he's older and has been in the system longer, then chances are he's earning a bit more than that. If he's in any sort of supervisory or management position, he would be earning over $60k and probably more.

Wages are much better here than in the US. Keep that in mind when he tells you how poor he is.

I just watched the video.

I have to say, I don't believe his story. There's just no way that if he's paying in and she's receiving, that he'd not be able to organize visitation. If his kids live on the east coast, why is he living in Darwin anyway? Did he move away from them or what? Did he always want to see them or did he spit the dummy in the first place and now he's regretting it.

As far as Child Support Agency goes, it is what you make of it. If you think they're your enemy then they will be, but if you work with them, they can be very helpful, particularly if you keep in touch with your case worker.

My ex and I use the CSA and neither of us have ever had any problems. CSA doesn't stop fathers from seeing their children. They have nothing to do with that side of things anyway. They simply collect from one parent and pay it to the other.

Tell him to get private legal representation. If he's really that poor, then he'll qualify for legal aid. If he's not that poor, then he should be willing to pay for the services of a professional if his kids really mean that much to him.

Just be wary. People can seem like they're really and truly heartbroken and put upon and downtrodden on the internet and via phone calls and even during short visits, but usually it's a front.

I'd be very careful about getting involved with this man if I were you Treas. I think he's full of shit.

Maybe he's always lived in Darwin and she moved away taking the kids.

Dana's hit the nail on the head. They were originally in Darwin and when she split, she took the kids and tried to vanish. I thank you all for the well wishes and the warnings. I've only known Mick on the internet but we're working on a three month visit here in the states (tourist visa). I appreciate how you all are looking out for me here :) Makes me feel like a true Cellarite/Dwellar. I will let you all know what happens... to be honest, I have wondered at one point or another if he's only so intent on me for a green card or the like...

Again. THANK YOU. :)

Another detail to note... he's only seen them "like three times in the last twelve years" but one of the daughters is only 10 years old.

As long as one of them is 12 or over I dont see that's inconsistent

I haven't watched the video because my connection is crappy at present.

If he hasn't seen the kids regularly since twelve years ago, presumably the adults have been estranged that long ... so how come one of the kids is ten? Is it his? I think that is Clodfobble's point.

As an Aussie, I defer to Ali on this one. I know very little about such matters except that what she said sounds right. And she is in a position to know.

I hope everything works out though.

Right, it's not impossible, it just means that he spent one of his three-visits-in-twelve-years knocking up the mother, whom he had presumably not seen in two years at this point--since the math seems to indicate he became estranged from her when the older child was two, and then the second child was conceived when the older child was four.

There's more to the story here, is all I'm saying.

What made you fall in love with him, Treas?

I knew a man who got his estranged gf pregnant when he went back to see his two kids. He'd moved about 100 miles away for a new job, and was in the process of severing ties with home because all of a sudden he was considered young, free and single and was loving it. His weekends home went from fortnightly to monthly to occasionally.

He knocked her up for the third time during a guilt visit. He started seeing another woman during the pregnancy, and refused to answer his mobile phone the night his son was born because he knew it was his ex's family and he didn't want it to spoil his new gf's night out. He didn't even see his new son for a month, then went up there with stacks of presents and came back with Proud Daddy photos.

BLEURGH.

Of course I am not saying this is what happened in your case Trea, but do make sure you know the facts, and check them carefully before bringing a new man into your baby girl's life. And make sure you use contraception!

I think that's enough pushing for now.

I hate those stories. Naughty. Plbbt.

As has been previously pointed out - the Child Support Agency would have contact details for the Mother

The only reason I can imagine for him being denied access or knowledge of their whereabouts would be if there had been violence in the relationship and a Court Order exists to protect the woman an her children

Again...be very careful with Net love affairs..my ex :"fell in love" with a woman, she was everything he dreamed of and was totally besotted. She was pushing for him to go and live in California, he got her to come out here for a visit and quickly discovered that the promise didn't live up to the reality.

That's what I was worried about, that he's nuckin' futz and his privileges were removed.

Something's not right, outside of the fact that he seems like a compulsive liar.

But I'm usually full of it, so don't listen to me. ;)

Dump the wanker do right by your children

Why I fell in love with him... He treats me like a princess. He sent me $600 American to help me out of a tough spot. He knows how to make me laugh. He knows the good and the horrible parts of me and accepts and loves me anyways. That's the nutshell version. But if ALL of you are telling me something sounds fishy, I'm sure as hell listening up. Too many people saying the same thing means there's a damn good reason for it.

we love you, we make you laugh, we think you're worth more than $600. slow down, don't sell yourself short. Don't sell yourself at all, in fact.

(are you really in love with him? really?)

Note, I am a poor judge of people and I may be wrong.

Help me find my girls.

Other than their first names, I won't describe them in any way.

I saw them a year ago shopping. I won't tell you where. That would make it too easy for you.

They are in the charge of a single mother. I will not reveal any details about this person, although that would confirm the girls' identity for certain. Again, that would make it easier. But no. You need a challenge.

I will mention that, so far, to find them, I have used only methods that any sane person would find ridiculous, such as calling everybody in the phone book, or recording Youtube videos as pleas for help into the ether. This hasn't worked.

I'm not sure why mama believes that a relationship with their father would be a bad idea for these children, I only know that it's unfair to be treated as I have been treated. Here, let me tell you about how unfair it is, rather than give you details that might help you find my children.

Monster: A week ago, I would have said yes, unequivocally. Now, I'm not sure. There have been some things said in recent conversations that are really making me wonder about him.

Undertoad: Excellent points. Now debating whether to point that out to him or just leave it alone.

I am a poor judge of people and I may be wrong.

Why use methods that wouldn't work. The strangest bit of the video is where he considers trying a missing persons report. This too wouldn't work - the cops wouldn't take it, because they aren't actually missing.

But then, that same day, he sees them live in person. Firstly this seems very weirdly coincidental. "I was going to file a missing persons report but then I saw them." It seems invented. It doesn't stop you from filing a missing persons report, either. My next question would be, in such a state of desperation, why would you not approach them?

What a chance to ask mama why no contact allowed, if it's a mystery. Or to collect further information, perhaps from the girls themselves? Or for just a longer moment of contact out of a decade of time? Would it be a public spectacle? Well, to have a chance to see and interact with one's children, you'd take that risk, wouldn't you? You'd pretty much leave the car in the middle of the parking lot and run at full speed wouldn't you?

He would have had to be in a position where he was close enough to identify them, although he hasn't seen them in years - and, therefore, close enough to find and track them, even in a crowd. So Treas, if I were you, I would ask this question - why didn't you approach them - and then try to figure out whether the answer is plausible.

Good advice, UT. Next time I talk to him, I'll ask... we got in a bit of a fight this morning and he stormed off in a huff. Seems to me HE'S occasionally (often) the female of the relationship...

On another note, I'm very glad I posted this here. So many people have pointed out inconsistencies, misinformation, and just plain "wtf?" moments... this is why I like having such an unbiased (or at least broad-spectrumed) audience for the big questions.

Again, thank you all.

You should post that in the Youtube comments... or someone else could.;)

Treas...aside from my advice about what really happens in Australia, I think maybe it's pertinent to share something with you about me.

Not long after I first split with my boys father, I became entangled in an online relationship with a man from Washington State. He told me all sorts of sad stories about his life and because I felt pretty down trodden with my own life at the time, I thought we really had something in common. Anyway, he came over here the first time. He was supposed to stay for three months, but we had a fight, and I have to tell you that at the time, I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me. He didn't though, so that was lucky. I asked him to leave and so he went back home. After he got there he was all soppy an apologetic and said how he was just stressed being in another country and all blah blah blah, so I forgave him and he came again to Australia. The second time I said only to come for a few weeks. That was a year later. I'd become stronger and was happier in my life, and when he got off the plane, I just knew he wasn't the one for me at all. He went home and we never really talked much after that. Now he's married to someone else. I hope he's happy. He never would have been with me, nor I with him.

All I really want to illustrate with this story is how wrong you can be about someone online. How it's so easy to cover up little flaws, even if you mostly webcam chat etc. Even if you think the other person is very empathetic. Even if you think they're the best person you've ever had to talk to in your life. I thought all those things about the man I met.

I was dead wrong. I couldn't have been wronger in fact.

I will add finally that I did meet my husband now on an online site. It was slightly different though. It was a...ummm...swingers site and neither of us was actually looking for a relationship at the time. Just a bit of fun.

That particular bit of fun didn't turn out the way I expected it to either. lol But the ending so far has been much happier, and I know it's going to stay that way.

So, I'm not saying you can't have a meaningful relationship with someone online, but just be careful. There's a whole lot of distance both physically and culturally between Australians and Americans (in a lot of ways) and both countries have their fair share of wankers who you wouldn't want to be involved with anyway.

About the green card thing you were wondering about. I doubt that'd be it. There's not that many average Australians who feel they'd have it better in the US than they have it here. The lowest minimum wage for an adult here is about $12, with most people earning above award after a certain period of time doing their job right.

I hope this helps. I really don't know you from a bar of soap either, so for all I (and the rest of us) know, maybe your story is full of holes too, but I think we all just try to tell things from our own perspective and particular range of experience.

I can tell you for myself that I'd never even think about getting involved with your fellow, even though I live in the same country, let alone a country thousands of miles away.

I'm trying not to scaremonger here, but is there an online sex offenders register in Aus? if so, have you checked it, Treas? You have googled him, right?

If it's a 'matter of public record' then yes. You'll find it here or maybe here (this one is free and probably more relevant).

The only one you really have to watch out for is dennis ferguson though...and everyone knows where he is. lol (inside joke for the aussies)

This is the government organization that might be most helpful.

Good point monster.

I must admit, the thought crossed my mind, that it sounds like the mother's gone to a lot of trouble to block access to this man. I know, from friends' experiences, that this doesn't necessarily mean the guys done anything wrong, but there are so many genuine cases of abuse that her determination does ring a few warning bells.

Treas, let me preface this by saying you don't remind me of "Guinevere" at all (for a start, you are listening to the advice you are receiving...), but this thread does remind me of this 4-year, 80-page classic on an expats forum. some might find it amusing, some might find it horrifying, some might find it helpful -it scared and amused me in equal parts I would say.

You know, though, there is a similarity in that no-one wanted to "say anything" at first, but once they did, the floodgates opened. let's give Treas a break now, she's smart, she's got the point, she's on it :)

:ducking out:

Very interesting Monster!
But you notice we have a much better level of grammar and spelling here in the Cellar... so much for people knocking the US schools!?

If brit Expat sites were newspapers, that one is definitely "The Star" Or maybe "The Sun" at a push.

the Sarah Palin, if you prefer a political theme. :lol:

-sighs- Info update. Talked to Mick today on Yahoo messenger. Asked him some of the questions that have been brought up here. Yes, he says he DID run up to the girls in the mall the day he glimpsed them there. Says he asked for contact info but ex refused and MIL stepped in and started giving him hell. All he would tell me on this. As for legal aid, claims he has not gotten it yet "because things shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to do that."

And when I got after him about he should do WHATEVER it takes to find his girls, if he loves them as much as he says he does, I got accused of attacking him and of implying he was a bad father and he tried to guilt trip me for being "rude", "insensitive," and "kicking him like a dog." I told him, in essence, to pony the f*ck up and do what needed done.

Sadly, I'm beginning to understand why his ex left in the first place. Can we say high maintenance? He whines more than my dog when she's begging for bacon.

I think I see the beginning of the end of this one. -sigh-

I'm sorry things are difficult for you at the moment Treas. It's always disappointing when you find someone has a few skeletons in the closet.

Who knows though. Maybe your straight talking is what he needed. Maybe he'll go and sort his shit out. Either way, better he does it now than later right? The last thing you need is a whining man falling on your doorstep thinking the world owes him a favour for his slack attitude.

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing for you and your child.

Hey...I just had a thought. My ex is going to Darwin...today actually. Maybe I could get him to go punch this guy in the nose for you if he turns out bad. ;) My ex is a bit of a scrapper.

-grins- I thank you for the offer, Ali! Perhaps not a punch in the nose, but a kick in the arse would be appropriate right about now!

Nose...Arse...not a whole lot of difference really is there? Either way if you do it right, it's gonna bleed. ;)

-grins- Heard this from someone once... "We all enter this world naked, screaming, and covered in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing does not have to end there!" ... but that's another thread topic in and of itself, I think.

Hmmm...not sure I want to know much more about that quote. lol

-grins- I'll shut up then.

All I know is, that he hasn't done anything realistic, and tries to make other people feel guilty. I still think there is a reason he's not allowed to see his kids.

I get the compulsive liar vibe. Using his kids to get an emotive response, sucks.

All of your suggestions are going to suck, because I think he's a liar. Something about him tells me liar, liar, so f'ing lying. And the fact that he won't follow up with anything realistic or provide any proof of the run-ins makes him suck all the more. He just happened to run into them again, and got nothing arranged at all. Aaah whatever. It was cool of him to give you money though. I wonder what he wants. For real. I am a suspicious asshole, because his whole story still screams od fake, faking, liar. He got upset with you because you are asking real questions and he can't take the truth, because he's lying. Or not. I will screw off for now. But mark this, something is really really screwed up, and I think it's him. I think you're about to find out what's what...;)

Watch it!

My guard is THOROUGHLY up, especially after this morning's conversation. My red flags have been triggered, my spidey sense is tingling, my short hairs are all on end... you get the idea.

*nods*

Maybe now's a good time to start working this down to a platonic online friendship..

That's what I'm in the process of doing, Dana. A lot of the more intimate aspects of our relationship are slowly being pruned back. I'm not as open with him; I find myself editing and censoring myself about different things, especially when it comes to my child; I am not telling him every detail of my day anymore, being a lot more vague when he asks about how things are going with the ex, so on and so forth. I've got better sitting right here in the house, honestly....