Verbal smackdowns
 

There are many sharp wits and sharper tongues in the cellar, and sometimes it becomes necessary to administer a good verbal smackdown. What were your best?
Please distinguish between ones where you actually said it, and ones where you thought it but didn't say it, and ones where you thought of it five minutes later.

Here's mine:


Religious wanker: This pamplet could change your life! (inane smile)
Zengum (actually said): I like my life how it is, thanks.
Zengum (should have said): At least I've got a life, loser.

you mean In Real Life...not on the cellar?

i have 2 for jinx....that happened on the same day.

Guy in college: I got back together with my girlfriend, but I hope you and I can be friends.
What I said: Sure, we can still be friends.
What I should have said: I have enough friends right now, thanks, but if someone dies I'll call you.

Actually said:

Guy in bar, thinking he was funny and yelling across to me: Hey, you ever heard of 60 second sex?

Me: No

Him: Gotta minute? (hardy har har)

All heads turn to me

Me: OK, but what are we going to do with the other 45 seconds?

The crowd roars. Did this man not KNOW me? :lol:

so..... did he have one of those wtf she talkin about, looks.

His face got really red, and he slunk away by way of looking back down at his beer. He's one of those guys who thinks he's really funny, but isn't. :p SMACK. DOWN.

Is slunk a word?

past participle for slink.

'i have slunk'

slink slank slunk

:lol:

My personal favorite ( I think I may have posted this here before):

Waiting for a bus, standing in front of the bus bench looking in the direction my bus would be coming from. Guy on bicycle comes up fast behind me and stops. I move for him to go past and he looks at me and says "You know there's a REASON they make the sidewalks wide. So more than ONE person can use it!".

I replied "And theres a reason they call it a sideWALK.".

He rode away and flipped me off.

Door-to-door Salesman: Hi, how are--
Me (actually said): No, no, no, I can't do this now. [Shuts door.]
Me (should have said): Hey douchebag, are you illiterate, or did you just think the sign pasted over the doorbell that clearly says "Please Knock" only applied to people I like?

I thought I was working alone one day in a large home under construction. As usual I was singing, which is one of the few things I do well.
Some asshole came in with his tag along trainee entourage and asked me, "What did you do with the money?" I asked him, "What money?" He replied "The money your Mama gave you for singing lessons!"
Of course he got a huge giggle out of his punky ass wanna be trainees, which really rubbed me wrong. When the laughter subsided I answered "Oh. That money. Why I spent it at YOUR mama's house while your daddy was at work!"
Suddenly an eerie silence filled the room. His entourage was struggling to stifle the laughter. Poor dude never spoke to me again. Imagine that.

Evil Office Nemesis (now working on another site, but in for a visit):
So, have you got a boyfriend yet?
Cherry: Nope. Has your husband divorced you yet?

Okay, I didn't say it. I was too gobsmacked at her intrusive and very personal question. But by the time I recounted it to my OBF (office best friend) I'd thunk up that reply. Although now, with a bit more time, I'd reply, "No, but I'm getting fucked really well on a regular basis! And sometimes up the arse!"

Even if it is a lie. Ask a personal question, get a personal answer.

In an atmosphere of tension and backbiting with mass redundancies looming and secrets in the air:

Colleague 1: starts to tell me something colleague 2 said to her in confidence.

me: Charl, Stop there. *holds up hand a little* Seriously, if she told you that in confidence, I really don't think you should tell me.

Not a put down. But one of those times my mouth acted on what my instincts were telling me.

This morning: (and yes, we joke around like this all the time)


Co-worker: "See, I'm not as dumb as I look!"

Me: "You couldn't be."


:D

I often tell my daughter I couldn't possibly be as clueless as she thinks I am.

How about: Yes, has he divorced you yet?

Woulda bin a lie, and I was trying not to :(

Actually said:

Scene: tea-table, philosophy department, 1998, during the Commonwealth Games at which Australia was wiping the floor with all other nations (winning damn near HALF of all gold medals available).

Zengum: Really, there's not much point beating up on tiny nations with tiny GDPs and no sports budget.
New Zealand Colleague: Oh, we have to keep the Commonwealth Games. It gives Australia a chance to pretend it's America.
ZG: Oh, it does something far more important than that.
NZC: Oh really, what's that?
ZG: It gives New Zealand a chance to pretend it's Australia.

Bwahahahaaahaaa. She walked staight into that one.

About 20 years ago I was riding to work on the LL and it was so crowded there was nothing to hang on to so I stood jammed between a whole pile of people with my hands at my sides. The train lurched to a sudden stop sending everyone about two feet. In the jostle my hand slammed right into this woman's ass. She turned and looked at me and said "Fresh."

I gave her a WTF? look and said "Sorry." I mean everyone was thrown in that stop. As we got off the train she happened to go through the exit gate ahead of me and she turned to hold the gate open and saw it was me and she said something to the effect of "Keep your hands to your self."

I rolled my eyes and said "Don't flatter yourself, honey." and brushed past her.

Not up to Dorothy Parker's standards but I hadn't had my coffee yet and it at least left her with her mouth open.

Not verbal, but visual, and perfect IMO.... (if a little dangerous/crazy)

today....
driving, bus in front stopping, plenty of room for me to pull out and go past. Signalled, guy in outside lane floored it, determined not to let me out. I made it anyway (he was maybe 40 yards behind and just starting off from the traffic lights, so there was no way he would ever have been inconvenienced), so he proceeded to lean on the horn and then pull up beside me as I was waiting to turn left (him stopping traffic, still leaning on the horn because I refused to look round)

But I could here him yelliing "fucking bitch...." eventually, I looked round -if nothing else to judge whether he was crazy enough to pull out a gun... and he was all "you missed be by this much, you fucking bitch", holding his thumb and forefinger about 4 inches apart.... (bollocks, his headlights didn't even disappear from my vision in the rearview until I was almost past the bus, maybe he meant i missed his ego by that much, but anyway.....)

Well I was all ready to flip him the bird, but I couldn't help myself. he's showing me this 4 inches and so I shook my head and waggled my little finger. He punched my wing mirror (and failed to do it any damage) and drove off. Guess I hit a nerve? :lol:

I was pulled up at a red light and a car full of yobbos pulled up beside me. One of the blokes pops his head out the window and says, "Hey baby, come and sit on my face!", to which I responded, "Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?"

:thumb:

Working in the financial industry, I sometimes have to contact clients who don't have cash in their accounts to cover the checks they write. In one such instance, I called this lovely lovely client to ask how he wanted to cover the check he had written for a couple hundred bucks, and he tells me, completely unprompted, "For your information, I made more money this year than you'll probably make in your lifetime."
Without pause I responded, "Good for you sir. So you want me to go ahead and bounce this check then?"
I was floored. (All I could think of was "good for you?" I, sir, am an asshat.)

Ex-gf seen at local store and not acknowledged: [My name], don't you even recognize me?

Me: Recognize you, I don't even think about you.