The kind of love you never recover from
 

I just found out that my first crush from high school passed away several years ago. I was always so tongue tied around her I was never able to get past the awkward shy stage. Even as an adult, 20 years later, I could barely speak to her and I'm sure I sounded like a nutcase.

A mutual friend mentioned that she had passed on, shortly after I last saw her. Not that it would change my life now, but I will never have the chance to tell her how great she made me feel just to be near her, even if I couldn't speak.

I feel like a part of me has passed on with her, the potential of telling her what I was feeling and taking that risk.

The biggest part of the grieving process is getting over/letting go what could have/should have been. Some people never do.

Good luck. Take that energy and put it into relationships that can prosper from it.

My condolences are with you.

I'm sorry to hear that!

Most of the people you love leave a mark on you, in one way or another. I wouldn't call it "never recovering", but rather, "being affected by your relationships with people".

I bet she knew. And I bet it made her feel good too.

Sorry for your loss.

life, in a sense, is a constant series of losses

each time we make a decision, we lose the other choices we could have made. you chose a path that led you away from that love. all that time, though...you knew that you could....if it became clear that it was the wrong decision, have undone it, and at least tried to get back to that place. now she's gone, and you never can.

just remember, at times like these especially, that every day presents more choices and options.

What jim said.

Two of my brothers-in-law are in financial areas. They call this "opportunity cost".

very nice, jim. you're a mensch.

Does this knowledge change anything for any of us? Does knowing that we have choices, and we can choose to be happy, make anyone do so? Not in my experience. We are caught up in how we're "supposed" to be, and we make it easy for ourselves to believe that the happiness we shut out wasn't real. After all, how can happiness be real? It can only be real if it's fraught with obstacles and anger and coldness. The other stuff? Just fairy tale.

There is an important lesson to learn here, but man hasn't learned it much since the beginning of time, and I doubt we ever will.

I have made decisions based on practical measures of what was most likely to cause happiness over the long-term vs. what was thrilling me right at the moment. And in nearly every case, I was dead wrong.

I think that's what you mean, Shawnee, am I right? :(

I also have a "great love" from the past - my first real love affair. He's still alive and I think lives not too far from here, though I haven't seen him for almost 20 years. I think about him from time to time, wondering if I made the right decision (it was mutual, but I think I could've changed things if I really wanted to), if I should really still be with him. But I think we always look at these past relationships with the proverbial "rose colored glasses" and they seem more perfect than they really were. In reality, when I think about it logically, he was a mess and our relationship was a train wreck. Yet part of me still pines and thinks "oh, I loved him so."

I contacted my high school sweetheart and it went really bad. She called the state police and said I was a stalker to cover for her extra jealous husband.

I know the reality that the white hot passion will fade. I also see the very happy couples who were lucky enough geographically to find each other, and they remain happy and content (my younger bro and his wife, and lj and jinx) come to mind.

But I see so many more people going through the motions. They believe love won't sustain: stick with the known, even if every day is a lesson in futility and hostility.

I don't look back at my "first" love with much more than amusement: but as a grown up I know what choices are and most people will take the road most travelled. Certainly the emotions I experience now are contrasted by the crazy passions of youth, and I know the difference.

Me, I'm waiting by the dirt path wondering why, in this small time we have on earth, people would choose what is "supposed" to be, if what is supposed to be is a miserable existence.

All depends on your definition of happiness really. I would say, really, that overall I am happy. Warts and all kind of happiness. There's stuff that makes me miz from time to time...but I'm more or less happy with where I'm at, and happy with where I've been and I am totally convinced much of that is to do with conscious decision making. From time to time I have to remind myself though. It isn't always easy. Realising it really is ok to be who you are and not conform to society's ideas of how your life should go helps enormously. As does realising that happiness and cheerfulness are not necessarily the same thing. It is possible to be cheerful when you're unhappy. It's possible to be happy but depressed. That's one of the brilliant things about the mind. You can have more than one track running at any one time and once you realise that, you can (to an extent) choose which one to follow.

I agree. I think I'm relatively happy, though some days I don't feel so (like TODAY!)

You're right, it's just that it's not always easy. I am reminding myself of this today.

I am glad anonymous posted this: as is usual I apply it to my personal life, but I hope anon has happiness too in the choices (s)he made.

This thread brought a lot to the surface for me.

saw this on another site: "There's a reason the windshield is so much bigger than the rear view mirror." Thought it fit nicely here. And it just might be my new sig...rose colored glasses, and all. Totally know where you're coming from Anon, but if I really truly believed that one great one was it, I would still be with him, or he with me. Guess he really wasn't "the one." I don' tknow if I believe in "theone" anymore - more like a series of twos and threes.....

I don't believe in "THE" one. I think there are several, but they're scattered all about and you may or may not run into one of them. I also think people settle, way too often.

agreed X 2.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Here is the song I am referencing.

Christine Lavin
"The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From"
I know a couple; she sits in a rocking chair
Working puzzles; he watches TV upstairs.
She's got a secret she has never let out;
A man she thinks he never knew about.
She hasn't seen him in thirty years.
The mention of his name doesn't bring on tears.
If you ask her, "Are there any regrets?"
She'll tell you, "No," but she never forgets.
It was the kind of love you never recover from.
Even though she found another one
To take his place,
She never will escape the truth.
At times like this when the moon is right,
When the air is foggy like it is tonight,
She'll think about what might have been
If she had just held on to him.
I know a man who has done it all;
He has sailed the oceans; climbed the mountains of Nepal.
He lives high upon the avenue
With a beautiful wife, lovely children, too.
But there's a woman he still dreams about;
Certain things he has learned to live without.
If you ask him, "Are there any regrets?"
He'll tell you, "No," but he never forgets.
It was the kind of love you never recover from.
Even though he found another one
To take her place,
He never will escape the truth.
At times like this when the moon is right,
When the air is foggy like it is tonight,
He'll think about what might have been
If he had not let her slip away from him.
I read about a woman who said she never regretted anything she'd ever done.
Such arrogant words always seem to be spoken by those who then die young.
So here am I looking at you.
Oh, tell me, what are we gonna do?
Am I destined to be your regret?
Are you that one I'll never forget?
Years from now, will we curse the day
You let me let you walk away?
Isn't this too dear a price to pay
For the freedom of going separate ways?
This is the kind of love you never recover from.
Don't tell me that I'm gonna find another one
To take your place,
I never will escape the truth.
At times like this when the moon is right,
When the air is foggy like it is tonight,
I'll think how sweet life could be
If you would stay with me, oh stay with me.
This is the kind of love you never recover from.
Don't tell me that I'm gonna find another one
To take your place,
And try to face the truth.
Let me hold you close tonight.
The fog has lifted, the moon is so bright.
Think how sweet life could be
If you would stay with me, oh, stay with me.
This is the kind of love you never recover from.
This is the kind of love you never recover from

I have a few I'll never forget. Each one is not the end, and I am grateful to have known so many who imprinted on my heart the way they have. From the boy I never confessed my feelings to, to the man I have children with, they all three in some unique way were "The One".

I hope that the next "The One" I meet, if I'm lucky enough to meet another, is the one I spend the rest of my days with.

Yes it does, at least for me. Of course there is always the danger of rationalizing one's situation rather than changing it for the better. Reality checks are crucial.

Sometimes there isn't anything to add. For me I just feel some vauge internal agreement with alot of your replies.

"You don't know about lonely..... till it's chiseled in stone."

You know, when you are all wise and profound and shit, it really screws up my worldview. Stop it. :D

Several years ago, a late night web surfing episode revealed to me that the woman I had dated pretty seriously prior to meeting Selene had died of ovarian cancer. I hadn't even known she was sick, and it was like a complete kick in the face. She was such an excellent woman, and she was utterly smitten with me - she spoiled the shit out of me, always giving me gifts and fawning over me (things that actually made me uncomfortable, BTW). But, much though I liked her, enjoyed her company, admired her amazing musical talent - there was no real fire there, and so I broke it off with her rather than lead her on thinking we were going to be "it".

I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I'd stayed with her, and I will always regret that her illness and demise went without any sort of acknowledgement from me. Although I didn't have the really deep, gut wrenching love one seeks to have with a partner, I did love her. She was one of the best women I've ever been privileged to know. It was *me* that sucked.