My long-lost brother
 

I decided to put this here because it is about family relationships; hopefully this is a good place for it.

My mom emailed me today to tell me that she has made contact with my older brother, who she gave up for adoption at birth. He's ten years older than I am, which means my mom was 19 when she had him.

She told me about the existence of my brother about two years ago, when she started looking for him. Meanwhile, my brother had decided to seek her out, and his parents gave him documents with my mom's name on them. He found a phone number for her, but the number was disconnected, so it took another year for him to find her.

He wants to meet me and my sister who lives nearby; he's looked us up online and is just waiting for the go-ahead from my mom to contact us. He's just down in Corvallis, and I've even looked at his Myspace page... I'm kind of tripped out!

Also anxious, because my mom was, honestly, not the greatest mom and my sister is really angry at her, and I'm worried about this guy (my brother!) being disappointed.

Anyway. Still processing.

Leave your expectations behind and simply enjoy who he is.

I found my birth mother and two half sisters a few years ago. We didn't become super close (I only spoke to my sisters once), but my mother and I got to talk and spend some time together before she died last year. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

Two of my cousins are half-brothers (my one uncle had two kids,) and while neither was given up for adoption, the first one stayed with his mother while my uncle completely severed ties and eventually started his second family. It wasn't until after the uncle died that the two cousins were made aware of each other's existence, and finally got to meet.

They had more in common than they'd ever thought possible, and are now even closer than most brothers who grew up together. What I'm saying is, let your brother's relationship with your mom be what it is, and his relationship with you be its own thing. Don't let one affect the other, if you don't want to.

I met my birth family a few years ago and I think overall it was a very positive experience. In my case I was the one who found my relatives through a genealogy site.

Even if nothing develops, the closure is still there.

Good luck.

My parents abandoned me when I was 8. Recently I tried to used an Indian tracker to locate them. By chance, my mom calls me when she sees me on TV. I am finally reunited and I am extremely dissapointed. They were just very selfish and didn't really care about me for me. So I turned my back and never looked back. I guess what I learned was home is where you make it. No reason to pine away for a past that I can't change. I've got a great wife, friends and a bitchin car ('67 Plymouth convertible). What else do I need?

70hp per liter? :haha:

I looked at my brother's Myspace... I was really tempted to friend him, but then I thought that might be a little intense if I didn't make some kind of other contact first, but basically I got a little sense for who he is and I really liked him. :) He's middle-aged, kinda smart, kinda nerdy, and maybe I'm projecting but I got a sense of kinship from it. More tomorrow.

Worth repeating *smiles*

Hope it goes well Tiki. Keep us posted. Speaking as a sister, having a brother in your life rocks :P

My outer family had a similar kind of experience recently. A few years ago a long lost brother contacted my relative (my dad's cousin, I don't really know her that well. Only met her at dad's funeral, but knew of through family grapevine). When the family still lived in India, the boy, then 14 years old, was kicked out by his mum (my great-aunt). A couple of years later, the boy having left and not been seen since, the family left India.

Several decades later, my (2nd) cousin, whom I recently met at dad's funeral, discovered she had a brother (she'd been born after they left India) by chance, overhearing a conversation between her older sisters. When she asked her mum about him, she was told to forget about him, because he's "a bad lot". Poor bloody kid. A bad lot at 14?

Anyway. 50 years after he'd been kicked out of the family home in india, he found his sister. He'd been in England for many years by then. With his own family. He and his sister are still in contact.

I think it is cool Tiki. You all are adults now. Go for it and let the chips fall where they may. You make your relationships with each other now, not with or because of what you mom wants.

Is that you Joe?

Im 25, and found out at age 18 that the man I grew up with as a father was not my biological father. I met my biological father a few months later.

It is honestly, a very strange experience. Supposeably, my mom kept me from him because he was still in the party scene while she was trying to get out.

For me, it did not make much difference. My dad who raised me never treated me any different than my brothers or sister who were only half related to me, and if anything he treated me better.
I met my biological father and stayed with him for awhile. I think he was searching for a family. He has since had a family of his own, two kids, two step kids and a wife, and it seems like he doesnt really have a need for me anymore.

Honestly, it was all kinda pointless to me. I was the one who would call him, until I said fuck it, there is no point. He has not called in over 3 years, I am not any better for knowing about him. I dunno.

It is a strange experience, I can tell you that though. Living 18 years thinking one thing, and BAM, here is something to blow your mind.

God, that must have been so weird.

Hell yea! Is that you, Zander?????

http://thm-a01.yimg.com/image/040b3b070cd9d998

I just met a couple of my brothers. It was a rewarding experience. :)

I can't imagine suddenly finding something like that out. My identity is so locked in with my immediate family, it'd destabilise me greatly I think.

I often dream about it, and in the dreams revert to being a teenager and hating my parents for doing that to me. I have no idea how it would feel in real life, but I can't help thinking I'd feel a huge betrayal from the lies, even if it was lying by omission.

Perhaps if I found out my Dad had a child he knew nothing about, from before he met my Mum, I would be okay. But even so, I'd be hurt that they bothered to lie about him being a virgin on his wedding night (not for want of trying, they added).

I suppose it's different if it's never come up in any way. As family would be careful about if there was a secret. And of course in situations where the other family member is known about but not in contact.

It must be fascinating. Especially where you already have siblings, so are aware that sibling relationships can go either way. It must be much harder with a parent reunion. The only role model you have for that is obviously someone you love unconditionally, which is unlikely to happen again.

I just talked to my favorite sister today, and as a result of learning about our newly-found brother having Aspergers, she went and was evaluated for it and it turns out she has it too. Which, as it happens, is completely not a surprise at all... in fact, rather than being surprising, it makes perfect sense.

I had/have a long lost brother. He disappeared when I was 10 (he was 19). Moved on with life for the next 25 years then "poof" there he was again. It was pretty cool for little awhile. Then the kind of person he was started to show through.

I disappeared from him. That was 10 years ago.

I hope your experience has better results.

I am older than my "long-lost" brother -- he disappeared from my family when he was 18 (I was 23). He briefly surfaced to introduce my parents to his kids, and their baby-momma... When that failed to produce much $$ from the 'rents, he disappeared again.

His wife sent us a two line condolence email, six months after my father died. That's when we knew there would never be another attempt at reconciliation.

According to the cuckoo woman-who-married-my-dad (was never and will never be stepmother), I have a half brother somewhere back east. Don't know how much validity there is to the story, dad's dead so I can't ask him, and I've lived this long with just one brother, don't see any need to stir things up.

When I graduated from college and got my own place some years ago, my mom gave me my original birth certificate for safe keeping, among other papers. Shortly after that, I noticed the box that notes previous children was filled in. There was an X next to 'deceased'. Neither parent has ever mentioned anything about an older, now dead, sibling and I don't think I'm going to bring it up. If they haven't told me about it now, I don't think I'll ever hear about it. I've never felt upset or angry about it... I am curious but I don't see how it'll really change my life for better or worse for knowing anything more.

For what it's worth, Cyber, I think chances are good it was a miscarriage, which still counts as a "previous pregnancy" from a medical standpoint. They're surprisingly common. And when the child effectively never existed in your life, it's easy to never mention it again--very different than losing, say, a toddler and deliberately obliterating all photos and other evidence of this child. Maybe that changes your perspective on it or maybe not, I don't know.

Very good point, Fobble.

Yes Clod that makes a great deal of sense. After losing my first daughter, I considered for years whether and/or when to tell my other children. As it turns out, they were told and we all share the same angel.

Yeah, that is a good point, Clod. I hadn't really considered that... I guess because of the way the certificate makes it sound. It doesn't really change my perspective on the whole issue, but it adds a bit of insight. If that be the case, I can understand more why the matter was never brought up. It does make me think a bit more about my own birth though. I was a full-term C-section baby. My mom had told me this, but never went into why (breach position, medical issue, just didn't wanna go natural, I don't know). It's not a touchy subject though. We often joke about how she wasn't entirely there when I was born. :D And apparently, I punched the OB in the first couple of minutes...

Well, s/he smacked you, you punched back... it all seems perfectly fair to me! :)

PS: Who won?

Actually, he said he considered it a draw. I got to meet him a few years ago. Retired now, delivered hundreds of babies but said he still remembered me.