Momdar 1926-2009
 

Momdar has passed. Mom hated attention and she waited until no one was in the room. Just like her.

The hospice nurse was pleasant and efficient. The funeral guy was also good at his job and did not try to upsell. Mom and Dad had preplanned. The only thing we did was to put the notice in the paper for an extra day.

I'm lost.

My condolences, Dar, be strong, don't be shy to cry.

Oh dar! I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though you were expecting this, it is such a terrible shock for you and your family.

So sorry, dar.

Sorry for your loss dar.

Sorry dar. The end must be difficult no matter what.

I'm so sorry to hear that, dar.

I'm sorry, Dar. Condolences to you and your family right now. :(

Sorry to hear that, Dar. You have my sympathy.

ach. sorry, dar.

Aw crap. I'm sorry, man.:(

Dar that's terrible for you, I'm so sorry.
From my friends who were student nurses, people die more commonly alone than in the company of family. It's not the family's fault for leaving them alone, it's a built-in reflex to die quietly and alone.

I have no idea if this is true, but it feels right at least.

My thoughts are with you, and all I can advise is acceot every feeling as it comes. There is no real schedule for grief. If it feels right for you, it is right.

Love given x

So sorry Dar, my condolences.

It must be hard lose a parent. My sympathies to you.

I'm so sorry, dar. My love to you and your famiy.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Dar. Sending sympathy vibes your way. :(

I am very sorry for your loss, Dar.

Inappropriate though it probably is, I have to note that Momdar is a great term -it speaks to me of a combination of the following mom qualities:

"Eyes in the back of the head" ...to know when you're being naughty
"Batsense" ...to know when you need them even though you've given no physical indication
"Fine Tuning" ...to know that crying voice in the playground of 100 kids is yours, and to know if it's a cry that needs intervention or not -without looking up

Dar I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your mom. From reading on here it was very apparent how close you were and how the distance was troubling you as the end was nearing. Perhaps she too was aware. Moms are like that.
If there is anything..........

I'm sorry for you loss Dar.

sorry for your Loss dar

My condolences to you and your family. :sniff:

My deepest condolences.

Aw crap. :(

That's what your family is for, you may be lost for a bit, but you won't be alone. You've got a second family for backup, here too.

My condolences Dar. Hang in there and hang out here: you'll find your bearings again.

My thoughts are with you and your family, dar. :(

Please accept my condolence. May you find peace in this time of grief.

I wish I could send comfort. My condolences to you dar.

I'm so sorry, dar. :(

I am so sorry, dar. I tried to say several clever and witty things, but it's all falling flat, so I'll stick with what I know. The pain, the frustration, the humiliation of having others provide intimate care services, all of that, it's over. That space occupied a very small part of her life, so remember the rest of it, and gently let go of the not so good stuff.

I hope this isn't becoming a trend here, people.

All I can offer you is a digital hug. But...
If you truly believe--it becomes a real hug.

Been there done that, about two years ago. It really sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss, dar. Take care of yourself.

Well said Wolf. So sorry Dar - sounded like you were pretty close. Hugs to you and yours.

Mom's Eulogy
 

Mom, maybe more than most, was hodge-podge of things – difficult if not impossible to summarize. If this all sounds a bit disjointed, I'm going to blame it on Mom.

Mom was born in July of 1926. A little over 3 years later the stock market took a nose dive and the great depression began. Mom said they never went hungry. Her dad sold fruit and vegetables from a truck in those years and everything not sold got eaten at home. I don't know how much effect that had – growing up in the depression. But I can tell you that Mom saved everything. Cindy's been sorting through Mom's paperwork – which we really appreciate. I think she's up to 1989 now.

Just out of high school, Mom was looking for work and submitted her application to Southwestern Bell. They were so impressed with the precision of her handwriting, that they offered her a job as a draftsperson. The very first woman draftsperson at Southwestern Bell, as it turns out. ::: We got to hear this story more than once as kids. It was our family's version of an Aesop's fable – pointing out the virtues of doing a good job on even the smallest task.

Later Mom did bookkeeping and general office work for Mr. Unland's construction company.

But Mom spent most of her working years as an artist and small business owner. The boxes and thing you see here are her work. For 30-something years, Mom painted and sold decorative objects, taught painting classes and created designs and projects to sell.

She was a talented artist, I think -- not that she would have used that word. Crafts – she might have said. Mom was never one to put herself forward.

Likes:
Crafts and artwork
Kids especially babies. (Baby in the commercial story. Baby had Mom's entire attention until the commercial was over)
chocolate – most desserts
Apple computers (more on that later)
Mom liked games. Cards, board games, computer games.
Apeiron – shoot em up
Most days played solitaire on the computer before going to bed


Dislikes:
Chinese restaurants – she said it was because you couldn't get a salad or bread.
Pretentious people – she didn't count herself better than others and she didn't like it when other people did.
Anything of a personal nature being aired in public. She was quite crotchety when ads for pads and so forth started appearing on TV. What's next, she would say, jock straps? I never heard her say anything about ads for viagra. Maybe she'd given up by then.

+++++

Your parents influence you in a zillion ways in the many tiny moments that make up your time together. And you never know which moments will affect your kids.

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, Mom got me a bunch of science-fiction paperbacks. She'd managed to find a salesperson knowledgeable in the area and had them pick out some of the best stuff. I still have those paperbacks. Which, I guess shows that I don't throw things out either. I still enjoy science fiction and I guess Mom had something to do with that.

When I was a teen, channel 11 used to run short reel mysteries on Saturday afternoon. I particularly liked the Charlie Chan movies. Mom and I would often watch these together and we'd compete to see who could guess the bad guy first. “You watch. The butler will turn out to be the ingenue's father”. “No, no. I think the laundry guy is actually the vengeful ex-partner in disguise.” I still can't watch a movie without trying to guess ahead as to how it's going to come out.

Today I program computers for a living (is that the Science Fiction influence?) and finding bugs or problems in the code is a more interesting mystery than most CSI shows.

Mom ended up with the computer bug, too. In 1988, Mom was able to get a Macintosh computer at a discount through Cindy's work at General Dynamics. I'm not sure what Mom thought she was going to do with it, but it started a fascination that continued right up to the end.

Mom has had 3 or 4 more Macs since the first one. Mom would hang on to a computer as long as possible. But when she would upgrade, she'd always get top-of-the-line. Her current computer is better than what we've got in the server room at work.

Lynn and I moved away many years ago. But each time we'd be in town, Mom would think of something for me to upgrade or fix on her computer. I think it was one of her ways to make sure we spent some time together.

Mom was not much for giving praise. But every time she called me to come upgrade her hardware or her software I knew it was her way of saying “I love you”. And every time I spent hours getting something to work right, she knew I was saying “I love you too”.

One of the last things Mom said to me was to take care of her computer.

++++++++

Mom was not much for coming to you. Maybe it had something to do with not putting herself forward. But she loved when people came to visit her.

You could see it in the way Mom enjoyed having the Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve parties. She never wanted to be the focus of attention, even as hostess. But she loved having everyone there. You could often find her sitting back in the corner -- watching the action with a smile on her face.

So thank you all for being here tonight and allowing Mom to have her family and friends visit – one last time.

Mom just after WWII
 

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Thanks for inviting us to the party. :notworthy

dar, that's beautiful. She's beautiful. Thank you.

:notworthy

Absolutely beautiful, both your mother and your words.

Well done, sir, a fine tribute.

A beautiful tribute. Thanks dar

A lovely tribute for a lovely lady. Fabulous photo, dar. Well done, and hugs to you and your family.

My deepest sympathy Dar. *hug*

The eulogy is beautiful. Your mum sounds like she was a wonderful person. I'd have loved to know her. And she was beautiful too. Her picture looks like a great actress from the golden age of Hollywood.

Your mom was a very pretty lady. I'm sorry for your loss Dar. What's with everyone's mom dying lately? I'm worried about mine too. She's having health problems.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. The response here helped me get through last week.

My condolences for you and your family. That was a lovely tribute and a great photo.

My condolences also. And that was an excellent eulogy. Sounds like she raised a damn-fine Dar. I shall pray for her soul's repose.

I usually love to post following UG because he makes me look so darn good by comparison. But not this time. Let the record show I agree with UG completely. Then burn the record and shred the ashes.

dar, your lovely and loving tribute to your mother made me cry. Clearly she was a wonderful woman, based on what you've told us, and equally clearly she was a wonderful mother, based on what we've all seen of you over the years. You're passing on those parenting influences just as you think ahead at the movies and sleuth your way through that code. It is that kind of living mark left on you that represents a kind of immortality that, I hope, will bear your up when you feel crushed by grief. The grief and sadness in you will pass. Her love for you lives on in your memories and words and actions.

I'm here for you dar.