Serious: Relationships & Opinions
 

I need a little advice. Please put on your serious hats and help me out.

I'll tell you this first -- I am a fairly conservative chick, politically. But not totally. I like to think I've got an open mind, an informed mind, a logical mind.

My husband, OTOH, is a conservative on par with Beck & Limbaugh.

Don't hate him. I think he's just suffering through a confused mid-life crisis. He'll get better eventually.

But the question is, what the hell do you do when the person you love most has some really stupid political philosophies? When he's sometimes downright bigoted and homophobic?

One thing you do is, when he says he wants you to sign him up for the National Review, you say OK but "forget" to do it. :)

And you nod and uh-huh a lot, hoping he's just in a bad mood and really, he doesn't feel that way when he's more rested. Surely not.

I love the guy, he's got a lot of positive attributes, but this isn't one of 'em, and I don't know how to cope. You know what he'd say if I argued with him? He'd say that I was learning a bunch of Liberal crap from that college I go to. As if I am the one being brainwashed vs. actually learning facts. I have to report to him all the time on this or that prof who made a statement indicating he or she is not a flaming Liberal just to make him happy. My editing prof, for example, what a relief! Not that I care, it's just nice to have balance.

This is driving me nuts.

I work around some Limbaugh and Rush addicts. Same with the bigoted and homophobic statements, which really are inappropriate in the work place. I call them out on some stuff but they act like I have just spoken against the written Word. In the end I usally just stare at them like they have 2 heads and ignore them. But I don't have to live with them. Why can't you just sit down and have a discussion with him and say, look I respect that you have these views, but most of it is way to extreme for me and I don't think like that. Certainly you can have that discussion witih him.

When he says something you vehemently disagree with, one technique is to simply reply: "You're certainly entitled to your own opinions; however, you're not entitled to your own facts." Then continue with whatever you were doing as if you had him on ignore. After hearing that reply, repeatedly, most people will realize that just standing on a soapbox doesn't cut it anymore. Don't argue with him: wait until the bravado tones down and he's willing to discuss the issues. Keep in mind that he may find your recently acquired scholastic knowledge intimidating; so, accentuate the gist rather than the source. :2cents:

Don't let him treat you like a child. As long as he's doing that, he's not going to respect that you have a right to your own opinions. You shouldn't have to "report to him" about anything. sexobon nailed it re facts and opinions.

Nothing used to piss me off more when i was with J, than when I took him to task about the way we were training/raising Pilau and he'd say "Oh you've been talking to your mum"

Fuck you. I have formed my own fucking opinions thankyou very much,. How dare you suggest that I am so weak minded as to just be led by the nose and 'given' my opinions by someone else.


I may be wrong, but that attitude seems to be a male one towards women and not so much the other way around. Very paternalistic. Even J, who was/is pretty right on in matters of gender politics had a tendency to resort to that shit in an argument.

How would it be if you were to suggest he's been brainwashed by the media?

My Mom used to keep my Dad on track but she was a pretty strong personality. Now that she's gone he is over the wall. I'd say educate yourself on a few non-negotiable issues and call him on it when he crosses the line. If he is surrounding himself with like-minded media, he will need a dissenting voice. Don't push it to an argument all the time just lay down the speed bump consistently.

I would probably gently tell him what you said here. You feel like you have to justify your classes to make peace and that you would appreciate it if he would give you the consideration of having your own opinions either way.



If something is making you uncomfortable then establish that personal boundary. If establishing boundaries is a new thing in your relationship then expect some bumps of course but lovingly stay firm about what YOUR expectations are.

I think everyone has posted some very good ideas, juni.

and when he brings up the liberal college stuff, remind him it's an ROTC college and (i've found it to be) pretty damn conservative - faculty AND student body.

Juni, I think you are in for a bumpy ride here. You are on the path to enlightenment with the degree you are pursuing - education always opens the mind and lights up the dark stuff. Your husband isn't. How your relationship progresses from now on will be entirely up to you and what you are willing to endure. If you have a lot of patience, then Griff's suggestion is golden, but keep in mind, because your husband has already set up a certain pattern of dominance over you, it will be a long haul.

It is my experience that overt bigotry or Conservatism often has an underpinning of either emotional trauma, spiritual brainwashing, or both. Unfortunately, the only treatment for those things is an open mind. I wish you the best. I fear that the divisiveness in our world is going to increase before it lessens, and so the stress between you two may pose a greater challenge in the coming months and years. Keep you head about you at all times, and remember that, as long as one of you is rational and balanced, and loves the other person, there's always hope.

WTF? You think those things are related and of the same route causes?

*Overt*, as in over the top. I'm not saying you have to be traumatized to be a Conservative. I'm fairly politically conservative myself, by the old school definition - not by this newfangled religious fanaticism metric.

Oh, ok, thanks for clarifying that.

It was a fair cop on your part. What Juni describes in her original post sounds to me like she's dealing with someone who is your typical "Limbaugh said it, I believe it, that's the end of it" sort of Conservative, and those kind are not expressing a healthy view of the world.

Yep, Els, I totally understood what you meant the first time. And in this case it's not quite "Limbaugh said it . . .", it's more a blend of Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity and Coulter. :eyebrow: Fox News is always on at our house, to the point where we'd save a lot of money if the cable co. would just let us subscribe to one channel.

I don't watch TV much. :)

I get my news from DRUDGE.

Kidding.

Ouch - thats a quad-fecta of extremists! :eek:

I know, right? :D

He is who he is, you are who you are. You either work together or you don't.

However, willfully forgetting the magazine subscription is petty.

You owe him that National Review, and add a subscription to the Limbaugh Letter on for good measure.

Els, the same might be said of you darn lefties.

No, it's not petty. The National Review is EXPENSIVE. Sixty bucks for 24 issues.

He won't read it anyway. He says he will, but he won't. Not really a reader.

Forgetting the magazine subscription is only petty if the magazine was for him. Maybe I misread, but it seemed like she was saying he told her to get it for herself.

Edit: Nevermind, Juniper clarified. I change my answer to: why does he need her to order it in the first place? If he wanted it that badly, he'd get it done I'm sure.

Nope, I'm pretty much his personal assistant. :)

But actually, I think I did tell him that if he wanted it badly enough, I'd pick him up some back issues at the library.

Agreed. They make me want to puke. Or punch them in the face. But since the guy I deal with pays me I shall refrain.:D

Iron his shirt.

Gladly. Anything to get out of mowing the lawn, cleaning up dog poo and cleaning the chicken coop.

Me too, but after I snap the fuck out, they avoid me for a couple months.

My second wife voted for Nixon (2nd time), and couldn't wait to tell me. I don't miss her.

Juni, roll your eyes and say, "whatever".

Yeah, that's generally been my strategy. Just wondered if anyone had advice for something more productive. :)

Yeah, I know that, but I generally just spend the time thinking up places to hide the bodies. In other words, I got nuthin' at the moment. :o


edit, unless you want to paint Cellar.org on your naked chest and....

Oh, shut up. :blush:

Yes Ma'm. :o

I'd say start with regular AlAnon meetings and see where it goes form there. I've never been, but practically everyone I know goes, and after a while they all seem to be feeling much better about everything.
Uncanny.

Not really uncanny, belonging to a group where you feel you belong, having people available that understand, and can commiserate, when you talk about what bothers you most. Especially when what bothers you is hard to explain, hard to express.

hmm...currently at work, so I haven't read through the other posts, so forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but do you both bicker about politics with the criticism you demonstrated in your first post?

Don't take offense, because we are all guilty of it, but of course it's always easier for an outsider to give the two cents, in these situations.

If both you and your husband exhibit to the other person that you are unwilling to bend or listen (you both HEAR what the other person has to say, but really, are you LISTENING!?), then it'll be a constant struggle. The fact that you said, "you know what he'd say if I 'ARGUED' with him"...indicates that you both are probably on complete opposite sides of the spectrum and that you are already aware that when it comes to politics, both sides are more closed than opened.

My mother was ultra-conservative and bigoted to the point where she probably figured Hitler had a good idea. I myself am pretty liberal and try to be open minded about other cultures/ethnic groups. I tried to never ever discuss politics with her and if she did get going on one of her rants, I would leave the room if possible. It has been my experience that once people acquire certains ideas, it is extremely difficult to change their minds. You just have to accept that the person is what they is.

Nah, he and I aren't complete opposites, he just takes it farther than I do. MUCH farther. Sometimes I can't decide if he really feels that way, or if he's just saying it to yank my chain. Or to mess with other people. He does that sometimes. :)

probably to yank your chain then, if you display a noticeable reaction. I admit I'd probably do the same just to mess with my signitficant other. ;)

Sometimes the chain breaks, and the yanker gets hurt. :eyebrow:

I would strongly agree. The hard part is NOT letting the other person's beliefs and standards take you down a road you don't want to be on.

I woulda shot him by now, so I have no advise to give you, Juni. :shotgun:

What was it Anita Liberty said? She was defining compromise in relationships when this little definition came out.

Compromise: Lowering my high standards just to meet yours.:p

I repeat, I am *not* a leftie. I am a MOR/slightly Right leaning, non partisan American. Yes, there are extremist Lefties, too.

Someone mentioned that he might feel threatened by your new educational path, Juni. Is this arguing about politics something that's got worse since you started college?

Nope. I'm just not quite as good at ignoring him as I used to be. :)

Obama's election, and the right wing rhetoric that resulted, probably has him pumped up.