Desperately seeking my senior cowboy!
 

I wander off to other places around the net, but somehow the Cellar always draws me back. I’d like to report one of my experiences out there in Internet land as a cautionary tale for any of you here who may be considering growing old.

(Note: This is long but too bad. You can just not read it. I'm old and I get to do what I want!)

It started innocently enough with a visit to Face Book to play Scrabble. Face book tends to baffle me and I’m not that excited about accumulating a list of 300+ “friends” or leaving a cryptic message on someone’s wall. However, you can sometimes pick up a good game of Scrabble there, so I do not ignore Face Book completely.

Anyhow, I recently visited the Scrabble page only to become distracted by the admonition, “Meet your cowboy! Join Senior People Meet.com.” I immediately had an image of riding off into the sunset with Walter Brennan, but my curiosity overcame my morbidity.

Besides, I am 59 and live in a dinky, isolated town where all the good men in my age group are either taken or dead. I wanted to see if the same was true in the rest of the world.

Of course, being part of the Face Book military/industrial complex, I had to pay up to do much of anything on SPM. The sign up screen offered a month’s worth of browsing silver foxes for only $14.00. I figured the entertainment factor alone would be worth $14.00, so I punched in the info from my credit card. Immediately, the message came back that with fines, fees, penalties and assessments, my card had been charged $18.00. Fuckers. But I let it go.

For the purpose of my research, I decided to be as honest as any other reasonable senior. I posted a current picture in my profile, rather than the cute one taken 10 years ago. I admitted to “a few extra pounds.” But I decided that since some of my fellow geezers might have weak hearts, I’d leave the scary stuff out of my profile – just another nice old lady still looking for her prince – that was me.

Ladies, I’m here to tell you that age does not improve a guy’s pick up lines, ignorant attitudes, or down right arrogance. Every since the early days of Internet match-making, I have become instantly irritated with guys who like “long walks on the beach” and “snuggling by the fire.” You see these lines in about half the male profiles on any dating site. Even guys from Nebraska like long walks on the beach and guys from Hawaii like snuggling by the fire.

Do all you men out there get together at the bar and exchange tips? “Write that you love to walk on the beach. She’ll think you’re a real sensitive guy,” Bubba tells Billy Joe. Then they both snigger and belch loudly. Guys, guys, guys – listen up! Women HATE long walks on the beach – especially on a date. We have to remove our favorite heels, so they don’t get ruined by salt and sand. Then we soldier on grimly as the sand wears holes in the feet of our panty hose. And WHAT was that slimy thing I just stepped on?

And “snuggling by the fire” is a phrase included by men who completely lack originality and who would much prefer to be out on the lake fishing, but lack the courage to reveal this to potential soul-mates. I would rather read about a guy’s pet tarantula collection than snuggling by the fire. At least tarantulas are interesting in a kind of disgusting way. And they are certainly evidence of a possibly zany outlook on life.

Anyhow, I posted my profile alongside those of about 100 other senior ladies from Colorado who all mysteriously appeared to be closer to 16 than 60. Everyone go buy stock in Botox companies NOW. The baby boomer ladies are getting OLD and they’re going to show up on a dating site on a computer near you. I decided to leave off sizing up the competition – it was too depressing. Instead, I clicked through the men’s profiles, sizing up potential victims err soul mates.

I am pleased to report that my own personal version of Murphy’s Law remains in effect. The silver foxes whose pictures and profiles made my little heart go pitter pat ignored all my attempts at getting their attention. My “flirts” and messages were all ignored by the foxes.

On the other hand, every crazy or oddball or mental defective who ever crawled out of the sewers of the Internet bombarded me with attention. They didn’t bother to read my profile because they were on a MISSION, or else they needed cataract surgery so they could see to read again. Sometimes it was hard to tell which.

One wanted to know if I spoke in tongues. (Only when I’ve been off my meds for several weeks and that hasn’t happened for a while now). One sent me a laconic message of just one line, “Had 10 bikes and never broke a bone.” Harleys? Schwinns? Was there some deeper message here? I decided there was – early onset Alzheimer’s.

A lot of guys sent me a “flirt” but when I checked out their profiles, they read “Will tell you later. Send message.” Right. Were these guys lazy or arrogant or both? I’m the one with a page long profile and I’m supposed to reveal even more while they remained shrouded in mystery? Maybe they have arthritis in their hands which prevents them from typing. Or maybe they’re serial killers who don’t want to fess up just yet.

My trial month isn’t up, but I’m already beginning to think that the old ladies who live by themselves in a house full of cats may be wiser than they are generally given credit for. In fact, maybe I’ll try posting my cat’s picture for a while. I’d still get all those flirts from the elderly gentlemen with cataracts. “I can tell you are my soul mate. You have such big green eyes and a cute little pink nose. I’d love to take you for a long walk on the beach and snuggle by the fire afterward. Please reply soon. My doctor doesn’t give me much time.”

(dedicated to XOXOBruce - the King of Silver Foxes) ;)

That was really entertaining reading Sam. Thanks for sharing, although I'm sorry you haven't had more luck. xox

No one wants to grow older, but it's better than the alternative.

Better luck Sam.;)

Sam - that was very entertaining - though, like Ali, sorry about your experience.

I'm afraid you are right on the money, though. Don't fret: Solitude is balm for loneliness.

I am usually (90% of the time) alone but I am never lonely. I'd rather be with myself than some psycho killer (cleaning his hair out of the drain) and the love/romance/marriages I HAVE had have been enough. Believe me, I've thought about this and if I never have another relationship what I have had was plenty and fulfilling and more than most people get. I have experienced transformative love and heart break and hatred...i've done it all, baby!!

Echoing Brianna and Ali.

Superbly written, Sam :)

TY Monster and everyone else. Brianna, I couldn't agree with you more. I've had a 20 year marriage that was good until the final couple of years. I've had several long term relationships - some great, some awful. Now that I'm living alone, I do get lonely at times, but mostly I'm comfortable with my own company. And if I need companionship, I can just pick up the phone and call one of my friends.

And actually, there are a couple of guys who may be possibilities, so who knows? At the very least its been an entertaing experience!

I love being alone with my cats. I consider myself truly free. I'd consider dating (if a nice, bodymod friendly silverfox came along), but never marriage. Other sites might work better. In my experience, many of the guys on dating sites are married and/or lying, though.

Great storytelling talent Sam. You could be writing editorials. ;)

Heeeeeere's your sign...

If you're not careful, you'll get a rep as a "crazy cat lady". Or are you already?

:D

oh, I am already, no doubt. I figured out yesterday that I've been single for 26 years since I broke up with my husband. No regrets at all.

Thank you Sam. :blush:
Now you know why everyone pushes you to get married when you're young, both male and female. They're afraid you'll discover single, while not perfect, isn't all that bad. :haha:
Married and single both have benefits and drawbacks. When you have a mate, what you expect/want/need from them may be totally alien to their thinking. There's no standard by which you can say, if I marry I must do this and that, but not that and the other. Makes for a tough vetting.
As for the men writing the beach walks and fire snuggling being clueless, you bet your bippy... we all are. Oh some are a little more adept at picking up what you want to hear, but what you really want, not a fucking clue.

Huh?

did you say something?

One thing that makes being young and single difficult, is being told by my elders that one day I'll change my views on marriage/long-term relationships, and about having kids. Trying to force my way into thinking like them. They dismiss my beliefs as if I'm a flippant, silly young girl. I take myself and my beliefs damn serious, and its frustrating to be treated otherwise. To me its nice to get a different perspective about single hood later in life, not that I ever took my elders' perspective all that serious since most of them seem less than satisfied in their relationships.

That's what I said.

I don't dismiss your views, and I'm certainly not trying to convince you that one way is better than the other. In my experience most people don't end up changing their overall views about marriage, in the long run. Those who crave independence end up in marriages that give each other a lot of room, if they do end up with someone. However, do remember that your views about having kids are determined in large part by hormones over which you have no control. On your 36th birthday you may wake up thinking "Holy shit I have to have a baby, gotta make that happen now!" and it will have nothing to do with your philosophical or logical views on the subject. You also may not. But biology is working against you on that one.

I have a couple of female cousins who were dead set against having kids, then in their mid 30's everything changed. Everyone in the family was very surprised. None of us every thought either of them would have kids.

Life is funny like that.

My clock never ticked and now never will.

Same here Pico.

I think I expected I'd meet my perfect man and he'd talk me into having kids and OMG I'd be amazing and nothing like my Mum or my Nan...!
However, hearing my sister (who was Lil Miss Sugar and Spice & All Things Nice) scream at my nephew this afternoon, turns out the family temper does breed true down the female line, and my poor unfertilised eggs were better off as they were.

There is still time, but given that my social cirlce is my family, teachers at school and errr.... well that's it.... I'm not really expecting that I'll ever meet anyone eligible before I hit the menopause.

I don't think I really mind - I love my 90-odd kids (30 in Class 2a on Wednesdays, 30 in Class 2 on Fridays and the 30 I was with last year). I've spread my net wide in terms of being remembered.

If I won the Euromillions tomorrow I would have a baby.
Maybe I'd advertise - because I'd want my baby to have a father and yet not be financially dependent on him.
Without that minor miracle I'll settle for being an almost spinster almost school-marm.

Nope. :headshake

Great read Sam. I bet you are not alone in your thoughts about the internet dating thing in your current circle of friends.

Nice scribblin, missy.
 

Mating is madness pure n simple, see also: strip clubs, ladie's night, plastic surgery. :3eye:
Strikes me that finding "the one" I could live with without going bonkers is alot like locating the one pre-1963 silver half dollar coin in a bag full of the silverless clunkers they coined after that: I'll know when her when I see, hear and hold her, but the odds are ridickylus.