What would you do? What would you think?
 

Here's a bit of background:

My parents were divorced back in 1968, when i was 7 1/2.
I saw my father maybe 4-5 times after that and he had re-married a few months after the divorce.
Back in 1996, shortly after my Mom found out she was dying (cancer) she had to leave her job and go on Disability. After she had applied, she was informed that she was also eligible for Widow's benefits since her former husband had passed away and she had been married to him longer than his 2nd wife.
Mom passed away in March of 1996, before she could collect anything.

When my sisters enquired about the date & cause of death of our father, just for family medical background history information, they were told we would have to go down to the office, fill out a bunch of forms and pay a fee. Since none of us cared enough to do that (he was an abusive jerk who gambled away a not-so-small fortune in businesses he and my Mother owned; and then literally left in the middle of the night after cleaning out my Mom's purse).

Flash back to more current dates, periodically, I will do web searches under his name just to see if any info has become available on when and where he died. In December, I found this article from the NYT:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/re...Njzo.html?_r=1

My boss was able to do a Lexis/Nexis search and it is indeed him and his 2nd wife. Same names and ages, etc.

My question is, would you get in touch with him if this was you? after over 40 years? I have very few memories of him, none of them good.

Well ... you're an adult now, maybe he is too?

Personally, I'd say regretting having met him again will be easier to get over ...

I wouldn't, but that's me. Unfortunately you'll have to make your own decision.

Nope.

So. Not dead, then?

What are your motivations for contacting him. Curiosity? Rage? (You want to tell him off.)

If it's because you want an apology, then I have my doubts.

I agree. Will you worry at this like a wobbly tooth if you don't?
I would leave it, if it were me. But I'd probably then regret it in 20 years time.

Not much help, sorry.

I think the only reason I would get in touch with him would be to see the look on his face when i told him his only son (and most hated child) is gay. :-)

The health history idea is a good one the revenge shocker maybe not so much. tough call bro

What about the look on your face when he tells you that actually, he's had more sons, and he has showered them with devotion and supported them in every way? Sometimes people have the ability to hurt us long after we thought we were beyond them.

To be honest, I don't think I could contain my curiosity, if it were me. I'd contact him via email/snail mail, something that he can mull over and won't put him on the spot, and make it very clear that you're not looking for money, or emotional investment from him, or pretty much anything at all, you just wanted to let him know you're out there. But I'd keep in mind that continuing to be ignored after that point isn't the worst that could happen.

Hey, how do you know he's not looking for money?

what would I do ??

Not worry about his Old runnen off stealen ass !!

Yer better off with out him !!

Yeah, what Zippy said.

He's had plenty of opportunity to make amends.

Reach out & try to forgive. He could have changed.

If you haven't already let go of the negative feelings you have about him, then don't do it. After 40 years, it really doesn't matter, does it?

Since he was the sperm donor you should donate some sperm in his honor.

Absolutely not. Unless you are interested in some kind of relationship with him now, what would be the purpose. I follow Griff's thinking on this...

Where do you want it? ;)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I don't think I'll be getting in touch with him. Too tempting to just beat the crap out of him.

Yeah, good move, fuck him & cancer.

I agree, if you still feel anger towards him I think staying away is best.

Ya could show him how fine a person you turned out to be without any help from him.

Or I could just e-mail him the pic I posted in the "Dweller NSFW 2011" thread. :-)

That's the rub. Dad might not think he's a fine person, Dad might not even care he's a person. So unless he's planning to kill the old man for naming him Sue, there's no reason to find him.

Doesn't matter what he thinks.

being adopted myself i have to agree with sarge. i would so love to meet my naturals.

To find out why, as much as who they are?

Shel knows all that pretty much, and much ain't pretty.