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Not much time left...and I miss my parents...
Congrats to the community. You WIN. I wanted things to be so much different for my life. Today was easter adn i was too ashamed toi call home. ashamed of who i am. Ashamed I could not get the job done. ...so be it...i guess.
I know how I am viewed on here. i see what is written. i AM a loser. and am low on food and money. i see what little I have. not much to see. i came here because of someone telling me to. i know i am looked at as a 'troller' person. my circumstances are real... things got out of hand in my life. i wish i could blame the econmy. but i will take the blame. please do not ever say i was not honest about my being. do you know what it is like deciding to spend money on food or medicine .... when yuo can not buy both??? so please do not evr call me a fraud. most of you will never knwo...and i hope you do not ever have to know what it is like - even those on here who tried to destry my soul. yes, i lost the gotham's writer contest. she was better. and yes, i did get banned from cafepharma. i was her on that site. howmuch more can one bare their soul to an anonymous website???? no of you care. so if you do not like what I post then let me be...just let me go. a life of pain. a life of mutilation and regret. Pam. |
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EVER. Last post, Pam!!! |
PLEASE.
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Sweeps week over so soon?
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I, like many here, thought it was Emma. Emma has gotten around her IP ban in the past by posting from locations other than home during school breaks, and last week was a school break. I assumed Emma was staying with someone who lives in Queens. But I decided it wasn't Emma, because there was no politics. Emma could never resist baiting liberals, and I've seen none of that with Pam. I expect to see Pam posting again tonight.
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Wolf taught us about Borderline Personality Disorder a while back. Bold mine:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...et/index.shtml Quote:
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Wait..
..who are you? Jk. Don't mind me! |
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Hi. Yet again, you have forced my hand. I am not 'Emma.' But I have seen all comparisions. I do not talk politics or religeon...as Mr. Glatt stated. It is not me. What I meant by 'not a lot of time?' If i do not find a job this week, I will be foreced to move back home...
That has nothing to do with school break. I graduated college already. I am unemployed and on 'permanent break.'...or so it appears. I have been honest about my sitauation...have I not??? I do get upset by the comments, and at times have wine and go into a fit of rage... I do not know what else to say at this point... I know I have a personality disorder! Is that what you want to hear?? Well there, i have just stated that for the record. I do not mean any disrespec tto anyone, nor tihs site. I thank Mr. undertoad for allowing me here. and i thank Glatt for believing the truth about me. Not, I shall ask some of you to prove to me that this 'Emma' person existed. It is driving me nuts... yet nobody will tell me?? upset, jaded, disallusioned, sad, and very confused right now, Pam. |
glad you're back,
jim not just pamming, either |
Step one: Don't have wine.
Or vodka. Or weed. Or other clearly ineffective means of coping. Stay on your medications, continue in therapy. Decide what you want. Write it down. Rewrite it into achievable goals and steps to achieve those goals. Hang a printed copy somewhere that you will see it multiple times per day. Implement the steps that you have defined. |
Pam, I asked you a question that I was serious about, but you never answered it. So...one more try.
You say your 'rents live in a nearby state. I was curious if you and they moved over here at the same time, or were you born here? Or maybe you were adopted? I'm just trying to figure out the logistics. You've been most entertaining. I don't know your story but would like to know more. |
I used to miss my parents too. Then a friend told me I wasn't leading them enough...
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and you have to allow for windage
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Wait a minute. She said her mother died giving birth to her and her father died when she was 16.
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I move back and forthe between the screens of here, and employment sites. I was told about this site from someone who stumbled upon it. this person knows my true identity from the other site i have spoken about. I love this site. it is truly the best... since i have answered your questions, i want to know about this other 'emma' person. if it is not allowed to be discussion, than that is fine. but evidently she did something very terrible. I have come in peace. while i am unstable and i understand that, i am harmless and kind. Thank you, Pam. |
That's not what she said elsewhere. She said they lived in another state. It started my whole "what's your story" questions in gawd knows which of the hundreds of threads she started, which were never answered.
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Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story.
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what do you lack to understand?? |
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Pam, have you been officially diagnosed?
Do you attend therapy? |
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(Lady Bracknell) |
People, you have to understand that none of the life examples Pam gives are intended as factual statements.
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at times, i just go nuts. it's not something i want to do; and it is very difficult for me to controll. but i will try harder. if i see someone who is homeless or hungry i will offer to buy them a snack or whatever i can afford. i have a very kind heart. but then there are times when i 'snap' for no reasons. like when i saw the pretty girl on the train holding flowers. and i wanted to smash them because i never get flowers. but that would not be fair to her. at the same time the thought was in my mind until she got off the train. and i keep staring at her perfect pretty face and body. I was jealous and angry. Wishig you the best Mr underoad, Pam. |
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thanks again, Pam. |
That's excellent, going for therapy! Good job by you.
When you're in therapy, do they give you suggestions on how to manage it when you "snap"? |
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i also need to be more carful to take medication at propers time. that is a very big factor. i also need to not drink wine. that is a key trigger to my mood. thank you for a wonderful sight, Love Pam. |
Pam, I am writing you a reply because I think what I have to say is important. But before you read, I want you know one thing. A lot of what I have to say will sound very mean, but I am only being 100% honest.
The reason why some of us might think you are troll is because your responses are erratic, you are offended very easily and blow things out of proportion, and you post a lot of threads about yourself and then get angry for us talking about you. If you are a really the way you say, than I am sorry for baiting you, but your actions are very suspect so it is hard to take you seriously. My advice, if you want it, is to stop posting/reading The Cellar. Not because I do not want your input, but because I think it is bad for you. You do not need to do so for forever, but take a break. 6months or a year. You are not alone in this, many dwellers here have had to take a break when they were having mental issues. You have admitted to having mental issues, and you are not coping well at this time. Thats normal, you are under a lot of stress. That being said, it is hard enough to judge a person's true intent in real life, it is 50times harder to judge their intent on the internet when you do not have body, face or voice cues to help you discern their meaning. Therefor, I think you should take a break from online interacting. I think you are having a hard time understanding people's intent, and online you need to have the ability to stay calm and rational. At this time, you are struggling with that and you need to time to gain mental stability. Again, many of the posters here have had the same exact issue and had to take a break. You are not the only one. Next, if your parents are good people, and able to help you out, then forget the job in NY and move back in with them. I, myself, have had to move back to my parents more than once due to medical issues. There is no shame in that. If living with them will help you have less stress, then do it. You need to focus on your mental health and do whatever it takes. Mental diseases are extremely difficult to control, it takes time, and most people do not understand them very well. Give the medicine time to work, almost all meds I've used for depression took months to a year to be truly effective, even meds for other diseases like Rheumatoid Arthritis can take a long time to work well. Do not give up on the meds, take them! Last, STOP DRINKING! The type of meds you are probably on do not work well with alcohol. If you truly want to get better, do not drink alcohol at all. Again, I know this will probably upset you, but believe it or not, I mean it to help you. Concentrate on getting better, take a break from online interaction. I wish you the best. Please take time to really think about my message. Even take it in to your therapist if you have to and see what their opinion is if need be. |
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Perhaps, you will admit. People have been less than kind to me on here ... with a few exceptions. I just , I do not know. I see what people are saying. I was on other chatting boards, and then the same thing happened. And I was made out to be the bad person... Getting 'banned' does hurt. There was never a reason given. But I am happy here. No other chat board wants me. my thoughts are a bit scattered. I apologize. I need a job. It is amazing how people can be so cruel. I once saw a girl fall of the train platform. and a total stranger risked his life to save her from the train. i thought, perhaps, strangers are sometimes more willing to help...than friends. so that is why i am here... I do feel bad for saying 'goodbye.' I just want to feel needed as everyone else. I know I have problems. But if people would simply look beyond what I post, they would see I am kind... Much love (and hope the spell checking on my machine worked.) Pam. |
The thing is Pam, it is very difficult to 'look behind the posts' when posts are all we have to go on *smiles*
If you don't want to take a break from online interaction then you need to try and dial that interaction back a little. Online communities are just collections of people, they cannot be relied upon to react and respond in the way you want them to. Coming on 'too strong' and too fast can put people on their guard. If you want to be a real part of this community we need to know more about you than your problems. We need to 'see' you as a person. Starting a bunch of threads that throw the spotlight onto you doesn't help us see you it just turns you into a performance. General interaction accross the board with involvement in different threads would probably allow people to get to know you a little better. It would also help you get to know us a little better. You're right that some of us have been a little unkind, myself included. But the truth is that was only ever about you for the first day, after that the joke itself became a 'meme'. We are a community, therefore we are subject to trends and fashions, in-jokes and running jokes, factions and fomentation. This means that if a joke hits, it will likely get picked up on by others and before you know it everyone is making the same joke all over the Cellar. This happens all the time. It's not usually at the expense of a member though. As to why we would be suspicious of you: there are some people who enjoy causing trouble by presenting a fake persona and persuading others to buy into that persona. Starring Emma was a particularly extreme example of that and she has returned on more than one occasion with a different name and a new identity each time. One of the characteristic features of her approach was to blitz the Cellar with loads of new threads. Another was extensive use of private messages. This is probably the main reason many of us thought you might be a 'troll', because some aspects of your entrance to the community felt very similar. Since you are apparently sticking around, maybe let us see a little of you engaging with us on our terms. That is to say, involving yourself in other threads and maybe letting us get a glimpse of your likes and dislikes, your favourite movies, what you might be eating for dinner, or whether you like animals. But not by starting a new thread for these things. The Cellar is full of long running threads, some of whihc have been active for years, in which we get to know odd stuff about each other. It's the inconsequential details and thoughts on politics or the best place to go camping, or how that latest interview went that allow us all to get to know each other. But like any friendship, these things take time to build. You cannot just magic up instant friendship and comfort with people who are essentially strangers. Nor can you blitz them with every detail and expect that this will suffice. These things take time to build and that's ok. There's fun in the building. *smiles* Take a chill pill m'dear. And don't take our teasing to heart. Chances are it's not based on anything you've actually done wrong, but rather that something you've done or said has sparked amusement and set off a 'meme' without you realising. |
I appreciate the intentions that you and mortie have, Dana, but why does she have to change to fit in? I think she fits in as is. She's not ruining anyone's day as far as I can tell, and the lulz seems to be never-ending.
I think she's done a fine job of stirring up things here. And they clearly needed stirring. I say, keep being a basket case, Pam, if that's who you truly are. Don't change a thing. |
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Ok, where to begina?? I do not know what 'meme' means. At times, I have seen others post about it. I did not mean to start more 'threads.' the other threads of mine got too long to read, so I wanted to start fressh. that is all. I did not mean to come on too fast as you say. I have posted on other threads, but there is nobody response. none at all...so how does that leave me??? I have ask about this 'emma' person' you speak of. rest assured i am not her. Mr. undertaod has my IP address. It will either present itself as Woodhaven or Jamaica Queens. i live in a rented room on 94th street. anyone is more than free to ask him. on other threads there is 0 response. and now people have forced me into some typo of competition with 'emma.' i saw that post. why is the need for that??? i do not wish to 'win' anything. I hope for peace, and a good happy family hear. that is all... thank you...time for wine... Pam. |
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The lass keeps asking why people are being 'mean' to her. |
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I enjoy your posts, Pam. |
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would you like to share anything back with me?? Love, Pam. |
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http://youtu.be/5hiv5bKdKX8 Now leave me alone, Pam. |
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lol
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take care, Pam. adn p.s. don't anyone ever call me 'pamela' or 'pammy.' |
Did you go to regular school, Pam?
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Actually I was laughing at Jim.
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Pam. |
what a load of bollocks.
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Dick, Pam. |
Pam,
I never said "quit" and that is not what I mean or want you to do. I very seriously want you to take a break. Only for a bit. A lot of us here have our own mental issues, but to varying degrees. Yours seems more severe at this time. I am not asking you to change who you are essentially, but none of us are perfect the way we are. I want you to get healthier. Online interactions are difficult, they can cause mental stress. An issue you are struggling with. This is not a judgement against your character, this is just an observation you yourself told us about. Move back to your parents, keep up with therapy and medicine, DO NOT DRINK, take a break from online socializing and build up to it slowly when you're more prepared for it mentally. You are welcome in this forum, but at this time, we are not healthy for you. Your reaction to Dana's "lol" comment just recently should show you that we are not. |
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yours dickishly shirley |
Fight - Fight - Fight!! Pammy vs Monnie.
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DON'T CALL HER PAMMY
she doesn't like it. |
:yeldead:
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Pam. |
She wants to have your babies, mort.
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Pam. |
It is so sad. We still have six feet of snow and I cannot get to the front door to let my helpers in, so we have not eaten for months. Yesterday, we had to slaughter the last cat. But now I have warm mittens.
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