Chariot Racing
 

I'm sitting here at the computer, making anaglyphs (fun!) with the digital camera, and I thought I'd flip on the TV. There's some show on which I had not yet before seen. Entitled "Thunderdome", it appears to be a hybrid of indoor truck racing and female wrestling. It is so bizarre that it reminded me of something I wrote a couple of months back. You people are a lot of fun and seem to have warped insights into things, so I thought you might appreciate it...

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Beer and Circuses

I have, for some time now, been privileged to participate in Harris Poll Online's ongoing public
opinion polling. It is often quite a lot of fun, and I'm amassing points toward some sort of trivial
little gift in the process. Today, however, was the first time I actually got *excited* about
the topic of the poll which arrived in my email.

It seems that TLC/Discovery/One of Their Other Affiliated Channels will soon be airing a
program featuring *chariot racing*. Yes, chariot racing, complete with jaunty two-wheeled carts
pulled by great lumbering beasts, driven by what I assume will be buffed and tanned males
wearing leather skirts, zooming at perilous speeds around a circular dirt-floored race track.
Apparently, the object of the survey was to ascertain (1) whether the proposed ad campaign
would pique my interest, and (2) whether the chariot racing itself would be something that I might
watch. There were numerous little boxes in which I could indicate my potential levels of fervor at
the prospect of such a show. (Note: one of the questions asked me on which of several affiliated
channels the chariot racing should be carried. TNN, formerly known as The Nashville Network
seemed to me to be the obvious choice out of the group.)

So...will I watch it? What a foolish question! It doesn't really *get* any better than this, does it?!
I mean, who doesn't love the epic film "Ben Hur", especially the part where Masala gets his
comeuppance in a particularly gory and horrendous fashion, trampled by horses and smooshed
beneath a chariot, which bounces smartly over his soon-to-be-lifeless form? The only thing that
could possibly make this sport more appealing to the red-blooded American male (a demographic
in which I hold a charter membership, thank you very much) would be the addition of buxom
cheerleaders wearing translucent gauze togas, gyrating in some sort of erotic temple dance while
rubbing down the chariot jockeys with scented olive oil. Oh...and a big box of wine.

But why should the fun stop here? Really visionary programming executives ought to consider
chariot racing to be a mere appetizer, a relatively benign component of a truly glorious, televised,
extreme historical sports spectacle. Why not augment the chariot action with a segment featuring
actual gladiatorial combat to the death? Desperate athletes, one step away from incarceration due
to their drug habits and wanton disregard for the laws which govern the rest of us, are a dime a
dozen, and should therefore be easy to sign to a short term contract.

Think about it...if all that stood between one last shot at glory and a used car sales job was the
mere risking of life and limb, don't you think that your average faded warrior would go for the
gusto? "Aw hell, I blocked on Derrick Thomas in his prime; Mike Tyson with a battleaxe is no
big deal! Where do I sign?" Close up cameras would capture the furious combatants in all of
their gore-spattering glory, and an entire new genre of trading cards would be born. In fact,
they'd become instant collectibles, because no one star would last for long (except, perhaps, for
Russell Crowe, if he isn't killed in a bar fight first). Yes indeed, unless someone starts handing out
machetes to be used in lieu of the present voting-off process on "Survivor", this show will have
no real viable competition anywhere in TV Land.

Still, a mere duet of barbarian contests feels incomplete to me. Now, what would go well with
the equine equivalent of stock car racing and the heavily armed male version of a Fall clearance
sale at Saks? I know! Let's throw religious minorities to the lions! Assuming that the show runs
long enough (and let's not mince words here, this program is going to be the most popular in the
history of television), pretty much every religious path will eventually get its chance to appear.
Today, the Muslims, tomorrow the Wiccans, next week the Jews. With the pronounced lack of
religious tolerance in the world today, people will be volunteering each other in droves.
Christians, with all of their past experience in the sport, would be odds-on favorites in nearly all
the events, I would think. Madelyn Murray O'Hare (if she could be found, God bless her) could
host the proceedings, sweeping out onto the arena floor in a flowing gown, just like Loretta
Young did back in the glory days of television, only instead of a refrigerator, there will be a huge
snarling lion for her to caress while she introduces the first sacrificial monk.

Television sales will climb, especially the big-screen varieties - what better way to feel completely
immersed in the charnel carnival? As the show's popularity rises and the demographic broadens,
kids will dress up like charioteers for Halloween, the YMCA will give mace and shield lessons and
the first-person video game will become a best seller. Happily exploiting their transfixed
audience, advertisers will parade their wares, secure in the knowledge that nothing sells Band Aid
Brand Sheer Strips like an ad slotted immediately following a major laceration inflicted by a
savage lion upon a shrieking Sikh.

The public's appetite for mayhem and death will be sated in a way that the evening news simply
cannot match, short of live CNN coverage of a nuclear warhead detonation over Baghdad.
People will be glued to their television sets night after night, because something this big will not
be limited to a single weekly slot. Remember "Millionaire"? It ran three nights a week, in Prime
Time, and the worst thing that happened to those contestants was that Regis made them feel
warmly stupid. Can you imagine how popular it would have been if he'd shot the people who
bombed out at $32,000.00?

Look at it objectively, folks...Monday Night Football ratings have been steadily dropping for the
past five years. Baseball? Ha! No one even watches the World Series anymore. Basketball?
Most of those guys are the exact future ex-athletes whom I suggest will be applying for the
gladiatorial positions - just read the sports/criminal justice page to find their names. The
Olympics only run every couple of years, hardly anyone ever dies, and then only if there's a major
terroristic statement being made. Sure, Battlebots are good, but their parts don't stick to anything
when they are severed and go flying off. No, I think the entire future of televised sports hangs in
the balance, and TLC/Discovery may have just hit upon the beginning of a solution. The
merchandising tie-ins alone will probably pull the entire economy out of the dumper.

Goodbye, high tech, hello Circus Maximus. The hell with trying to recreate JFK's Camelot, let's
recreate ancient Rome! Hail Caesar!!

Ummm...I dunno if it's going to be that influential, but the show (on TLC this month) does look pretty sweet.

I like to go for the maximum in sarcastic absurdity, especially when pondering reality television. Despite the extremely over the top tone of the article, I'm still going to watch the thing. I was serious about the part about it not getting any better than this...

Re: Chariot Racing
 

Thats the only thing I miss about tv. Oh, and Fox News of course.

(bucksom is one ah mah faveright werds :D )

That's cool...I do the same thing. :D

I..........want.............desperately..............to..............drive. I'll need a bowman, who's in?

If you're referring to the bike, he's not building anymore right now.

What's wrong? Snow got you all blocked in?

No, I NEED to drive a chariot, but if we're going Hittite style you need a shooter in each cart.

Ogg just got in from a long ski, snow good. *grunt* find food now playoff football soon. all rights reserved hubris boy 2001

Well, it depends. If you want an actual bowman, that I can do...I was good at archery. But a shooter (as in a gunman), that I can't do, for I suck.

I'm in Griff ... you drive, I'll shoot.

Should I bring a compound or a longbow? Hunting broadheads okay??

Very good! Pats producing the thing so its his call as to how advanced our weaponry can be.

If you mean me, I'm all for flamethrowers and other showy weapons. Crossbows work for you? Cool! Bring 'em on!

How about the "guy that pours the boiling oil on people"?

If there's room on the chariot, I'd like to get that postition. :)

I'm not sure that *pouring* boiling oil from a moving chariot is terribly practical. However, there's nothing to keep us from using some high-tech solutions. How would you feel about being the guy who sprays a pencil-thick jet of high-pressure boiling oil on people from a spray wand type thingie?

LMAO I think I like the wand with a trigger thingy.

Dont mess with the guy with the wand thingy that sprays boiling oil. It could be hazardous to your complexion.

I almost forgot to ask, will we have<a href="http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2492"> words painted </a> on our backs?

No...there is no confusing our Circus Maximus Roman Death and Gore Gladiatorial Spectacular (tm) with art. If we had words written on our backs, it would be art, then all the hoity-toity art types would show up dressed in black, nosing around for grants, and that would be very offputting to our target audience on TNN. Unless we stuck 'em in a chariot and killed 'em.

Could we feed the hoity-toity art-types to the lions as a warm-up act for the chariot races?

I think it would be entertaining.

Oh, and since the floor is open for weaponry, I'd like two please ... electric bullwhip and a 12-gauge shotgun.

(slang nods his head in approval) Good call.

The bullwhip is a particularly interesting weapon ... it's intimidation factor can't be beat.

Also, I already know how to use one.

Properly. Not just in a "whip me, beat me, chain me up and make me feel cheap" kind of way. Coupla different cracks, target work, etc. (I wouldn't ask for a weapon I couldn't be effective with, after all).

One of my friends is a wild-west performer, does all kinds of fancy rope tricks, whip tricks, and knife throwing. (I'm going to be working on him to give me some knife throwing lessons this coming spring and summer. It's something I've always wanted to learn.)

Hey, if its good enough for Indiana Jones, how can you go wrong?

One thing I want to know, though...what does an *electric* bullwhip do for you, exacty? Deliver a shock, or does it have some sort of battery-powered motor for the whipping action, and all you have to do is aim and push the button?

I still say that this kind of program is what "Reality TV" will turn into in five years, tops.

Fourteen contestants start in Week One. They spend fifty minutes with Immunity Challenge games and group activities and mugging for the camera, then the group votes on which two get put into a UFC-style arena to fight to the death. There'll be four boxes in the arena, each containing a randomly-selected weapon; these could include a machete, pepper spray, a crossbow, an olive fork, a trash can lid, a bag of throwing stars, or other Things That Could Hurt. When one drops, roll credits and get ready for next week.

THERE's your "Survivor 2005."

Welcome to Thunderdome
 

"Two men enter, one man leaves..."

The electric bullwhip is a standard bullwhip which issues a high voltage shock on contact. Kind of like an extra-long, flexible, cattle prod.

Do electric bullwhips exist in reality, or are we going to have to custom design one for the show?

I'll look around, but I think custom design may be necessary.

It should be relatively simple to braid the whip around a belly of the electrified cable, rather than multiple thin, essentially mini-whips that form the core.

The cable would extend past the end of the lash, forming the cracker, rather than having a separate leather or textile cracker.

Of course, we'll have to find some way to make sure that there is a lot of impressive arcing and crackling associated with it's use, maybe some fiber optic strands in the outer braid as well? That should look cool.

It's all about the show.

Perhaps *two* electrodes on the end, and some sort of microprocessor that will increase and release the voltage at the exact moment of impact, delivering the maximum shock as well as an enormous electrical arc, complete with crackling, ozone, flashing and sparking and screams of pain from the victim?

If we could sufficiently power the thing, it might even be coaxed to deliver an actual bolt of artificial lightning, and then we'd have the miniature thunderclap (which is essentially what happens when the tip of a bullwhip snaps) to go with it. Sort of traditional and high-tech at the same time, no?

slang, do you think you could throw something together here?

OFF TOPIC
 

Wolf, does this "friend" happen to know how to replace crackers? Mine is prematurely shortened and is in need of replacement.

Also breaking in. But you can do that for me anytime.

Brian

The whirling chariot axles could generate the power. Have them charge a large capacitor so you can only use the charge after a few laps. That should add some strategy and gut wrenching fear.

We'll also need monkeys in goat carts and little people with absurd weapons.

So many good ideas! I think we're going to start needing titles, so proper credit is given where due. Since I stole the idea first, I'll take Executive Producer in Charge of Mayhem, Wolf, you can be Weapons Mistress, Griff, Producer of Technology and Special Combatants, and Slang, Centurion in Charge of Hot Oil Systems.

Now, we've got to find someone to be in charge of the writhing, gossamer-clad cheerleaders. That shouldn't be too difficult to accomplish with this crowd. Volunteers?

Please accept my application . . .
 

Sirs,
I have held many positions in the writhing, gossamer-clad field, from helpless wench to aloof escort. Although I have never held a mangement role in this arena, I feel my background and skills have prepared me to assume a position of this nature.

Given the current economic climate and the nature of the job (and the nature of the patrons of establishment where the position is posted), you will no doubt receive many frivolous notices of interest in this position, however, very few candidates will be as highly qualified as I am.

Please consider my resume (attached). I am willing to relocate and can begin work after 1/17/03

Thank you,
99

If I wasn't a serious Executive Producer type and a gentleman, I'd insist on photos demonstrating these so-called "positions", but I'm going to take the high road and instead simply award the job to you by dint of your stature here in The Cellar and the fact that I am playing the role of a despot (an essential element when trying to recreate the glory of ancient Rome using all the technology at our disposal).

Y'all better get some lawyers... somebody will try to make such an animal on TV, and you will want to make sure you're properly compensated for your ideas.

Re: the electric bullwhip.... the assistant principal at the elementary school I attended was alleged to have an electric paddle for use on especially unruly students. I'm pretty certain it was just a rumor. But hey, if not, maybe there's some prior art you can start with.

My "guilty pleasure" reality show is Taildaters, on MTV. Call me pathetic.

And Of Course we need a Mascot....
 

Hrmm, wonder if we could adopt the USC Trojan as our mascot...made even better if we could get some corporate sponsors....(I'll leave the decision of the 'best' one up to our fearless leaders - but they DO have a catchy jingle..and aren't horses in all the ads? Hrmmm..i watch too much MTV i think) :p

Dagney
Who is currently plotting her escape from cubicle hell

Ummm, Yeah-
 

I got to be the voice of "Trojan Man" as well. I have proudly "filled" the roll since I was um, gosh only twelve at the time. I'm so very embarassed about the whole thing now that I am, uhmm thirty-five.

"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket? - Dagney sig"

You must be very small, or have some really big handbaskets :D

Re: And Of Course we need a Mascot....
 

Ah...think again, m'lady. Like the Pagan community in which I serve numerous minor functions, if you suggest it, you get to do it. Hence, welcome to your new position as Productress of Advertising and Promotions!

If I might suggest a first point of contact regarding sponsorship/product placement, Winchester and Remington come to mind. And Gil Hibben makes some *awesome* blades, and I'm sure his company would very much like to see their products used and endorsed by our little effort.

Don't say you weren't forewarned-
 

There is a "wand", a very mysterious and most unobvious one at that. It fits perfectly between the legs of a woman or a man, and you have each been using it your own way for your entire lives. If you wish too rob me then I advise you that it must be someone who can provide 'head' twenty four hours around the clock, 365 days a year. I wouldn't wish that burden upon anyone, not even my own favorite fantasy, so even Cameron Diaz is totally out of the question. Seriously. Not to be mean or anything like that, I have my own way of doing things and congradulations on the fact that it almost did work.

Re: Don't say you weren't forewarned-
 

:confused: not sure what you are referencing or talkling about here. Does your wand spray boiling oil and have a trigger? :)

I think maybe all it took was the word "wand" to set off a pleasant journey down an entirely unrelated path...:rolleyes:

Re: Re: Don't say you weren't forewarned-
 

Response- "something llke that. But if they had only known then what they should have alreay by word of mouth- I would not have had to endure yet another sorry sight of a lovable home being ignorantly and needlessly wrecked by pot and coke heads who never could settle for the simple pleasure of being drunk, nightly. And without one ioda of a notion to jerk off about the thought of just another pretty face. The way I choose to release the "build up" from my fantasies is very deliberate. Usually when I am drunk, and only because it is perfectly legal.

:D Thanks for sharing :3eye: ;) :)

Every word this man says is true. Not that he had anything to do with the fact of my knowledge of the existance this very forum. I found it on my own.

Good luck in securing a position that requires you to 'roll' your eyes on your own time for that kind of money. And welcome to the very sight of my waistline beyond your grave where you get to do just that for free. Well, you asked for it. You aren't dissapointed with a fair and honest answer to your question are you? Did I make you do it? What did you expect of a total stranger? What did you expect, stranger?

I expect nothing but confusion. So far, I am not disappointed.

Pat is everything he ever claimed to be. I was very stupid and ignorant to ever say that I thought he was ever an "asshole" for merely trying to spare me from the flames I must one day endure to become the notorious P*t..

You have been forewarned beyond the emminently harmful and accidental reaches of confusion's way. I did not make any of you do it, but the debt against the true character of this truly decent person remains to be re-paid. I can only wish you the best of luck. If you don't understand by now, even greater luck when it is your own turn.

(slang doesnt understand what j0 is saying most of the time but very politely smiles as he backs slowly away, so as not to insult or provoke him.)

Don't worry, I'll PM you with a couple of pointers.

Very well then, I slither backwardly as well and merely out of admiration for such an apparently indifferent act of such an effortless desire to withdrawl from what could very easily have been the single most embarassing moment of your life. Thank you.

I won't condemn you for saying that, even if just sel-righteously. But you will be held responsible for your own actions, and are entitled to your own sentencing. Whether that is my child you cannot afford to support or not. NOT.:)

Hey CAM-
 

Wolf just ruined everything, period.

I don't play.

Actually, yes, j03, I do have every expectation that you will be stranger.

I can also state, without reservation, that J03 is stranger than slang.

(slang at least develops different characters when he wishes to argue with himself.)

:) <h2>Yah, what she said</h2>

Hrmmmm well, it would depend on how you define 'handbaskets'...but i think i'd best defer to Dear BrianR for some commentary on this subject....(he's got an all together different perspective of things :D )

Dagney....
now on the search for a different, bait-proof sig line

Ain't no such thing.

I'm learning this, but I'm willing to give it a try :)

Dags

(slang smiles politely at Dagney and slowly backs away so as not to recieve BrianR's shithammer(tm) )

Awww now don't be scared :) I haven't seen BrianR's shithammer(TM), so i think it's merely legend...besides, even though i can't change lightbulbs or order plumbers around, i can sorta defend myself...

or is that just a delusion stemming from my girlishness?

Hrmmm

Dags

Re: OFF TOPIC
 

Yes, he does have this information. I don't know how soon I'll be seeing him, so I found this to hold you over in the meantime ...

Replacing a Cracker

Care of Whips